


Comforting Sounds

by Lumy12



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Additional Warnings In Author's Note, F/M, Father-Daughter Relationship, Gen, Original Character(s), Post-Canon, too many tags spoil the story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-18
Updated: 2017-05-25
Packaged: 2018-08-31 16:09:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 17
Words: 107,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8585119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lumy12/pseuds/Lumy12
Summary: Ellie may be mature for her age, but she still has the brain of a teenager, and doesn't always make the wisest of choices; after living in the relatively safe town of Jackson for over a year, she is cruelly reminded of how precarious life is. Ellie/OC. WARNINGS: Violence, Murder, Rape, Disturbing Imagery, Suicide, Suicidal Ideation, Depression, Angst -- please see A/N on Chapter 1.





	1. Hand in Hand in Hand

**Author's Note:**

> Fic title comes from one of my all-time favorite songs of the same name, by the band Mew. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing! Not The Last of Us nor any brand name references used
> 
> ***WARNINGS*** Violence, Murder, Rape, Disturbing Imagery, Suicide, Suicidal Ideation, Depression, Angst. Plus two more that are too spoilery to list here, but I will divide the chapters in such a way that the chapter-specific warning won't be a spoiler by that point (I don't think any reader who makes it through to the last one will be fazed by THAT warning, but better to be safe than sorry, right? And hopefully I will remember to allude to my reasoning on that when the time comes).
> 
> Please keep in mind that I am only going to give chapter-specific warnings for the two instances above, and for the most extreme chapters. The fic starts off fairly fluffy but don't be lulled by that, it does get bad O.o
> 
> The Jackson County depicted here is not as well-fortified as the one in my fic "Accretion" -- and this story is not connected to that one in any way. The relationship between Joel and Ellie is central to the story, but strictly as father & daughter. Jumping them ahead a year post-canon presented some challenges in characterization; my hope is that the initial changes are subtle enough that no one feels OOC, but distinct enough that it's not like no time at all has passed.
> 
> I expect to update approximately every 2 weeks, give or take a few days. I've already done a lot of work on this story and am absolutely committed to finishing it. I'm just not one of those people who can post new content every few days :)
> 
> Thank you for reading!

> _~I don't feel alright_
> 
> _In spite of these comforting sounds you make_
> 
> _I don't feel alright_
> 
> _Because you make promises that you break~_

> \--"Comforting Sounds" by Mew

**July 20, 2035**

 

It was Ellie's favorite time of day:  hammock o'clock.  With Joel, to be more precise.  Oh, it was pleasant enough on her own as well, but Joel's presence made all the difference.  Some days, they talked about present-day life in Jackson.  Other times, they shared stories of the past, from that mythical long-ago time before they knew each other.  And some days they barely spoke at all; they simply lay side by side and enjoyed being still.  At peace.  _Together_.  This was one of those days.  Ellie was nestled in the crook of Joel's arm, watching the clouds drift by through the little triangular window the break in the redwoods made overhead, a gentle breeze tempering the late afternoon warmth of summer (it wasn't muggy and sticky enough here for a Bostonian to consider it heat).

They'd been in Jackson for over a year now, so they were no longer the 'new kids on the block,' but settling in to civilian life had taken a while.  Actually, Ellie wasn't sure if Joel was all that settled in yet.  He was still prone to jumpiness, still uninterested in getting to know any of the townsfolk beyond casual acquaintanceship -- and still way overprotective of her. 

It was no surprise that he'd been upset when Ellie told him she had a boyfriend.  He was angry, but it was also like he felt somehow _betrayed._   Like she'd only acquired one to piss him off.

_"You said you were a lesbian!"_

_"I thought I was, but obviously I was wrong."_

_"So... Riley -- what was that, then?"_

_"A person CAN like both, ya know."_

_"The kid's makin' you THINK you ain't one.  He only wants one thing, Ellie--"_

_"That's so stupid!  He can't make me feel something I don't feel.  Besides, I was the one who made the first move -- he thought I was a lesbian, too.  And he's totally okay with waiting a while."_

_"A while?  He's seventeen -- a 'while' is maybe a week.  If he lays a hand on you, I swear to God--"_

_"Jesus, Joel!  He's my BOYFRIEND -- I WANT him to 'lay a hand' on me, it's not your decision to make!"_

_"It is when you're only sixteen years old -- too young to know when a boy's jus' sayin' what you wanna hear so he can get what he wants."_

And so forth.

Even the guy's _name_ should have reassured Joel that he wasn't a dick; Ellie had always thought of 'Bailey' as a girl's name.  Either way, the Baileys of the world just weren't the sort to be thugs.  Bailey lived with his mother, Rachel, and they were respected members of the community, arriving a few months before Joel and Ellie.  Rachel was one of three people who shared teaching duties in what passed as a school in Jackson (quite unlike the military schools Ellie was used to -- its purpose was to teach younger kids reading, writing, math, basic history, and survival skills). 

The fact that Joel already knew Bailey from around town should have helped convince him of the guy's not-evil-ness, in Ellie's opinion.  It was always in a group setting, but Ellie did recall a time Joel had coached him one-on-one in a firearms class last fall.  Pointing that out to Joel hadn't made a lick of difference.

_"I'm s'posed to think that 'cause he couldn' shoot worth shit, he's a nice guy?"_

_"No -- and his eyesight isn't the greatest, by the way, or he'd be better at it -- but you could just SEE he was a nice guy... by the way he acted, how he was like FRIENDLY with you and stuff..."_

_"Assholes can act nice when they want to.  I should know."_

Ellie had anticipated the eventual _"I don't want you seeing him,"_ and instead of storming off to Bailey's house in a rage (she figured that would only make things worse), she had calmly sat down with Joel to begin negotiations.  She'd started high, waited for Joel to counter-offer low, and ended up with a middle that they could both live with.  No sex; nothing beyond kissing.  Home by 10pm -- no spending the night with him.  Ellie was not to spend every free hour that she could with him, which she interpreted as _"I don't want to lose you"_ \-- and she was quite happy to give Joel that one.  She'd promised Joel a minimum of one day a week to be reserved as Joel'n'Ellie time, no boyfriend allowed.  Because Bailey _wasn't_ a Joel substitute... but also because Ellie was pretty sure that she had more reason to worry about losing Joel than the other way around.

And, of course, Joel had wanted to 'talk' to him -- which was Joel-speak for interrogate him, threaten him, and, if he was lucky, to scare him away from Ellie completely.

Bailey had been nervous about this talk, and rightfully so.  Ellie had tried to downplay things... told him that underneath the tough _façade_ , Joel was really just a big softie, and that he would just _love_ Bailey once he got to know him better.  But she must not have been very convincing, because Bailey had laughed and called her a liar.  She wasn't lying, really...

She had possibly been even more nervous than Bailey was that day.

The three of them had sat around the little round patio table in the backyard (Ellie's idea: she'd hoped the clear blue sky and warm breeze would keep Joel's mood light as summer), with Ellie scooting her chair closer to Joel than to Bailey, instinctively feeling like that would help: _See, Joel? I'm still with you._

Joel hadn't tried to pretend the conversation was anything other than what it was:  him putting Bailey on notice.  Still, it was a whole thirty seconds in before Joel had actually issued the first threat -- much to Ellie's horror.  _"If you do anythin' to hurt her -- ANYthin' at all, an' I don' jus' mean physically -- I will not only fuck you up, I will fuck you up real bad an' then KILL you.  An' I won't jus' kill you, I'll make sure you die real slow, in so much pain you'll regret you ever laid eyes on her.  Am I makin' myself clear?"_

Ellie had felt the curious sensation of simultaneously wanting to die of embarrassment, to kill Joel for being a dick, yet also to hug him for this unconventional expression of his love for her... and at the same time, wanting to hug Bailey, to assure him Joel didn't really mean it (even though she knew very well that he did), to plead with him not to dump her out of fear.  Bailey was an inch or so shorter than Joel, skinnier, much less rugged, and Ellie had seen grown men cower at lesser threats from the guy.  Bailey had blanched a little, swallowed nervously... but to his credit, he met Joel's gaze evenly, head held high, and answered him sincerely.  _"I understand, sir, and I swear to God, I'd never do anything to hurt your daughter.  Never.  If anyone ever did... I hope you'd let me help you with the fucking-them-up-and-killing-them-real-slow... thing."_

After a beat, Joel had smirked just the teensiest bit -- to himself, but Ellie had detected it.  _Score!_   She'd grinned at Bailey, and he'd glanced at her for the briefest moment, his mouth trying to twitch into a hint of a smile that he couldn't allow to form under Joel's scrutiny, before returning his gaze to Joel.  Ellie thought he looked quite earnest and eager and ready to prove himself.  That was the moment she liked to think she'd fallen in love with him.  She may have already been in love with him -- he shared her appreciation of _puns_ , for fuck's sake, what was there not to love?! -- but right there, her heart had pretty much screamed it at her.

Nearly two months had passed, and they'd come a little closer to Ellie's vision of Joel and Bailey bonding, but there was still a long way to go.  Joel seemed to have grudgingly accepted Bailey's place in her life, and neither of them appeared to view the other as much of a threat now.  Joel had dispensed with the 'sir' bullshit quickly, telling Bailey to call him by name.  Joel usually referred to him as 'the boy' when speaking to Ellie, but in person he addressed him as 'son' at times, which always made her feel warm'n'fuzzy inside.  It didn't really _mean_ anything, because Joel addressed plenty of others that way, too.  Same with her 'kiddo' nickname (but she had the exclusive on 'baby girl' -- she made him promise her that).  The 'son' moniker was pretty much akin to him addressing a woman as 'ma'am,' in his eyes.  Still, Ellie took it as a good sign; surely he wouldn't use the word if there wasn't _some_ degree of fondness behind it.

Ellie had been true to her word, continuing to spend a lot of time with Joel.  Not because she'd agreed to, but because she still _wanted_ to.  He was her rock, her safety, her... everything.  Technically, this change reduced him to _almost_ everything, with Bailey now a sliver of the pie, but Joel was... _Joel._   She remembered what he was like when they'd met two years ago -- surly, reclusive, apathetic -- and that wasn't the real Joel.  It was still the Joel that most of the world saw, but this hammock-sharing, funny, compassionate, _engaged_ Joel was, according to Tommy, a creature of Ellie's design... more like the man Tommy remembered from pre-Cordyceps days.  When they'd first come back to Jackson, Ellie had secretly worried that since they were no longer forced to be together, Joel would grow tired of her, that with this (relatively) huge world opening up before them, he might decide he preferred the company of others.  But in the past year, they'd only grown closer.  Ellie had found that she could even _talk_ to Joel about fears like that.  He listened.  He _got_ it.

"I don' think I'll go tonight," Joel announced out of the blue.

Ellie elbowed him.  "Shut up, of course you're going.  You have no choice!"

"There's always a choice.  You don' have to go either.  We can stay right where we are."

"We'd starve!  I'm going.  And if you want to see me at all tonight, then you're going, too."  Ellie could out-stubborn Joel.

"You go on, then," he teased.  She elbowed him again, harder, and he laughed.  "All right, I'll go.  As long as you give me a shitload of points for endurin' this torture for you."

Ellie smiled, happy as always to get her way.  "Tons.  And maybe it won't be so bad.  Both of the dinners we had at Tommy's went fine."

"Only 'cause I kept my mouth shut.  The bitch was starin' daggers at me the whole time."

"No she wasn't!"  Ellie didn't challenge the 'bitch' assessment; Rachel _was_ kind of a bitch.  She'd learned not to say so in front of Bailey, though -- just like he didn't dare criticize Joel in front of her.  "Besides, it's me she hates, not you."

"She don' hate you.  You're impossible to hate.  She should be thankin' her lucky stars that you wanna be with her precious little boy."

"Pfff.  Trust me, it's the other way around.  Her 'precious little boy' was just fine before I showed up and... I dunno... turned his head away from where she wanted it."

"From one o' them town girls.  Well, shit happens."  He gave Ellie a squeeze.  "I mighta been happier if it had gone down that way too, but both you kids wouldn've been.  Don' have to look too far 'round here to see folks who ain't so happy with their lot... jus' from doin' what they think they're s'posed to."

"Like you and Esther.  You'd be one of them if you hadn't told Tommy to fuck off."  And Ellie was secretly glad about that.  Not that there was anything _wrong_ with Esther... Ellie just wanted to be the only female in Joel's life.  Which was fucked up, because who was she to begrudge him a lover?  She wasn't even his real daughter.  At least that fiasco had made her more sensitive to Joel's unspoken fear that she might ditch him for Bailey.

"Maybe.  All I know is, if it was s'posed to happen, it would've.  Like you'n'me.  I was fightin' it an' it still happened anyways.  We're meant to stay together."

"Yep," Ellie agreed happily.  Tommy had thought he was doing _Ellie_ a favor, too, in finding a woman for Joel.  Then maybe Ellie would have more time to spend with the other teens, and wouldn't be 'stuck' with his asshole brother all the time.  Ha!  She didn't feel stuck at all, and she didn't understand how Tommy could even think that.  If you're lucky enough to find someone in the world -- someone special -- who loves you, why _wouldn't_ you want to be with them?  And now she had _two_ someones.

Having that second someone did soften Ellie a little towards the idea of Joel finding a mate, though.  Maybe she could live with not being the _only_ female in Joel's life, if she could just be the most important one.  She wanted him to be as happy as she was.  To have the fullest life possible.  It would be absolutely _perfect_ if Joel and Rachel liked each other -- then the four of them could spend lots of time together and everyone would be happy!  And when they paired off to spend time alone, no one would feel lonely or left out.

Joel and Rachel just needed to get to know each other better.  Maybe tonight's little dinner party could be the start of that.  Ellie needed to start planting some seeds.  And she'd have to get Bailey to do the same thing with his mom.  She _had_ invited them to her house, so she wasn't _all_ bad.

"Rachel's pretty, don't you think?" Ellie asked, trying to sound conversational.

Joel grunted.  "If you like that type.  Why?"

" _I_ think she's pretty.  She has gorgeous eyes, like Bailey's... nice blond hair..."  Ellie knew Joel liked blondes -- Sarah's mom had been a blonde.

"Your hair's jus' as pretty."

"Liar," Ellie mumbled without thinking.

"I ain't lyin'.  What's wrong with your hair?"

She frowned.  Did Joel think she was feeling insecure about her looks or something?  She needed to shift his focus.  "Nothing.  Fine, you're right, it's gorgeous.  But _Rachel’_ s hair--"

"Is no better than yours," Joel finished for her.  "Hair is hair.  Since when do you give a shit?"

"I don't!  Okay, forget it."  _Not getting anywhere with her looks.  So... her awesome personality then?  Ugh._

But she was spared the agonizing over how to spin 'bitchiness' into something good -- a voice carried over to them from around the corner of the house.

"Helloooooooo?"

_Bailey!_   "Hiiiiiii!" she called back.  He'd been trained to loudly announce his presence before approaching them in the backyard.  Trained by Joel's pistol, which had been pulled on him more than once.  By the time he was in their sights, Joel would already have it drawn from where it lay on the ground.  But now, Joel remained pleasantly lifeless in the hammock -- as did Ellie. 

"Hey!"  Bailey came loping into view.  He was of Irish descent, and looked it, with his fair skin and freckles -- except his hair was jet-black, and Ellie always thought of the Irish as redheads.  Enough people had asked _her_ if she was Irish over the years.  Like she had any fucking clue what she was!  He smiled at them.  "Mom says dinner's almost ready."

Ellie lazily extended her hand for him to pull her up.  "We're ready to go except I'm stuuuuck, can't get up," she mock whined.

Bailey pretended that it took supreme effort to tug her out of the hammock and into his arms.  Ellie giggled, hugging him briefly before turning back to Joel, who hadn't moved a muscle.  "I can't get out, either," Joel said with a sigh.  "Damnit, guess you'll have to go on without me."

"Oh no you don't!  Get your ass out of that thing," Ellie barked at him, yanking on his arm with all her might.  He didn't budge.  Just laid there with a smirk on his face.  If Bailey didn't already know that Rachel and Joel were... not fond of each other, to say the least, she might have scolded Joel for being rude.  Not that it would have changed his attitude... but she knew he was just playing with her, that he wouldn't let her go without him.  Ellie turned around to seek an ally.  "Help me, Bay!"

Bailey snickered.  "Uh... sorry, I think I'd better stay outta this one.  Looks like a family matter."

"Brown-noser," Ellie groaned, and Joel chuckled.  Undeterred, Ellie tried a different tactic -- she got underneath the hammock and threw all her weight into it at the appropriate angle to capsize it.  Joel tumbled out on the other side, but Ellie couldn't tell whether that was her doing or he'd decided to cooperate.  She grinned down at him in triumph.  "I win!"

Joel got up unassisted and brushed himself off.  "You win.  Let's do this, kiddo."  He still seemed amused as he retrieved his holster and started strapping it on.

_Good!  Now if Bailey's mom could only be in a good mood..._

Bailey, however, was looking at Joel anxiously.  "Joel, do you really need to bring that?  My mom, she... isn't crazy about guns and violence."

Joel snorted.  "No one likes violence.  That don' change the fact that it exists.  You all own a gun, don'cha?"

"Yeah, but... for protection only."

"What the hell do you think this is for?"

"I mean it just sits in the house.  It's not so... in your face."

"How is on my hip 'in your face'?"

Ellie had an idea.  "Joel, why don't you just stick a gun in your jeans like I do and pull your shirt down over it?  She won't even see it."

Joel shook his head.  "I always wear this.  Ain't like she's never seen it before.  It's standard for militia.  I can take it off soon as we get in the house, though.  I don' mind that."

"Okay, that's cool, I don't wanna make a big thing of it," Bailey relented.

Ellie eyed Joel's gear.  "You're bringing both of those?  Awesome, I'll leave mine here then."

"Then you're leavin' when I do."

"Of course."  Ellie had a feeling Joel might want to leave before she did, but she was confident she could persuade him to stay longer.  She took Bailey's hand and reached for Joel's.  She loved walking around with them that way... like the three of them were a happy little family.  She'd tried, quite forcefully, to make Joel and Bailey hold hands with each other once, knowing full well that they wouldn't, and that had resulted in them ganging up on her and tickling her so bad she'd nearly peed her pants.

Bailey never walked around town with a gun, and Ellie worried about that.  Unlike Joel, she wasn't concerned that other Jacksonites might go rogue.  It was just that you never knew when the town's alarm would sound, indicating a raid.  When that happened, she _did_ fear the other citizens somewhat, because things got so chaotic sometimes that people could end up accidentally shooting at other town residents.  Even the ones you'd think would know better could panic or get confused.  'Friendly fire,' Joel called it.

"Your tomatoes are lookin' good, Ell," Bailey praised her little garden as they walked around the side of the house.

"Think so?  I think they're too small.  Like they got to this point and stopped or something."  Ellie frowned at the little green balls on her plants.  "I don't know what else to do.  I water them plenty..."

"Do you still talk to them?  Maybe you should try singing," Bailey teased.

"Joel's the singer.  Joel, will you sing them a lullaby tonight?  I bet they'll double in size and turn red overnight!"

"Red from embarrassment, maybe?"  Joel snorted.  "Uh, no.  Give 'em a chance.  They're growin' fine, you jus' worry too much."

"Says the king of worrywarts.  You could practice the cunt song!"

That made him laugh.  "As a lullaby?!  You wanna kill the poor things?"

"Hey, when do I get to hear it?  Are you almost done?" asked Bailey.  Ellie had told him only the title of the song she and Joel were writing -- "You Put The Cunt In Country."  It was enough to pique his curiosity, and Ellie enjoyed torturing him by hinting at context or lyrics without giving him anything substantial.

"We're still working on a tricky part," Ellie said.  "It's coming along, though."

"Maybe I'll come eavesdrop on the tomato plant lullabies," Bailey mused.

"No, it's not done enough yet!" Ellie protested.  "You'll be the first audience when it is, I swear.  Er... first _human_ audience, anyway."

"I ain't singin' it to the goddamn plants, Ellie.  Get that notion outta your head."  Joel was trying to make her think he was irritated, but Ellie could tell he wasn't really.

"Whatever.  We'll see about that."  She would totally make him sing to them later.  She knew she could get him to do it if she really tried.

The three of them started walking down the street, hand in hand in hand.  The warm breeze was turning cooler as the sun descended.  Ellie loved summer evenings in Jackson.  She thought the weather in general was amazing in the summertime, even when it rained, and at first, it had been a huge luxury to be able to enjoy the outdoors without fear of infected or hostile survivors.  It was such a foreign concept to her after her cross-country adventure with Joel.  But now that she was well into her second summer here, she kind of took it for granted.

Joel didn't, though.  He'd never quite felt like it _was_ granted to him, which Ellie attributed to his twenty-one years of constant vigilance -- even the times he'd lived safely inside a Zone.  He didn't seem to know how to just... _chill._   At least not all the way.

He glanced over Ellie's head at Bailey.  "What was it you an' Marcus were gonna fix today?  A lawnmower?"

"Joel!" Ellie scolded.  "Save that talk for dinner!  It'll show his mom that you're interested in his life and all."

"Yes, ma'am," Joel muttered good-naturedly.  "You wanna coach me on everythin' I should or shouldn' say now?"

"Hey yeah, that's a good idea!" Ellie beamed at him.  "Bay, help me think of stuff your mom would like to hear.  Joel, you should compliment her on her appearance, no matter what she looks like.  That's a no-brainer.  Um... say it smells good when we walk in the door, even if you don't really smell anything or it _doesn't_ smell all that good really... oh!  And straight up thank her for the invite.  I'll do that, too.  Actually, I need to be saying some of this shit, you can't use up _all_ the good stuff.  You can tell her she looks nice, though.  That'd be better coming from you.  What else..."

Ellie chattered away happily as they walked; the two guys remained mostly silent.  She thought she caught them exchanging a look of mock exasperation a couple times, and the camaraderie between them made her smile.  She had a good feeling about this now.  Tonight would hopefully be the first of many pleasant evenings that the four of them shared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I borrowed "You Put The Cunt In Country" title from a friend of mine who wrote such a song. Google tells me there are already at least TWO other songs with that name! Neither of us realized that so I credit my source, albeit anonymously :)


	2. Monopolies

Now Ellie understood the meaning of the term 'deafening silence.' 

Silence between herself and Joel was never awkward.  Had it ever been?  She couldn't remember.  Tense, maybe... a little... in the beginning, when she wanted to talk and he most definitely did not.  Generally speaking, she could fill the air with words on any occasion.  This situation was tricky, though; she didn't want to say _the wrong thing,_ as she had apparently already done before tonight, many times, without realizing it.  And now Rachel hated her.

Ellie wasn't one to give up easily.  Unsurprisingly, that had been Joel's first solution:  _"Fuck 'em.  If people don't want you around, no sense wasting your time on them."_ Conveniently lumping Bailey and his mom together as one entity.  Once he realized she was not inclined to follow this sage advice, she'd expected him to change his tune to _"well, fuck HER then,"_ but no.  He said it would be best if the differences could be worked out, that she and Bailey would be happier if they didn't feel like ultimately they'd have to choose between each other and their family.  It kind of made her wonder if Joel was trying to get along with Bailey only because he feared he wouldn't like the outcome if there _was_ a choice to be made.  Maybe Rachel didn't feel that way because Bailey was her _real_ family?  Her bond with her son had to be stronger than Joel's with Ellie due to that fact alone.  Did that mean if he were faced with the choice, Bailey wouldn't choose Ellie?

Ellie didn't want to find out.  She didn't know what it was like to have a real family.  Joel had claimed her as family, which pretty much forced Tommy and Maria and even Maria's father to accept her as well, to some extent... but that didn't make any of them legitimate relatives.  Joel and Tommy didn't always get along, Bailey and his mom didn't always get along (even Bailey thought that Joel was being cooler about things than Rachel)... but in the end, these mysterious family bonds trumped all.  With family, you didn't just steer clear of the other person after a disagreement, or when you found out things about them you really don't like.  Ellie had been ditched more times than she cared to admit, but she'd also done the ditching herself on occasion.  With non-family, you might never see the other person again, and most of the time, no one really gives a fuck -- or if they do, they stop giving it soon enough.

Ellie just had to make Rachel see that she wasn't the enemy -- that she wasn't trying to steal her baby boy away from her.

Bailey wasn't exactly afraid of Joel now, but he was still... wary, would probably be more accurate.  For no real reason evident to Ellie other than perhaps the initial threats (ancient history!) and a snide remark here and there (just Joel being Joel!).  He said he hadn't told his mom anything negative about Joel, not that he could recall; he definitely hadn't told her about any threats.  Rachel seemed to pick up on Bailey's _wariness,_ though, and held it against both Ellie and Joel.  Her attitude towards Ellie was enough cause for Joel not to like her, and this just compounded it.

_Why_ had Ellie thought this might go well?!

At least things were more uncomfortable than hostile.  The rehearsed shallow compliments didn't really break the ice as Ellie had hoped, and some of Ellie's dumb jokes could probably be blamed on nerves, or 'trying too hard.'  Like when she'd found out the dish they were eating was called chicken a la king, and lamely asked where the king was, and mentioned that it didn't seem fancy enough for a king, but oh there's nothing _wrong_ with that... yeah.  Joel and Bailey had pretended to be amused, rescuing her from Rachel's cool gaze with remarks of their own.  'Cool gaze' was too hospitable, actually -- it was more like a deathglare.

When she wasn't glaring, Rachel really was quite pretty, Ellie thought.  She had a gracefulness about her.  High cheekbones, only a dusting of freckles on her light skin... Bailey had the same skin, but his freckles were way more pronounced.  Like Ellie's.  Bailey had also inherited his intense blue eyes from his mother.  Their hair couldn't be more different, though -- and not just because Rachel didn't have a charming cowlick.  Hers was blond (dirty blond, according to Joel, but Ellie thought that was a mean way to describe it), about shoulder-length, and tonight she wore it pulled back, with some wispy strands framing her face.  Her bangs were thick and neat, unlike Ellie's; Joel had many talents, but cutting hair was not one of them.  She actually thought she could cut her own hair better than he could cut it -- which was _really_ sad.  Joel wanted to take her to some chick in the Town Square who would do it properly, and Ellie always refused.  She didn't much _care_ what her hair looked like.  It seemed silly and vain.

"Ellie, have some more," Bailey encouraged her as she took her last bite, and she wondered if he was trying to score points with Joel on that one; he knew Joel always wanted her to eat more and put some 'meat on her bones.'  No one else had finished yet.

"It's so good I guess I ate it too fast," she said sheepishly.  Ellie had already praised the meal a couple times, but it's not like she was being insincere.  She was about to help herself to more mashed potatoes when it occurred to her that maybe she ought to, for once, mind her manners.  She was seated next to Joel at the rectangular table, and across from Bailey, who sat next to his mom.  Ellie didn't feel comfortable addressing Rachel by her first name.  It also seemed silly to use the 'Miss Rachel' that her young students used.  Ms. Donovan seemed too formal... and she just plain didn't like 'ma'am', which is what Joel favored (although it did sound good in Joel's Texas accent), so on the rare occasions she spoke to Rachel without being spoken to first, she kinda just had to wait and get her attention.  She looked in Rachel's direction.  "Um... may I?  Please have some more?"

Joel answered instead.  "He jus' told you to, you don' gotta ask.  'Specially if it's sittin' right there in front of you."

Still, Ellie paused with her hand on the serving spoon, waiting for Rachel's blessing, for her to just glance her way and nod, at least.  _This is so fucking stupid._ After another beat, she slowly took a small dollop of potatoes, and the woman finally graced her with a stiff reply.  "Take what you want."

Ellie wondered if she was imagining the sarcasm in that statement.  She helped herself to a modest second portion.  "We've been here like a year and I still eat too fast sometimes, huh Joel."  She waited for Joel to grunt assent.  "On the road we didn't always have a lot of time to eat -- eating is a distraction from staying alive.  Er, I mean, it _helps_ you stay alive, obviously.  We didn't always have a lot of food to eat either.  So I'd get really hungry and that made me eat faster, too.  And before that, at school, the kids who ate slow didn't get to finish their meal.  Some bully would steal it from them, or try to.  Eating was kind of a violent pastime in Boston."  She realized she was babbling (about an unpleasant subject, no less) and shoveled a forkful of creamy chickeny goodness into her mouth to shut herself up.

Bailey had heard it before.  "Everyone underestimates Ellie 'cause she's small but she could hold her own," he told his mom proudly.

"Well, I had help," Ellie reminded him.  "My best friend, she was two years older than me.  We looked out for each other.  We had our fair share of enemies in that school."  _Shut up, Ellie -- having enemies won't impress her!_ She sipped her lemonade (which she'd also made sure to over-compliment) to occupy her mouth with something other than saying stupid shit.

Rachel made a 'tsk' sound.  "It sounds awful.  You had such a violent upbringing compared to Bailey."

Something about the way she said it made Ellie feel like it was a criticism of her, and Joel must have felt it also, because he interjected, "It wasn' Ellie's fault she was in those schools.  Her poor excuse for a guardian shoulda done more to protect her.  You're lucky you got to homeschool your kid.  Or at least be the one teachin' him, in whatever Zone school he was at."

"I agree," Rachel replied coolly.  "We've been very fortunate.  In many ways.  It's just that the two of them are so... _different_.  They're from different worlds."

Joel snorted.  "Ain't no such thing anymore.  There's no... ghetto versus uptown, or... it's the same fucked-up world out there for everyone."

"Not exactly," Rachel replied.  Ellie was beginning to wonder if glaring was actually her default method of looking at people.  "It's just a different form of class distinction."

Joel was unperturbed.  "Well, we're all in the same place now, and this is it.  There's nothin' better or... fancier, an' whatnot... to aspire to, this is as good as it gets.  'Less you wanna join the military, an' that's a crapshoot on how good you'll get it."

"That doesn't make Bailey and Ellie... the same," Rachel replied.  The hesitation made Ellie wonder which word 'the same' had replaced.  'Equals,' maybe?

"It don' make Bailey any better than Ellie, either."  Again, Joel's thoughts followed Ellie's.

"I never said that."

"But you're thinkin' it."

Ellie was glad Joel wasn't taking Rachel’s shit (even if it was, allegedly, impolite to act thusly in the home of someone hosting you for dinner; fuck _that_ outdated custom!).  Still... Joel was starting to sound much more confrontational than conversational -- again -- and she had to think of a way to diffuse the tension...

Rachel's smile was patronizing -- and fake, of course.  Like she was only playing at being civil.  "I’m sorry, but you have no idea what I'm thinking."

"Oh, I think I do."

Ellie tried to telepath _'Just drop it'_ to Joel, who usually picked up on such things from her... but he was ignoring her.

"Of course I'm not better than Ellie," Bailey interrupted cheerfully, clearly attempting to lighten the mood.  "Ellie does all kinds of things better -- she can _fish_ better than me, even though she just started last year and I've been doing it since I was about yea high."  His palm indicated the height of a small child.

Ellie laughed a little louder than necessary, grateful for the subject change.  Maria's father, Ed, was actually the one who'd taught her how to fish properly.  "Uh, that one time, you mean.  Sheer _luck._ "

"Yes, anyone can get lucky."  Rachel didn't let up.  And it seemed that she and Joel were trying to outglare each other.  _Who are the adults here?_ Ellie mused to herself.  She watched Rachel's fork idly twirl across her plate as she continued.  "It must've been hard for Ellie growing up without her parents and only that... 'poor excuse for a guardian,' as you put it, someone who didn't actually raise her, or even _live_ with her, Bailey tells me?  Especially if those schools were so rough.  It's a wonder she's not... well... deranged, in some way."

Ellie had to bite her tongue to keep from snarking back, _"Who says I'm not?"_   All the ass-kissing was starting to wear on her, and her true self yearned to be expressed.  But Rachel's tone seemed to imply that she _did_ think Ellie may have a screw or two loose, as they say, and Ellie didn't want to reinforce the idea.

Joel bristled.  "So now that's her fault, too?"

"I didn't say it was."

"It's okay," Ellie said to Joel before turning to Rachel.  "Yeah, growing up wasn't easy, but I didn't know any different, y'know?  Me and the other kids there... we had to figure things out the hard way.  l learned how to survive.  Then I was lucky enough to meet Joel, and we sort of adopted each other."  She leaned sideways to give Joel a quick sidearm hug, hoping to relax him a little.  Sometimes just that tiny bit of affection was all it took.

"How did that come about?" Rachel asked with what sounded like genuine interest.  "With all the speculation there was about you two when you first got here, I don't think I ever got the whole story.  Bailey only told me that you met randomly in Boston, and Joel helped you come out west."

"Mom, it's rude to ask people stuff like that," Bailey chided her with a nervous chuckle.

"How is it rude?  Aren't you curious?"

Joel always answered these sorts of questions smoothly, albeit vaguely, with grains of truth amidst the lies.  They'd concocted a palatable story for such inquiries, and that's what he fed Rachel.  A tale of Marlene trying and failing to escort Ellie to a safer environment (it's not like anyone out here knew how safe or unsafe the Boston Quarantine Zone was), and to a real home, not a military school.  How, when they'd arrived, the people Ellie was supposed to live with were missing, presumed dead or infected or driven away to parts unknown... how Marlene also had family living in Colorado near the UEC, and since Joel had a hankering to try out life in his brother's settlement in Wyoming, he'd offered to take Ellie along.  That accounted for their 'passing through' in the fall of 2033 -- enough residents knew about that visit that it had to be included in the story.  But of course, she and Joel had found that the Colorado folks met the same fate as the others, and then they returned to Jackson for good. 

"I'm surprised you two could travel all the way across the country without getting yourselves killed," Rachel marveled.

"I've learned how to survive, too," Joel said simply.

"By killing people," Rachel added.

"Mom, seriously?" Bailey groaned.

But it's not like Joel was ashamed of their conduct on the trip.  Ellie wasn't, either.  She'd struggled with the killing at first, but she'd adapted.  They'd done what they had to do.  "Yes, when I had to," Joel echoed Ellie's thoughts.  "That's how the world works."

" _She's_ killed people before, too," Bailey said, earning himself one of his mother’s glares.  He turned to Rachel.  "Sorry, but it's true.  You can't judge them."

"There's a difference between... isolated incidents of self-defense, and killing anyone who gets in your way," she explained.  "Some people seem to... develop a _taste_ for violence, as it were.  Tommy's talked about the kind of life he and Joel used to have.  The toll it took on him... why he left... they were basically like the bandits who raid this town."

"Joel and Tommy are _nothing_ like those shitheads!"  Ellie knew Tommy had talked about his past with every new arrival in town, and that he didn't purposely paint Joel as the bad guy of the duo, but some people would draw their own conclusions.  Joel didn't give enough of a shit to dissuade anyone from their assumptions, either.  He'd said he would try for Ellie's sake if anyone's opinion of him somehow adversely affected her -- but the truth was, she didn't really give a shit either.

Except for situations like this one, apparently.

"It's all right, Ellie," Joel said calmly.  He really _didn't_ seem to care what people, or at least Rachel, thought of him.  He only started getting fired up if it was on Ellie's behalf.  Just like she took more offense to someone talking shit about Joel than about herself.  "Truth is, we _weren't_ so different from them, back then.  I ain't proud of it, but it's my past, an' I own it.  Only killin' I've done in this past year-plus was either in self-defense or defense of this town.  Ellie hasn' killed anyone since we got here."

"I _would_ , though," Ellie interjected.  She had to stand by Joel on that one, even if it didn't endear her to Rachel.  "It's still kill-or-be-killed.  Joel just has this thing about wanting me to have a normal childhood.  Even though it's too late for that -- I'm not a child anymore."

"Yeah you are," Joel said, smiling a little.

"On _that_ , we agree," Rachel said.  "Because Bailey's still a child, too."

Bailey rolled his eyes.  "For another seven months.  Eighteen is like some magic number that instantly turns a kid into an adult."

Ellie laughed.  "So it's not just Joel who thinks that!"  She knew very well that the eighteen thing wasn't invented by Joel, but she did so love to give him shit about some of the weird customs he'd observed in olden times.

Joel chuckled.  "It don' make you an adult overnight, no.  That was jus' the law.  Have to draw the line somewhere.”  He looked at Bailey.  “Tell you what, though -- I'll prob'ly think of Ellie as a kid for at least a few years after that.  Bet your mom'll do the same with you."

"She can't, I've been hearing about eighteen my whole life -- I'll remind her if she forgets."

Rachel swatted at his head playfully, but Bailey ducked out of her reach in time.  "I'll still be your mother!  That's all that matters.  You boys want to finish this up?  Ellie?"  She'd started divvying up the rest of the food between the two guys before they even answered, but Ellie declined a third helping.

When Rachel started taking the empty serving bowls to the kitchen, Ellie got up, too.  "Let me help you with that."

Joel and Bailey both protested, but Rachel didn't -- she even said it was nice of Ellie to offer, in a way that didn't sound all bitchy-like -- so Ellie grabbed the empty plates on the table and followed Rachel to the kitchen, which was actually a whole separate room in their house, unlike Joel and Ellie's.  Rachel suggested that she wash and Ellie dry.

They worked silently, other than Rachel instructing her on where to put things, and Ellie felt rather awkward.  She tried to use the silence to rack her brains for something _not_ imbecilic to say.  They couldn't really eavesdrop on the guys' conversation too well, but the indistinct chatter they did hear was lively, animated... the sweet sound of her two favorite people bonding!  She wished Bailey could hear the same sounds coming from the kitchen.  _What am I even doing?  I should have stayed at the table._

Then Rachel decided to break the silence with, "I don't hate you, you know."  Wry smile, sidelong glance.

Ellie wasn't expecting that.  _Can she fucking read my mind?!_   "Oh, um... I don't hate you, too.  -Either, I mean."  She took great care wiping the spots off the lid in her hands, thinking the silence was actually less awkward than cutting the bullshit – if that’s even what this was...

Rachel continued, "You do make Bailey happy, and that's... important.  It's just that... he's a good boy..."

_And I'm a bad girl,_ Ellie finished for her.  She couldn't really argue with that.  She and Joel had had many futile discussions about the good/bad spectrum and where they each landed on it, and why.  Joel would never rank her high enough on the bad side (or himself high enough on the good side).  But she'd never been the proverbial 'good girl,' nor had she desired to be one -- until this moment, possibly.  Oddly, she found that she actually _wanted_ Rachel's approval.  For real, not just as part of some charade for Bailey's sake.  "He is.  I _like_ that about him -- I'm not trying to like... change him, or anything."

"Well.  He _is_ nearly a grown man now, he deserves to lead his own life and make his own decisions, and if I've done my job well, he'll make the right ones.  I can't keep him with me forever."

"He's still with you!  I'm not stealing him from you, I swear.

Rachel's smile still struck Ellie as condescending.  "Perhaps you're not trying to.  But it’s what happens."

"No!  Really!  Doesn't he... I mean, on the days when me and Joel hang out..."

"Oh, I see him, yes, of course.  He also spends time with Marcus, and maybe a couple other kids from time to time... and he likes to be alone sometimes, too.  It's not so much the _time_ , as the... _tch_ , never mind that.  I'm just a mama bear sometimes."  She chuckled at herself.  "A _lot_ of times.  He's my only child.  And as far as I know, my only living relative."

"I totally get it," Ellie said kindly.  "Joel feels protective of me, too -- and I'm not even his biological kid.  We've only known each other two years.  So the protectiveness you feel towards Bailey must be like... ten times as bad.  -As _much_."  Ellie didn't really believe that, because she knew Joel _was_ pretty fucking hardcore protective, in spite of them not even being related, but she was feeling generous now.

"Here -- I think that's sufficiently dry now, hon."  Rachel handed her the pot she'd just washed, and Ellie tried not to feel embarrassed that she'd been mindlessly overdrying that lid.   _She can be a smartass and not be a bitch,_ Ellie reminded herself.  _You do it all the time!_  

"It _is_ a strong feeling," Rachel continued.  "Joel has nothing to fear from Bailey.  He'd never hurt you... or anyone.  He's the sweetest, most loving boy in the world."

"I know," Ellie said, feeling embarrassed in a different way now.  She could imagine the hilarious shade of red Bailey would turn when she told him -- in exaggerated fashion, of course -- how his mom had _gushed_ about his sweet nature.  "Um, in case you're worried about Joel, his tough guy act is... well, an act.  He's all talk, really.  He's not violent."

"He kills people, but he's not violent, hmm?"

"He... doesn't _like_ killing people, I mean."  Ellie wasn't really sure she believed that, actually, because when he got angry enough... Rachel wouldn't appreciate the distinction, though.  "He doesn't have that taste for violence you talked about.  He wouldn't hurt Bailey, trust me."  That was kind of a lie, too.  _Except not really, because Bailey would never do anything to me that would MAKE Joel hurt him.  Yeah!_

"Maybe I should worry about _you_ ," Rachel replied, and Ellie seriously couldn't have said if she was joking or not.  _Why is she so fucking hard to read?!_

"Me?  Ha ha, right.  I'm _so_ dangerous."  Ellie rolled her eyes, like that was the most ridiculous thought ever; then she busied herself arranging the lidded pot _just so_ in the cabinet with its mates.  Truthfully, Ellie believed that she could beat Bailey in a fight with any sort of weapon, or that wasn't a contest of sheer strength.  He'd had such a sheltered -- or, as Joel liked to say, privileged -- life that he could actually remember all the fights he'd ever been in; he could count them on one hand.

Ellie had been meaning to ask Joel if he wouldn't mind giving Bailey some combat lessons.  Rachel wouldn't like that, but she didn't need to know.  Ellie could give him pointers, but she wasn't anywhere near as skilled or strong as Joel, and although Bailey would probably be scared shitless to actually try to hit Joel at first (for practice), she thought he would eventually do it if Joel goaded him, whereas he would absolutely refuse to hit Ellie, even half-assed.  Because she was a girl, obviously, and _nice_ guys were weird about that (if she was kicking his ass, wouldn't he have to hit her then?!) -- but she'd bet that the bigger deterrent was Joel.  If Joel found any bruises on Ellie, even just minor or accidental ones from training, he would probably go batshit.

Ellie might grumble about sexism and stupid male egos and the like, but secretly, she kinda liked it.  And she was actually _special_ enough now that people didn't want to hurt her.

* * *

 

Apparently it was tragic that Ellie had never played Monopoly.  Joel hadn't played it in forever, but he knew how to play.  He told Ellie that there were hundreds if not thousands of different game boards, every theme you could think of from movies to TV shows to video games to sports teams to local cities.  The one Bailey was monopolizing (pun intended!) from the bookstore, which served as a library of sorts, was Star Wars-flavored.  That was some space movie she had yet to get around to seeing.  It was so old it had been made even before _Joel_ was born.

They said it would be more fun to do it as four players rather than two teams.  The two kids sat on the floor with lemonade, the adults on the couch with mead -- a drink favored by pretty much anyone who drank alcohol in Jackson.  Ellie thought it smelled nasty, and she was content with her lemonade.  Bailey assured her it _tasted_ nasty, too.

Dinner had all but killed Ellie's hopes for Joel and Rachel to fall madly in love, thereby transforming the four of them into one big happy family.  But while Bailey was fetching the game and Rachel the mead, Ellie had clambered up on the couch and furtively told Joel that Rachel had been 'really nice' (perhaps a wee exaggeration) in the kitchen, that she wasn't so bad, really.  He'd made a 'that's good' type of remark, and then she couldn't think of anything matchmaker-y to say before Rachel and Bailey returned to the room. 

Bailey loved the game so much, he'd had it for months, maybe even a year, without trading it in for another game.  He said that was okay because there were other Monopoly games there, but he sounded a little guilty about it anyway, rather defensive... which Ellie thought was adorable.  The unwritten rule was one item from each of the entertainment categories at a time, and he wasn't breaking that.  Ellie currently had four books in her room instead of one, and she didn't even feel bad about it.  If anyone was dying to read something she had, they'd put up a request on the bulletin board, and if she liked (or at least, didn't dislike) the requester, she might read a little faster then, or return it to borrow at a later time.

Joel and Rachel were seated as far away from each other on that couch as they possibly could be while still within reach of the board on the coffee table (they insisted on calling it that, even though there was no such thing as coffee anymore, at least as far as any of them knew).  Ellie sat at Joel's feet, and Bailey sat opposite the couch.  Bailey started explaining the rules to Ellie, and as a refresher for Joel.  Joel argued about one of the rules, and even though Bailey showed him in the instructions where it said Bailey's way was right, Joel said this was a widely-accepted deviation from the rules.  Rachel actually said she remembered that, too, now that he mentioned it, and they should play it Joel's way.  Ellie got excited about that, just a little... except it didn't make them sit any closer to each other, and she was probably reading waaaay too much into it.

When they were finally ready to get started, Rachel said there was something else they should know about the game.  "Or did Bailey already tell you, Ellie?"

"Um... I don't think so?  Tell me what?"

"How he plays it alone--"

"Mom!" Bailey groaned.  "That has nothing to do with anything!"

Rachel looked quite mischievous, grinning gleefully at her son, who could blush even more spectacularly than Ellie.  Amused as she was at his embarrassment, Ellie felt the need to come to his rescue anyway.  "That's not so weird," she said.  "If he feels like playing it, why not?"

"But he doesn't just play, he has to keep--"

" _Mom!_ " Bailey objected a little more forcefully this time.

"What?" Rachel said with mock innocence.  "You don't want to keep secrets from Ellie, do you?  That's no way to start a relationship."

"I don't even do it anymore!"

"Oh, he does," Rachel assured them.  She looked alternately at Ellie and Joel as she explained.  "He does these tournaments, three players at a time -- he keeps track of who wins, with all this detail about the properties held and how many ships and the final dollar amount in the till -- all the 'stats' on the winner.  He used to do it turn by turn so he had all this info on the losers, too, but that got to be too time-consuming, didn't it, sweetie?  So now he just keeps track of the number of turns it takes to win, and everything else is counted at the end.  The winners advance to the next round, so on and so forth until there's one champion.  It's aaaaaall recorded for posterity in this notebook he has.  Pages dated and everything.  Who was it that won last time... the Chewbacca token?"

Bailey lay on the floor on his back with his hands covering his face, murmuring "Oh my God" to himself -- until Ellie poked him in the side, which forced his hands to abandon his face to ward off an impending tickle attack.  "That is sooooo cute!" Ellie exclaimed, laying down next to him, but he rolled away from her, muttering something about how evil his mother is.  "I can't believe you never told me that, Bay!  Isn't that the most adorable thing you've ever heard, Joel?"

Joel did look mildly amused.  "Oh yes, ~that's soooo cute!~" he trilled in a singsong imitation of Ellie.

Ellie giggled.  "Where's this notebook?  I wanna see!"

"Nooooo!"  Bailey scrambled to his feet to stand guard at the hallway leading to his bedroom.

"I actually don't know where he keeps it," Rachel admitted.  "Under his bed, perhaps?"

Ellie hopped up.  "On it!"  She tried to rush right by him, but he caught her and held her so tight she could barely breathe (or maybe that was because she was giggling so much).  She managed to wriggle out of his grasp and start down the hallway, but he quickly caught her again.  "Jooooeeeelllll!  Help!"

She could hear Joel chuckling in the other room.  "Ellie, let the guy keep _some_ pride!"

"That's no fun!" she hollered back.

But Bailey did tug her into his bedroom, and they tumbled onto his bed.  Ellie was still giggling when he started kissing her, and she said he wouldn't get off the hook _that_ easily... except he pretty much did, because Ellie loved kissing him, and not being able to do it (or anything other than playing footsie under the table) all night had been some form of sweet torture. 

_"Bailey!  Ten seconds!"_

That's what Rachel said to him when he was ignoring her, or taking too long to stop doing whatever he was doing and come out of his room.  If he didn't, she'd go stop it for him.  Bailey felt that this little routine was childish and should have been retired when he was like, eleven or twelve.  "Sheesh, she skipped right to the warning," he grumbled. 

"At least you're not jerking off this time?"  Ellie started giggling again, remembering the story he'd told her.

A response from him would re-set the 'mom clock' and perhaps even double the time.  "Coming!" he hollered.

"No you're not, we don't have time for that!" Ellie snickered.

Bailey was amused, but he shushed her and clamped a hand over her giggling mouth.  "What if they heard you?!" he whispered.

She licked his palm to be a brat, and he released her.  "Pretty sure they both know what we're doing in here anyways,” Ellie remarked.  “They’re not morons.”  She didn't want Joel to walk in on them either, though, so she got up and smoothed her shirt and hair.  She looked out Bailey's bedroom window.  "Look -- the moon's up..."

"Hey, yeah."  He looked out over her head.  It wasn't completely dark outside yet, but it was dark in his room since they hadn't turned the light on, and the moon was visible enough.

"They say people do craaaazy things the night of a full moon," Ellie said with mock nonchalance.

"They do, huh?  I wonder what sort of people do those things," he said knowingly.

"I wonder!"

Ellie didn't mean to wish the night away or anything, especially now that everyone seemed to be getting along just fine and enjoying themselves -- even Joel -- but she kind of couldn't wait for it to be midnight...


	3. Nightswimming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Chapter title from the R.E.M. song.
> 
> I feel the need to mention that although this is a WIP, I wrote the "skeleton" of it (more than an outline, less than a first draft) in its entirety before I began posting the story here -- before the Part 2 trailer was released. Thus, any similarities to the trailer are coincidental, any differences are unintentional.
> 
>  **WARNINGS for this chapter: _Sexual assault/rape, and other violence._** This chapter has a major shift in tone. The second half was difficult for me to write (I even gave myself a quasi-nightmare, writing the first draft). I tried not to be overly graphic, but it's still just awful. You may want to have some fluff on hand to wash it down with.  Please don't hate me.

Ellie started staring at her bedroom window around eleven-thirty.  _Maybe Bailey will come early..._

Except she'd told him not to.  Joel didn't necessarily have to be asleep for her to sneak out, but he did need to have retired for the night, with his bedroom door shut, which would muffle what little noise she generated.  It wouldn't muffle the slight squeak of the front door, however -- she'd learned that the hard way, when it had betrayed her to Joel even behind his closed bedroom door.  Luckily, that was long before Bailey had come along; Joel only had Ellie to be furious with that time.  He'd been more peeved than furious, actually.  This time, he'd be livid if he knew what she was up to.  Ellie's bedroom door was also shut, of course, to further silence her movements.  If Joel were to rap on it, she could still quickly scurry under her blanket to hide the fact that she'd changed from sleepwear back into real clothes.  But she couldn't imagine why he'd need to talk to her now after they'd spent the whole evening together.

It hadn't worked out too badly.  In fact, when she'd mentioned that she and Joel could host next time, Rachel hadn't objected (possibly only to be polite).  There was still some unresolved tension, and maybe there always would be... but it seemed to Ellie that they'd all enjoyed playing the board game.  Joel ended up being the big winner, with Rachel going bankrupt first.  When it was clear to Ellie that she was never going to get ahead herself, she'd asked Joel if she could 'move in' with him, combining her meager holdings with his.  Bailey had protested vehemently that such a thing was against the rules, which, to Ellie's amusement, only seemed to make Joel more inclined to say yes.  Ellie said it was only fair that since Joel was the parental figure, his opinion on the matter trumped Bailey's (it was all in good fun, but she hoped that making such a definitive statement wouldn't come back later to bite her in the ass!).

When she and Joel had walked home, they'd headed for the front door, and therefore did not walk by her tomato plants.  It was easy to pretend she'd forgotten all about the lullaby.  It was almost 11:00 by then, and Ellie didn't want to keep Joel up late with the singing.  So now he probably thought he was safe from being forced -- _persuaded_ , rather -- to do so.  _Only until tomorrow night!_

After forever, Bailey's head finally popped up in the window, startling her even though she'd totally been waiting for him.  She couldn't actually see his face, just a silhouette against the moonlight.  Paranoid of alerting Joel, she'd told him not to tap on the window... to just show his face and back up a little.

Ellie had prepared the window in advance by undoing the screen so that all she had to do was gingerly remove it.  Completely silent in spite of her excitement, she climbed out, with Bailey's (totally unnecessary) assistance, then oh-so-quietly shut the window behind her, so as not to advertise to the town that it was unlocked.  Not that anyone really needed to worry about shit like that in Jackson, especially in summer when open windows weren't uncommon... but still.  They crept away from the house -- in the opposite direction of Joel's bedroom -- all the way to the far side of the dilapidated backyard fence before finally daring to breathe... let alone hug and kiss and whisper excitedly to each other.

Actually, it was Ellie doing all the excited whispering.  Bailey was pretty chill.  More than once, he asked her if she was sure she wanted to do this.

"You're not chickening out on me now, are you?" she teased him the second time he asked.  "I have the Beretta.  And my knife.  Plus there's _never_ anyone Outside at night.  Raids always happen in the daytime."

It took them only a few minutes to reach their chosen point of escape.  Ellie’s plan made her feel quite clever, at least compared to the younger kids she'd heard about recently who'd helped each other climb up on a shed and over the fence, but then lacked the means to get back Inside.  The idiots had had to eventually traipse around to the gate.  _Busted!_   She and Bailey were exiting behind the house of a pre-Cordyceps junk hoarder (or so Joel had speculated), which was unoccupied now.  There were mounds of junk _every_ where.  And that was _after_ the salvageable junk had been scavenged, so all that remained was truly junky junk.  Broken, rusty, filthy, critter-infested piles of unrecognizable pieces of who-knows-what that even the adventurous children in town wouldn't explore.  She and Bailey had cleared themselves a path through it.  Behind a tall, rotted-out wardrobe were a couple of panels of fencing that they'd worked loose earlier that day -- two panels where there should have been three.  All they had to do was heave the dresser out just enough to permit them to carefully shift the wood aside and slip through. 

Bailey went first; he barely fit.  After Ellie clambered through, they reached back inside to right the loose panels, so that to the naked eye (Joel had explained that expression to her, but it still made her imagine clothed eyeballs stripping!), everything appeared to be in place -- as much as anything else on this sad portion of fencing, anyway.  Even if Outsiders did try to push their way in, most grown men wouldn't be able to squeeze through that skinny opening.  If they somehow had the right tools with them... well, then they'd be able to get in at any number of places around the perimeter anyway.  Ellie would never have just straight up cut a hole in the fence to get out, leaving Jackson blatantly exposed, but this was practically invisible both inside and out.  And it was midnight.  _And_ they'd only be gone maybe a couple hours.  The risk to the town was so minimal.  They'd done it once before; that time was mostly just to prove they could.  It was too nerve-wracking in the daytime, expecting to get caught any second by someone on patrol, or perhaps some hunters (the citizens who hunted game for the town, not the bad kind). 

In theory, there were patrols at night, too, but everyone knew the guards were pretty lax about it (third shift tended to congregate at the main gate), and the guards' flashlights would announce their presence in plenty of time to take cover, anyway.  Bailey and Ellie had brought their own flashlights, but decided not to use them in favor of moonlight, which was strong enough to illuminate their path.  It bathed the forest in a silvery glow that Ellie found utterly beautiful and romantic. 

Their destination was like a fifteen- or twenty-minute walk away.  There really was no need to whisper anymore, far away from the open windows of the town with only the trees to hear them, but they continued to do it anyway... it seemed to add to the illicitness of it all.  It was surprisingly thrilling to break the rules, even if it _was_ tainted with a twinge of guilt:  _good thing Joel will never find out about this._

The list of things Ellie didn't want Joel to know was getting longer.

He would be so disappointed in her if he knew that in spite of the agreement, she and Bailey had already had sex.  Twice, in fact.  And while it hadn't exactly happened by accident, it's not like they'd planned on being deceptive from the beginning.  Ellie couldn't remember if she'd _promised_ Joel she wouldn't do it, technically... but all the same, she'd agreed not to.  Rachel had actually made no such demands of Bailey, although she didn't have to, thanks to Joel... and Bailey had said she was definitely happy to hear that they wouldn't be having sex on account of Joel's decree.

It had happened when they’d gone 'out for a walk.'  Not _Out_ -out -- only around town.  There were plenty of unoccupied houses or buildings to provide them with enough privacy.  At first, there'd just been some touching.  Curious hands wandering over each other's bodies.  Ellie had felt so guilty about that later that she thought surely Joel would somehow _know_ she'd done something naughty.  He didn't seem to, though, so she’d chalked it up to paranoia. Later, it was their eyes that got curious, followed by their lips and tongues.  With each offense, the guilt lessened.  They weren't hurting anyone, after all.  Bailey was way more hesitant about things than Ellie (he claimed he had an image in his head of Joel finding them making out and proceeding to beat the shit out of him -- _ha!_   Like she would ever let Joel do that).  Every time Bailey said something along the lines of 'no we shouldn't,' Ellie couldn't help but respond with 'yes we should' -- and she pretty much always got her way.  She would find a way to tell Joel, eventually... when she'd convinced him that she _was_ old enough, and Bailey was a good guy, and they were truly in love.

They didn't mess around every single time they saw each other, or even every time they were alone.  But... well... it was enough that they kept feeling tempted to go further.  When they got to the point where they were naked, grinding against each other, hands grabbing, bodies and tongues intertwined, they were both just like _'why the fuck not?!'_ about all-the-way sex.  As long as Bailey pulled out? -again, no harm done.

Ellie had been rather underwhelmed by the act itself (it hurt, and wasn't the earth supposed to move? It hadn't) but Bailey sure seemed to like it.  He'd constantly asked her if she was okay, even though she always said yes.  She did like the _closeness_  of it.  There was an emotional aspect that she hadn't ever fully realized before; she and Bailey couldn't get any closer than him being inside of her, transcending the physical and filling a certain emptiness she hadn't even known was there.  She felt bad that she didn't enjoy it as much as Bailey did, so she tried not to let on that she preferred his mouth and fingers over his dick.  That just seemed... _rude_. 

Tonight wasn't about sex, though -- if it happened, it happened, but really they just wanted to go _skinny-dipping!_   Well... _Ellie_ wanted to, and she'd managed to get Bailey excited about it, too.  It was quite bad-girl-corrupting-good-boy of her... but Rachel would never know.  Ellie started peeling off her clothes as soon as the lake came into view, vast and black with shimmery stripes of moonlight rippling through it.  Bailey laughed at her eagerness.  "Hey, wait 'til we get closer, what if someone's around?" He actually sounded nervous.  He switched on his flashlight and scanned the area, every which way.

"Go ahead and look, there's ~no one~!" she sang out gaily, no longer bothering to whisper.  "And who really cares if anyone wants to look at us?  Everything looks _awesome_ in moonlight!"

"You... definitely don't have anything on that body to be ashamed of, Ell.  Even in full sunlight." 

She could feel him watching her appreciatively -- and she was glad that moonlight also concealed blushing.  "Aww!  Um... you too..."  She kissed him, but only briefly -- she was a woman on a mission.  She was also completely naked before Bailey -- once satisfied that they were indeed alone -- had even pulled his pants off.  "Come _on_ , slowpoke!" she teased, tugging at his shirt.

Their clothes lay scattered about the grass.  Bailey tried to make a big show of picking them up and folding them neatly, just to drive Ellie even _more_ crazy from impatience, but she wouldn't let him.  She dragged him down the bank into the water, stumbling over the large-ish stones at the edge, splashing in knee-deep before coming to an abrupt halt.  "It's fucking cold!" she shrieked.  "And I stubbed my toe!"

"Sssshhhhh, oh my God you're loud," he scolded, laughing.  "Just keep going deeper, we'll get used to it..."

They did get used to it, but they were still shivery and goosebumpy and Ellie wished the sun would shine on them to warm them up.  Swimming in the daytime was risky for her, though, thanks to her scarred arm.  She could wear long sleeves in the water over her suit, like she wore long sleeves everywhere else ( _"I sunburn easily,"_ she would say)... but she still had to be careful the sleeve didn't get pushed up.  In the dark, even with all the light from the full moon, it was impossible to make out the bite for what it was.

Not that Bailey didn't already know.  That was another talk Ellie had to have with Joel.

_"I have to tell him, Joel."_

_"No, you don't.  You can't.  It ain't like you're gonna be naked with him.  Right?  ...Right, Ellie?"_

_"Right."_

_"So you can hide it."_

_"I don't WANT to hide it from him!  Even with me wearing long sleeves all the time, there's a chance he might feel it's not smooth there or something and then try to look at it and maybe freak out.  What if he sees it and shoots me?  Do you want that on your conscience?"_

_"Very funny.  If he'd shoot you then, he could jus' as well shoot you when you tell him."_

_"He won’t.  I'll explain it and make him promise not to tell a living soul and then I won't have to worry about it anymore."_

_"The more people who know, the more we HAVE to worry about it."_

_"Not him!  I'm telling you, Joel, he's trustworthy!"_

_"Say you two break up, an' he's pissed off an' wants to get back at you or some shit?"_

_"Ha!  That's not gonna happen!"_

_"Anythin' can happen."_

_"Okay then, how about this -- we tell him together.  You can tell him you'll blow his brains out if he tells anyone -- and their brains too -- or whatever you wanna threaten him with that makes you happy.  It won't matter cuz he won't tell."_

_"...I'll think about it."_

It had taken another six days to convince Joel, and he did opt for them to tell Bailey together, swearing him to secrecy first.  They told him the real story of how they'd come to be in Jackson.  Bailey took it pretty well.  He was surprised, but he didn't seem to think Ellie was a dangerous freak or anything.  And he was perfectly content to keep the secret.  Joel asked him if he would feel bad keeping it from his mom, and Bailey said no, because it was _their_ secret -- Joel's and Ellie's -- not his, so it wasn't his choice to make.  Besides, Bailey knew his overprotective mom would flip out, and he certainly didn't want to give her any incentive to declare Ellie too dangerous for him to be around.  He marveled at the fact that they'd hidden it from everyone in Jackson for over a year.

Being naked with him, again, did make Ellie feel the familiar guilt... but not enough to make her stop.  Eventually, she would confess her various transgressions to Joel.  When she was sure he wouldn't actually _kill_ Bailey -- as if it were all his doing and Ellie was an innocent bystander, even though it was totally the other way around.  So, there was sneaking out... getting naked... possible sex later... and Joel also wouldn't like that she was swimming without him.  He'd taught her the basics, but she wasn't what he considered a strong swimmer, and neither was Bailey.  They didn't go out all that deep, though, and it wasn't like there was a current or anything.  The lake was calm and still, and beautiful in the moonlight.  Completely non-threatening.

They did very little actual swimming.  They frolicked in the water, jumping around, splashing and chasing and climbing on each other, kissing, groping a little... but Ellie didn't want to try to have sex in the water, and Bailey seemed relieved to hear that.  The water didn't feel conducive to it; it was too cold, and mechanically, sex seemed like it would be even more awkward than usual.  They'd completely abandoned the idea of keeping quiet, laughing and splashing and yelling freely.

After about twenty minutes of this, they became more interested in the kissing and groping than the playing.  With her arms around Bailey's neck, Ellie whispered in his ear, "Let's go fuck in the grass under the stars!"

He grinned at her.  "If you insist!"  He moved them toward the water's edge, Ellie clinging to him, giggling, as the water receded, her arms and legs wrapped around him.  He set her down on her feet before they got to the rocks.

"You're supposed to carry me," she protested, pressing her body up against his as he walked her backwards.

"What if I tripped over these rocks and dropped you?" he reasoned apologetically.

"You wouldn't!  But fine, be that way, Mr. Better-Safe-Than-Sorry.  Come on!"  She broke free of him and scrambled up the bank.  "It is seriously fucking _freezing_ out here!  How could we forget to bring towels?!"

Bailey chuckled.  "I guess cuz it was hot out when we planned it?"

"Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!" she lamented, hugging herself.  Bailey was a few paces behind her as she hurried towards the area they'd littered with their garments.  She had quite forgotten that they were Outside, until she detected some movement in the shadows...  _No, there's no one there, it's your imagination..._ Still, she needed to find her gun as soon as possible.  She suddenly felt apprehensive and vulnerable.  Had she really _forgotten_ what it could be like out here?  A distant memory flitted through her mind of another time she'd broken the rules, the kind of rules that exist to keep people safe... Riley and herself, scared shitless, on the run from infected.  _I should know better.  I'll never drop my guard like this again!  Just please let that be nothing--_

Then a figure emerged from that shadow, stopping her dead in her tracks -- and the chill that  shot through her had nothing to do with the temperature.  This was worse than encountering infected.  It was a man -- with a shotgun pointed straight at her.  Bailey froze behind her.  Ellie couldn't see the man's face, but she could feel him leering at her.  She kept her arms crossed in front of her chest and cursed her own stupidity at being caught naked out here.

"I'll warm you up, baby girl," drawled the man.

Hearing him use Joel's pet name for her like that gave her the creeps.  Maybe the guy didn't mean any harm.  Lots of people had guns, and maybe the creep was just trying to see if she and Bailey were a threat to him.  She had to assume the worst, though. _THINK, Ellie -- what can you use as a weapon?_ The large stones at the water's edge, maybe.  She slowly started backing away from him, towards the water.  Bailey took a step forward as she moved backward, so that he stood between her and the man.  She hadn't intended to put him in that position; he couldn't see as well as Ellie, and he wouldn't know what to do.  Not that she fucking knew what to do herself... and  _holy shit_  there was another one!  A little further away, investigating their abandoned clothes.  He'd just switched on a flashlight.  _There goes my gun -- and my knife.  Fuck!_

"Don't move!" the first guy barked, advancing towards them slowly.  She wasn't anywhere near the closest rock.  Maybe they could make a run for it.  There were a lot of trees around to provide cover... not anything really close, though.  She and Bailey would have to move at exactly the same time or the guy would probably shoot Bailey.  Unless he was a terrible shot, he could probably shoot them both before they reached cover anyway, and how far could they actually get if they _did_ make it into the shadows?  The guy on the ground had a flashlight; it's not like they could really hide.  And he was about to get two more flashlights.  _Fuck fuck FUCK!  What should we do?_

"Yo, Tony!" the second guy called.  "Check out this sweet little blade!"  He shone the light on the switchblade to showcase it to his buddy.

"That was my mother's!"  Ellie blurted out angrily without thinking.  She knew they wouldn't give a shit.  She wanted to yell at them to leave their stuff alone, to leave _them_ alone... but that approach usually only got her into more trouble -- and she had nothing to threaten them with.  _Stay calm..._

"Oh yeah?  Aww, ain't that nice.  It's mine now."

 _"Ours_ ," the guy called Tony corrected him.

"You called dibs on the pistol!"

"Because I  _need_ one, dipshit.  You don't."

 _Okay, so if they're distracted by arguing with each other, maybe Bailey and I could both lunge for that shotgun..._ But before she could even attempt to mutter any such thing to Bailey, the other guy strolled over, brandishing a gun of his own: a pistol, one that wasn't hers.  She didn't see hers on the ground anywhere... could it possibly still be with her jeans, even though the guy had just extracted her switchblade from them?  Maybe Tony had called 'dibs' on it but didn't physically have it yet...

With the flashlight now directed right at them, Ellie suddenly couldn't see a thing.

"Don't be so shy, girl," the flashlight guy said.  "Quit hidin' behind your little boyfriend.  Give us a looksee."

Ellie didn't move.  She couldn't.

"Look, um..." Bailey sounded more nervous than she'd ever heard him.  "We don't want any, uh... any trouble... just... you can have all our stuff, there... _please_ just let us go."

Both of them seemed to find that amusing.  "That's not something we're in the habit of doing, boy," Tony snarled.  "Know why?  It's _dangerous_ to let people live.  Dead people don't follow you and kill you in your sleep."

"We-- we wouldn't!  We would go in the complete opposite direction of you guys and-- and n-never look back, honest to God we would," Bailey pleaded.  He sounded like he was about to cry.

Their laughter sickened Ellie.  These guys weren't just toying with them.  They really were going to kill her and Bailey, unless she could figure out how to stop them.

"Just let  _him_  go, then," Ellie heard herself say.

"Ell, shut up," Bailey hissed.

She ignored him.  "He's unarmed, he can't hurt you.  I'll... do whatever you want."  She shifted over a couple steps, enough that she could catch Bailey's eye, and give him what she hoped came across as a meaningful glance: _Go get help!_ She took his hand and squeezed it hard.  Watched a tear roll down his cheek.

"Mmm, I like the sound of that," the flashlight guy said.  "Thing is... you're gonna do that anyway."

Tony snickered.  "We haven't had any pussy in... shit, at least a month now."

Ellie swallowed the fear rising up inside her, let go of Bailey's hand, and slowly side-stepped away from him, as if to offer the men the view they’d requested -- and as she'd hoped, the flashlight followed her.  _Now he's not so blinded by the light, maybe he can slip away while I... do SOMEthing..._ She was afraid Bailey wouldn't leave her alone with these guys, but they _had_ to get help.  There was no way to communicate with him, not with the two men so close to them now.  She and Joel had fought through tough situations together so often that they could read each other, they didn't always need words... but, usually it was Ellie following Joel's lead.  Now _she_ was the leader.  Bailey was older than her, and physically stronger than her, but he had so little experience -- and they were at a serious disadvantage.

The flashlight guy whistled in that obscene way that perverts do.  "That last bitch wasn't anywhere near as pretty as you, neither." 

Ellie's instinct was to try to cover herself, but she willed her hands to stay at her sides.  She needed to distract the motherfuckers.  _Smile... thank him for saying you're pretty..._ She couldn't.  Her life -- and Bailey's -- may have depended on it, yet she couldn't flirt worth shit.  They'd never buy it, anyway... _THINK, Ellie!  Maybe if you could make them laugh, relax their guard some..._ Her own sense of humor had vanished, but she could appeal to their meanness, their macho we-can-do-anything sense of entitlement..."If you don't let him go, I'm not doing  _any_ thing with you," she scowled.

"Is that so?" Tony smirked.  They both seemed to find it funny, but it's not like they were roaring with laughter or anything potentially helpful like that.

_Not good enough.  Fuck!  THINK..._

"I like this one," Tony remarked to his friend.  "Maybe we should keep her around.  Case there's another dry spell.  We got any of that rope left?"

 _Please please please God or whoever's out there who can hear me, let Joel have woken up and found me gone and come looking for me and just be waiting for the right moment to shoot these guys--_ But if Joel were here, he would have shot them already.  She had no doubt.  _Please please please let him be on his way then, almost here, if I can just stall them for a while!_

"Think so.  Dude, are you ever gonna shoot him?  Be kinda mean to make him watch."

Then everything happened so fast -- Ellie saw Bailey lunge for the shotgun, so she hurled herself blindly at the other guy, hoping that if he wanted to fuck her badly enough, and wasn't a necrophiliac, he'd be hesitant to shoot her.  She heard Tony's shotgun go off, but didn't hear a cry of pain following it -- they were scuffling! -- meanwhile, the flashlight guy had dropped the flashlight to deal with her.  _What about the gun -- where's his pistol?!_ It wasn't in his other hand, which exploded across her face, stunning her momentarily.  He grabbed her, but she managed to knee him in the groin, and he released her.  The shotgun went off again, and she had to look -- the flashlight on the ground was shining on Tony, standing there with the gun, so the figure that staggered backward in the darkness, gasping and making the most awful gurgling sound she'd ever heard, had to be...

 _"Baileyyyyyyy!"_  Ellie screamed.  She tried to run to him, but Tony grabbed her from behind... she tried to hit and kick and bite and flail and wriggle her way free -- she had to get to Bailey and... _and what? Fuck fuck fuck, what can I even do for him?!_ Tony whirled her around, and then something knocked the wind out of her.  Several somethings in a row.

She was on the ground, her head and chest and ankle throbbing, and she didn't even remember falling.  _Did I black out for a second?_ When she tried to get up, she found she couldn't put any weight on her right ankle, and she stumbled.  She looked around for Bailey -- _there he is! --_ he lay in a heap, motionless.  _OH GOD THIS ISN'T HAPPENING THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING JOEL WHERE ARE YOU HELP ME SOMEONE HELP US--_ Her panicked thoughts took the form of more screaming, with a side of sobbing.  The _think, Ellie, think!_ part of her brain didn't seem to be functioning properly.  The assholes sounded fuzzy, like they were far away, but she knew they weren't.

_"Fuck -- make her shut up already!"_

_"No worries, she'll be quiet by the time you get her."_

When one of them grabbed her again, she came to her senses enough to reach up and try to poke him as hard as she could in the eyeball.  But he intercepted her hands, and in one smooth move, he twisted her left arm behind her back and slammed her back down to the ground.  Everything went white for a moment as the pain jolted through her.

Ellie managed to wrench her arm out from beneath her as he climbed on top of her, pinning her to the ground.  She struggled to free at least one of her limbs, but the guy -- Tony -- was too strong.  An image of David flashed through her mind as she realized what was about to happen -- only this time there was no knife for her to grab... even if there had been, both of her arms were pinned to her sides.  Her chest was surely about to cave in on itself.  There was only moonlight now (did the other guy leave?), and it lit Tony's face enough for her to see.  His eyes were dark and wild-looking, as was his hair, his beard... longer than Joel's... it was full and bushy.  She could smell his sour breath, and the stink of his unwashed body -- a smell that should have repulsed her, but she and Joel had smelled like that for so many months, it had an odd familiarity or coziness to it.  How fucked up it was to be reminded of that now.

All of her struggling was in vain.  She screamed again, and as he shifted his weight a little and lifted his free hand to slap her, she thought she may have had an opening, but her left hand wouldn't cooperate at all.

"Wait!  I'm infected!" she cried, wishing she'd thought to use this strategy earlier.  It had worked for her before.

"That's creative."  It didn't even give him pause.

"I am!  Look -- look at my arm--"

He smacked her again, harder, then laughed.  Ellie noticed one of his front teeth was missing -- like some pirate in a movie.  His smile was truly an evil thing to behold.  "Nothing you say is gonna stop me, you stupid cunt.  Just lie back and enjoy yourself."

The terror overwhelmed her when he forced her legs open.  In spite of what he'd just said, she found herself pathetically begging him to stop.  Nothing fazed him.  Breathing was really difficult and painful, but her voice was the only weapon available to her now.  She cried out for help as loudly as she could manage; it was more of a pitiful wail than an effective shout.

"Scream all you want, bitch, no one can fuckin' hear you."

She squeezed her eyes shut so she wouldn't have to see his face, but she'd caught enough of his expression that she still saw it with her eyes closed.  So she turned her head, away from the watchful moon (and from where she assumed Bailey would be… she didn’t want to think about why he was quiet now), and stared at a random star in the sky, waiting for it to be over.  She was strangely glad that a little pebble or something was being rhythmically ground into her lower back -- it hurt, but _it's just a stone that's all it is it'll be over soon it'll be over soon it's just a stone a star in the sky--_

After forever, he pulled away from her, and she folded in on herself, trembling all over.

_"You're up!"_

She hadn't even been laying there ten seconds when she heard a fly being unzipped.  That was the guy she'd kneed in the groin; apparently it hadn't rendered the equipment inoperable.  _I can't endure that again, I CAN'T_.  "Please... please don't..."  She made herself look at him beseechingly.  He too had longish hair and a big fuzzy beard.  He didn't really look evil, but it was hard to tell in the moonlight.  _Please let him realize I'm a person... a person who feels pain..._

He knelt in front of her.  "Sorry, darlin'.  Can't let him have _all_ the fun.  But it won't hurt bad.  I'm the nice one."  He sounded more amused than sorry.

"Then please just kill me first," she croaked out.

"Fuck that shit," he scoffed.  "That's disgusting.  What kind of sick fuck do you take me for?"

_"Pete -- I'm gonna go wash up some... piss in the lake."_

"Hey, why don't I just meet you down at the fork?"

Laughter.  _"Such a fucking pussy."_

"Fuck you.  We taking her with us?"

_"I don't think she can walk.  You wanna carry her?  'Cause I don't."_

"No."

_"Don't take too long.  I better hear a gunshot in less than ten."_

Ellie could hear Tony, but she didn't comprehend anything funny there, nor did she care to.  She felt the cool tip of a knife graze her cheek, not hard enough to break the skin.

"I like your knife," the guy told her.  Pete.  She'd heard his name.  His other hand, the one not holding a knife to her face, roved over her body, casually unfurling her, and she shuddered.  He wasn't even hurting her yet... but she was utterly repulsed, and full of dread.  She still couldn't breathe.  He was... _toying_ with her.  "Nice and quiet, now.  I don't get off on yelling and fighting and shit like Tony does.  You stay quiet and calm, and I won't cut you."  His voice was soft and kind.  Like he was talking to a young child.

Ellie didn't much care if he did cut her; she was already in a lot of pain, and if he was going to kill her anyway, what difference did it make?  But she had no screams left in her, so she was mostly quiet for round two.  The stone was gone.  She stared at another star and focused on the buzzing in her head.  _He's going to kill me when this is over, and I still fucking want it to be over.  This is it, this is how I die --  I'm not here I'm already dead this isn't happening to me no I'm not here not here not here up in the sky with the stars not here not here..._

He eventually pulled away from her, and whatever surreal place she'd been in vanished.  Her cheek was stinging anew.  She curled up into a ball and waited.  _These are the last moments of my life._ She never thought it would end like this, that she would be _stupid_ enough for it to end like this.  If all that afterlife bullshit was actually true, she'd be seeing her mother really soon... and Riley... and oh God, _Bailey_ \-- he was probably dead by now, too -- she couldn't even take that in. 

She shifted her thoughts to Joel.

Joel, who'd already lost one daughter.  Who had opened himself up to having another one, only to see her die, too, because she was a fucking idiot.  _I'm sooo sorry, Joel.  I'm so sorry.  Sorry, Joel... sorry... Joel..._

"Who's Joel?  That ain’t what you called that other motherfucker.  You got another boyfriend, you little skank?"

She hadn't realized she'd said anything out loud.  She may have been empty of screams, but the waterworks were intact; silent tears burned her stinging cheek on their way down her face.  Even her own tears were somehow hurting her.  She closed her eyes and kept waiting...

"Answer me.  Who's Joel?"

 _He's the only one who never left me._ "My dad," she said hoarsely, her voice breaking.  Now she was crying for the excruciating agony that she knew would consume Joel when he learned she was dead.  _Oh God I'm sorry Joel I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry..._

She heard Pete get up... heard a gun being cocked...

And she heard the gunshot.

It startled the hell out of her -- but she didn't feel where it had hit her.  How could she not... She was confused.  Why hadn't he blown her brains out?

Receding footsteps.  Was she alone now?

_I'm not dead.  Why am I not dead?_

He hadn't shot her, she realized.  He'd just... fired the gun and left.

For a moment, she was practically giddy with relief.  But only for a moment.

_Bailey -- where's Bailey?_

In a heap where he'd fallen.  She had to help him.  Ellie didn't even try to stand up.  She couldn't do anything with her right foot or left hand.  She sort of crawl-dragged her broken body over to where he lay on his side.  Not moving, not breathing. 

 _No no no no --_ she couldn't think about that.  She lifted his arm so she could curl up against him, letting it drape over her.  She tucked her head under his chin, where it fit perfectly.  The skin she pressed herself against was wet, sticky... from the water, she decided.  Because she could decide such things.  His arm felt cold, because he was naked and it was fucking freezing out here after being in the water.  He wasn't trembling vigorously like Ellie was, but that was because he could take the cold better than Ellie could.  He hadn't once complained about being cold all night.

 _He's sleeping_ , she told herself firmly.  _He needs rest to heal._   She wanted to sleep, too.  Maybe the pain wouldn't let her, but she wanted to.  She tried to empty her mind.  _Let's go to sleep now, sleep now, sleep.  When they come back and kill us, let's be asleep._


	4. Safety In Numbers

Ellie failed to fall asleep... and so far, no one had come back to kill them.

She was just any random girl, nestled in the arms of her boyfriend.  "I love you, Bailey," she whispered.

She remembered the first time he'd told her he loved her.  It was on one of their many walks through town.  He'd just kind of blurted it out.

_"Ellie -- I love you."_

_"What?  Er... okay..."_

_"You don't have to say anything.  I just wanted you to know."_

_"Me, too."_

_"You too... wanted to know?"_

_"No, I mean... ... ... ..."_

_"...you love me too?"_

_"Yeah.  That."_

_"Seriously, it's cool, I didn't say it just to get you to say it back--"_

_"But I do!"_

_"Oh, okay... um... that's awesome!"_

And they'd laughed at the awkwardness of it all.  Ellie had felt like he didn't quite believe her, though, so she'd attempted to explain:

_"I know I feel it... it's there... but for some reason, saying it in words is like... it's too private for that?  I dunno.  I can't explain it."_

_"Even if someone says it to you first?"_

_"Yeah.  Well, to be honest... no one's ever really... not in like, a real way, I mean?"_

_"Oh.  Ohhh I get it.  No wonder it feels weird to you.  I've actually never, uh... said it to a girl, before... but me and my mom, we say it to each other all the time.  It's like a habit.  Since you didn't have parents... it makes sense, I guess.  But you have a dad now... you and Joel don't...?"_

_"Joel?  Ha!  No, never.  But... I know he loves me, and I love him.  And I know he knows, and he knows I know.  We don't HAVE to say it."_

_"That's cool.  The knowing is the important part."_

_"Yeah, exactly.  Okay, so... I'm not weird?"_

_"About this?  I don't think so.  About other things... like talking to plants? Well..."_

She _had_ said it to Bailey, on occasion.  Usually in the form of a reply to _him_ saying it.  But he was right when he said that knowing it was more important than saying or hearing it, and neither of them said it all that much.

_Why am I telling him now?_

She was saying it to him, and he wasn't saying it back.

She wondered how she ever could have found moonlight romantic.  It was... eerie.  Unsettling.  Deceptive.  The ground felt cold and hard, and Ellie wasn't comfortable at all.  Her entire body ached.  There was no way to lessen the chest pain, which was familiar to her because she'd endured it after David, too.  Her rib cage was fucked up, so every breath she took delivered a stab of pain.  There was nothing she could do about it, nothing anyone would be able to do about it; she couldn't just stop breathing.

She started counting those stabs.  Breathe in... ( _one_ )... breathe out.  Breathe in... ( _two_ )... breathe out.

Occasionally, her mind wandered, threatening to latch on to more horrible things, like the nature of her other pain... the lifeless (no, _sleeping_ ) body shielding her from the world... the look on Joel's face if he were to see her like this... the thought that she should make herself do something other than what she was doing, like find a place to hide, or start crawling home.  Get dressed, even, if they'd left her clothes nearby.  She didn't want to do or think about any of it.  She just wanted Bailey to magically wake up... wished she could go back a few hours to re-do them, to tell Bailey she'd changed her mind, that this was the dumbest idea she'd ever had and she'd just see him tomorrow instead.  That's what she wanted.  _Lost count, start over!  One... two... three..._

She made it up to two hundred twenty-eight without losing track when a flashlight beam washed over her.  _They came back._

Before she could even process the possibility, she realized it wasn't them.  The male voice that said _"holy shit"_ was not one of theirs; she would recognize theirs immediately, she was sure.  He was approaching way too fast.  "Get the fuck away from us!" she warned him.  As if she could do anything about it if he didn't.

He stopped.  She hoped it was someone from Jackson.  She couldn't see him, not with his blinding light on her. 

_"Ellie?  Oh my God..."_

His voice sounded familiar, but she couldn't place it.  She thought he might have told her his name, but his voice sounded very far away and she couldn't make out all the words over the buzzing in her brain.  From the scraps she did hear, she gathered that those on watch had heard the gunshots.  She could hear the inflections of his voice, indicating questions.  She didn't care what he was saying or asking; someone had found her -- someone who wasn't going to kill her -- and now she didn't have to figure out how the fuck to get home.  Other people would decide what to do next.  It occurred to her that they were going to ask her things -- awful questions that would make her say awful things -- and they would take her away from Bailey.  _No -- I'm going to lay here with him forever, and fucking COUNT until all the pain goes away and I fall asleep._

The light disappeared.  The voice... it was still there, fading in and out.

She only made it up to fourteen before the light returned, and some clothes -- her clothes?  -- were laid on top of her, making her flinch and lose count.  _That's better, we'll get warmed up now, this is nice..._

The familiar voice asked another question she didn't hear.

"They shot him," she stated matter-of-factly, as if she'd just been asked what happened.  "They shot him.  He's asleep now.  Ssshh."

There were more questions, but she kept telling herself (out loud) 'he's asleep,' so she wouldn't have to hear them.  Part of her knew she sounded like a crazy person, but the crazy part didn't care.  _If I say he's sleeping, he's sleeping, damnit._

The light retreated again.  Completely, this time.

 _He left us!_ She didn't want him to leave -- what if those men came back?

She couldn't think about that.  She didn't even want to _care_ about that.  She had to count.

 _Four hundred forty-five._ A voice broke her concentration.  It was the same man from before... but there were multiple voices now.  Lots of lights, their beams zigzagging all over the place.  A woman's voice... _Maria_.  She understood Maria's words... she was telling Ellie that she was going to wrap a blanket around her, asking her if she could sit up.  Ellie responded by burying her face in Bailey's chest... it wasn't wet anymore.  She knew Maria was there, but she couldn't see her that well in the darkness.  Maria was kneeling next to her, with a broad stripe of light from another flashlight on the ground hitting her lower half. Then Ellie felt Bailey's arm being lifted off of her, and she had to turn her head.  "No, don't!  Leave it... leave it like that!  Don't touch him!" 

The arm fell back into place.

Ellie heard angry male voices... angry, but not threatening, because Ellie recognized them -- it was Joel and Tommy.  Arguing.

 _Joel..._ she wanted to see him, and also did _not_ want to see him.  Or, rather, she didn't want him to see _her_.  Like this.  Had he already seen?  The shame of it, of allowing this to happen... it welled up inside her with surprising force.

Ellie permitted Maria to exchange the clothes draped over her for the blanket, but she wouldn't sit up, and she resisted Maria's attempts to pull her away from Bailey.  Fortunately, Maria gave up after a few protests, and didn't use force.  She was asking Ellie those questions, though... did she get shot, is she bleeding anywhere, what hurts, what happened... Ellie relegated Maria's voice to the incomprehensible status of the guard's.  _Just let me go to sleep_ , she repeated in her head to help muffle the noise.  _Stay with me, but don't make me explain..._  

She couldn't tune out the loud _"Tommy!"_ that Maria yelled, though.

Then it was Tommy yelling, calling Ellie's name, trying to get her attention.  Bailey's arm was lifted off of her.  "No!  Leave it!" she insisted.

"Ellie, we've gotta get you home.  Can you sit up?"  He was trying to help her...

"No!  Don't!"  She tried to shrug off his hand on her shoulder, but it wasn't good enough to get him to back off completely.  She had to roll away from Bailey to free her right hand enough to push Tommy away, since the left one was all gimpy.  "I'm staying here with him -- leave us alone!"

"You need help," Tommy said firmly.  "Where were you shot?  Where'd the bullet go in?"

 _All the blood..._ she realized how it must look.  "It's not mine!  It's Bailey's... they shot him."  Most of the blood had dried by then, or seeped into the ground.  She pulled the blanket back up over her shoulder and snuggled up to Bailey again.

"You're hurt, though.  We still have to get you back Inside.  You can't stay here.  I'm sorry, sweetheart."

 _Maybe they can help him!_   Some part of her knew they couldn't, and yet... "Tommy, help _him_ , not me... help Bailey, he can't die!  Do something!"

"I will if you'll let Maria help you up."

Ellie didn't resist this time when Maria put her arms around her.  There was a light shining on Bailey now... Tommy's flashlight.  Bailey's eyes were open, those gorgeous blue eyes she loved... he didn't look like he was sleeping.  He looked... _no_. 

"Help him," Ellie pleaded softly.  Maria didn't try to get her to stand, she just gently tugged Ellie away from Bailey and into her arms, wrapping the blanket more snugly around her.  "Help him... help him," Ellie chanted, more to herself than to Tommy.

Tommy was examining Bailey, but not _doing_ anything.  At least not anything helpful.  He closed Bailey's eyes.  _Tommy knows it, too... that he's not sleeping._ Then Tommy knelt in front of her.  "I'm so sorry.  We got here too late."  He started asking her about what happened, and she made his voice go fuzzy, drowning it out with her mental stab-breath counting.

It got dark again when Tommy and the flashlight went away; Maria must have switched hers off.  "Where's Joel?" Ellie asked her.  She wasn't sure what to think about him not rushing right up to her to see if she was hurt.  "I heard his voice, I know he was here..."

"He's... nearby.  He'll be here soon.  We have to wait a little bit.  Just... relax."  Maria held her gingerly, like she was afraid of breaking her.  Maybe because Ellie hadn't told her it hurt _everywhere,_ so it didn't much matter what she did. 

Ellie pulled away; she didn't need assistance to sit.  The blanket was warm, but Ellie still wanted to be on the ground next to Bailey... who wasn't asleep... _Don't go there._ "He was here, and he left?  Without..."  _Why didn't he want to see me, talk to me?!_

"He was right behind me... him'n'Tommy started fighting, you know how those two get into it," Maria said lightly.  "He was kind of riled up.  But he saw you.  He made sure you were okay."

Ellie wondered how he could possibly assess that from so far away -- and she _wasn't_ okay.

An owl or some such creature in the trees nearby made a sudden noise that spooked Ellie and distracted her from the Joel questions.  "You have your gun?" she asked Maria.

"Of course.  Don't worry."

 _Of course._   Because what kind of fucking idiot would come out here without one?  Or, worse -- bring one, and then just leave it on the ground to get stolen.  _I'll never forgive myself for this.  I have to live with it for the rest of my life._

"We snuck out," she confessed.  "Through a hole in the south fence behind that junkyard house.  Someone should put the panels back... we were gonna fix them..."

"I'll make sure it gets fixed," said Maria.

"I wanted to go swimming.  I thought... I thought that..." Ellie blinked back tears.

"So what happened?" Maria prompted gently.

 _"I'll warm you up, baby girl..."_  

Ellie shuddered.  _He's not here_ , she reminded herself.  "I can't," she said shakily.  "I can't.  I can't."

Maria put her arm around Ellie's shoulders.  "Okay, sshhh don't get upset, you can tell us later."

Ellie couldn't even let herself _think_.  The guilt alone was overwhelming.

 _One hundred seventy-two_. 

A flashlight in her face jarred her; Tommy was back.

"Ellie, can you stand up?  Let me help you."  He held out his hand.

"Why?"

"We're goin' back to town.  I'll help you walk if you need me to, or I can carry you -- we jus' gotta make it to the horses, over there..."

"Horses?"  Ellie wondered just how many people had been roused from slumber because of her.

"Yep, Garrett an' Jen brought 'em.  They're gonna walk back.  Come on..." Now he was trying to lift her.

Ellie felt strangely panicky at the thought of leaving, though, and she wouldn't budge.  "No!  Bailey--"

"He's comin' with us.  Ben's gonna bring him back."

Ben.  That was the guard whose name she couldn't remember.  "What about Joel -- where's Joel!"

A pause.

"Where is he?!  _Joel!_ "

"Sweetheart, he's..."

"Why don't you go find him," Maria suggested to Tommy.  "She needs him.  Did you see which way he went?  He's okay," she assured Ellie.

Ellie wasn't reassured.  "Is he..." _...looking for those monsters?!_

"He's tryin' to track down the group that did this," Tommy answered.

"Not a group -- just two.  They'll shoot him!"

"No, they won't.  He'll be careful."

 _Bullshit!_ Skilled though he was at killing assholes, Ellie could imagine how pissed off Joel was, and she was afraid the anger would override any sense of caution or patience.  She used to think Joel was invincible -- until Colorado.  She still regarded him with a fair amount of hero worship... _but heroes get killed, too._   And she wasn't there to help him.

Tommy left.  Ellie could hear him calling Joel's name.  She felt the panic swelling inside her.  She'd already gotten Bailey killed, and now... _oh my God I can't stand it!_ She could _not_ lose Joel.  The tears came back.  She hated crying in front of other people.  It was ingrained in her that crying was a solitary activity, a weakness that must be concealed.

Maria squeezed her shoulder and Ellie leaned against her, trying to stop the fucking tears.  Maria was saying _"it's okay,"_ because that's what you're supposed to tell someone who's crying, even when it's obviously not okay.

Ellie called her on it.  "It's _not_ okay.  It's never going to be okay.  This is all my fault.  I... I made Bailey come out here with me and... and... oh God, Joel... I can't-- _Joooeelllll!_ " she wailed, dissolving into outright sobbing that she just couldn't stop.

"Ellie, listen to me!  Joel's going to be fine, he's not far away -- Tommy will find him, don't worry.  Calm down.  Okay?"  Maria patted Ellie's hair, her arm... Ellie knew she was trying to comfort her, but it was no use.  Only the knowledge that Joel was alive would be able to do that. 

Her sobs eventually petered out.  Some rustling noises in the darkness made her turn her head.  Someone -- she assumed it was that Ben guy -- was doing something to Bailey.  "What -- what are you doing?  Don't touch him!" she sputtered.

"Ben's just putting his clothes on," Maria explained.

Putting his clothes on... _dead people don't need clothes, so..._   "Is he gonna be okay?" she asked.

Maria didn't answer her.  Ellie didn't need her to; it was a stupid question.  Instead, Maria asked her if she wanted to get dressed, too.

The blanket was good enough for Ellie... except she didn't want Joel to see all the blood and bruises on her flesh when it was eventually taken away by whoever would be checking out her injuries.  She wasn't sure how closely Joel would examine her, if she stayed naked... then she wondered how much blood and stuff he'd already seen when he was there before...

"Ellie?" Maria nudged her; she must have been taking too long to answer (and she wasn't even counting breaths this time).  "We should probably dress you, on account of your..." 

Ellie understood she was indicating her bitten arm.  Her 'little secret.'  "Okay."

"We'll have to hide that.  Keep your shirt on at the clinic."

With Maria's help, Ellie managed to get all of her clothes on, except on her right foot.  That was too painful to even try to pull a sock over.  Maria said it looked swollen.  She tried to ask Ellie about her injuries, but Ellie just said, "I can't," and Maria dropped it.  Even though the blanket wasn't really necessary now, she wrapped it around Ellie and helped her sit down again. 

"I just wanna go home," Ellie told her.

"You will.  After you see the doctor.  He'll be waiting for us."

"Tell him to go back to bed.  I don't want to see him.  There's nothing he can do anyway."

"There's plenty he can do.  Something's wrong with your hand... your ankle... and it's not bleeding now, but still, you might need stitches on that cut..."

"I don't need stitches."  Ellie didn't even know what cut she was referring to, so obviously it couldn't be that bad.  Sometimes things looked just awful that didn't even hurt at all... it was the invisible shit that really fucked you up.  "I don't care about any of that.  I still wanna go home."

"But if he can help--"

"I don't care!  I just wanna see Joel, and go home."

"I think Joel will want you to get fixed up first."

She was probably right.  Ellie couldn't see herself very well in the moonlight, but she could imagine how the flashlights had spotlighted her brokenness for everyone else to gawk at.  Would he listen to her pleas to just take her straight home?  Maybe he would.  He'd only observed her from a safe distance; he couldn't have been all that worried about her.

Of course, Tommy had to find him first.  And he had to be... _don't think about that,_ she commanded herself.  Her skill level of not-thinking was improving.

Ellie stared at... _not the stars, that's ruined now..._ she looked at Maria's knee.  In the darkness, it was barely better than closing her eyes as far as seeing those two in her mind... _no_...

 _Eighty-one._  

She lost count when she heard Joel's voice, calling her name as he trotted towards her.  _Joel!!!_ She wasn't feeling much of anything other than a shitload of pain -- dull pain for the most part, if she stayed still -- but relief flooded through her all the same.  He'd switched his light off when he got close to them, so she only saw what the silvery light of the moon allowed her to see.  She didn't need to be able to read his expression to know he was angry, though. 

He was kneeling before her... he didn't touch her.  Didn't try to pull her into his arms or anything.  _But he’s alive, and real, and here with me finally!_ He was asking her the awful questions... questions she couldn't seem to tune out this time, maybe because it was Joel doing the asking?  And he was irritated with her for not answering them.  Of course, he'd be downright angry with her when she told him how her stupidity had led to this.  How it wasn't an accident that they were naked... that it wasn't the assholes who'd done that part.  _How can I tell him I fucked up so bad?_ Maybe she'd just let Maria fill him in.

Joel's questions ran more along the lines of _"who did this?"_  rather than " _what happened?_."  He wanted to know in detail what they looked like, where they came from and where they were going, anything she could tell him about them that might help track them down.

She tried not to, but once again she was crying.  At least the tears were quiet this time.  Even though she couldn't see Joel very well in the moonlight, she couldn't look at him.

"Ellie, I know it's hard, but you gotta tell us this shit," Joel growled. 

"Give it a rest, Joel," said Tommy.  He sounded angry, too.  "We need to get her to the clinic." 

"We also need to _find_ these motherfuckers," Joel snarled back.  "And every minute we waste, they jus' get further away!"

"Do you really think--" Tommy paused.  "Let's talk over here.  Come on."  He tugged on Joel's arm.

"That's jus' wastin' even more time!"  But Joel did follow his brother, far enough away that Ellie would have to strain to hear. 

 _What don't they want me to know?_ She couldn't really hear Tommy, but she could pick out some of Joel's words.  It seemed he wanted to go hunt down the two men, without waiting for daylight to assist them in detecting any kind of tracking marks, and Tommy didn't want him to.  Ellie didn't want him to, either.  "Joel!" she yelled.  Her voice was loud enough now to carry to him.  "Joel, come here!"

He crouched in front of her again.  "What can you tell me?"

"Stay with me," she said, still staring at the ground rather than at him.  " _Please_ , Joel."

"I have to _kill_ them, Ellie.  You understand?  I can't let them..."

 _Get away with it?_ she finished for him.  _They already have._ "But I..."  Her voice caught in her throat.

"You what?" Joel prompted impatiently.

"Don't go.  I couldn't stand it."  She swallowed hard and forced herself to look at him (and found that he _was_ looking at her now).  "I... need you here.  With me.  Please."  The 'need' tasted strange on her tongue; it had been surprisingly difficult to say.  Her needs didn't usually conflict so completely with Joel's.  Of course he needed to run after them, however blindly... he was furious, and hanging out with her wouldn't give him an outlet for that rage.  It would be like caging a wild animal.  But she didn't care; she really couldn't stand the thought of him leaving her.  _And surely a wild animal would be safer in a cage than out in the wild..._

He looked away, sighing.  "Ellie..."

He was wavering; she could feel it.  She took his hand in hers and squeezed it.  "I'll tell you whatever you wanna know... later.  Please?"

It was another long, tense moment before he spoke again.  "All right," he said, his voice only a shade softer than it had been.  He pulled her into his arms then and she clung to him as best she could, her arms around his neck.  He was so stiff, so tense, so... not the way he usually was when she hugged him.  But he was _there_ , and just a little while ago she'd thought she would never see him again.  She didn't want him to ever know what she'd done.

This fit her pattern perfectly -- find someone who cares, do something to fuck it up, then watch them walk away.  No one had ever cared as much as Joel did, though... which would make it all the more painful when he left.  And she'd never fucked up this badly -- not even with Riley, at the end.  She had only been a child back then, relatively innocent.  She wasn't innocent anymore, hadn't been for a long time... she was fully accountable now, and she didn't know how she would be able to stand it.

She sniffled into Joel's shirt.  She didn't want to cry yet again... but if it kept Joel there with her, it was worth it, so this time, she didn't fight the tears so much.  And they did seem to make him hold her tighter, if nothing else.  One of his hands tangled itself in her matted hair.  She hugged him as fiercely as she could, ignoring the extra pain in her chest as she did.  If she couldn’t rewind time the way she rewound her cassettes, she wished she could hit the pause button and freeze it here instead.  Not because it was a perfect moment, but because she had the awful feeling that things would only get worse.  _He still loves me.  For now, at least, he still loves me._

"I'm sorry, baby girl," he whispered into her hair.

She wondered what he was apologizing for.  _I'm the one who's sorry_... but the words stuck in her throat.


	5. The Prisoner

Pre-Cordyceps, people used to swallow pills that magically relieved their pain.  It was like a normal, everyday thing: have a headache? pop a pill.  Ellie remembered being given some chewable pills as a child, but only when she was sick with the flu or something, not for ordinary aches and pains.  Thanks to some town drama related to these types of pills, the only pain relief doled out in Jackson these days was all-out, knock-you-on-your-ass shit (acquired mostly in trade), or the locally-grown marijuana, of which there was abundant supply.  The hardcore drugs were scarce, and thus, restricted to emergencies only -- like primitive surgical procedures.  In the old world, Ellie would have had fancy pictures taken of her fractured wrist (somehow on the inside of it), the option of surgical repair evaluated.  Now, the doctor slapped a cast on and hoped for the best, and sent her home with some pot, to be smoked or ingested in food.  Her ankle was only sprained, though without one of those pictures, it was impossible to say what 'grade' of sprain it was; the doc's guess was 'moderate.'  The cut on her face that she didn't even remember getting didn't need stitches.  Some of her ribs were either bruised or broken.  It didn't matter which, the treatment was the same: nothing.  Nothing but time, the alleged great healer.

She was given a crutch to help her walk, but Joel carried her home from the clinic, with Maria in tow.  Tommy was off dealing with something else... something Ellie didn't really want to know (because she suspected it might have to do with Bailey not actually being asleep).  Ellie just wanted to go to sleep and wake up to find that this whole night was only a terribly vivid nightmare.  She didn't want anyone fussing over her, or cooking marijuana for her, or interrogating her, or doing anything with her other than staying in the house so she would know she wasn't alone.  Even when they weren't asking her questions, the way they looked at her... it was like their broken hearts were shining right through their eyes.

Maria offered to help her bathe; the cast wasn't supposed to get wet, and they thought she might have some difficulty, given how banged up she was.  Ellie didn't want to bother with bathing anyway.  It wasn't like washing would make her _clean_.  She did allow Maria to dress her in the sleepwear she'd so gleefully shed hours before: a tank top and sweat shorts.  Sat there like an Ellie doll.  _A broken one... one that should be discarded._   An endless string of days flashed through Ellie's mind, days of getting up and going through the ritual of pointlessly putting on clothes, followed by nights of removing them.  Over and over.  How absurd it was.

When Maria left, Joel brought Ellie a glass of water and a washrag full of ice, which would help reduce pain and swelling.  They were both quiet.  He sat next to her on her bed with her feet in his lap and applied the ice rag to her wrapped ankle.  She was lucky he wasn't angry enough with her to say, _"You know what?  After what you did, you're on your own."_   His actions told her he still cared. 

Maybe it just hadn't completely registered yet.

Ellie had tuned out most of Dr. Choi's voice, including some argument he'd had with Joel... something to do with how thoroughly she needed to be examined.  She'd heard Joel use the term 'DNA,' and remembered what he'd told her about how they could catch criminals in the old world by testing it and somehow matching it to them.  It sounded like science fiction to Ellie.  Even if someone -- the Fireflies, maybe? -- had a lab where they could process DNA samples, there was nothing to match it against anymore.  Since there'd be no DNA to collect, she didn't need to be put through an invasive examination. 

Still, she'd been at the clinic for a long time, thanks to her wrist.  She allowed the doctor to cast it, and to wrap her ankle, but balked at the rest of her being cleaned up at all, even by an antsy Joel or Maria.  Ellie had fuzzed it all away, counting to herself, doing her best to not 'be' there, figuring Joel would pay attention to what needed to be done... and even if he missed something, she found that she didn't much care.  She didn't want him catering to her like some invalid, though; she'd have to get him to repeat all the doctor's instructions.  _Tomorrow.  I'll try to care more tomorrow._

Ellie could feel him not-looking at her.  That was fine -- she was not-looking at him, too.  She sipped her water and glanced at the window.  The fucking window she'd been staring at the last time she'd been in this room... where Bailey had popped up.  He wouldn't be doing that anymore.  The screen was on the floor where she'd left it.  The moon was gone from view, too, having journeyed across the night sky, and the dark was already beginning to give way to cold gray light.

Even though he wasn't saying anything, Ellie sensed that Joel was resisting the urge to yell at her, and struggling to find the right thing to say to her.  Like there _was_ any such thing.  She wanted to tell him not to bother.  That she didn't know what to say to him either... that however angry he was with her, she was even angrier with herself... that of all the painful thoughts bouncing around in her head, the only ones that hurt in a good way were about him -- that in the end, she _hadn't_ broken him by getting herself killed... and the relief she'd felt that after being grief-stricken with the knowledge that she'd never see him again, there he was.

But Ellie said nothing.

Joel was the one who finally spoke.  "Do you want me to sleep in here next to you?  On the floor?"

She hesitated, then shook her head.  She'd taken comfort in him sleeping nearby, all those months on the road together.  She knew no harm would come to her with him watching over her.  Even after she was safe, it had taken a little getting used to, having separate rooms.  More than once she'd gotten spooked by something in the night, or had a nightmare, and crawled into his bed, which wasn't really big enough for the two of them.  But that hadn't happened in a while now.  As long as she knew he was right there across the hall from her, it was just as good as being next to him, really, and she was able to sleep.

Given that she couldn't keep her eyes closed without some horrible image plaguing her, Ellie doubted she'd fall asleep anyway.  No sense making Joel suffer for it.  And if she wanted to cry... she couldn't really do that with Joel on the floor next to her.  She knew she _could_ cry in front of him -- she'd done it before and had done so again tonight -- but she'd feel embarrassed, and try to stifle it, and it would be awkward for him, and maybe wake him up, and! -at least one of them should get some fucking sleep.

... _would_ he get some sleep?  Ellie imagined him tossing and turning... imagined him ultimately deciding to go hunting again.  "You're going to stay here, right?" she asked.  "In the house?"

"Yes."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

He refilled her water glass and left it on her nightstand, then helped her get settled in bed with her ankle and arm both elevated, one on a pillow and the other on several towels, since they'd left the blanket at the clinic.  "You need anythin'?" he asked the floor.

She needed lots of things.  "No... isn't this your pillow?"

"I don' need it."

It was such a simple thing, yet it bothered her.  "Just get me my backpack, I'll use that."

"It's all right."

"No it's not.  I don't want you to-- to--" _And THAT's what's going to make me cry now?  Seriously?_

He looked up from the floor and she quickly turned her head towards the wall.  "Hey," he said, his voice gentler than she'd heard it all night.  "I'll get an extra one tomorrow, kiddo.  Don' worry about it.  All right?"

She nodded and bit her lip, which somehow signaled the tears to remain in her eyes instead of spilling over to her cheeks.  She stared at the wall, not sure why she was so reluctant to look at Joel... what she was afraid she'd see.  Maybe she was just too fucking ashamed.

He still wasn't really looking at her, either, but she thought she saw him sneak a look out of the corner of his eye... and then his voice hardened.  "I'll leave your door open a little, an' mine open a little, an' that way if you need anythin' you jus' holler an' I'll hear you."

She nodded again.  _I'm sorry, Joel, I'm a piece of shit and you don't deserve this._

He took her good hand and squeezed it.  After a long moment where he again seemed to be searching for the right thing to say, he simply said, "Good night, baby girl."

"'Night," she told the wall.

He went over to the window and locked it before exiting the room, leaving her door ajar.  Ellie wished she'd forgotten to close her door earlier that night, or accidentally banged something on the windowsill as she climbed out, or kept Joel up too late by having him sing to the fucking plants and then maybe he wouldn't have gone to bed in time... any number of things that could have alerted him to her stupidity and stopped it.  If only wishing could transport her back in time!

Ellie was exhausted, but sleep eluded her anyway.  She was too sore, and her brain wouldn't shut off -- or at least, the nerve endings delivering their pain messages to her brain (as if it still needed to get the fucking message) wouldn't.  And the emotions she was trying to keep in check threatened to break through that at times... to let her feel them... _Can't have that._   She'd take the physical pain over that.

She stared at the stupid fucking window again, telling herself she was still waiting for Bailey's head to appear in it, silhouetted in the moonlight (cowlick and all).  The moonlight was gone, but she could pretend... she managed to believe it with enough comfort to doze off, more than once, but the painful throbbing of one body part or another inevitably snapped her back before long, and then she had to convince herself again.

As the day dawned, bright and clear, so did reality -- _Bailey's not coming, and I'll never see him again_.  There was nothing she could do about it.  No matter what she did from this point on, he would continue to not exist, to be just a memory.  She thought of this as one might contemplate a movie they'd just seen or a story they'd heard.  It didn't seem like a real... _thing_.  What was real was the _physical_ aching in her chest, from the injured ribs.  The way her whole face throbbed.  The soreness that wracked her from the inside out.

The sunrise was probably beautiful.  But Ellie wanted no part of it... of beauty.

"Ellie."

Joel stood in the doorway.  Some time had passed, but she had no idea how much.  She continued staring at the window.

"May I come in?"

She nodded.

He perched on the end of her bed, and she could tell he was looking at the floor, or... somewhere else rather than at her, again.  Before he could ask how she was feeling or start saying awkward things, she asked, "Can you board up this window?"

"What?"

She directed her own gaze from the window to the floor.  "I don't ever want to look out of it again."  _There's nothing good out there._

"Ellie..."

"Please, can you?"

"How 'bout I get you some decent curtains--"

" _No._   Boards.  Completely covered, like you can't even tell there's a window there behind them.  No light coming in at all.  Not even a tiny bit."

Joel hesitated, then said, "Yes, if that's what you want, of course I can.  It'll make it awfully dark in here, though."

"That's okay."  _On second thought..._ "Could you get me a night light?  The kind little kids have?"

"Sure.  I'll do that when Maria comes back... she's gonna help you get cleaned up an' dressed."

Ellie didn't want Maria there.  Nothing personal, just... "I can do that stuff myself."

"You can't get that cast wet--"

"I can still do it myself."

"I reckon you can, but it'll be a hell of a lot easier with someone helpin' you."

"I don't _care_ if it's easy."

"I'll help you, if you want.  Jus' thought you might feel..."

"I don't want any help."  The thought of soaking in a scalding hot bath forever did appeal to her now, enough to make her sit up.  "You don't have to wait, you can go get the window stuff now.  I'll be fine."

"I ain't leavin' you alone.  If you wanna do it by yourself, that's fine, but someone still needs to be in the house with you.  What if you fall or somethin'--"

"Pfff.  I'm not gonna fall.  Even if I did, I'd get up.  I'm not some fragile old lady, Joel."

"But still."

"I'll lock the door."  The lock on the bathroom door actually worked.  They just never used it.  She thought it might make Joel feel more inclined to leave her alone in the house, if she was ‘safely’ behind a locked door.  "And I won't sneak out again.  Ever.  Believe me."

Finally, it was on the tip of his tongue -- yelling, or scolding, maybe a _"why the hell did you in the first place?"_... Ellie imagined it was something along those lines.  Instead, he swallowed it and sighed.  "That's _not_ why I don' wanna leave you alone."

"Okay, whatever.  I'm gonna take a long hot bath."  Ellie chanced a look at him (and nope, he still wasn't looking at her).  She could see a vein pulse in his temple that she'd never noticed before... or maybe she just hadn't seen it in ages?  She would guess he hadn't gotten any real sleep, either.

"Don' lock the door," he told her.  "In case you need help."

If Ellie needed help of any kind, she would feel more comfortable leaning on Joel than Maria... if it wasn't for the being naked part, at least.  Although he'd probably seen her naked last night anyway.  Hadn't everyone?  At least half a dozen people.  _..."You little skank"..._ She wasn't sure who had seen what.  None of it fucking mattered.

She did lean on him, literally, to get to the bathroom without having to hop or use that crutch.  Once inside, the bathroom was small enough that she didn't have much space to navigate, so she could manage easily enough.  Joel left a change of clothes for her on the counter, and offered one last time to help her before Ellie shooed him away.

The reflection she saw in the smudgy mirror was hideous.  _No wonder Joel can't look at me!_   The left side of her face was swollen and red... she suspected it would be purple soon.  Blood and dirt caked on various parts of her.  A jagged, bright red gash along her cheekbone... a superficial wound, but it uglified her even more.  Welts and bruises all over her arms.  She was one grotesque sight.  Ugly as an infected motherfucker.  _Plenty on this body to be ashamed of now_ , she thought in response to Bailey's comment the night before.  She started to splash water on her face haphazardly with her good hand, then decided to just wait and do it in the bath.

Ellie drew the bath so hot that the water turned her white skin red, except for her left arm and right foot.  The arm was cast up all the way past her elbow (she assumed it was for some reason she hadn't listened to) and she had to balance it on the side of the tub.  Her right foot, which Joel said she wasn't supposed to immerse in hot water until the swelling went down, she propped up on the tub's edge, leaving it wrapped.  The bath was hotter than she could stand -- and that's exactly how she wanted it.

She _did_ stand it.  The position she had to sit in to accommodate her stupid arm caused as much discomfort as the water.  After a couple minutes, she adjusted to the temperature... like she and Bailey had gotten used to the cold water last night.  She knew some of the blood dissipating into the water was Bailey's, and the unreal suddenly turned real again.  It hit her like a physical blow, and she allowed herself to cry for him, briefly and quietly; better to cry in here than in front of Joel or anyone else, if she could help it.  Crying hurt her ribs more than breathing did.  She tried to focus on the mechanics of the act rather than the reason for it, and the tears stopped. 

Either she'd gotten so accustomed to the heat, or the water cooled with the passage of enough time, that soon the temperature downgraded to 'regular' hot, although still hot enough to make her forehead sweat.  _I'm probably supposed to think this is a life lesson or some shit.  I think I can't stand it, but I can?  It will get better if I just wait?  Pfffff._

On the edge of the tub next to the wall, opposite of where her arm was resting, a little green rubber duckie looked at her.  It sported a pattern of cheerful yellow stars and a happy face.  She leaned forward and knocked it into the water so she could watch it bob about, amidst all the blood and dirt, its sunny expression never wavering.

Joel had acquired it for her a few months after they'd arrived in Jackson.  After a casual conversation one day about bath time as a child, in which Joel had asked Ellie if she'd ever had a rubber duck.  Her answer of 'no' was sad to him.  It was one of those things that he viewed as tragic that seemed like no big deal at all to Ellie.  She hadn't even realized it was a staple of childhood in the old world -- at least, where Joel had grown up.  He wouldn't tell her where this one had come from (and she had to wonder if he'd stolen it from some child's bathroom).

_"Um, Joel, it's nice and all, but... you know I'm not a five-year-old, right?"_

_"Ha.  You don' have to be.  Grown women used to take baths with these things, too."_

_"Bullshit!"_

_"It's true."_

_"Okay... WHY?"_

_"I dunno... 'cause they think they're cute?"_

_"Anyways, I take showers, not baths."_

_"Well, you'll have to take a bath every once in a while, then."_

_"What do I do with it?"_

_"What do you mean?  Jus' put it in the water."_

_"And play with it?"_

_"Jus' let it swim around."_

_"It's not real, it can't SWIM."_

_"Look, if you really don' want it, I'll--"_

_"No!  I do, I do.  It's... cute.  I'll try it out."_

Ellie tried to remember the last time she'd bathed with it.  It had only been like two or three weeks ago, but she couldn't recall what that last bath had felt like, what she'd thought about...

The duck didn't belong in that filthy water. _Her_ filth.  She plucked it out of the bath and tossed it into the corner.

She did her little counting trick until her mind went spacey enough that she didn't need to.  Every so often she heard Maria or Joel at the door, asking if she was okay.  _No--_ but she always said yes to make them go away.

Yet they always came back.

_"Ellie -- you sure you're all right in there?"_

It was Joel.  "Yes, the water feels good!" she hollered back.  The water was only tepid by then, and she felt far from 'good,' but it was something she would have to lie about from now on, she realized.

_"Do you still want me to board up that window?"_

"Yes!  Please."

A few minutes later, she heard the hammering.  _Who do I think I am, asking him to do that?_   Like she had any right... how could she even want anything at all, after... _because I'm still a selfish asshole, that's how._

When the water turned cold, Ellie decided it was time to get out; being cold would only remind her of more things she couldn't stand to think about.  She declined offers of help to get dressed.  It wasn't like she was in a hurry.  There would be nothing to hurry for, ever again.  The rubber duck lay on its side in the corner; it didn't belong there, either.  Ellie rinsed it off in the sink, dried it on her towel, and found a new home for it in the corner of the cabinet underneath the sink.  "Bye," she whispered to it, not even bothering to feel a bit silly for speaking to a bath toy.

The crutch was leaning against the wall next to the bathroom door, where Joel had said it would be, and she wasn't going to bother with the sling just to go down the hall.  She hobbled into her bedroom, which was dark as night with the window boarded.  Joel had done it exactly as she’d wanted, all the boards perfectly aligned so as not to allow any slivers of light… and in two layers, one vertical and one horizontal.  There was enough light to see by with the door open, the natural light spilling in from the hall.  She'd barely eased herself onto the bed when Joel came in.

"You look better.  You feel any better?"

"Yeah."  _Be the Ellie doll, say the appropriate, pre-recorded words..._

"You want help out to the couch?"

Ellie shook her head.  She didn't belong out there.  “Thanks for doing the window.”

“No problem.”  Joel sat beside her on the bed.  "Maria's gettin' your nightlight, an' some fixins for lunch.  Some tomato-dope soup recipe she's got.  Are you ready to tell me..."

"No."

"Ellie.  Sooner or later--"

"Then _later_."

Joel was quiet a moment.  He didn't seem to be quite so actively not-looking at her, now.  Maybe the near-darkness helped.  "Maria had a good idea.  She thinks maybe you oughtta go talk to Nana."

Ellie snorted.  " _No._ "

"Why not?  You like her, she's easy to talk to--"

"And she's surrounded by a zillion kids all the time."  Nana was kind of like everyone's grandma.  Ellie liked her okay -- the woman was impossible to dislike, really -- but what the hell did Joel think they would talk about?

"It could be when those teenagers are lookin' after the kids, or when one of the moms is there.  You could talk privately.  Or if you don' wanna talk, maybe you could sit an' watch the kids play, an'... it'll make you feel a little better about things."

Ellie glared at him (or in his general direction, at least).  "Are you for real right now?  I'm a freak, I'd scare all of them." 

"No you're not--"

"At least my outside matches my inside now."  That was not a very Ellie-doll response, but it wasn't as if her freakishness was new territory for Joel.

"You are _not_ a freak.  Never have been."

"I've always felt different from the other kids here.  You know that.  I _am_ different."

"Then why--"  He stopped that thought abruptly.  It was an angry one.

"Why what?"

But he didn't finish it for her.  He sighed again. "Fine -- no kids then.  Just Nana.  Girl talk."

"She's fucking sunshine and rainbows, Joel.  Do you think if I talk to her they'll rub off on me or something?"

"I don' know about that, but... Maria had a good point.  Sometimes it's easier talkin' to someone you don' know real good."

"That makes no sense.  And I can talk to Maria if I want 'girl talk'."  _Why is Maria suggesting this?  Maybe she doesn't actually WANT to talk to me herself..._

"Yes, of course you can talk to her.  She'll be back soon."

"I don't _want_ to talk to her.  I don't need to talk, period.  If I talk to anyone, it'll be you."

"Good," he said, after a beat.  "That's good."  She thought he seemed a little scared at the prospect.  _He doesn't want to hear about two guys ramming their dicks up inside me.  Can't blame him.  Why would anyone even want to talk about that?_

"I just want to be alone," she said.  "Alone, but... with you nearby.  Then I'll feel safe."

She wasn't feeling especially _un_ safe, but that provision was more in the realm of what Joel could handle.  And it was something she could give him, to fill his need to help her in some way.  "Of course," he said easily.  He reached out to touch her hair -- probably to tuck a wayward strand behind her ear -- but she flinched a little, and he dropped the hand.  "I can brush your hair out for you," he offered.

"No thanks."  She'd gotten her hair wet, but hadn't bothered washing it, and she wasn't going to brush it.  What was the point?  It could stay a tangled mess for the rest of her life.  "Can I just be alone... please?"

"Sure.  I'll be right out there."

 

* * *

 

Her new night light was some princess character with an elaborate hairdo and a fancy blue dress.  Quite the anti-Ellie.  The princess cast enough of a warm glow to keep the worst of the demons at bay in the waking hours, but not enough light to make Ellie feel like she was part of a world that could ever look bright or cheerful -- thus, she was perfect.  The door would always be shut, no matter the time of day or whether Ellie was sleeping or not.  The bedroom was now her prison, she decided.  Life sentence.  Safe and secure (no one could come in without her permission, and she would only permit Joel, Maria, and Tommy).  Better than most prisons, really, from what little she knew of them:  she didn't have a toilet next to her bed, for one thing.

Not for lack of trying.  She asked Joel for a bucket to piss in, and he refused her.  Said he'd help her to the bathroom if she wanted, but she was _not_ pissing in some pot (even when she said she'd assume the task of emptying it herself).  She couldn't explain that it wasn't about the bathroom being too far away, or sheer laziness, even.  Well... maybe she _could_ , but she wasn't inclined to try.

Over the next couple days, it became like a game to see how far she could get Joel to go.  He agreed to bring her meals to the room, if that meant she'd actually eat them (she told him the marijuana made her feel sick, but he seemed to think she was just trying to be difficult); he did not agree to cut a hole in the door large enough to slide her plate under.  He agreed to leave her alone in her room for the most part, aside from bringing meals to her; he did not agree to leave her alone in the house to go about his usual business, and he kept making sure she knew he was nearby any time she wanted him.  Which, Ellie had to admit, was really what she wanted... except that she hated being a burden. 

Every time she asked to go see Bailey, Joel replied with 'later.'  In Joel-speak, that sometimes meant 'never,' but she kept asking -- eventually he'd have to come clean with her and give her a real answer, only... she didn't really want to hear it, because she knew that would be the end of pretending.  Did Joel realize that?  Sometimes he did seem to know things about her... things she never vocalized.  

And he agreed that when he asked her questions about what happened, he would stop if she shut him down.  At first, she ended it before he could even ask one question.  After several rounds of this, he got a little pushier about it.

"Please, kiddo... _please_ try."  He was icing her ankle in his lap, concentrating his gaze on that, while she laid back and iced her face, contemplating the water stains on the ceiling.  Ellie thought the swelling had pretty much gone away by then, but the treatment was a good excuse for Joel to sit with her for fifteen minutes and try to grill her.

She did feel kind of guilty about being so stubborn after she'd promised him that she _would_ tell him things.  He didn't even guilt trip her about that, which only made her feel guiltier!  But... he didn't know how hard it was to bring that encounter to mind.  "You already know what happened.  Why do you want to hear the details?"

"I don't.  Believe me, I don't.  But I have to make these motherfuckers pay, and I got nothin' to go on.  What did they look like?  Did they have any scars, or--"

"You can't kill them, Joel, they're not Jackson people.  They're out in the world somewhere."

"That don' mean I can't find 'em."

"That's exactly what it means!"

"If you don' tell me anythin' I'll jus' have to kill every guy I come across.  You want me to do that?"

She shook her head.  Covered both of her eyes with the ice rag.

"I'm sorry," he said.  "I won't put that on you."

"But you'd still do it," she said quietly.

"Hey..."

She left the rag where it was.  Feeling his hand touch her arm made her jump.  " _Don't_ ," she growled.

"Sorry."

She shifted the rag back to the left side of her face and resumed staring at the ceiling.  "It's all my fault, you know," she blurted out.  She had to make Joel understand that she didn't deserve his sympathy.  Sometimes he seemed to get that, but he still wasn't showing it.  He'd certainly scolded her for lesser things in the past.  "You can lecture me now.  Tell me how fucking stupid I was to sneak out, and then not pay attention to my surroundings, and pretty much just give away my gun and knife."

"Sounds like you don' need the lecture."

"Well, yell at me anyway.  Tell me I got what I deserved."  She looked at him then, silently challenging him to meet her gaze and deny it.

He was scowling at her ankle.  "You think you deserved it?  No, Ellie.  No way in hell."

"It should've been _me_ that died.  Bailey is the one who didn't deserve it."  A lump started rising in her throat just saying his name, but she willed it away.  _I'm a cold, heartless monster.  Monsters don't feel things._

"Neither one of you deserved it, an' you didn' kidnap him, for Chrissakes, he went of his own accord, so don't... don' take that--"

"He never would've gone out there by himself!  He only did it to make me happy.  He's so... so _good_."

"So are you.  What happened out there... it don' change that."

"Pfff.  Tell that to Rachel.  I'm surprised she hasn't come over here to kill me herself."  She watched Joel's face; his expression didn't change, but he wasn't answering her, so... "She has, hasn't she.  She's come over here and you haven't let her in."

"No, actually, but that might just be ‘cause she's stayin' with... I don' know, some church-y friends of hers.  You're right, though -- if she does show up here, I ain't lettin' her near you, don' worry."

"I'm not worried!  She can come here and kick my ass if she wants to, I wouldn't stop her.  I _want_ her to yell at me, since _you_ won't."

Joel groaned.  "Ellie..."

"What?  I know you're disappointed in me.  Pissed off at me.  You're so angry you can't even look at me."

"It ain't you I'm mad at."

She knew he was lying, but since she also knew he was far angrier with the two hunters than he was with her, it might have been because he was actually lying to himself.  "It's okay if you are.  I'm mad at me too."

"This was _not_ your fault.  Those two sons of bitches--"

"We were naked, Joel!  Maria told you we were swimming, right?  I could've handled them if not for-- if I had my stuff--"

"That don' make it okay for them to... do what they did," he said carefully. "An' havin' clothes on wouldn've stopped 'em."

"Still.  I'm an idiot.  People out there are... different.  They didn't act like... like we were human beings, or... they didn't _care_ , they were like okay let's take whatever and... there wasn't ever any question if they would kill us or not.  Just, 'Oh, there's two people, that means we do _this_.'"  Except for Tony's throwaway comment about taking her with them, but Joel didn't need to know details like that.  "You and me, we weren't that bad when we were out there..." But she let that thought trail off uncertainly.

"Of course not," Joel said with no uncertainty whatsoever.

"We killed people like it was no big deal, though."

"No, we were jus' doin' what we had to do."  He talked over her when she tried to interrupt.  "Jus' because it wasn't always in self-defense don' mean we didn' have to do it."

"That's exactly what _they_ did."

"No it ain't.  They didn' have to--" Joel cut himself off and sighed.  "They coulda jus' stolen your shit an' left without you even seein' 'em."

"Is that what we would've done?"

"We _did_ do that.  Don' you remember?"

"You mean... that one cabin with all the potatoes?"  The inhabitants had been asleep.  She and Joel had taken as much from them as they could make off with, but they hadn't killed the poor hapless people.

"An' other times like that, yes."

_Other times._ They had come across plenty of abandoned camp sites, but there'd also been some live ones.  One time in particular that stood out to Ellie was in late winter or maybe early spring, when they hadn't eaten for several days.  The heavenly aroma of roasting elk had drawn them to a camp that appeared to belong to a mother and two children, no father in sight.  Ellie had been dying to get her hands on that food, and she could tell Joel was struggling with the decision of how to handle the situation.  He'd told her they should just keep going.  Not even five minutes later, he'd told her to wait for him while he 'spent quality time with nature' (i.e. take a shit).  She'd found the timing suspect, but she did as she was told.  A short while later, he'd returned -- with the family's dinner.  She asked him what he'd done, and he'd told her not to worry about it.  He refused to tell her how he'd managed to get the elk meat, and she was so hungry she really hadn't cared all that much.  It became one of those things they were never to discuss again, an incident Ellie just knew by some unspoken understanding was off limits.

She thought she could live without knowing what he'd done, but later, she'd broken that understanding to ask him 'just one thing' -- if he had killed them.  His 'no' was convincing enough for her to leave it alone after that.

_But whatever he did, Joel didn't rape that woman.  No fucking way._

She wondered if that family was still alive... if they were out there maybe doing to other people what had been done to them.  Perpetuating the never-ending cycle, escalating it to the next level every so often as they grew more comfortable with it.  Or maybe they had already been murderers, having killed others for the meal that Joel had then stolen from them.  Maybe they were nice and considerate and gentle, and would never hurt anyone -- in which case they were certainly dead by now.

"Ellie?"

She looked at him blankly.

"I said it ain't your fault, it's theirs.  An' you're nothin' like them."  Their eyes finally locked on each others', just for a moment.  He seemed so sincere.  _How?!_ He couldn't actually believe she wasn't to blame.

Ellie looked away.  "It _is_ my fault that it happened, though.  It shouldn't have... none of it... just... the one guy?  He used my mom's switchblade to threaten me.  He couldn't have done that if I'd had my clothes on, it would've been in my pocket -- and I could've pulled my gun-- Jesus, even if I'd just been paying attention when we got out of the water, maybe I would've heard them and we could've run before they got too close.  Maybe they wouldn't have even come over there if they hadn't heard us -- heard _me_ \-- splashing and being all loud, and... God, I could have done so much more--"

" _No_ , Ellie--"

Once she started talking, it seemed she couldn't stop.  It gave her some kind of perverse pleasure to convince Joel that this _was_ all her fault.  She had to get him to admit it.  "And it was _my_ idea.  I'm the one who wanted to go out there.  I thought it would be exciting and fun and _God_ , I'm such an idiot.  I killed him, Joel," she added, her voice finally breaking.

"No, _they_ did," Joel insisted.  "C'mere..."

He was trying to gather her up in a hug.  "Don't!"  She swung her legs off his lap and sat up so she could back away a little.  Her bed was shoved up against the wall so there was only the one side of it open; he could have cornered her, but he stayed put.  They each let their ice rag fall.

For someone so angry, Joel was still unbearably patient and kind.  "Sometimes it makes you feel better if I hold you, when you're sad... or after a nightmare..."

"That's different," Ellie mumbled.  He hadn't soothed her lately, the few times she'd dozed off since it happened.  Ellie was sure he didn't know she'd been having nightmares.  If he'd known, he would've come to her in a flash.  She always felt like she was screaming, but when she woke up, she realized she hadn't made a sound.  Usually, waking up to reality after having a nightmare was a relief, but now it hurt worse than her breathing did, worse than any bruise on her body.  Everything hit her like she was living the horror all over again.  It made her try to stay awake.  Being awake sucked too, but it was preferable to sleeping with _that_ as the end result.  She had more control over things when she was conscious.  She wondered a few times if the nightmares were also happening when she _was_ awake... it _seemed_ like it... but she always concluded that it was because she was so tired, she'd started dozing off again, and then they'd hit her before she could even get any actual rest.

When she used to crawl into bed next to Joel after a nightmare, she'd tried not to disturb his sleep (though in the beginning, he always woke up, even at the slightest little thing).  Even if he didn't wake up, just hearing his deep, even breathing was comforting enough for her to fall back asleep.  _I don't deserve that kind of comfort anymore._   Besides, it was pointless.  It always came down to the same two things that no amount of comfort could remedy:  it wouldn't bring Bailey back, and it wouldn't make her whole again, the way she was before she'd fucked up so royally.  These things were too awful to say out loud. 

She did feel bad that she'd hurt his feelings over it, though.  Or... _maybe_ hurt them.  Hard to tell with Joel sometimes, and it wasn't like she was completely in tune with him anymore.  She'd fallen out of tune with everything, so suddenly.

Ellie decided to throw him a bone.  She took a deep breath and willed her emotional side to sort of... check out.  _Cold hard facts, no room for emotion here._   She stared at the floor as she recited what she could remember.  "The meaner one had darker hair, dark and straight and thick-looking... and he had a missing front tooth.  Kinda reminded me of a pirate.  Tony, the other guy called him.  He seemed like the one in charge.  Full beards, both of them -- longer than yours.  Bushy.  Longish hair.  The other one's hair was fuzzier... frizzy, like... dark too I guess but... I dunno, I think in the daylight his hair would be lighter.  I never saw the flashlight shine right on him.  I did on the other one, Tony -- skin darker than mine, but... he was white, still.  I think.  At least partly.  They were both wearing like dirty T-shirts and... jeans, I guess.  They didn't have accents like you and Tommy.  But the second one -- Pete, he answered to Pete -- he sort of sounded a little bit like you but... like if _I_ used the words you use, you know?  In my accent with some of your words.  I don't know how old they were.  Older than me, younger than you."  Not that _that_ narrowed it down all that much.  She glanced at Joel.

He was listening attentively.  "That's good, kiddo, real good.  Did they talk about where they were goin'?"

"I can't remember... I wasn't my sharpest..."

"That's okay.  Jus' try.  Anythin' at all."

"Um... I remember Pete was supposed to meet the other one at 'the fork.'  I don't know where that is.  Does that help?"

"Maybe.  It's a start."

"He was supposed to meet Tony there when he, um… finished with me and... and killed me," she said quietly.  She felt the emotions stirring, but she kept going.  "I don't know why he didn't kill me.  I knew he was going to before he even... I didn't even try to get away.  I guess I knew I..." Ellie couldn't even say why she hadn't fought right up until the very end, why her brain wasn't acting like it usually did.  She didn't understand what had come over her then.  "I don't know.  I was just waiting for him to pull the trigger, and he just... got up and shot a round into the ground or something instead.  So the other guy would think he did it.  Why did he do that?"  She looked at Joel again.

His eyes looked bright, staring at the floor.  She looked away; she didn't want to see him cry, and knew _he_ didn't want her to see him cry, any more than she wanted him to see her do it.  He didn't cry, though.  Not that she could hear, anyway.  "I don' know," he said softly.  "I'm jus' glad the fucker had a shred of humanity in him."

Ellie could hear the anger in his words... the quietness of it was somehow more alarming than if he'd been yelling and throwing shit.  "Joel... you're not gonna go looking for these guys _now_ , are you?"

"The longer I wait, the colder the trail gets."

"Tommy said people are out looking already!  You can tell them what I told you--"

"The patrols are lookin' around, sure.  More in the interest of keepin' the town safe.  In case they're holed up nearby."

"So let them do that, then."

"It ain't the same thing as trackin' them, tryin' to follow their steps... the first decent rain will wash away any imprints they might've left, make it harder..."

She looked at him then, willing him to meet her gaze.  "You can't.  Joel, you _can't_.  Please don't leave me."

He still wouldn’t look at her.  "I ain't leavin' you--"

"Yes you are!  You are if you go after them!"

"But I'll come back--"

"When -- after you kill them?  What if you never find them?  What if something happens to you out there?"  She bit her lip again to keep from crying; she'd probably bloodied her lip more in the past couple days than the guys had that night.

"I _will_ find them.  I swear to God I will find them and make them pay for what they did."  His angry gaze was still directed at the floor.

"Joel, no!  Look at me.  You have to stay."

He didn't look.  "I can get someone to stay with you, Tommy an' Maria would be--"

"I want _you_ to stay.  I... I _need_ you to stay."  The 'need' triggered her tears to start flowing.

Joel sighed.  "I haven' been able to do anythin' for you that they can't do."  The tears only served to annoy him this time. 

"I just need to know you're here.  That you're safe and we're together.  Please, Joel.  Please.  Promise me you won't go after them.  Or if you go, then I'm going with you."

"You're in no shape to--"

"I know, that's why it would be better to go later."  Ellie shuddered at the thought of actually going Outside again.  But if she was with Joel, she could handle it.  Maybe she could even pretend it was two years ago, before she knew there was a Bailey in the world... before she made the biggest mistake ever... before she knew what it felt like to have her soul ripped out of her body.

"Ellie..."

"If you really wanna go now, take me with you.  I can ride a horse like this.  Or I can sit behind you on _your_ horse."

"No way in hell.  You need to rest... let your body heal."

She was never _really_ going to be healed, so what was the difference?  She didn't care if pushing herself physically hurt her body.  Maybe she even _wanted_ to hurt it more, fucked up as the idea was.  "If you go, then I have to go, too.  That's the deal."

"I ain't makin' no deal like that."

"You already did, a long time ago, before we even got to Salt Lake City -- you said we'd stick together no matter what."

"That was different.  I wouldn' be leavin' you alone in the world, you'd be with people who can take care of you."

"Don't leave me at all!  If you won't let me come with you, then you have to promise.  Promise me you won't go."

Joel sighed again, exasperated.  Didn't say anything. 

_He's close... almost there..._ "Look at me and say it.  _Please_ , Joel."  She scooted closer to him and laid her hand on top of his.

Joel closed his eyes and sat quietly for a long moment before finally looking at her.  "If you want me to stay that bad then... okay."

"You promise?"

"I promise."

_"Thank you_."  She was so relieved that she hugged him.  It was a real hug (albeit one-armed), not just a side-hug, because he was sitting on the wrong side for that.  He wrapped his arms around her tentatively.  Neither she nor Joel had been accustomed to much in the way of physical affection -- Joel, for the past couple decades, and Ellie, her entire life -- and it was something they'd eased into with each other over the course of the past year.  It was supposedly some basic need of all humans, to touch and be touched... but Ellie thought that was bullshit.  It wasn't anywhere near as important as having air to breathe, water to drink, food to eat... still, it _was_ nice, even in smaller doses than hugs.  And Ellie lumped Joel into the same category as air and water and food, when it came to her own survival. 

When she didn't pull away, Joel started rubbing circles on her back.  Because he knew she liked that.  It was an invitation to stay.  She still liked it, but... now it was starting to feel too much like she'd hugged him in search of comfort, rather than out of gratitude. 

Ellie had to pull back; he'd already been nicer to her than she deserved just by agreeing to stay in town.


	6. Uninvited

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from the Alanis Morissette song.
> 
> Thank you, everyone who's stuck with me this far, I appreciate you!

Ellie lost track of time often.  She'd fallen out of the routine of getting up and doing things during the day and sleeping at night, and in her room it was always nighttime.  If it weren't for Joel bringing her different types of meals for different times of the day, she'd have no clue what time of day it was most of the time.  Some part of her brain remembered that she and Joel were supposed to have patrol this week, but Joel stayed home with her -- without her even asking him to.  Maria or Tommy probably found other people to do it.  Even if Ellie had been willing, she had to walk with that crutch, her other arm in a sling... she'd be useless.  But the bigger issue (for her, at least) was the whole not-wanting-to-leave-her- room thing... the mental obstacles between her and a normal life.

She slept when her brain couldn't function enough to keep her awake, at odd intervals.  More than once, Joel had knocked on her door with a meal for her and startled her awake.  Which was preferable to being startled awake by the end of some horrific nightmare.  She expected to have a nightmare every time she slept now, but she didn't.  It seemed like since she was living a nightmare, she should dream them all the time, too.  Either way, waking up was still difficult, because waking up 'like normal' gave her that moment where she forgot... where she believed everything was okay... followed by the agonizing moment when she remembered, and realized it never would be again.

Joel was angry.  All the time.  The sight of her used to make him smile... now, it made him clench his jaw.  He was revolted by her.  They'd each seen the other banged up before, plenty of times.   It _shouldn't_ have bothered him so much.  Ellie wondered if the rape part made that much difference, those wounds that went beyond the physical... or if it was because this time, he had reason to be angry with _her_ as well.  Maybe suppressing that anger made him feel it even more.

She didn't dwell on it.  He was there, safe, and that's all that mattered.  She didn't have the energy to expend on even simple conversations anyway; when she wasn't spaced out, she was either sluggish and dumb from the marijuana, or heartsick over the events replaying in her mind over and over, like a movie stuck on the play button in an endless loop.

Her physical pain didn't trouble her nearly as much as people seemed to think it should.  They all wanted her to use the marijuana.  It would help, they said.  She had agreed to consume it in a meal only once a day.  It did help her, in some ways.  She could breathe without the constant throb of her protesting ribs.  It helped some with headaches, backaches, her ankle, and whatever it was on the inside that was fucked up... she didn't even need it for her wrist.  She knew the dope was just inhibiting her body's ability to feel the pain -- it wasn't a cure. 

But it also fucked with her head, and she felt like her head was fucked up enough as it was.  Whatever 'high' she was supposed to get was more like... an enhancement of her spaced out times, only with a side of paranoia -- usually about things just out of her view that were chasing her, and other stupid shit like that.  Even though she knew she was safe in her room, her dopey brain didn't know it.  Joel's solution for that was for him to hang out with her, so he could keep telling her when shit wasn't real, but it didn't stop it from happening (one time she actually thought his head was on fire, and he had to reason it out with her that if it truly was, he wouldn't be sitting there calmly talking to her, now, would he?).  And, although Joel still seemed to think she was fibbing about it, it really did make her feel nauseous even well into the next day, which was almost a worse feeling than the aches.  He said it was a _remedy_ for that, it didn't cause it.  She said that since she was a freak of nature (due to her immunity), who could say how it should or shouldn’t make her feel?  He had to concede that there was no one universal reaction to it, that ‘everyone’s different.’

But when she made the mistake of admitting to Joel that it did make her feel better, physically, it seemed to make _him_ feel a little better, so she kind of wanted to keep using it for his sake.  It was almost like he felt her pain, too.  She tried to tell him she didn't need it, that she didn't have all that much pain, but he didn't buy it.  The ribs alone refuted that, because he'd experienced that particular injury himself.

After a strawberry pot smoothie one day ("I'm not hungry enough to eat" didn't stop Joel from getting her to ingest _something_ ), she must have fallen asleep while high, and she proceeded to have her scariest nightmare yet.  She woke up on the floor (had she fallen asleep on the floor?), and waking up didn't seem to fully extinguish the dream... neither did recognizing where she was, safe in her room, the night light glowing warmly like always.  Some creature was clawing at her from the inside out -- it was so vivid she could feel the pain coursing through her.  Then suddenly she was submerged in a body (a tank?) of water, only she couldn't swim.  She tried, but it was like she'd forgotten how, or she was somehow transported in time to before she knew how.  She gasped for air... and realized she couldn't actually be in water, because her lungs would have been completely filled with water by now.  _But if I realize this, I'm not dreaming, am I?_ Dreams always made sense when you were in the middle of them.Her lungs hurt... they were actually being devoured, she could _feel_ it... and there was something in the water with her, trying to drag her down to God knows where.

This time when she screamed, something audible must have actually come out of her mouth, because she heard Joel's voice... but why was he so far away?  _"Ellie, you're having a nightmare.  It's a dream, you're okay, sssshhhh, wake up, you're okay, you're all right..."_  

"Joel!  Help me, help me, it's gonna kill me!  I can't-- I can't breathe!"

_"I'm right here, baby girl, you're dreaming, you're safe... Ellie, stop that, it's me..."_

But he wasn't _really_ there, or she wouldn't be fighting off the invisible demon or whatever the fuck it was in the water all by herself -- Joel would have killed it by now! 

Eventually, she calmed down enough to realize that Joel _was_ there... had been there for a bit already.  She was huddled in the corner of her room, which was brighter than usual; Joel had turned on the regular lamp.  He was crouching in front of her, close but not _real_ close.

"It's okay, baby girl, you're okay..."

Of course she _wasn't_ okay, not really, but she also wasn't dying at the hands of some sci-fi creature either.  "Were you in there with me?  Did you kill it?"

"I dunno, maybe I did."  He said it like he knew what she was talking about.

 _He WAS fighting it!_ "You're dripping mud.  I didn't see any mud in there.  Were you down at the bottom?  What... how did we..."  It looked like... not-real mud, not even like real matter -- it was two-dimensional, cartoonish.  _What the fuck?_

"Uh... there's no mud."

"No, you're dripping it... was I in a tank of water?  Did that happen?  How did we get outside?  We were just in my room..."

"...no...?  Ellie, we _are_ in your room, both dry as a bone... 'cept for it looks like you broke out in a sweat... you kick pretty hard with that good foot of yours," he added with a touch of amusement.

"I _kicked_ you?  Are you sure it was me?  Didn't you kill...?  There was this... I don't know what it was... this _thing_..." Her eyes darted around the room, making sure it wasn't hiding somewhere.

"I'm sure it was you," he said gently.  "Come here..."

She shook her head.  She still vaguely felt like something was crawling beneath her skin.  It was fucking creepy.  It couldn't be real, it made no sense.  But her chest didn't even hurt... had _that_ been in her imagination, too? 

"I didn' know you were gonna go to sleep, I thought you said you slept better last night?  I wouldn'a had you drink that... an' I must've put too much in it.  I'm sorry."

So, she was ingesting marijuana to help dull the pain, and instead, she was imagining the sensation of pain she wasn't even feeling?  _How fucked up is that?_

She was constantly lying about how well she slept, how much pain she felt.  She didn't want Joel to worry about her.  There were times she thought he realized she was lying, but it was one of those things where one of them would just pretend they _didn't_ realize, because it made things more... well, not _normal_ , exactly... it was just something they did at times, by some kind of weird fucking mutual understanding that she couldn't explain.

"Let me help you off the floor, at least--"

"No.  I'm staying here.  Can you please turn that light off?  I thought it was the sun, I guess.  That's prob'ly why I thought we were outside."  _Yeah, because THAT makes sense.  Pfff._   She noticed the ‘mud’ was gone, but Joel still didn’t look normal… he was all ripple-y, like the surface of a lake.  Everywhere she looked in the room she saw waves.  It was starting to sink in that none of this shit was real, so she didn’t bother telling Joel what she was seeing.  Tried not to think about the waves hiding invisible demons, circling her… _if they’re inside me, how CAN they be?_

She heard her name and realized Joel was trying to get her attention.  She looked at his distorted face, watched it contort into an odd shape and back again as the ‘waves’ passed through him.  _He’s fine, you’re imagining it…_

"Maybe we should go outside an' see the real sun--"

" _No_.  I'm staying here!  Just leave me alone.  Please."

Joel sighed.  "You're still not seein' straight an' you look freaked out.  I ain't leavin'.  Tell me about your dream."

"Why?  It won't help."

"Maybe it will."

"It won't!  Talking doesn't _change_ anything.  You know what _will_ change something?  If I stop getting high in the first place and just... feel what I'm supposed to feel."

"It's not... you're not _'supposed'_ to feel it."

She didn't want to argue with him again about what she deserved.  He would never agree with her, not out loud, but surely some part of him _had_ to know she did deserve it... for defying him in the first place, for putting him through all of this crap now.

He sat with her quietly, wearing his usual angry expression, until her brain returned to its normal level of fucked-up-ness.  And when she tearfully asked him to please stop the marijuana altogether or tone it waaaay down because the hallucinations were too scary, he argued with her a little, but in the end, he did relent.

Later that day, he knocked on her door.  "Ellie, I got somethin' to tell you.  About Bailey.  May I come in?"

 _Bailey?_   What could it be?  For one crazy moment, she thought, _Joel's going to tell me he's alive, that they fixed up his wound and he's recovered and I can see him now..._ riiiight.

"Come in."  She was still on the floor. 

"Will you come sit up here with me please?  Let me help you..."

She waved him off.  "I got it."  She made her way over to the bed and sat next to him.  Further away than she used to.  "What about Bailey?"

"They're havin' the funeral tomorrow.  Do you wanna go?"

The funeral.  Ellie had forgotten about that, maybe on purpose.  It was so... _final._   "Yes, of course I want to go.  I have to."

"No, you don't."

"If I don't go, it's like... like saying I didn't love him," she said, her voice catching a little.

"No, no, it ain't like that at all.  No one would think that.  They might think it's too much for you, an'... 'specially after what you've been through, no one would think the less of you for it, trust me."

Ellie didn't give a shit what people thought about her, if they thought she was weak or whatever.  Maybe she wanted to do it for herself.  So _she_ could show that she loved him.  "Do you think I should go?"

"It's up to you."

"But do _you_ think so?"

Joel hesitated.  "If you're up for it, I think it might be good for you to say goodbye.  Funerals are tough, but afterwards... it might help you let go."

"I don't _want_ to let go."

"I know you don't, baby girl," he said gently.  "You don' gotta forget him, you jus' have to... find a way to go on."

She didn't believe it would help her 'let go' in any real sense, but there was no point in arguing when she _did_ actually want to go.  “Okay.”

"There's one problem."  Joel sighed.  "Rachel... she's... you know, upset.  Grief-stricken.  She don' want you there."

"She said that?"  Not that Ellie was surprised.

Joel nodded.  "I'm sorry."

"So then I can't go.  She's his mother, she's more important."

"Not more important.  More... I don' know.  You have every right to be there, though.  Maybe if we keep ourselves inconspicuous-like, hang out in the back... let her do her... mom thing, an' whatnot..."

"I dunno..."

"Whatever you wanna do is fine by me."

She didn't want to cause Rachel any more pain than she already had.  But... this was the last Bailey thing there ever would be.  She couldn't _not_ go.  Maybe Rachel could yell at her in front of the whole town... maybe that would make Rachel feel better, and it wasn't like Ellie could possibly feel any worse.  "Okay.  Let's go, then."

 

* * *

 

Determined to get ready alone, all she asked of Joel was that he make sure she was awake a good hour before the funeral was to start.  And she didn't need that push after all -- she was soaking in a scalding hot bath two hours before it.  Zoning out a bit, and with no clock in the bathroom.  _Maybe I should have told Joel to keep updating me on the time._

She heard voices in the other room.  Joel, obviously, and another man... it sounded like Tommy, although they were speaking softly enough that she couldn't make out any distinct words.  The voices were silent by the time she got out of the tub.  "Joel?  How much time do I have?" she hollered.

"Lil' over an hour.  You're good.  Need some help?"

"I got it."  It took ages, but she did 'get' it.  A quick glance at the mirror told her that her face still looked awful, all blue and purple.  Ellie tugged a brush through her tangled hair and lamented that she couldn't put it up in a ponytail.  She couldn't figure out how to do it with one hand.  Joel could do it for her, if she asked.  He knew how.  A while back, he'd told her with pride how he used to style Sarah's hair when she was little.  Ellie couldn't help but wonder if his handiwork merited the pride, but she'd found it really endearing nonetheless.

 _I can't let him do it.  He does too much for me as it is._  Her stomach lurched at the thought of him lovingly brushing her hair and fixing it for her.  She had to keep him at arm's length now.  She didn't fully understand why, she just knew she had to. 

When she emerged from the bathroom, she asked Joel if Tommy had come by.  "That was him I heard, right?  What did he want?"

"He came to check on you, see how you were doin'.  But, bad timing, you were gettin' cleaned up, so I told him we'll jus' see him there."

Ellie wasn't sure she bought that, but didn't care enough to pursue it. 

Joel's 'resting' facial expression typically wasn't all that sunny, even before, but it seemed to get slightly angrier or darker whenever he looked at her.  She was sure she wasn't just imagining it.  And she could understand it: she wasn't Ellie anymore, she was This Bad Thing That Happened.  Her appearance wouldn't let him forget.  She didn't like looking at him, either.  It hurt.  He looked like shit, and it pained her to see what she'd done to him.

Whatever anger Joel was feeling, though... he didn't take it out on her.  She wished he would.  He clearly wanted to help her and do things for her.  He spoke to her gently, cautiously... and tensely, most of the time.  "You need help with your...?" Joel asked.

Ellie wasn't even sure what he was referring to; she had already put on the sling.  "No, I'm ready."  She couldn't think of how Joel could help her get there without just carrying her, and she wouldn't let him do that.

She was awkward with the crutch since it was the first time she'd ever really needed to use it, beyond the short bedroom-to-bathroom trips (and she could manage those without it, too).  They started walking, very slowly, to a corner of town that served as a cemetery.  In the old days, people would go to a church first and then to the gravesite after; their settlement didn't have a real church, though, and it was just easier for everyone to do it all in one place.

The sun was shining.  That was just... _wrong_.  How could the sun shine when Bailey was dead?  _Doesn't it know?  It should be raining.  Always raining._ Every step she took was uncomfortable.  Her back hurt, her ribs hurt, her stomach was roiling.  "Maybe we shouldn't do this," she said, stopping abruptly.

"You can do it.  I'll be right there next to you the whole time.  If you gotta cry you can cry right into my shirt.  But... if you really don' wanna go, we can turn around right now.  Ain't no shame in it."

Ellie wasn't worried so much about crying as she was about turning Bailey's funeral into a freak show.  "No, I can do it."  She started crutching forward again. 

At least Joel didn't try to talk to her.  Her 'Joel-sense' was a bit off now, but still, she got the feeling he wasn't simply honoring her perpetual desire for silence.  She could usually tell when Joel didn't want to talk, and it was him far more often than her who got in that mood.  Before.  Now, it was more mutual.  He always said he was there for her if she needed to talk about anything, and she believed him, but she suspected he was secretly glad that she never wanted to.  She didn't want to cause him any more pain, and there was nothing they could talk about that wouldn't hurt.

The cluster of funeral attendees came into view; there was quite a crowd there.  Probably like seventy or eighty people, standing in clusters, presumably forming rings around the casket -- or what passed for one.  Ellie felt a twinge of something like pride, glad that so many wanted to attend... even though she knew some of them were probably only there because it was a Social Event, of which Jackson didn't have all that many.  Meanly, she wondered if any of them had come out of sheer curiosity... to see if she would show up, or if there would be drama between her and Rachel.  Maybe to gawk at her ugliness.  She and Joel had deliberately arrived a little late; Joel thought it might be easier if they just quietly joined ranks in the back after the 'priest' guy (a guy named Matt who wasn't a real priest, but served in that capacity) started talking.  That way, Rachel might not even notice them, or if she did, she would hesitate to interrupt the service and go make any kind of scene with Ellie.  Joel had told her that since Rachel was raised Catholic, it would be Jackson's abridged version of a Catholic funeral, like one they'd attended last year.  Ellie found that a bit strange since according to Bailey, Rachel had 'stopped being Catholic' after the world went to hell.  Even though she'd gone on to make some sort of peace with God eventually, she and Bailey didn't go to church (Jackson's equivalent) on Sundays, and they weren't 'practicing Catholics.'

"You okay?" Joel asked her.

"Uh-huh."  She was as ready as she'd ever be.  _You can spend the rest of your life in that room if you want_ , she told herself.  _You just have to make it through the next hour._

When they got closer, she immediately realized it would be way less time than that -- she couldn't stay.  Not for long.

Even though the dude was saying something about the ways of God and mercy and other such religious bullshit, and everyone was respectfully quiet, a buzz rippled through the crowd as people started noticing her and Joel.  The ones in the back started gesturing and whispering to each other.  Ellie couldn't hear them, but she could imagine what they were thinking:  _"She has some nerve, showing up here!"  / "Damn, she looks awful."  / "Stupid slut -- it's her fault he's dead." / "Why wasn't SHE the one who died?  It's so unfair." / "If only Bailey had given Tara a chance instead -- that sweet girl would have been so much better for him than Ellie."_

Ellie's face burned from their presumed judgment.  The most awful thing about it was that whatever they were thinking, it was all true.  No one looked at her for long; a sidelong glance at Joel told her he was scowling at each of them in turn.  She had stopped moving forward when the heads had started turning, electing to stay apart from the crowd but close enough to hear the service.

There were a few plastic deck chairs off to one side, meant for the old and feeble or maybe for hanging around afterwards.  Joel whispered that he would go grab her a chair.

But she grabbed his arm before he could go, nearly losing her crutch in doing so.  "No, stay here," she pleaded softly.  He put his arm around her... and she let him.  Leaned into him, even.

The murmurs of the crowd carried up to Rachel, and she didn't care that Matt was talking -- she talked right over him, loud enough for Ellie to hear.  "I told you I _don't want her here_ ," she heard Rachel say accusingly to someone.  "Make her leave.  I don't want her here!  Where is she?"

There was dead silence for a moment.  Then the sea of bodies parted, like some scene out of a fucking movie, clearing a path between her and Rachel.  Rachel moved towards her, just close enough for her eyes to lock onto Ellie's.  _Man, if she hated me BEFORE..._

"How _dare_ you come here!" Rachel spat furiously.  She didn't look so pretty now; her hair was still done up nicely, but she looked like she'd aged a decade in the past however-many days it had been, and she had dark circles under her eyes... Ellie couldn't keep looking into those if-looks-could-kill eyes.  She forced herself to look in Rachel's direction, just at more innocuous body parts... like her neck.

"Calm down," Joel said, surprisingly calm himself.  "She has every right to be here."

"She has _no_ right!  She killed him!"  Rachel started sobbing, and a friend of hers --Joy? Joyce? something like that -- tried to soothe her, to no avail.  Tommy had come up behind her, maneuvering through the crowd to get in front of her... as if he was afraid she might charge at Ellie or something.  Maria was there, too; she broke free from the crowd to join Ellie and Joel.

Ellie bit her lip.  Usually she had no problem speaking her mind, telling people to fuck off, or maybe hurling more colorful insults at them.  She couldn't do that now -- not when Rachel was right.  What could she say?  'I'm sorry' was a lame offering... still, better than nothing.  Only... Ellie couldn't seem to speak.

"Ellie didn't kill your boy," Joel said, somewhat less calmly than before.  Ellie could feel him tensing up.  "Some son of a bitch out there did that.  She is sick with grief over what happened.  It wasn' her fault!"

 _Yes it was!_   Joel knew it, too; he was just defending her anyway, because that was his way. 

Ellie wished he hadn't said it.   

"Of _course_ it was her fault!" Rachel shrieked.  "Before he met her he never would've gone out there -- like that -- he -- he'd be _alive_ if only he'd never -- never--" She crumpled to the ground in a hysterically-sobbing heap before her friend could fully catch her.  Several people knelt on the ground with her, trying to comfort her in whatever way they could – which was not enough, of course.  Not nearly enough.  The sobs wrenching her body were the most anguished, heartbreakingly pitiful sounds Ellie had ever heard, and she couldn't hold back her own tears as they silently streamed down her cheeks.  She turned and buried her face in Joel's shirt. 

Even Joel didn't seem inclined to yell at the woman now.  He wrapped his other arm around Ellie, cocooning her, and she wished she could stay right there forever and that everyone else would magically get sucked into the earth, leaving them alone.  "It's her grief talkin'," he whispered.  "She don' mean it."

But they both knew that she did, and that it was the truth.

"I can't stay," she mumbled into his shirt, sniffling.  She hadn't even caught a glimpse of the casket-thing they'd put Bailey in, but... "I don't wanna be here anymore."

"All right."  No _'are you sure?'_ this time.  Joel carefully pivoted her in the right direction, and she broke away from him to start hobbling away.

Maria walked with them.  "Ellie, are you okay?"  she asked, then snorted derisively at herself.  "Right.  Of course you're not.  I'm sorry, she doesn't know what she's saying."

 _She knows exactly what she's saying_.  But Ellie wasn't going to argue. 

They'd only gone about five steps when Tommy trotted over to them, falling into step next to Joel.  "I told you it wasn' a good idea to bring her--"

Everyone stopped walking.  Joel sighed.  "Damnit, Tommy, spare me the 'I told you so.'  Ellie should've been able to go.  We didn' come here to cause trouble."

 _I've done enough of that already,_ Ellie thought bitterly.

Tommy's voice was softer when he spoke to Ellie.  "Honey, I'm sorry about that, she shouldn'ta said those things to you.  She jus' needs time, she'll come around."

 _Come around to WHAT?  She's already got the truth of it._   Ellie couldn't look at any of them, couldn't make herself respond with any sort of bullshit courtesy to their bullshit comforting efforts... and she couldn't respond with the thoughts in her head, either, because she knew they would only generate more bullshit.  Whoever she spoke to would think that she only said these things because she _wanted_ them to spew the _"No, Ellie, that's not true!"_ lies back at her. 

 _Why -- so I can lie to myself?_   It was all such a stupid, pointless game that she couldn't force herself to play.  She stared at the ground, watching her tears disappear into the grass.  Tuned out the voices of the three people with her and the hum of the crowd behind her.  _One... two... three... four..._

_... twenty-five..._

_"Ellie!"_

Joel's voice, and his hand on her shoulder, yanked her back from wherever it was that she'd just gone.  Tommy and Maria weren't there anymore, but someone else was -- Marcus, Bailey's best friend.  Ellie regarded him warily.  He didn't look like he wanted to kill her, at least... Joel probably would have sent him away rather than snap her out of her own head if that were the case.

Aside from Bailey, Marcus was the only other teenager in the town that she'd really hung out with -- and that was only because of Bailey.  The three of them had spent more time together when she and Bailey were just friends.  When that changed, Ellie had been afraid that Marcus would resent her for 'taking' Bailey from him.  She'd even made a point to talk to him about it, with some lame rehearsed speech in mind, but she needn't have bothered:  he had no idea why she would even think he was upset.  She told Joel about it, and he'd said something about guys' brains not tuning in to all the drama that girls' brains pick up from who knows where.

Marcus seemed to pity her now, and Ellie hated that, but she'd take it over the hatred she was sure the rest of the town harbored for her.  He was a little older than Bailey, of similar build, and had what they called an ‘olive’ complexion.  Shaggy dark hair, brown eyes so dark they were almost black.  She saw kindness in his expression... kindness and sincerity.  "Ellie, I just wanted to say... I know it wasn't your fault.  And that... well... Bailey was so... I've never seen him as happy as he was after you and him..."  He shuffled his feet awkwardly.  "Just thought you should know that."

Ellie had apparently stopped crying when she zoned out, but the tears returned easily.  Her heart swelled with fresh pain.  It was a nice thing for him to say, but it didn't make this any less her fault.  "Thanks," she said feebly.

"Thank you for sayin' that, son," Joel said quietly.

Marcus nodded.  "If there's anything I can do..."

"We appreciate that," said Joel.

There was an awkward pause.  Marcus mumbled something about getting back, then she and Joel set off again.  "He's a decent kid," Joel remarked.

Ellie was quiet.  She was still stewing over Rachel’s theatrics, the poor woman's sobs ringing in her ears.  The walk home stretched out awfully long before her.  Her right arm -- the 'good' arm -- started twitching, and she stopped crutching, waiting for it to subside.  She could feel the stares penetrating her back.

Joel apparently could, too, as he kept glancing backward.  "Do you wanna go sit a minute?" he asked when she stopped moving.

"I just wanna get outta here," she mumbled.

"I could carry you..."

 _No, I deserve this, it's not supposed to be easy_.  But she really _really_ wanted to be back in her room, away from the world and its obnoxious sunshine, away from the hatred and sorrow permeating the air.  Besides, Joel would probably rather carry her than move at a snail's pace and watch her struggle.  And she didn't care if anyone thought she was a weak little baby -- or that it would make her feel like one.  _I AM weak, so..._   "Okay," she agreed.

She did not agree to sit on the couch with Joel and talk, however. He obligingly deposited her on her bed and leaned the crutch against it.  She undid the sling and lay down on her back to stare at the ceiling.

Joel sat on the bed down by her feet.  "Ellie, you know I ain't much of a talker, but you... you're way too quiet these days."

"I have nothing to say."

"Bullshit."

"Nothing you wanna hear, then."

"Try me."

"What's the point?  Nothing I say is gonna change anything."

"It might help you."

"How?"

"Make you feel less alone."

 _I'm SUPPOSED to be alone._   "By pissing you off or making you sad?"

Joel sighed.  "By helpin' me understand what you're goin' through."

"You can't understand.  No one can."  _And I don't deserve your sympathy._

"You've said that before... an' I _did_ understand, when you explained."

"Well, not this time."

"How do you know?"

"Maybe I just don't wanna talk about it!" she snapped at him.

"Then talk to me about somethin' else."

"There _is_ nothing else."  She could sense his growing frustration with her.  She wondered why it didn't bother her, because surely it should.  She should be afraid that Joel would get so fed up with her that he would finally leave her alone.  Which was what she wanted, just... not _that_ alone.  She needed Joel to be around, without a doubt.  He was as essential to her survival as the air she breathed.  Undeserving of him though she was, Ellie was way too selfish to give him up willingly, even as penance for her crimes.  So why wasn't she concerned that her failure to be a human being would drive him away?  "I want to be alone, please," she said.  "For now.  I need to think."

Joel seemed more sad than angry.  "All right.  Holler if you need anythin'."

He always said that, and she never did it.

It wasn't until the next day that Ellie felt like she'd found her words, that she could go grovel at Rachel's feet.  She didn't expect or even _want_ to be forgiven (which she also wanted Rachel to know), she just wanted to tell her how very sorry she was -- it would be lame and inadequate, of course, but heartfelt.  She wanted to tell Rachel she'd been right about Ellie all along, that she was a bad thing spoiling a good thing.  If there was anything Ellie could do for her, she wanted to do it.  She would even leave Jackson if Rachel wanted to be sure to never see her face again.  Ellie planned to put the offer out there.  Joel wouldn't like it, but it wasn't like Ellie was any good to him now anyway; she wasn't the Ellie that he'd loved.  Maybe he'd even feel relieved.

Ellie didn't want to wait another minute, now that the idea of leaving was stirring some actual excitement within her.  Finally, she would be _doing_ something to pay for what she'd done, and doing something besides sucking up the emotional energy of people who cared about her, especially Joel.  She was still dressed from the funeral the day before so all she had to do was don a shoe and her arm sling.  She didn't even take the time to tie the shoe; she could let Joel do that one small thing for her in the interest of hurrying the fuck up.

When she hobbled out to the other room on her crutch, Joel looked surprised.  He was sitting on the couch.  Just sitting there, not in the middle of doing anything as far as Ellie could tell.  It hadn't occurred to her before to wonder what Joel did all day, other than be there for her sake.  If she listened, she could hear sounds of the house that might indicate what he was doing, even through her closed door, but she regularly tuned out such noise now.  Maybe both of them were just sitting around, in pain, alone... but he was freshly-showered, which could mean he'd been working out.  He liked to shower after that.  Maybe that's what he did all day... work out, shower, feed the prisoner, work out, shower, eat, work out again... or he could whittle things out of extra scraps of wood he regularly brought home from carpentry projects.  He liked to do that.  Ellie didn't see any evidence of it near him now, though.

"Hey."  He actually managed a small smile.  It was painfully forced, but still better than the usual scowl.

"Hey.  So... I was thinking, and... I wanna go see Rachel."

"Ellie--"

"Don't say it's not a good idea, cuz it's something I have to do.  You don't have to come with me."  She wasn't sure why she bothered saying that, as she knew full well Joel wouldn't let her go to Bailey's house by herself to visit a woman who wished her dead.

He patted the couch.  "Come an' sit.  I gotta tell you somethin'."

Fear prickled her spine at those ominous words; she could tell by his tone that it was bad.  "What's wrong?  Are you okay?" she asked as she eased herself down beside him. She felt sick at the mere thought of anything being wrong with Joel...

"I'm fine.  It's about Rachel.  I don' know how to tell you this... ain't no good way to say it..."

"Just tell me.  What did she say?  Whatever she thinks of me, it's all true, I can take it."  And Ellie _wanted_ to take it.

"No, it's not that."  Joel sighed.  "Ellie... Rachel killed herself last night."


	7. Games We Play

It was too soon for a knock at the door; lunch -- what little she'd eaten of it -- couldn't have been more than an hour ago... unless she'd spaced out hardcore while scratching her arm or something.  She ignored the knock.  Wondered if she was hallucinating _that_ now, because she certainly didn't need marijuana to perceive shit that wasn't there ( _hello, panic attacks_ ).  ...along with Joel's voice, though?  That was new.  She moved the stick to and fro between the cast and her arm.  Mostly up from the hand side, since the stupid cast went up past her elbow, severely limiting her reach on that end.  It wasn't that easy to get a solid, itch-relieving scratch.  She ought to just let herself itch, because she deserved far worse, after all... and yet she scratched.  The stick was actually called a chopstick, and Joel said people used to eat with them in olden times; it had nothing to do with chopping.  He'd started to explain it further, until he noticed Ellie wasn't interested.

The door opened, and she jumped a little.  It was only Joel, of course.  _So it WAS real._

"Sorry.  Didn' you hear me?"

She pulled the stick out of her cast and set it next to her on the floor, leaning back against the bed.  Ignored the question and scrutinized the big crate of... _what?_ in his arms.

"Matt dropped this off, thought you might want it.  He wanted to see you... but I told him you were sleepin'."

"Thanks," she said.  Joel was really good about turning unwanted visitors away.  He didn't even bother asking Ellie first now.  "What is it?"

Joel set it down close to her and squatted in front of it.  "It's some of Bailey's things.  Stuff that ain't... that don' got..." He gestured vaguely.

 _...blood and brains on it_ , Ellie assumed.  And this from a woman who 'hates violence.'

She'd done it in his room.  Maybe she'd felt closer to him in there.  Or maybe seeing his shit in there was too overwhelming and it finally pushed her over the edge.  All Ellie could do was speculate... and she had been, about everything, in the days that had passed since the funeral.  She'd forgotten that Rachel was staying with friends... what was she even doing in his room, in their house?  Especially by herself.  Had she told them she needed time alone... made them think she was okay, and then...

"You don' have to look at it, if you don' want to," Joel was saying.  "I can keep it somewhere for you, for later, or... or get rid of it..."

"No, I wanna see it."

Joel smiled a little.  "Thought you might.  I know how much your mother's-- ugh, sorry.  Didn' mean to bring that up."

In the grand scheme of things, losing her mother's switchblade that night was probably the least traumatic thing that had happened in the Incident (as Joel liked to call it now, interchangeable with 'that night').  "It's okay."

"Mind if I turn the light on?"  With her go-ahead, he switched on the lamp and settled himself next to the crate, in front of her.

"What's in here?"  She scooted closer and started to reach for something, but Joel stopped her.

"Let me do that... it ain't everythin', jus' what that one lady thought would be nice to use, or... that made good mementos, I suppose."

Joyce.  Rachel's friend.  "She wouldn't want me to have this stuff," Ellie said sadly.

"She does.  It was her idea to give it to you.  Well, to you an' Marcus."

Ellie didn't know that woman, but she knew Rachel sure as hell wouldn't want her to have anything, and that's actually who she'd been thinking of when she made the remark.  "So Marcus should have it."

"He said you should look through it first an' take what you want.  Said he didn' need any of it.  I don' think he's as... sentimental as you."

"But he deserves it more.  He didn't have anything to do with their deaths."

Joel sighed.  "No one blames you for what happened, Ellie.  Jus' look at it."

Ellie knew Joel only said things like that to try to make her feel better.  Two innocent people were dead because of her.  She knew it, everyone else knew it, and no one could convince her otherwise.

"I don' remember what he was wearin' that night, so I don' know if it's here or not... might be what he was buried in."

Ellie couldn't remember, either.  _Why can't I remember the last things he ever wore?  I was THERE._  

She bit her lip when she saw the sweatshirt Joel pulled out first.  It was navy blue, with 'Notre Dame' emblazoned across the front in peeling gold letters.  That was some popular college which Bailey of course knew nothing about, but he'd had the sweatshirt since he was ten years old (it had been way too big for him back then, but it wasn't like most people could be picky about such things).  He used to imagine going to college, the way they'd seen it depicted in movies.  She pulled it up against her face and breathed it in.  It was clean, like he hadn't worn it since it had been washed, but she still thought it held his scent -- soap, mostly, but mingled with something that was uniquely Bailey.  Tears pricked her eyes and she blinked them back furiously.

"You don' have to look at it all right now--"

She shook her head and let the shirt drop to her lap to take the next thing Joel offered her:  a jacket.  Just a plain gray thing, puffy, with a hood and pockets.  Ellie hadn't really known him that well in the winter when he wore it all the time.  She'd still take it, of course.  She would even wear it, and the sweatshirt, too.  She could leave the jeans for Marcus; he was a little bit shorter than Bailey, but lanky all the same, and they'd probably fit him well enough.

The next thing Joel pulled out was the Star Wars Monopoly game.  "If you don' want the game... thought you might at least like what's in here."  He lifted the lid and handed her a thin spiral notebook, in which Bailey had scribbled notes on the 'tournaments' he conducted between imaginary opponents, complete with dates, properties held, and monies of the last one standing.  Just like Rachel had described.

Ellie almost smiled at this, imagining Bailey amusing himself with the game in such a dorky way, but it was too fucking painful seeing his handwriting.  The last used page was dated prior to them getting together (though just barely), so maybe he hadn't been fibbing when he said he'd stopped doing it. 

Joel set the game box aside.  "The game can go back to the store--"

"No -- I want it... all of it," she managed to say without choking up.

Joel said the glasses Bailey used to wear sometimes -- when he needed to see better, like for reading or work -- were being given to someone else in need of them, as eyewear was too scarce a commodity for someone to keep and not use.  In the old days, people went to doctors who specialized in eyesight and had the things custom-made, so they could see perfectly and wouldn't get headaches from using them.  Ellie wished Bailey could have had a pair like that.  Other items in the crate were a beat-up stuffed dog he'd managed to hang onto since he was a little kid... an action figure Ellie didn't recognize, some huge-muscled dude with green skin and purple pants (Bailey had told her his name once but she'd forgotten)... and another spiral notebook in which he'd started writing a bare-bones version of the next book in a series that had never been finished.  Something about fire and ice.  He'd written like twenty pages.  Ellie had wanted to read the series, figuring that by the time she was done with all the books, he'd have his version of what comes next ready for her to read.  He had said maybe they could keep writing more then... work on it together.

It seemed so stupid now.  _Everything_ did; not him doing it then, but her doing it now.  She'd deprived the world of such a bright light, of someone who was happy, who loved life and brought joy to others.

She wanted it all.  Everything from the crate.  And she wanted to be left alone with it.

Of course.  She was always alone.  Except she had Joel, so she wasn't _truly_ alone in the world ( _was that how Rachel felt? Her friends and her students weren't enough to keep her tethered to this world?_ ).  Ellie _was_ grateful for Joel.  He just couldn't help her.  Sensing his anger and disappointment and disgust with her made her feel worse than when she was by herself -- and feeling that way whenever he saw her couldn't have been much fun for _him_ , either. 

As the days went by, Joel kept trying to talk to her about it, about anything and everything, but she just couldn't... except to have a big argument about whether or not she needed to have a gun in her room.

_"I don' want you doin' somethin' stupid with it."_

_"I won't!  I swear!"_

_"Maybe you think you won't, now... but it's an impulse thing..."_

_"Joel, I WON'T.  Don't you trust me?"_

_"It ain't about trust."_

_"You DON'T trust me."_

_"You're... not thinkin' so clearly, right now."_

_"But I NEED it!"_

_"No you don't.  You have me."_

_"What if someone breaks in, and you're asleep--"_

_"No one's gonna break in.  An' I'd wake up if they did."_

_"Maybe you wouldn't."_

_"I would.  If by some miracle I didn't?  You yell for me -- I'll hear that."_

She did yell for him sometimes... just not out loud.  Not that terrible night, when he'd been too far away from her.  Not in her nightmares or visions or whatever-the-fuck they were, which seemed to have a way of eating her screams.  Occasionally he did hear something and come to her room... whether it was because her voice did actually work those times, or he could hear her panicked breathing, she didn't know.  But she would never let him hold her.  She'd scoot into the corner and curl up into herself on the floor and sometimes start counting her breathing pains again, which helped her calm down.  Some part of her did register that Joel was there, sitting on the floor just a few feet away, a soothing presence... and she was somewhat comforted.  According to Joel, he tried to talk to her on these occasions, and she never heard him... she fuzzed his voice away, without even realizing it.

She never remembered him leaving, but at some point, she would notice that he'd left.

She did feel bad for him, being stuck with her, waiting for a day that would never come -- the day she was 'all better.'  Back to being the Ellie who was fun and lovable.

Seeing Ellie playing with the game board seemed to give Joel some hope at first.  She imagined him thinking, _"Oh good, she's back to normal now, she wants to do fun things again."_   But then he'd notice _how_ she was playing.  She would take all the little plastic spaceship pieces out, the ones imprinted on little cubes and the larger triangular ships, and painstakingly line them up in perfect little rows along the edges of the board.  She would take the colorful property cards or play money and arrange them in various patterns.  Her room was too dark to see the colors well, but she could distinguish light and dark.  All of it was laid out very meticulously. 

It was slow, methodical, mindless busywork that lulled her into a stupor.  Sometimes she dozed off, faceplanting on her works of art, and she'd wake up to find her drool soaking into the money or pooling on the board.

Eventually she'd reach a point where every scrap of money, every token, every ship piece was all used up in whatever perfect little abstract picture she was creating.  This should have pleased her.  For reaching her goal, pointless as it was.  Instead, it rendered her inexplicably angry, and she'd flip the board over, or pound on it with the action figure to mess everything up.  She was fairly brutal to that little guy.  One time, she threw the toy against the opposite wall so hard she was surprised it didn't break.  But she quickly learned that making noise like that summoned Joel -- it could even wake him from sleeping.  She didn't want to try to explain anything to him, and she certainly didn't want him to worry about her any more than he already did, so she'd answer his questions about what happened or what she was doing with a sullen _"Nothing"_ or two, and he'd eventually leave her in peace... to slowly put everything back inside the box in its proper place.  Only after this was done could she start to build a new pattern -- which made no sense, but how much sense did it make for her to do all this stupid shit in the first place?

There were times she questioned the bizarre nature of her 'playing,' but if she was in the frame of mind to question it, it meant she was in danger of _thinking_ too much, and that was to be avoided at all costs.  There was nothing good to think about, and there never would be again.  Knowing that she'd done it to herself was the worst.  She'd poisoned everything.  The best days of her life were over, and she had no idea how to move on to whatever she was supposed to do next, knowing that.  How did people do it back in 2013?  _Most of them died..._   How did _Joel_ do it, after losing Sarah... his home... his way of life?  Oh, she knew he didn't handle it in the healthiest of ways, that it took him years and years to heal.  But how did he even _function_ , in those early days?  She'd never asked him that.  She wasn't sure it was something he'd want to talk about, even though he'd talked about Sarah plenty over the course of the past year.  His daughter wasn't a taboo topic anymore.

Ellie didn't have to think about _anything_ when she played with the game board.  And when she grew tired of it, she could lay on her bed and stare at the ceiling.  Either way, she was essentially 'leaving' herself, and that seemed to be the only way she could cope with _being_ that self.  Even so, she could never fully escape Tony and Pete (and even David, once in a while... as if the motherfuckers had joined forces to torment her).  They reminded her all too often who and what she was.  She heard their menacing voices... their grunts and groans as they hurt her for their own satisfaction.  Rachel's anguished sobbing.  That strange sound Bailey made before he collapsed.  Her own screams -- useless, powerless noise.  Silent noise, even, in her dreams.  _All_ of it was silent to everyone but her.  No one understood how real it all was.  _"It's all in your head... you're okay now..."_ -But it fucking _happened_.  Joel's ignorance made him deaf to it; it wasn't his fault.  He hadn't been there, he didn't _know_ \-- and she wasn't about to try to take him there, either, by letting him inside her head where it was still happening.

At least the Monopoly game minimized the noise... made her less receptive to it.  She didn't care if Joel thought she was a nutjob.

He offered to play the game with her the regular way.  He asked if she would try out other types of games.  Puzzle type games where you had to figure out what words went where, or find the words in a jumble of letters, or arrange numbers in order in boxes.  He thought she might like some little building block toys meant for kids, due to how she 'played' with the little spaceships.  She wearily refused them all.  One time he even went so far as to cheerfully announce that he would be working on a jigsaw puzzle in the other room and would she please come help him put it together.  She gave him a withering look, and he dropped the act.

She physically couldn't play the guitar, but she could listen to Joel play, and she could sing -- only in theory.  She couldn't actually do those things, either.  Wouldn't even try.  Even when he tried to play her a sad song, one that she'd been drawn to before... it was called "Tears In Heaven," and Joel had said this guy wrote it after his little boy died.  When Ellie was sad about the death of a ten-year-old girl named Mandy the previous summer, Joel had taught her the song, and practicing it had seemed to help her work through her grief.  Even if she doubted the existence of heaven, it felt nice to believe in it sometimes.  If monsters were real, couldn't the good stuff be real too?

But that was different.  Why couldn't Joel _see_ that?  Mandy's death was an accident: she fell from a tree.  Ellie hadn't done anything to cause it.  She hadn't witnessed it.  Mandy hadn't even been a friend, not really... they'd spent very little time together.  It had hit Ellie hard because she'd taken a liking to the kid, that's all.  Mandy was a tomboy.  A loner.  An orphan.  Scrappy and tough, but with an air of innocence about her... she was still _child_ -like.  Joel had once said that she seemed like a mini-Ellie.  A younger -- and therefore, less fucked up -- version of herself.  But Mandy _was_ fucked up.  Even though the girl never told her about her life prior to Jackson, Ellie just knew it somehow.  Most kids were in one way or another.

Joel had been fond of her, too, and her death had been a painful reminder of Sarah's, even though the circumstances were so different.  He and Ellie had mourned the loss together.  They were able to console each other.  The senselessness of it had given Ellie an inkling of understanding of how shocking death must have been in the old world, when it wasn't so commonplace.  When most people -- at least in Joel's region -- lived for decades, many of them dying as elders.  In Ellie's world, she could understand people dying from infected, or hunters, or a fatal disease, or freezing to death in a blizzard.  But... just _falling?_   No outside elements at work at all?  Something about the tragedy of such a death had shaken her.

It wasn't surprising, really, that Joel wanted to do 'guitar therapy' now... but Ellie challenged him to find a more appropriate song first, one about getting raped and beaten and causing the death of someone special, plus another innocent to boot.  Or a song about being cursed, because hers was literally the kiss of death:  first Riley, then Bailey.  Then when he ignored the sarcasm and actually tried to get her to listen to some songs _he_ deemed appropriate but couldn't _possibly_ be (Ellie was sure they'd be about generic sadness), she screamed at him and told him she never wanted to hear that guitar again. 

That was the end of that.

Joel also tried to interest her in her tomato plants... he would bring up the topic, and she could tell he was trying to get her to ask him how they were doing.  To display -- to _feel_ \-- some curiosity.  She felt nothing.  She assumed Joel was taking care of them for her now.  For some reason, it was irritating to imagine him doing that.  Shouldn't she have thought it was sweet?  After a couple of his attempts to engage her, she finally snapped at him that she didn't give a fuck whether they lived or died. 

And that was the end of _that_.

He even brought her a special visitor all the way from the dam -- Buckley, the old dog that lived up there.  He was so old he slept most of the time.  Joel thought she might enjoy taking care of him, and figured Buckley would be perfectly content to sleep in Ellie's room most of the day.  Ellie had kind of freaked out, though... she was sure the dog would die if left in her care.  Buckley was too trusting, too innocent, too _pure_ to be around the likes of her, and she wouldn't even allow herself the pleasure of petting him.  She didn't explain all that to Joel, though; she just asked him to please take the dog away.

She began refusing _all_ visitors, even Tommy and Maria.  Because what was the fucking point?  She didn't want to talk about herself, and didn't want to listen to whatever they might tell her about their own lives.  Joel thought she might at least find some comfort in talking to Marcus, the only other person who'd known Bailey well and who obviously wanted to help her... Ellie refused him, too.  She didn't care that he'd brought her some cassettes he thought she might like (Joel saved these for her, in case she changed her mind, but she just couldn't listen to music now, on the guitar or otherwise). 

Joel grew frustrated with her.  Or, _more_ frustrated, as it were.  Instead of automatically turning everyone away for her like he'd been doing, he started announcing the visitors to her -- as if she might actually change her mind.  Even if it was someone he knew without a doubt she wouldn't see, like Nana or Matt or some religious do-gooder who didn't give a shit about her and was just doing their duty as a good citizen, visiting the pitiful sinner in her cell.  She never agreed to see them, and he _knew_ she didn't want to bullshit with these people.  Was he just _trying_ to irritate her?

She certainly irritated _him_.

"Ellie, you can't spend the rest of your life in this room," he declared one day from the doorway, arms crossed over his chest like he meant business.

"Watch me."  She was sitting on the floor, her seat of choice these days.

"You ain't even tryin'."

"I go to the bathroom," she sassed him.  Only because he wouldn't get her a pot for the room.

"Sure, when you have to go.  That don' count."

"I take baths sometimes.  Long ones.  That's a couple hours out of the room right there."

"You do," he conceded, then countered, "You won' even wash your hair, though."

Her hair hung around her face in limp, greasy strands.  "There's no point."

"I've told you a dozen times, I can do it for you if it's too difficult."

 _I said there's NO POINT, not that it's too hard!_  "No thanks."

"I could wash it in the sink.  Yeah, let's do that."

"I don't _want_ to," she growled.

"Come on.  Get up," he barked at her.  He was apparently trying to get tough now, since coddling didn't make her do what he wanted.

She stayed slouched on the floor, concentrating on grinding a pewter token into the carpet.  Ellie had no idea which character the token represented.  Bailey would have known, of course.  He'd known lots of things.  A head full of facts and memories, everything he'd ever learned or experienced or thought about, just... _nothing_ , now.  A heart full of love, wasted.

"Ellie.  Come on."

"I don't feel good," she mumbled.

Joel was undeterred.  "Tough shit, now get up."

"No!  I feel really shitty, Joel, I swear."  Not a lie.  Her back ached.  Her stomach was queasy.  Her ribs still made every breath ache.  Her arm didn't hurt, but it itched.  Mostly she just didn't fucking _want_ to do something as indulgent as washing her stupid hair.  Like she had any reason to make herself less disgusting.  Her head itched, too, probably from all the dirt, but she wouldn't scratch it in front of Joel.

He stopped short of physically making her get up.  Ellie could practically see the thought cross his mind, then get discarded as a bad idea.  And she could see that she was really pissing him off. 

But after a few tense moments, he softened.  He sank to the floor by the door, leaned back against the wall, and looked at her sadly, defeated.  "I don' know what to do for you.  What you need from me.  What can I do?"

"Nothing!  I told you, there's nothing you can do.  No offense.  If there was anyone who _could_ do something for me, it would be you.  But you can't fix it.  You can't bring Bailey and Rachel back.  You can't make me be... _not_ a stupid idiot, or unbroken... un-raped."

"Don't--"  The ugly word made him wince, and whatever he'd been about to say -- something honest, no doubt -- was replaced by words more carefully chosen.  "You are _not_ stupid.  You did somethin' reckless -- that don' make you a stupid person.  An' no, maybe I can't do all that.  I _can_ help you, though.  You jus' won' let me."

"Because you can't!"

"I can.  I can start by washin' your hair for you."

 _Seriously, Joel?!_   "Who gives a fuck about my hair?!"

"I do.  You have pretty hair."

"Fuck you -- nothing about me is pretty!  Not-- not since--"

"Not true," he insisted.  "You're lookin' better.  A month from now you'll look jus' about the same as before."

Ellie made a point of not looking at herself in the mirror these days if she could help it.  The bruises on her face must have been fading, probably yellowish now instead of blue or purple.  It wasn't even about her appearance, though.  Not really.

"Doesn't matter.  I'm--" _...nothing I can say out loud._

"You're what?" Joel prompted after a moment.

 _Disgusting.  Vile.  Irreparably damaged._   She couldn't say any of this, though, because it would be a cue for Joel to lie and tell her she wasn't.  It was like a game, each of them figuring out what should be withheld from the other, making assumptions about the things that went unsaid.  It was exhausting, in a way.

"You can't help me," she repeated quietly.  He could just play fill-in-the-blank in his head.

"Talk to me, Ellie," Joel pleaded.  "Tell me what you're thinkin', what you're feelin'... I won' judge you or nothin'.  You used to talk to me--"

"Yeah, well, I used to do a lot of things," she said nastily.  She looked around for the chopstick, wincing as she scooted a little to reach it.  Joel made no move to help her; it was on her other side, further away from him, but even if it hadn't been, she wondered if he'd finally tired of her constantly refusing even small gestures of help like that.  She slid the stick up beneath her cast, from the hand side.

Joel sighed.  "You're not pokin' at the skin, right?  Jus' slidin' it back an' forth?"

"Right."  Dr. Choi had told her not to use the stick, had told Joel not to _let_ her do it, when he'd made a 'house call' (Ellie had accepted the visit because the alternative was to be dragged to the clinic) and she'd dutifully agreed to stop, knowing even as she said it that it was a lie.  Unless Joel took the stick away from her... but he was the one who had procured it for her in the first place, and he let her keep it.  She knew he would.

Joel watched her poke at her arm.  "You used to let me hug you, if you had a nightmare, or jus'... were feelin' down... why won't you let me now?"

 _Because I'm disgusting, vile, and irreparably damaged!_ she thought again.  She had no answer for him.  She wasn't sure she understood it completely herself.

"Does it make you think of... do I remind you of it, somehow, when--"

"No!"  She couldn't let him think _that_.  Couldn't even let him try to finish that sentence.  "No, it's just... hugs don't help."  It was her go-to answer, for any question like that -- that whatever it was didn't help.  It was the perfect response, because it was always fucking _true_.

"Sure they do.  They did be--" Joel caught himself before she could give her usual argument.  "Before, yes, but it don' have to be different now.  Not _every_ thin' is different.  You an' me... that's the same, ain't it?"

He was genuinely asking her.  _Is he really that fucking clueless?_   "No, it's not," she said crossly.  "You want me to be Ellie.  Ellie was a stupid asshole who went and got her boyfriend and his mom killed and got herself... destroyed.  I can't _be_ that person--"

"No.  It wasn' your fault.  I know you don' believe me, but I'm gonna keep sayin' it until you do.  You didn' know any of that was gonna happen, that those motherfuckers would be out there -- you didn' set out to _hurt_ anyone.  An' you're still Ellie.  Whether you wanna be or not.  I don' expect you to be anyone else."

She _so_ did not feel like having this conversation.  "You wanna help me?  Jus' leave me alone!"

"I've _been_ leavin' you alone -- ain't done you no good," he said wearily.

"What do you want from me?  You _do_ want me to be different!"

Joel remained calm.  "I want you to _try_."

"I try plenty.  I eat."  Mostly to keep him off her back about eating.

"You barely eat," he corrected her. 

"I'm not hungry!  You want me to be hungry and I'm not.  I have no appetite.  That's not something you can force."

"I don' wanna _force_ you."

"Right.  You just want me to be _different_.  Well, I'm not!  I'm sure it's a pain in the ass, having to deal with me... you don't have to, you know.  Just let me have one of the guns for protection and you can go.  I don't--" She caught herself before she said something that would generate a pity response.  "There's nothing you can do for me anyway, so why would you even _want_ to be here?"

Joel stared at her.  "I ain't leavin' you, Ellie.  You're family."

 _Shit, if he starts talking about family I'm going to cry._   "I'm not _really_ , though.  I'm not your real daughter.  I'm not..."  _I'm not anything._   She certainly wasn't the Ellie he'd signed up for when he took on the role of her father.  "Look, I'm doing the best I can, okay?  I'm breathing.  It hurts, but I still do it.  I can't... _deal_ with other stuff on top of..." She let the thought trail off, the look on Joel's face arresting her.

He didn't look angry, for a change.  He looked... bewildered.  Forlorn, even.  He was quiet.  Sifting his thoughts, trying to come up with something helpful to say that wasn't a lie, and finding nothing -- or so Ellie assumed.  "All right, kiddo," he said finally.  "I'll leave you alone.  But as far as I'm concerned, you may as well be my daughter.  I thought you knew that.  I won't turn my back on you.  Jus' holler if you need anythin'."

Knowing full well she never hollered.  There _wasn't_ anything she needed from him, except what he was already giving her -- space, and security.  He probably just said it automatically, as a form of 'goodbye.'

Maybe the 'real daughter' comment was going too far.  Maybe she should apologize... Except that, too, was the fucking truth.  They were just playing house.  Joel didn't love her the way he loved Sarah.  He couldn't possibly, especially now.  She was lucky she got even a fraction of that love -- it was still more than she'd ever had with anyone else.  If she tried to explain, he would just feel obligated to lie to make her feel better.  ...or, worse, maybe he _wouldn't_ lie.  Maybe he'd tell her that all this recent shit _had_ changed things after all.

Best to just let it go.  And Joel didn't bring it up, either.

Ellie saw even less of him than usual over the next few days.  He brought her meals... he asked the perfunctory questions about how she was feeling (which she never really answered satisfactorily)... he quietly sat near her during a panic attack... he reminded her to do her ankle exercises... he made sure she knew he was available if she needed anything.  But he didn't push her to break out of her comfort zone, and he didn't attempt to engage her in any sort of meaningful conversation.  He was still angry, like he'd always been... but there was something different about the tension in the air now.  Like the weight of it was getting heavier, and harder to bear.

It made her uneasy enough that one day when he brought her breakfast, she blurted out, "Are we okay?"

"What?  Sure we are," he replied easily.  Sincerely.  With no hesitation or doubt.  "Why wouldn' we be?"

And then she wondered if she'd imagined it.  "I dunno..."

"You wanted space, yeah?"

"Yeah... but..."

He sat beside her on the floor.  "But?"

"Nothing."

"Did you wanna talk to me about something?" he asked gently.  He didn't sound annoyed or angry or anything.

"No... nevermind."  She started nibbling on an apple slice from the plate he'd brought her.

"I really would like it if we talked, if you're willin'.  About anythin' you want."

She shook her head.

"You sure?"

"Uh-huh."  She ate slowly, silently, eyes downcast, and after another minute or so, he left, reminding her he was there if she changed her mind.  She didn't, but at least the tension wasn't suffocating anymore.

Two days later, she heard an unfamiliar, soft knock on her door -- she knew it wasn't Joel just by the knock -- followed by a familiar, but non-Joel voice: "Ellie?  You awake yet?  It's Tommy."

She'd been curled up on the floor with her face in a pile of play money.  She sat up and leaned back against the bed, rubbing her eyes.  _Why did Joel let Tommy back here?  He knows better._   Tommy's question about whether she was awake 'yet' made her think it was early morning -- not a normal time for visitors.  She felt a jolt of fear.  _What if something's happened to Joel?_   "Come in... where's Joel?"

Tommy eased the door open slowly.  He looked a bit sheepish.  "That's why I'm here."

"Where is he?!"

Tommy crouched near her.  "I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Ellie, but... Joel left.  He went out with a group to go hunt down the guys who attacked you.”


	8. Just When I Needed You Most

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from the song by Randy VanWarmer, which has got to be one of the saddest songs ever recorded (insert a "You left me" in front of the title).

_He's messing with me._   That was Ellie's first thought:  it was a joke in poor taste.  Joel wouldn't just _leave_.  Especially without saying goodbye to her.  "That's not funny, Tommy.  Where is he?"

Tommy took a seat on the floor, close to her.  "I ain’t jokin’.  He really did leave.  You know he can't stand it, what happened... not bein' able to help you... he was goin' stir-crazy, wantin' to do somethin' about it."

 _Joel's not the one going crazy!_   Ellie didn't want to hear it.  "I was gonna go with him -- he _knows_ that -- I'd have gone with him _now_ if I'd known!"

Tommy snorted.  "With a crutch an' a cast?  He'd never let you."

"The doc says my ankle's healing good -- I can walk on it okay now!"  It was true.  Joel wanted her to keep using the crutch as a precaution, because her ankle wasn't entirely stable, but she _was_ able to bear weight on it now.

"Your cast don' come off for a few more weeks though, right?"

"So?  I don't need my arm really.  I mean I can shoot with my other hand."

Tommy shook his head.  "Joel never mentioned takin' you with him.  I don' think he ever intended to.  He worries too much about you, an' you're a hell of a lot safer here."

 _I'm safe with HIM.  Wherever we are._   Maybe Joel thought she was too weak now... a liability, something that would only slow him down.  Ellie decided to shift gears; she glared at Tommy.  "Why'd you let him go?  Did you tell him to leave without even saying goodbye?"

"Let him go?" Tommy scoffed.  "My brother does what he wants to do.  Ain't no stoppin' him.  The only one who coulda stopped him was you.  An' he knew it."

 _The fucking coward!_ she raged in her head.  She couldn't really be angry with Tommy for Joel leaving.  But... "You could've told me," she said accusingly.

"I'm tellin' you now.  It only jus' came about yesterday.  At least he didn' jus' take off on his own.  -Kinda surprised he didn't, actually.  It's him an' four other guys.  Marcus was one of 'em.  The youngest.  Joel wasn' sure about takin' him along -- he's only eighteen -- but he was plenty persuasive, I guess."

Ellie wished she'd been given the chance to do some persuading of her own.  "How did he even... he was at the house the whole time..."  Did she space out through Joel having a bunch of visitors?  Some kind of meeting during which this was planned?

"Not the whole time, no.  He came up to the house and asked if I could stay with you a while.  Said he had some shit to do.  I didn' know what it was 'til he came back.  He was gone a couple hours."

"You were here yesterday," Ellie stated the question.

"Yep.  You were asleep when I got here an' asleep when I left."

 _I slept for over two hours straight?_   She didn't think she was capable of that anymore.  She really _had_ lost sense of time.  "You could've woken me up to tell me," she grumbled.

"I could have," Tommy admitted.  "You can be mad at me for that.  Whatever I did for one of you was bound to upset the other, so..."

"You chose him."  Because why wouldn't he?  Joel was family, Ellie was nothing.

"I didn' think of it as a choice, it was more like… not fuckin' up his plans."

"Why didn't you go with him?"  She already knew the answer to that one.  "-Because of me.  Right?  Someone's gotta babysit?  You made it real easy for him, didn't you:  'Don't worry, brother, I'll take care of her, you just go on and don't worry about Ellie.'"

Tommy sighed.  "Joel was real torn about leavin' you.  He couldn' leave you alone, so yeah, he asked me an' I agreed."

"So why couldn't you go and Joel could stay..." she started to ask miserably.  She already knew the answer to that one, too.

"Then he'd still be sittin' on his ass doin' nothin' -- his words, not mine.  He _had_ to go.  I think he kinda blames himself for what happened."

"What?  That's crazy -- what does he think he could've done?!"

"I don' know.  He didn' say nothin' to that effect... it's jus' the feelin' I got off him.  I reckon he feels like he's supposed to protect you, an' he didn't."

"He was fucking _sleeping_!  I made sure he didn't hear me leave.  There's no way he can think it's his fault."  Unless, once again, he was lying to himself.  But why would he?  Did it make him feel better about leaving or something?  It still made no fucking sense.  "You _have_ to be wrong about that." 

"I could be.  For what it's worth, I did try to talk him out of it.  For all of about thirty seconds.  Slim odds or not, he says he has to at least _try_ to find 'em."

Ellie sighed.  "He doesn't even know what they look like, I could barely tell him anything... he doesn't know where they were going..."

"You gave him enough to go on.  You told him about the missin' tooth, an' meetin' at the fork..."

"That could be anywhere!"

"We believe it might be the intersection jus' south of the lake, close to where y'all were at.  I think they could've heard you splashin' an' such from there."

"Okay, say that _guess_ is correct -- they still could've gone either way when they got there!  Three ways, actually, cuz we don't even know what direction they came from!"  Ellie wished she'd kept her stupid mouth shut about such a vague _nothing_ non-fact that gave Joel an excuse to say he had some idea where to go.

"I realize that.  That's why I think it's a longshot.  Unless they have a settlement somewhere an' stay put for Joel an' company to find 'em.  It's all dirt roads over there, but not the maze-like ones to the north... they might've been headin' for the one-ninety-one, goin' south.  Trail's prob'ly gone a bit cold by now but maybe they'll find somethin'..."

"Did he say how long he was gonna look?"

"No.  I think the others will wanna come back before too long, an' they'll prob'ly convince Joel to as well if they don' find nothin'... in like a week maybe?  I really don' know."

A week.  Would she last a week?  She and Joel had never been apart for more than a _day_.  Her need for him ran deeper than any attachment she'd ever had in her life.  She'd be lost without him.  _You're already lost,_ a voice in her head reminded her.  But... _he_ wasn't.  And she needed him safe.  Anything could happen to them out there.  They might never come back.  Now came the tears... "He _promised_ he wouldn't leave me.  He fucking _promised!"_

The pity on Tommy's face sickened her.  "I'm so sorry, Ellie, I really am.  I don' think he looks at it as leavin', exactly..." He started shifting closer, leaning forward to lay a hand on her shoulder.

Ellie jerked backwards before he even touched her, and he stayed put.  "But that's what he did!  He _left!_   There's no other word for it."  In Joel's mind, it probably counted less because he left her with family.

"But he didn' abandon you.  He'll be back."

"You don't know that!"

"I do know it.  You know how tough he is.  What a survivor he is.  An' he's got loads of gear, an' a team of people helpin' out.  An' if that ain't enough, he's got motivation to get his ass back here:  you."  He gave her a small smile.

She blinked back the annoying tears and shook her head.  "He hates how I am now, Tommy.  If anything, I drove him away... I'll be the thing that _keeps_ him away."

Tommy didn't seem at all surprised by this remark, which made her wonder if he and Joel had discussed this shit.  "No, Ellie.  It wasn' you.  He hates seein' you in pain... seein' what was done to you... _that's_ what he can't stand.  He felt helpless, jus' stewin' over everythin' an' not doin' nothin' about it."

It sounded plausible, although she could still imagine Joel coaching Tommy on what he should say to make her feel better -- as if anything he said could do that.  Ellie groaned in frustration.  She was angry at Joel, but she was to blame, too; how many times had she told him he couldn't help her?  Why hadn't she been nicer to him? -told him he _was_ helping, just by being there?  But -- but!  She'd fucking _asked_ him if they were 'okay,' and he'd made her think they were.  _Now I can't even tell when he's lying?_  "He's not helping me by ditching me," she muttered.

"Well, he feels like he is.  Makin' sure justice gets served.  That those sons of bitches pay for what they did."

"That's not for me, it's for him.  It's not worth it to me if he gets himself killed.  And-- and he might kill innocent people cuz I'm not there to say if-- pffff, he won't care, will he.  You know he won't.  Anyone fitting the description... who looks mean, or whatever..."

"I don' think he'll jus' blindly shoot people, no.  He'll question 'em.  See if they've got your switchblade maybe?  A gun that looks like yours?  See if they're missin' any teeth.  Shit like that."

"And risk getting shot or something?"  Ellie would rather he just kill everyone in sight in that case.

"Well, no, I reckon he'd restrain 'em somehow first if he felt they were dangerous."

"The second guy I couldn't describe very well, though.  So he'll just kill whoever's with the person fitting the first guy's description?"

Tommy frowned.  "Prob'ly.  He never was very... discerning, I s'pose you could say, when it came to killin' folks.  If they keep company with assholes he'd figure they're the same, that they deserve it anyway."

"If they don't kill him first."

"Honey, it's _Joel_.  Things that would kill most people don't faze him.  An' he's with a group of people... they'll have each other's backs, if it comes to that.  Don' worry about him."

Ellie scoffed.  "Are _you_ not worried about him?"

"Nope.  He'll be fine."

Ellie figured he was lying, at least a teensy bit, but there was no point trying to get him to admit it.  She swiped at her eyes.  "Okay, well, you don't have to babysit me, I can take care of myself."  She could see that Tommy didn't believe that.  It was true, though; she just _chose_ not to take very good care of herself.

"Be that as it may, I ain't leavin' you alone.  You'll come stay at the house with us."

"No way!  I'm not going anywhere.  This is my room.  This is-- I'm staying."

"It ain't open for debate.  I'm sorry.  Between me, Maria, an' Pops, we'll make sure you're never alone.  An' don' worry, Joel reminded me about your little garden; we'll stop by an' take care of it."

Ellie snorted.  Did Tommy really think she gave a shit about the fucking tomatoes now?  Apparently Joel had been serious, because Tommy wasn't joking about that, either.  For some reason, it infuriated her to think of Joel even remembering to mention it to him at all.  "You guys can move in here if you want, but I'm not leaving," Ellie said stubbornly.

"This house is too small for all of us.  Besides, our house is more centrally located, there's a TV there, you can watch movies--"

"I don't _want_ to watch movies!  I want-- can't I just..." She trailed off helplessly.

"You can have the extra bedroom.  You can stay in there if you wanna be alone, jus' come down for meals--"

"I eat in my room.  Nowhere else."  With new inspiration, she gestured to her ankle and added, "You want me to go up and down the stairs all day long like this?"  Conveniently dismissing what she'd said earlier about being able to walk.

Tommy hadn't forgotten, though.  "You could manage.  But... no, I won't ask you to do that.  You can do exactly as you do here, if that's what you want."

Petty and ridiculous though it was, what Ellie really wanted was to be left alone, right there in her room, to wither away and die so that when Joel came back, he'd regret that he ever left her.  That would show him.  Maybe he thought she'd be better off without him.  That by the time he got back, she'd be shitting rainbows, all 'cured.'  Ready to go back to being the Ellie he loved. 

"Can you board up the window like the one in here?" she asked.

"Why do you--"

"Can you do it, or not?"

"You're perfectly safe on the second fl--"

"Can you do it, or not?!" she repeated.

"...sure."

"Today?  Like, right now?"

"Soon as I can get someone to bring me what I need.  Today, yes."

"Okay.  Sorry Joel stuck you with me," she added.

"Oh yeah, he owes me for this, big time."  He waited for her to laugh, or maybe make some smartass remark.  Some reaction that didn't come.  "Ellie, you don' gotta apologize.  I'm glad to help you.  Maria'n'her dad are, too.  They'll be back tomorrow."

Ellie didn't ask where they were; it wasn't like she cared.  She didn't know Maria's dad, Ed (or Eddie, as some called him), very well.  He seemed to like Ellie okay.  That didn't mean he wanted her staying in his house.  But it wasn’t like she wanted to be there, either.  He could be mad at Joel, like she was, if he was gonna be mad about it.  And she'd certainly stay out of everybody's way.

She'd be a ghost, a benign one... creepy but harmless, haunting her dark little tower.

 

* * *

 

Ellie's new room wasn't so different from her old one.  The walls and ceiling bore her staring just as well, her princess nightlight provided the same amount of light... the air still sucked up her silent screams after she had a nightmare.  At her request, Tommy even shoved the bed into the same corner of the room as hers had been.  The biggest difference, of course, was that Joel wasn't the one tapping on her door.  Her heart would leap at the sound (if she was awake; she still kept odd hours), then plummet when the source of the knock was someone other than Joel.  After a few times, she stopped expecting it to be him.  She knew better.  She'd always known better... it just took her heart a little while to catch up to her brain.

She kept messing with the board game, but only at night, after dinner, when she expected to have the longest stretch of no one interrupting her.  For some reason, she didn't want anyone there to see her weirdness.  She confined everything to the game board so that if she lost track of time and breakfast was arriving before she'd set it all right, she could quickly slide it under the bed where no one would see.  There was always enough time between the knock and the door opening to do this, especially if she didn't answer.  Tommy had brought her alarm clock over from the house and set it up next to her bed, but she promptly unplugged it; she didn't need to know what fucking time it was.

She spent more time staring at the ceiling than doing anything else, usually in the company of Bailey's little stuffed dog.  Her thoughts often centered on Joel.  Wondering where he was, if he was okay, when he was coming back.

What she should have done differently.

Maybe he didn't realize that when she wanted to be alone, she didn't want to be _alone_ -alone.  She wanted him around, always.  Didn't he know that?  He was a _part_ of her.  She wanted to know he was there with her.  Had she ever made that clear?  She thought she had, but maybe all he knew was she never wanted to talk to him, never wanted comfort from him... no wonder he felt useless.  She was still angry at him for leaving -- he'd promised her he wouldn't, and then left without even fucking saying goodbye! -- but ultimately, it was her fault.  No matter what anyone else said.  She could have faked it.  Made it _look_ like she was trying to be normal.  That was all he wanted -- the effort.  Something that told him she wasn't a complete waste of space, that made him feel like he was helping her, that she was listening to him, that she found solace in his presence... that she needed him.  Which was so frustrating because she _did_ fucking need him!  How could he not _feel_ that she did?

It hurt.  And she realized how much he must have been hurting when he said _"I thought you knew that"_ to her -- after she'd made that stupid remark about them not being family.

 _And right after he said that, he said he wouldn't turn his back on you, then proceeded to make plans to do exactly that_ , she reminded herself. 

She could fuel her anger with shit like that, and let the fury consume her, leaving no room to feel the pain.  When the fiery anger burned itself out, she'd be left with just the ashes -- feeling nothing. 

That formula seemed to work decently for her.

Her three housemates were usually pretty good about leaving her alone, although one time, shortly after Ellie's arrival there, Maria tried to talk to her about depression.  She sat with Ellie in her room, on the floor, sharing a plate of scrambled eggs off an overturned crate.  Ellie was only picking at them.

"Ellie, I think you're depressed."

"Well, duh."

"I'm not talking about feeling sad... it's more than that.  It's a clinical thing.  Losing interest in everything, disordered thinking, feeling like... well, _not_ feeling things, so much, and definitely not positive emotions... withdrawing from people..."

 _That does sound like me..._   Ellie felt sad sometimes too, but more often than not, she was angry or she wasn't feeling anything -- by design, though, so maybe it didn't count.  And yet... she should have been worried as shit about Joel, at the very least, but it almost felt like he wasn't real.  Like she'd made him up or something.  She'd never had a dad -- Joel was only pretending.  Make-believe, a fairytale, a dream that fades away as soon as you open your eyes... that's all he was.

When she remained silent, Maria continued.  "Before, you would have been given anti-depressants to help you feel better."

"...okay?  So..."

"So... right, it doesn't matter, since we can't do that for you, but... well, it's just something I'm familiar with -- or used to be.  From my mother."

"Oh."  Ellie couldn't remember Maria ever talking about her mother before.

"She died not too long after the outbreak."  Maria spoke about her mother calmly, in between bites of breakfast.  "I think seeing the world go to hell was too much for her to take.  It was hard even for the strongest of people to handle.  She was strong in her own way, but after losing everything... Plus, it didn't help that we couldn't get her her meds, after."

"That sucks."  Ellie didn't really know what to say to any of that.  She stabbed a bite of egg and nibbled on it.

"There were days she couldn't even get out of bed," Maria continued.  "I'm not going to tell you I know how you're feeling.  I don't.  None of us do.  And for you, it's like... situational.  Right?  Or has this happened before?"

She shook her head.  She'd been hurt before, and lost plenty of people in her life, but had always found a way to soldier on... until now.  How strange that someone in the old world, someone who presumably had _everything_ , or at least many things of value -- a family, food, shelter, health, comfort -- would ever feel that lousy.  It was hard not to think of all those pre-Cordyceps people as spoiled, ungrateful... with no real problems like what people faced nowadays.  Maybe someone else would think the same thing about _her,_ though.  _I totally took Joel for granted..._

"I know you're not necessarily like my mom," said Maria.  "Everyone's unique.  And what you've been through... you're traumatized, that makes it different.  She would have these... episodes, I guess you could call them... and afterwards she'd try to explain to us what it was like.  So... I know you're not _choosing_ to sit up here in the dark all the time -- no, the nightlight doesn't count.  I know you're not simply... focusing on the negative and discounting the positive... there _is_ no positive.  Not that you can access, anyway.  Is that right?"

"I guess... but that's because it's true.  It's not a matter of... access, or whatever."

"It's what it feels like to you.  That doesn't make it true," Maria said, not unkindly.

Ellie tried, in vain, to suppress her irritation.  "So I should feel happy that I was assaulted, and I killed my boyfriend and his mom, and drove my dad-type person away--"

"No!  No.  You didn't do those things, but that's not what I'm saying.  There is no 'should.'  Only what _is_.  Whatever you're feeling, or not feeling... it's okay.  We're not going to try to make you feel otherwise.  Or make you do things you don't feel like doing.  We know you're not just going to 'snap out of it.'  I'm no psychology expert, but... I think maybe there's only so much pain a person can take at one time, and this is your brain's way of protecting you, turning off your feelings..."

Ellie gulped down some juice and leaned back against the bed, indicating she was done with breakfast.  It did make some sense.  Except... "If that's what it's doing, it's doing a fucking lousy job, because I still _feel_ terrible.  And I still cry, sometimes..."  She cried for Bailey, for Joel -- she missed both of them desperately -- and even for her fucking self, or what was left of it.

Maria's smile was kind.  "Maybe it's not doing a real bang-up job, but it's trying?"

"Pffff." 

"Look, all I know is... it probably feels like you're going to feel this way forever, but you're not.  I promise you, you're not.  You will smile and laugh and be happy again."

 _Like hell I will._   So Maria really didn't know what she was talking about after all.  "I'm tired.  I don't wanna talk about this anymore."

And, true to her word in _that_ regard, at least, Maria left her alone then.

One good thing Ellie had gleaned from that conversation was that they didn't expect her to fake it; they were okay with her being however she was going to be... the Ellie doll that had forgotten how to sing and dance.  She wasn't a disappointment to them like she was to Joel.  Or maybe it just felt that way because she wasn't as _close_ to them as she was to Joel... or _had_ been to Joel... thought she'd been to Joel... Maybe Joel felt like it was his job to 'fix' her, because that's what parents do... _right?  Like I would even know._  

And now, maybe Joel felt free to be... whatever he was being, without her around to stifle his true nature.

It didn't matter if living with the three of them was easier in some ways -- she still wanted Joel.  Angry, pained, imperfect, disappointed-in-her Joel.  And if he felt like he was letting _her_ down... she didn't _care_ about that.  He didn't need to pretend with her; she would gladly take him as is, flaws and all.  How could he not fucking _know_ that?!  Hadn't they seen each other at their worst?  Long before now, even.

It didn't matter anymore; he was gone.

Ellie still got her days jumbled up, so every time someone brought her breakfast, she marked an 'x' on the back of a notebook (one of Bailey's) after she finished eating.  On the seventh day, she didn't need to count them -- she'd been anticipating this one.  Tommy was the one who brought her breakfast that day.

"It's been a week," she announced.  "You think Joel will come back today?"

Tommy looked pained.  "Oh honey I don' know, I was jus' guessin'."

"None of them have come back yet?  You haven't heard from anyone?"

"Nope.  Not yet.  We jus' gotta be patient."

She felt betrayed, for some reason.  But mostly disappointed.

After ten 'x's, Dr. Choi pronounced her ankle cured, but advised her to keep doing the stretching and exercising to strengthen it.  Tommy and Maria promised the doctor they'd make sure she did as instructed.  Ellie thought it was kind of silly to worry about her stupid ankle when she had nowhere to walk to anyway, but she complied.

After twelve 'x's, the electricity died, and not for just a blip or a few minutes like it sometimes did.  Fortunately, Ellie had been given a flashlight to replace the one she'd lost that night, because the pitch black freaked her out... invited all her demons to come out and play.  She could have used candles for longer blackout periods, like this one threatened to be, except that one of the house rules was no candles in her bedroom (she was okay with that; she didn't trust herself with them either, and her conscience was guilty enough without also burning down the house).  Still, since it was daytime, she just left her door open to let the natural light from the hallway in; no need to waste precious batteries.  She thought about going outside... she wondered if she would ever be able to enjoy simple pleasures again, like feeling the sunlight warm her, the breeze on her face... she doubted it.  She couldn't 'access' those feelings.  That was her old life.  Those things were for other people.  And it always came down to _'It doesn't fix anything anyway -- nothing will.'_

She heard voices on Ed's walkie talkie -- people at the dam, she assumed, saying stuff she either couldn't make out or that was too technical for her to understand.  What she did understand was that Tommy and Maria were heading up to the dam to deal with it.

If she didn't still feel so shitty, she might have actually forced herself to ask if there was anything she could do to help.  But she was achy and itchy and exhausted, and still one-armed, so self-pity won out.  She settled herself on the hall floor and leaned face-forward into the railing that overlooked the living room.  She felt like she might drift off to sleep like that, until Ed called up to her, jolting her to her senses.

"How're ya doin' up there, kid?"

"I'm okay," she said dully.  "Don't worry about me."

"I'm not worried.  I let the others do all the worrying."  He winked at her, and Ellie produced a half-smile for his kind effort to amuse her.  She was fond of Maria's dad.  She didn't see much, if any, family resemblance between him and Maria.  She wondered if Maria looked like her mother, and if so, did that bother the man or comfort him… or did it make no difference after so many years?

Ed cheerfully beckoned her downstairs.  "Why don'tcha come down here where there's more light?"

"No thanks."

"Only 'til they fix this power glitch.  You can go back up there before the others get home... keep your 'street cred' as a tough cookie, a lone wolf..."

Ellie snorted.  "It's not _that_.  I just... can't.  I'm too sleepy.  But I'll sit out here in the open.  Okay?"

The old man nodded.  "I'll take it.  -Excuse me."  More jibberish on the walkie talkie... Maria's voice.  Ed did more listening than talking.  Maria apparently had some idea about how to fix it.

When there was a break in the conversation, Ellie called down, "Do you need to go deal with stuff?  You don't have to stay here cuz of me."  She was constantly telling them they didn't need to babysit her.  And they were constantly telling her, good-naturedly, to shut up about it.

"Nahhhh.  Good excuse to let the young whippersnappers take care of it."

Ellie didn't know how old a 'whippersnapper' was, young or not, but she'd heard Ed refer to people Ellie's age up through Tommy's age as such, so she knew it was a broad category.  Joel, it turned out, was not a whippersnapper.  Not even an old one.  She'd asked Joel once and that was about all he gave her by way of a definition.  The whipping and snapping bit was a mystery.

She sat there with her face pressed against the spindles of the rail for what she figured was a good long while, dozing off and waking with a start, several times.

And then the most terrifying sound in all of Jackson woke her the fuck up for good:  the blaring town-wide alarm that signaled a raid, or at least a breach.

Before 'the Incident,' Ellie had been assigned to cover an area on the southeast side of their settlement, with Joel if possible.  An area that didn't see much action (although Joel had been directed elsewhere on occasion).  She'd never even encountered a bandit in the dozen or so times she’d been called to duty.  But since most people didn't have walkie talkies, it was impossible to know who was positioned where; it wasn't like everyone was always near their home or assigned location when someone sounded the alarm.  What they really needed was some kind of announcement system, like the Zone had back in Boston, through which instructions could be conveyed to the masses.  And while most Jackson residents who were _not_ in the militia got themselves to safety calmly enough, some of them freaked out.  It was usually pretty chaotic.

Ellie had never freaked out before.  She wasn't so desensitized to danger that she didn't feel scared when the alarm sounded, but there was usually a rush of... adrenaline or excitement or something like that, some thrill, that accompanied the fear.  This time, she felt pure panic.  She nearly tripped over her own feet scrambling to get down the stairs.  "I need a gun!" she cried.

Ed had already grabbed the shotgun that was mounted over the front door.  "No you don't.  You're safe here.  Lock the door behind me.  I already locked the back door."

Her mind was racing.  She couldn't breathe.

_"...Scream all you want, bitch, no one can fucking hear you..."_

"Ellie!"

Ed was trying to get her attention.  She looked at him blankly.

He put a hand on her shoulder, which seemed to ground her a little.  Enough that she heard him this time.  "Didja hear me?  Lock this door.  I'll be back, soon as I can. ...Ellie?"

She nodded dumbly.  "Lock the door," she recited.  She turned the deadbolt into place as soon as he left.  _You're safe,_ she told herself.  She was taking quick, shallow breaths.  _You're safe.  You're safe._

Ellie didn't believe herself, though -- the other voice, the self-preserving one, was louder.  _You need a gun._   Anyone could bust through a window or blast a hole in the door.  If Tommy, Maria, and Ed were telling the truth, there was no stray gun in the house, except for the one that had just gone out the door with Ed.  She'd beseeched all three of them, separately, for a gun, and none of them seemed even remotely tempted to help her.  Paranoid Joel had apparently instilled some horrific image in their brains of Ellie searching their bedrooms for a gun to turn on herself while they went about their business downstairs, oblivious.  She cursed herself for not snooping before now.

 _A knife.  You can get a knife!_  She headed to the kitchen and grabbed the biggest one from the knife block.  The blade was longer than her hand, and nearly as wide.  She still wanted a gun, though.  Still gasping for air, she frantically searched every drawer, every cupboard, every closet, every nook and cranny, every place she could think of that might house a gun.  She moved from one place to the next methodically, but in her blind panic she fretted that she might have overlooked something, so she checked everything multiple times.  Nothing.

She did the same thing upstairs.  Nothing!  And now she'd ransacked the place.

The alarm was still ringing, compounding her panic.  _You need to hide._

_"...Quit hiding behind your little boyfriend..."_

She closed her bedroom door and felt her way over to the closet.  She struggled to slide the door closed from the inside, then huddled in the corner to wait for the terror to subside.  Her ribs were hurting more now, stabbing her like they had in the beginning rather than the duller aching of late.  _Quit gasping.  Just breathe like a normal human being.  ...PRETEND you're normal..._

It was warm enough in there that she started to sweat.  And it was dark as night, although she knew it was only afternoon.  _You're safe.  They're not here.  No one's here._   She hugged herself, the good arm wrapped around the bad, still clutching the knife.  Tried not to see their faces... smell their breath... hear their voices... feel them tearing her apart.

Logically, she knew they weren't coming for her.  Even if Pete had confessed to Tony that he hadn't killed her, they'd have to be all kinds of stupid to try to get to her within a place like Jackson, where it was likely they'd get killed before they even found her.  And why would they bother?  It wasn't like she could hurt them.

The panic overrode the logic, though.  Always.  And this attack felt worse than usual... maybe because of the _real_ danger to the town? 

_Where are you, Joel?  I need you.  I NEED you!_

He couldn't hear her, of course.  No one could hear her in her own private hell anyway.

Time passed, as it always did.  Her body eventually wore itself out panicking, and she did manage to calm down and zone out.  But when she snapped out of it, she didn't know where she was for a moment, and started to panic again.  _Ssshhhh, they'll hear you.  Shut the fuck up._

The house was empty and quiet.  She was alone, and safe, but she felt like she was about to _die_.  That's what the panic did when it took over.  The terror gripped her as intensely as when she really _had_ been about to die, crumpled on the ground that night, waiting for Pete to kill her.

_No one will save you, and you can't save yourself:  you're fucked._

 

* * *

 

_"Ellie?"_

A bright light was shining in her face, blinding her.  For some reason, she wasn't afraid of it... _the light comes from people who help me,_ she thought, rather illogically -- light comes from whoever has a fucking flashlight.  _They_ had had a flashlight that night, too.  But she wasn't afraid now.  The flashlight was laid down on the floor, the beam pointed somewhat in her direction (but not aligned with her face) and somewhat at the wall.  "Joel?"

"It's Tommy.  Why don' you gimme that knife now..."

"Knife?"  _I'm holding a knife._   She didn't remember why.  She must have fallen asleep, because she'd been dreaming -- not a nightmare, either, just a strange dream.  Sam wasn't dead, and they were building a wall together out of like... bars of soap or something.  Someone else was there; in the dream, Ellie knew who it was, but now she didn't... that person was throwing rocks at the wall.  And then suddenly they were at her last school in Boston, trying to steal food from a kitchen, but it was one she'd seen like in Pittsburgh or somewhere...

"Yes," said Tommy.  "Was someone here?"

Ellie stared dumbly at the shadowy shape in the doorway of the closet.

"It's okay.  It's over now.  Please, let me take the knife."

She offered it to him.

"Thank you."  He laid it down somewhere outside the closet, then knelt on the track of the sliding closet door.  "Are you okay?  Were you hidin' from someone?"

"No..."

"Was anyone else in the house?"

"No..."

"I didn' think so... had to dig up the bolt key, an' the back door was bolted, too.  But I saw... Well, come on out now, you're safe."

 _The alarm was sounding,_ she remembered.  She realized it wasn't anymore.  "We're never safe, none of us," she lamented.

"We _are_ safe now.  There were six intruders, all of 'em are dead."

 _There will always be more_ , she thought darkly.  _That's the way of things._

"No fatal casualties on our side.  Only one wounded enough to go to the clinic, but he'll be okay."

Ellie didn't ask who it was.  She hadn't even thought to ask if everyone was okay.  She _knew_ she cared, that she wasn't a cold, heartless bitch... well, maybe she was.  Or would be soon.  She was certainly less human now than she used to be.  She was a monster that killed innocent people.

"Where's Joel?"

Tommy didn't answer right away.  Maybe he was trying to assess how nutty she was... if she'd really forgotten, or... "I don' know," he finally said.  "I'm sorry."

"I wanna see him," she said petulantly.  No, she hadn't forgotten.  She wasn't sure why she was acting stupid about it.  He hadn't even made an appearance in her dream.  Dreams were weird like that, though... she hadn't seen Sam in two years, and hadn't thought about him recently.

"I know, sweetheart.  You will.  Soon.  Will you please come out of there?"

"I've been in here for days..."

"Days?  No.  Hours, maybe, but not days.  I saw you this mornin'."

"I feel weird."  Her head, her chest, her stomach, her back, her calves -- even her good arm.  All sore or throbbing or at least making her aware of their presence in some way.

"Are you in pain?...sick?"

She nodded.  "Joel..."

"He'll be back soon."

Then it hit her hard.  He'd been gone for so long...  "He's never coming back!"

"'Course he is!  Come on, let's get you outta this closet.  Wanna lay down on your bed?  It'd be more comfy than that little corner."

She scooted towards him.  He stood up and offered her his hand.  She grabbed hold of it and got up -- at least, she _thought_ she did; she didn't usually space out when she was _doing_ something, but then she was hearing her name, muffled-like, as if someone were calling her from underwater, or far away... except the next second, it was from close by, _really_ close -- and she realized a man's arms were around her, holding her up.  "Joel?  Am I dreaming?"

"Maybe you are.  C'mon.  Over to the bed."

He sat with her, his arm around her, holding her snug against his side.  She felt a bit disoriented, but she realized it was Tommy, not Joel; Joel had left her. 

"You passed out for a few seconds there," Tommy told her.  "That ever happen before?"

"I did? ...not like that, I don't think... I dunno.  I was... getting up... I guess I stood up too fast."

"I'll go get you some water.  Here, lay back--"

"No, don't go!" she blurted out.

"Not even jus' to fetch you some water?  You're prob'ly dehydrated as hell."

She snaked her arm around his back and buried her face in his sleeve.  "No," she mumbled into the fabric, sniffling.  She shouldn't let him -- or _make_ him? -- comfort her.  She knew it was wrong, and she was usually good at automatically rejecting it, yet here she was, seeking it out.  And this was Tommy, not Joel -- she wasn't as comfortable with him...

But Tommy was a really nice guy.  He shifted so that her head leaned into his shoulder, and he put his other arm around her.  Gave her a squeeze.

She kept talking into his shirt.  "I used to be strong.  Now I'm just..."  _Worthless.  Dead weight.  A burden._ And she was trying not to illustrate the point with tears.  _Don't cry don't cry don't cry--_

"You're still strong.  But you don' gotta be, all the time... go ahead an' cry if you want.  I got you."

 _"I got you" --_ Joel used to say that.  "Why'd he have to leave?" she whined.  "I hate him!"

Tommy chuckled, but it was a sad sound.  "You can let 'im have it when he gets back."

 _IF he comes back_ , she mentally corrected him.  "Why are you here?  I thought you were going to the dam."

"Got called back before we even got halfway there.  Pops'n'Maria are headin' back there now.  I wanted to make sure you were all right.  We all did.  We were fightin' over who would get the honor."

Ellie doubted that, but didn't feel like arguing about it.  She found that she liked listening to his voice.  It was soothing... it reminded her of Joel... "Was the raid related to the power outage?" she asked.

"The timin' makes it seem so, I know, but... I don' know how they could've coordinated that.  There was no trouble up at the dam, bandit-wise."

Ellie hadn't helped the town at all this time.  She was completely useless now.  And she felt guilty for the trouble she continued to cause, the burden she continued to be.  "I messed up your house," she confessed.

"Ah.  Was wonderin' how that happened," he said lightly.  He didn't even ask her what the fuck she'd been doing.

Ellie felt her throat clenching.  "You're being so nice to me.  All of you," she whispered.

"'Course we are.  We love you."

 _Joel doesn't -- not anymore,_ she thought.  _He knows better.  He knows what a repulsive piece of shit I am._   "Well, you shouldn't," she said miserably, then started crying in earnest, muffling the sobs as best she could with Tommy's shirt.  Everyone had seen her cry by now, it didn't really cause her the embarrassment that it used to... but even so, she did usually manage to hold the tears to a trickle in the presence of others.  This time, they just gushed out. 

Tommy rocked her, petted her, told her _''it's okay"_... and she let him, because it felt so unbelievably _good_.  It didn't make sense, because nothing had _changed_ , nothing was getting _solved_ , nothing would be any _better_ afterward... yet something about being held and cared for made her not care about all that.  Like somehow it didn't matter -- all that mattered was someone loved her.

She could beat herself up about it later.  For now, she was too fucking selfish to push him away.


	9. Shape of My Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from the song by Sting, which was used in the end credits of Léon: The Professional (the main characters of which parallel the characters of Joel and Ellie! Great movie)

The only functional backup power generators in the county were at the dam; everyone else just had to deal with the darkness. 

Tommy actually coaxed Ellie into eating dinner at the kitchen table that night.  It felt incredibly indulgent.  _It's only because of the power outage_ , she told herself -- no candles allowed in her room, and the flashlight was annoying.  Tommy didn't fill the air with empty words, didn't try to make her talk.  And it wasn't awkward.  Not unlike some of the companionable silences she shared with Joel.  _Had_ shared -- past tense.

 _He's not dead_ , she had to remind herself.  _He may as well be_ , the argumentative voice in her head countered.  _It's only a matter of time... and you've already had far more time with him than with anyone else you've loved_ , that ominous voice pointed out.  She chewed her sandwich morosely, wishing she'd insisted on only a half.  Ellie still hated the idea of wasting food, even when she wasn't hungry for it.  Sometimes she would ask for the remains of her meals to be saved for later, or that someone else eat them; even so, she'd probably wasted more food in the past few weeks than in her entire year-plus at Jackson.

 _Ghosts don't need food,_ she reasoned.  If she were left to her own devices, she might never eat again.

After dinner, she helped Tommy put the house back in order.  It was the least she could do since she was the one who'd turned it upside down.  When that was done, she returned to the living room, trading the stark beam of her flashlight for the warm glow of the candle Tommy had placed on the end table.  She sat next to Tommy.  "What are you gonna do all night without power... being stuck here with me and all?"  She resisted the urge to say yet again that he didn't _have_ to stay with her; this was one time she really, _really_ didn't want him to take her up on the offer.

"I reckon I'll have myself a nice quiet evenin'," answered Tommy.  "Read for a while, turn in early.  Not a bad idea for you too, yeah?"

A big yawn escaped her as if on cue.  Ellie had no idea what she would do about sleeping.  She was pretty tired... _always_ tired... fatigue never seemed to be a factor in stopping the flashbacks and nightmares, the constant aching in her chest, the itching of her arm.  "Are you gonna read here?  Maybe I can take a nap... it won't be so dark."

"Sure.  But you need more than a nap."

"I'll sleep more in the daytime if I can.  So, um... you know how I made that big mess cuz I was freaked out and couldn't find a gun?  I was thinking..."

"You want a gun."

"It's really stupid that I don't have one.  I'm _not_ gonna kill myself.  I would never do that."

Tommy frowned.  "Joel would kill _me_ if I let you have one."

"Well, Joel's not here, so."

"He _will_ be back."

"Please, Tommy?  I _swear_ I only want it for protection.  I would feel so much safer.  I'd be able to sleep soooo much better."  That was a bit of an exaggeration -- the gun's presence didn't deter the demons in her head, after all.

He sighed.  "I don' know.  I'll sleep on it, all right?"

This response was the most cause for hope Ellie had had in ages.  "Okay.  Thanks."  She stretched out on the couch, folding her legs up enough that her feet didn't touch Tommy.  "If I fall asleep here, can you wake me up before you go upstairs?"

"Of course."

The radio was still on (with the volume turned way down), but with everyone trying to conserve battery power, the chit-chat would be minimal.  Tommy fetched whatever novel he was in the middle of.  He said he'd been reading the same book for so long he always had to skim the previous chapter to jog his memory on where he was at.  He just didn't read all that often.  Not Ellie -- she used to be a voracious reader.  Now, she couldn't really remember why.  What was the _point_ of it?

She found herself thinking that about pretty much everything these days.

Ellie settled herself and found a spot on the ceiling to stare at.  She tried not to close her eyes.  The soft, rustling 'sshhh' sound of fingertips turning pages kept her grounded in the present:  safe.  In spite of what she knew -- that they were _never_ truly safe -- for the moment, she _felt_ safe.  It was extremely hard to keep her eyes open, but if she fell asleep, the peace would be ruined.

She woke with a start when she realized she wasn't in her room... she was on a couch, in total darkness... _oh, right, I fell asleep here_.  Tommy had been reading by candlelight.  The candle was now extinguished, but Tommy was still there, his breathing slow and deep: he was asleep. 

A blanket had been draped over her, and apparently, even _that_ hadn't caused her to stir.  _It's too dark_.  _But Tommy's here... he didn't want to wake me up, and didn't want to leave me alone._   No way could he be sleeping comfortably, slouched into the corner of the couch.  She had sprawled over nearly the whole thing, taking up most of the room.  She felt a surge of guilt... but also affection for him.  Followed by more guilt, because even though he was being so kind and considerate, she still wished that the person here with her was Joel.

 _Tommy won't always be around either,_ she reminded herself.  The three people whose house she was invading were kind enough to switch their schedules around to accommodate her -- that is, babysit her.  She wanted to tell them not to bother.  That she didn't need them.  But then, the one time she _was_ left alone in the house, she completely freaked out.  Because of the hunters, of course, but it wasn't like that couldn't happen again at any time.  Usually it was less often than once a month; however, she could recall a time that they'd had two in the same week.  And it wasn't uncommon for people to die, whether they were in the militia or not.

Ellie didn't go back to sleep.  The dark slowly gave way to cold gray light as the new day began to dawn, and she realized that she must have slept a really long time down there.  The entire night, probably at least nine hours.  Good, solid, dreamless sleep.  Everyone said she'd feel better if she would just get proper sleep.

 _Pfff._   Her boyfriend was still dead, along with his mother, and it was because of her -- a family wiped clear off the face of the Earth.  Joel was still gone.  She was still a broken Ellie doll.  The day stretched long before her, pointless and miserable and draining.

Ellie still felt weary.

* * *

 

Power was restored twenty-six hours after it had been lost.  That meant Ellie could stay in the bedroom at all hours again... but she didn't.  She started eating her meals at the table with the others.  For the most part, she tuned out the conversation; the others knew she wasn't there to talk.  She didn't give a fuck about the milk rations, or the broken sewer line, or the insects threatening the wheat harvest and the resulting shift of labor from one camp to another.  She used to care.  She knew she was supposed to.  _Someone_ had to -- namely, the three other people in the house.  But none of it fucking _mattered_.

So she would sit and eat quietly, the chatter going fuzzy, yet still somehow keeping her grounded in reality enough to ward off the demons.  Everyone tried to pretend that things were totally normal, it seemed to Ellie.  Like they were just one big happy family, just how she used to imagine happy families would be.  She was the outsider, though.  Dumped here by the closest thing she had to immediate family... someone who didn't want to deal with her anymore.  _I should learn from that_ , she thought.  Be more of a people pleaser.  Act how she used to act when it _wasn’t_ an act:  make people smile and laugh, help them out so she wasn't just a burden.  When her cast came off, she would at least be able to do more of the latter; no one expected or allowed her to help out much with chores now.

But while part of her felt like she should twist herself into whatever shape they wanted her to be, another part screamed _"Fuck it!"_ \-- because she would only be setting herself up for guaranteed failure and rejection when she inevitably fucked it all up.  She used to know this.  Fuck, she'd been smarter at thirteen than she was now at sixteen.  Why did she continue to forget the lessons she'd learned?  How many times did she have to make the same mistakes?  _No more.  It ends now._

She would decide this, and then one of the three people she lived with would unwittingly un-decide it for her, simply by showing her in some way, however small, that they cared about her.  For God knows what reason.  If she were them, she certainly wouldn't give a shit about her anymore.

Ellie really didn't need to keep tracking days with 'x's, but she kept up the habit.  After eighteen 'x's, Tommy finally gave her a pistol.  A Glock 19, he called it.  It was similar to the gun she'd lost.  He said he was proud of how much better she was doing... which was a bunch of crap, really, because she was still fucked up, but she was pleased all the same at the remark, and extremely relieved to have her own means of protection again.  Tommy also told her that she was _not_ to try to help the next time the alarm went off.  Even if it happened after she got her cast off.  This gave Ellie a vague sense of guilt, but she didn't argue.  She could help out if she felt up to it... it wasn't like Tommy or anyone else would have eyes on her then.

After nineteen 'x's, someone came to visit her.  She was up in her room, but with the door open, so she heard the knocking.  At first, she thought it was a visitor for Tommy, because she heard him step outside to talk to the person, and it took him a good five minutes or so after answering the door to come up and announce the visitor.

"Ellie -- you got your sling on?  Someone's here I think you'll wanna see.  -Sorry, not Joel," he added quickly.

She had her sling on and was dressed, even -- and in a long-sleeved undershirt beneath her T-shirt, from the doctor's visit yesterday, or was it two days ago...  She went to the hallway and looked over the railing to see who was down below.  "Marcus!" _Omigod they're back?!_

He smiled up at her.  "Hey, Ellie!"

"When did you guys get back?"  _And where the fuck is Joel?!_ She headed down the stairs, Tommy on her heels.

"Like a half hour ago.  Thought I'd do you guys a favor and shower before coming over.  You look _so_ much better than... than the last time I saw you."  That would have been the day of Bailey's funeral, since she hadn't elected to see Marcus whenever he'd tried to visit.

Tommy gestured for Marcus to sit in the armchair while he and Ellie sat on the couch.  Wouldn't Joel have come straight here -- shower be damned?  She glanced back at Tommy... if something had happened to Joel, he wouldn't be this calm, certainly. _...would he?_   "So..."

"Not all of us came back," Marcus answered the question before she asked.  "Everyone's fine, though!  It's just that, um... we... didn't find what we were looking for."

"Everyone's fine," she repeated dumbly.  "Are you trying to tell me..."

"Joel.  Yeah.  He, um... God.  It sucks having to tell you... he said he couldn't come back.  Yet."

Ellie stared at him.  "He couldn't-- why not?!"  She was afraid she already knew the answer to that.

"I think he prob'ly... just... didn't wanna disappoint you, you know?"

Her blood was boiling already.  Like the others coming home without him wouldn't be disappointing as fuck!  "What did he _say?_ "

"He said... he had to finish it.  That he wouldn't go back a failure... with those assholes still drawing breath, I think is how he put it."

 _Fuck!_   "So... you guys just left him."

Tommy spoke up.  "Ellie, they'd already been lookin' for a couple weeks.  It's a wild goose chase."

Ellie glared at him.  "What do wild geese have to do with anything?"

Tommy blinked.  "I don' know, to be honest.  It's jus' an expression.  It means... it ain't very likely they'll find what they're lookin' for."

"I actually wanted to go with him, I swear," Marcus said, defensive.  "We all got into this arg-- we _discussed_ , after like ten days or something? -that maybe we should give it up cuz it's not like they had a camp set up nearby -- we would've seen it.  We tried to pick up their trail and go the way Joel wanted to... didn't find anything, nothing that made it look like they for sure went that way... if they just kept going and going we never would've found them anyway.  Even if we could catch up to them eventually, being on horseback, there's too many different routes they could've taken -- assuming they were even trying to follow roads at all.  So we went and looked all around Jackson County, every which way you could go.  We split up once, but that, um... didn't work out too well, when we couldn't find each other and had to backtrack... Joel was pissed.  He was pissed the whole time, though, really."

Tommy snorted.  "I'm sure he was loads of fun to be around.  He's had a hard time... you know.  Dealin' with all this."

 _"He_ has?"  Ellie shrieked.  "It didn't happen to _him."_

"In a way, it did, though," said Tommy.  He was maddeningly calm.  "I mean... I think it's even worse, that it _didn't_ happen to him.  That it was you.  If it was jus' him I don' think he'd be so out for blood-- at least not _this_ bad."

"Great.  That's just fucking great.  So how much longer is he going to look?  Weeks?  Months?  Years?  He could spend the rest of his _life_ trying to track these guys down.  What if they're already dead?  He would never know!  And he just-- _UUUUGGGGHHHH_ how can he-- no, _don't_ ," she warned Tommy when he tried to rub her shoulder sympathetically.  He withdrew the offending hand.  _Everyone should know by now: don't touch me when I'm pissed off!_

"I'm really sorry," said Marcus.  "I'm angry, too.  I wanted those bastards dead just as much as Joel did.  And when the other guys said it was time to give up, I could've gone on longer.  Joel didn't want me to.  He said it might take-- uh, that he didn't know _how_ long it would take, and I should go back to my family."

Ellie knew he lived with an aunt and a younger brother.  She nodded.  "I'm not mad at you.  Joel should've come back, too.  Actually, he never should've left in the first place.  Or you guys should've taken me with you.  Maybe..." She thought for a moment.  _Sure, I could do it..._   "Whereabouts did you leave him... did he say which direction he was going?"

"Oh hell no," Tommy answered for Marcus.  "You ain't goin' after him, Ellie.  He's three days' ride away from here, last they saw him.  You might never find him an' you know he'd never want you to try."

"Well, he should know that I never wanted him to _leave!_   He promised me he wouldn't.  Did he tell you that?" she asked Marcus.

"No... he didn't talk all that much..."

"Well, he promised.  And now... now he's never coming back."

Marcus shook his head.  "I think eventually he'll realize he can't look forever.  Or, you know, he _could_ actually find them."

"Or get himself killed.  Especially all by himself!  He would have died that time he got hurt, if I wasn't there."  She looked at Tommy; they had told him all about Colorado, how badly Joel was injured.  "And he's so stubborn.  Tommy, you know he is.  He will tell himself that he can't come back without this... being taken care of... he'll _believe_ it.  He'll prob'ly even think he's doing it for _me_.  Fuck!"

Ellie flopped against the back of the couch dejectedly.  She couldn't ever remember a time she'd been more furious with Joel.  And she was annoyed with Tommy for trying to justify Joel's actions.  _"Now_ would you say this 'counts' as him ditching me?" she asked nastily.

Tommy didn't answer her.  "Marcus, thanks for everythin' you did to help.  Glad you're okay.  Why don' you go on home to your family now?"

"'kay.  One more thing.  Ellie, Joel wanted me to tell you... uh..."

Ellie's mind raced when Marcus paused. _That he'll be back as soon as possible?  That he's sorry?  That he misses me? ...that he LOVES me?_   She couldn't imagine Joel casually saying that last one to Marcus, though.

"What was it... Endure and... live?  I think?  He said you'd know what it meant."

"Endure and survive," she corrected him.  Marcus wasn't a Savage Starlight fan.  The words sounded hollow.  Empty.  _Did Joel think I would hear them and feel comforted and hopeful or some shit?_   "Thanks," she said dully.

Tommy stood up, shook Marcus's hand, and clapped him on the back as they said goodbye.  Marcus stopped at the door and looked back at Ellie.  "Oh, one _more_ one-more-thing -- did you like the tapes I brought over?  Any of them?"

"Sure," Ellie replied automatically. Then she thought better of bullshitting him.  "Well, actually, I haven't been listening to anything.  I will, though.  Thanks."  She had the tapes; Joel had put them in her backpack along with her walkman, and they'd brought the backpack over from the house.  _Okay, so I'm still bullshitting him, but less blatantly?_

"Okay.  Let me know what you think... some time."  He paused, like he was going to say something else, but then he just said, "Bye."

"Bye."  Ellie felt a pang of raw grief, remembering how she and Bailey and Marcus used to listen to stuff together, and talk about it, and have friendly debates over possible meanings of the lyrics.  More from when the three of them were friends, but it continued after her relationship with Bailey changed as well.  Marcus probably missed that -- missed the old Ellie.

She shoved those thoughts away into some dark corner of her heart.  Much better to feel angry at Joel than sad about her old life.

Tommy sat next to her again, rather than in the seat Marcus had just vacated.  "I'm so sorry, Ellie."

Ellie tried to cross her arms, but settled for tucking her right arm under the bulky left one.  She turned her head away from him.  "If you'll help me, I'll move back home," she said coldly.  "Today."  She already knew he wouldn't let her do that; she wasn't even sure why she felt the need to say it.

"What?  To go stay in that house by yourself?  Uh-uh, no way.  You're stayin' here.  If you want anythin' else from the house I'll go get it for you, or help you get it."

Ellie sighed.  The only thing she wanted (that was still in the realm of possibilities, at least) was Joel, and he certainly wasn't at the house.  "Look, it's one thing to babysit for a couple of weeks.  It's another to do it for all eternity.  I should get out of your hair."  She glanced at Tommy.

"It ain't babysittin'.  I don' mind.  Honestly.  _We_ don' mind.  We wanna help you.  Do you really think Joel would want you to--"

"Fuck what Joel would want!  He doesn't even know if I'm okay, or..." She blinked back tears.  "This is your fault, too.  Know why?  Cuz Joel _knew_ you'd look after me.  If he had to leave with me strangers, or if like... you were kind of a jerk or whatever, he'd have to come back -- he prob'ly wouldn't've even left.  Right?"

Tommy gave her a sad little smile.  "You're prob'ly right.  Sorry I can't be more of a jerk to you.  Too late to start now, Joel wouldn' know about it so it wouldn' do you no good."

A couple tears escaped, and she blinked angrily to keep the others in.  Not so long ago -- although it felt like a lifetime, now -- she'd been on top of the world, with the two people she loved most right beside her.  Now they'd both left her, like everyone always did... it wasn't always their choice, but in the end, they left her all the same.  She would never feel that happy again.  She'd never feel happy again _period,_ no matter what Maria thought.  "I'm gonna go upstairs," she mumbled as she started to get up.

"Hey, wait a sec."  He put a hand on her arm to stop her from standing, and this time she didn't shake him off.  "I don' mean to make excuses for him doin' this.  I know _why_ he's doin' it, but that don' make it all right.  My brother... he's never been that good with... emotional shit, as you've prob'ly noticed.  Even before."  She knew he meant 'the great before': 2013.  "But especially after.  You know you made him... more like he was before."  Tommy paused.  "Damn, forgot what I was tryin' to say.  Jus'... know that, no matter how long it takes Joel to get back here -- an' I _know_ he'll be back -- you will always have a place here with us.  An' we ain't goin' nowhere."

"That's exactly what he said.  And then he left."

"He didn' stop carin' about you, though.  An' he never will."

"He has a fucked up way of showing it."

"I know he does.  But it's still true."

She started to stand again, and this time he didn't stop her.  When she was halfway up the stairs, Tommy called to her.  "You sure you wanna be alone?  You could sit here... don' gotta talk if you don want to.  Jus' sit."

"No thanks."  She paused at the top of the stairs and looked back at him.  "Thanks for everything, Tommy.  Sorry I'm such a bitch."  She turned away before he could respond with the kind lie that she wasn't.

* * *

 

Ellie quit doing the 'x's.  And she wasted a good deal of pencil lead scribbling through all of them until every single one was unrecognizable.  She hadn't realized how much she'd been counting on Joel coming back.  That she'd actually felt fucking _hopeful_ about it.  She'd never let herself dwell on the possibility that maybe he wasn't.  She couldn't go there.  She would complain to others about him never coming back, forcing them to say 'of course he will, Ellie!' to which she'd scoff (it was like putting on a little show, everyone playing their roles perfectly every single time) -- yet in her gut, she believed them.

It seemed so stupid of her now.  Why hadn't she predicted this?  It was so... _Joel_.

Ellie regressed to hiding in her room as often as possible.  She declared that she would eat a bowl of oatmeal and nothing else.  Twice a day, not three times.  She hoped to lose complete track of time, without even the components of her meals to clue her in to the time of day.  She resumed 'playing' with the Monopoly pieces again, this time not really caring if anyone took notice of it (what the fuck did she care what they thought of her?  Like her recent behavior hadn't been testament enough to what a useless subhuman thing she was?).  When she had the flashbacks, the fastest way to get past them was to do something completely inane, like lining up the little ships in symmetrical patterns... trailing the paper money across the floor.

She still spent a great deal of time zombiefied: staring at nothing, thinking nothing, feeling nothing.  She knew she couldn't do it forever.  Tommy, Maria, and Ed might have more patience than Joel (especially when it was spread amongst the three of them in alternate shifts), but eventually theirs would run out, too.  Maybe they'd kick her out.  Not to be mean, but to practice that thing called 'tough love.'  Sometimes she wanted them to do that, so she could go curl up somewhere and never have to talk to anyone again... just waste away into the dirt.  To finally have nothing left to lose.  Other times -- _most_ of the time -- the thought terrified her.  She tried to be more polite to them than she had been to Joel.  It wasn't so difficult to say 'please' and 'thank you' and to just... not be annoying.

Yes, she'd taken Joel for granted.  Because she was an idiot?  Or because deep down she'd felt too secure in his love?  If Joel had suddenly started being a dick to her, she still wouldn't have left him.  Ever.  She just fucking _couldn't_.  But clearly Joel didn't feel the same way.

Maria and Ed seemed content to let her be.  They were unfailingly nice to her, and she knew they would listen if she wanted to talk, or would happily oblige her if she expressed the desire to do anything _normal_ , but she never really wanted to.  Ed wanted to take her fishing once.  He'd taught her how at that very same lake, ages ago.  She didn't want to go back there, and he understood.  It was Tommy who went the Joel route and tried to push her into doing things.  Ellie passed on to him what Maria had told her about depression, and Tommy said yes, Maria had discussed it with him, too, but that he couldn't just _not_ try to reach Ellie somehow.  Even if she said 'no' a hundred times.  _"Ellie, why don't you try reading this book?"  "Hey Ellie, I'm going for a walk, wanna come?"  "Ellie, I bet you'd really like this movie."_  

And, after she got her cast off -- _"Ellie, I brought your guitar over..."_

Man, that one _really_ killed her.  The guitar was a her'n'Joel thing.  She couldn't play it by _herself_.  Didn't he get it?  And even if Joel were there... music made no sense to her anymore.  She had no desire to listen to anything.

And eventually, when she failed to do what they wanted, _then_ she'd have to leave.  Or she would choose to, rather than jump through hoops for them.  This is what she told herself would happen; it was inevitable.  She had to prepare for it.

But her mind still balked at any sort of preparations for a future that she had no idea how to face.

One thing all three of them insisted she do was exercises for her wrist.  This, Ellie actually didn't mind.  The thing was so gimpy at first she wondered why they'd even bothered to cast it; it certainly didn't seem fixed.  Dr. Choi assured her that the bones had healed decently and if she did the exercises, she would regain a fair amount of strength and range of motion in it.  She knew she was supposed to care about that... but she'd let her housemates do the caring in that regard.  What she liked about the rehab was the rhythmic nature of the motions, and that the discomfort they caused was a welcome distraction from her despondent thoughts.  The doctor had told her to stop if she felt pain, but a little pain didn't stop her.  Her favorite one was rotating her wrist back and forth from palm up to palm down while holding a hammer -- a hammer with a heavy head that would push and pull her wrist further than it wanted to go on its own.  Like a metronome, or an upside-down pendulum.  It hurt, but it was a _good_ kind of hurt.  The kind of ache Joel would describe sometimes after a hard workout or weightlifting session.  She did way more than the daily requirement.  She would work her wrist until it became a trembling mass of jelly that refused to cooperate any further.

When she admitted this to the doctor, he sternly told her not to overdo it, that it could cause inflammation and actually set her back.  So far so good, though.  Apparently being young really helped.  She figured she could cut back some, especially if she noticed any swelling, but it was so tempting to keep going...

She was working herself to the jelly point one day when Maria came in with her oatmeal.  Ellie was so sick of oatmeal that she couldn't even taste it anymore.  _Perfect_.  She set the hammer aside and dutifully took the bowl, setting it in her lap.  There was a shitload of strawberry slices on top, which was cheating on her oatmeal-only diet, but Ellie didn't refuse them.  She used to love strawberries.  Some part of her still did... or wanted to.

Maria didn't leave after delivering the food.  She closed the door and sat on the bed next to her.  "Ellie... I've been wanting to ask you about something," she began slowly.  "I can wait 'til you're done eating."

"I don't wanna talk about anything," she said wearily, as she'd said a million times before.

"I know.  But we have to talk about this."

 _Shit_.  Were they going to get hardcore on her already with the tough love bullshit?  She was pretty sure it would be Tommy, not Maria, who took the lead on that campaign, though.  Ellie sighed.  "Don't wait 'til I'm done, just ask."

"Okay.  Sweetie... when was the last time you had your period?"

 _SHIT!_ "I don't know," she said without thinking.  Except she did know.  She dunked some strawberry bits into the depths of the lake of oatmeal.  Stirred it up and stared at the spoon as it carved its way through the lumps.

"Not since you've been staying with us, right?"

"I don't know.  Maybe?  I don't wanna talk about this."  She shoved a huge spoonful in her mouth.

But Maria kept talking.  "I think you _do_ know.  At least if it was before, or... after."

This door inside her head that she'd carefully kept locked, even from herself, was being pried open whether she liked it or not.  _Fuckity fuck fuck fuck fuck!_   Ellie swallowed her bite and looked up from the bowl to Maria.  "I started to, I think.  I mean, I thought I was, I T.P.'d up and all, but then... nothing.  Only a couple drops."

"That doesn't count as a period.  When was that?"

"Um... a while ago... after I got here, though.  In your house."

"Okay.  And before that?"

Ellie played with her oatmeal again, drowning some more strawberries.  _If I don't answer, maybe this will go away..._

"Ellie," Maria prodded, her voice somehow gentle and firm at the same time, "You do remember, don't you."

After one last pause, one more moment of make-believe, Ellie nodded.  _FUCK_.  "It was before... that night.  A few days... a week...?  I know what you're thinking -- but I'm _not_ pregnant.  I'm not.  There's no way.  I would _know_ if I was.  And-- and-- I'm not throwing up.  Right?  If I was pregnant I'd be puking my guts out every morning."  She looked at Maria hopefully.

"Not necessarily.  You've been queasy a lot, though, and there's no... your injuries wouldn't have caused that, at least not to this degree."

"It was the pot -- it made me sick!" Ellie was grasping now; she _wanted_ to blame it all on the dope, but it made no sense.

"Maybe it did.  But you haven't had any in weeks now.  Although... it could be psychological, too," Maria admitted. 

"What?  I'm not making it up -- did Joel tell you--"

"No no, honey, that's not what I meant.  Just that... you can have physical symptoms brought on by... things going on in your head.  But, you're also tired all the time--"

"Because I can't fucking sleep!"

"Your appetite is... weak, at best..."

"Wait -- that should prove I'm _not_.  Right?  If I was pregnant I'd be stuffing my face all the time."

Maria shook her head.  "Not in the beginning, while your body's adjusting, especially if you're nauseous."

Ellie frowned.  "How do you know all this?"

Maria hesitated, then said, "I've been reading this book.  You can read it--"

 _"NO_.  I'm not pregnant.  My period, it's not always regular.  I skip months all the time."  Not 'all the time,' exactly… she'd been fairly irregular all those months crossing the country with Joel, but not so much since arriving in Jackson.

"Okay.  It's entirely possible that you're not pregnant.  I just wanted to see if there was a possibility, because it seemed like there was.  There are other explanations, like... not eating much because you're depressed.  Having an upset stomach because you're anxious.  But I think you need to be aware that... that you _might_ be.  We should go talk to the doctor about it."

Ellie continued eating slowly, not tasting anything.  She started to tune Maria out, making her voice go fuzzy.  _I'll finish eating and she'll go away and I won't think about it anymore... yeah, because that always works..._

_"Ellie!"_

Ellie jumped when Maria touched her arm and said her name loudly.  "Sorry," Maria said, "but it seemed like you were a million miles away, not hearing a word I said."

"I... didn't hear everything," she admitted.

"I was just speculating about other symptoms.  Tommy told me that you fainted a couple weeks ago?"

"I got dizzy when I stood up too fast, and cuz I'd barely eaten that day -- it doesn't mean anything!"

"Okay, okay.  Maybe it doesn't.  I have another... delicate question, and then I'll leave you alone.  You don't have to answer this one if you don't want to, it's not really..." Maria winced.

"What."  Ellie braced herself.

"Is there any chance, if you _are_ pregnant, that it could be Bailey's?"

 _Oh._   "I, um... actually, I don't know.  I feel stupid," she mumbled.

"You're not.  You're young and inexperienced.  Did you and Bailey have sex?" Maria asked quietly.

Much to her annoyance, Ellie felt herself blushing like a little girl.  "Yeah.  Twice."

"That night?"

"No.  We were only naked for swimming, I swear."  She wondered why she was even bothering to defend herself now... like Maria would care?  Especially when they most likely _would_ have had sex that night, if only...

"But that same week?"

"Yeah."  Ellie snorted.  "I go from being a virgin one week to fucking three guys the next.  What a slut, right?"

Maria's expression darkened.  "What happened to you does _not_ make you a slut, Ellie.  Don't say-- don't _think_ things like that.  You weren't... _fucking_ them."

"Okay, whatever."  Not like she'd ever be having sex again.  She figured three wasn't so slutty over the course of a whole lifetime.

"And Bailey.  Did he... finish, both times?  It's okay, don't be embarrassed."

Easier said than done.  Maria was being kind and nonjudgmental, though, and Ellie found it wasn't that difficult to tell her about it after all.  "That's... kinda the part I feel stupid about.  We had agreed that he would, um... you know.  Pull out?"

"And did he?"

"The first time, yeah.  I think so.  It was pretty uncomfortable... and he could tell, and he didn't wanna hurt me so he stopped early.  I think some of it like... leaked out already though?  If that counts?  But most of it came out after we... um..."

"...used other means?" Maria supplied.

"Yeah."  Ellie marveled at how Maria didn't even seem the tiniest bit embarrassed, talking about sex so frankly.  Joel would never have been able to talk to her about this.

"And the second time?"

"It went much better than the first time.  It still kind of hurt but I was okay with him not stopping.  I reminded him a couple times to pull out before he... uh... but he wanted to try a little longer..." She smiled a little, remembering, but then immediately felt the loss of him so acutely she almost burst into tears.  She covered her face with her hands and mumbled, "Gimme a sec..."

"Sure.  When you're ready."  Ellie felt Maria's hand on her shoulder, and she didn't shrug her off.  She concentrated on stuffing those emotions deep down so she wouldn't have to feel them until later -- Joel's version of 'later,' she hoped. 

She wondered how much room there was in that corner of her heart... how much would fit before there was nowhere left to put it. 

 _Do what Joel does, bury them so far down you can't feel a thing..._ After a few moments, she returned to the memory, trying to think of it like it was just a movie she'd seen.  Bailey had claimed that he was an expert at predicting when he was about to come thanks to years of jerking off on a regular basis, but then at the end he was like _'OH SHIT'_ and barely withdrew himself from her before the jizz started flowing -- and Ellie wasn't convinced he _had_ done it in time.  Maria didn't need to know all that, though.  Ellie picked up where she'd left off.  "So he waited like a little too long.  He said he didn't, but he was all like... sheepish about it.  And there was barely any, um..." She gestured vaguely.

"Semen?"

"Yeah."  Ellie was glad Maria could fill in her blanks.  If her face got any redder, it might explode or something.  "Not like the first time, when... yeah.  So I think most of it got, um... released... you know."

"Okay.  So there's a chance."

Ellie shook her head.  "Way more of a chance that it's _not_ him.  Those disgusting guys... they didn't bother to..." She saw their faces again... heard herself screaming... She stood up and thrust the bowl of oatmeal at Maria.  "I can't talk about this anymore.  I _can't_."  She retreated to the corner of the room where she sat sometimes after having a nightmare.  Curled into herself and waited.  When her emotions were so raw, the fucking panic seemed to take it as a cue to rise up and take over.

Maria crouched in front of her.  "It's okay.  Can I...?"  She reached out slowly, and Ellie shook her head.

"Is it okay if I just sit here with you then?" Maria asked.

"I'm sure you have -- better things to do --" Her breathing accelerated.

"I really don't.  I'd rather stay with you."

"But I can't -- talk to you --"

"No, that's fine!  Just breathe.  Slow, deep breaths if you can.  I'll just sit here with you until it goes away.  No talking."

 _Until it goes away?_   Pfff.  It would never _really_ go away.  But she was glad Maria was there.  It did help, having someone else there in the room with her.  And scary though it was, concentrating on trying to breathe was preferable to thinking about...

_Just breathe.  In, out, in, out.  There is nothing else._


	10. Inside Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS for this chapter: Talk/thoughts of abortion, some of which are pretty disturbing, as are Ellie's thoughts in general.

Once Maria put it out there, Ellie went from being in complete denial that she could possibly be pregnant to one hundred percent sure that she _was_ indeed pregnant.  Unfortunately, even if they had a home pregnancy test from olden times, it wouldn't work anymore, so there was no way to scientifically prove that she was.  There might have been, at a hospital better equipped than the little clinic they had in Jackson, but no one knew for sure that such a place existed.  Ellie would have to just wait and see.

She was tired of waiting for things.  The ambiguity rattled her.  _Joel's never coming back_ , she had to tell herself, because if she believed that he _might_ , the agonizing wait would drive her insane.  She _was_ pregnant, damnit; she didn't have to wait any longer to know.  The longer she waited, the worse it would be -- she had to fix this.

At some point before she was due her next meal, Ellie dozed on the floor of her bedroom amongst the game pieces.  She didn't remember the dream, but when she woke up, she couldn't breathe through the terror clutching her throat.  And her mind flashed back to a time she was high, when she felt like something was clawing at her from the inside out.  It was so vivid in her head, and the timing of it, of remembering this _now_ , made her even more certain of what she needed to do.  She gasped for air and told herself to calm the fuck down.

It wasn't a full-blown panic attack, at least.  Once her breathing had regulated itself, she got dressed, tucked the Glock into her jeans, and headed downstairs.  The living room clock told her it was nearly 4:30, and the brightness of the room told her it was afternoon.  Along with the friendly aroma of stew in the crockpot, and the sight of Ed and Maria alert and dressed in the kitchen.  She could see them through the archway that connected the two rooms.  Ed was conversing with someone on the walkie talkie and Maria was fussing with some kind of gadget in pieces on the table.  Ellie approached her, keeping her voice low so as not to disturb Ed.  "Hey.  I'm gonna go talk to Dr. Choi, if he hasn't gone home already," she announced casually.  She turned to leave, but Maria followed her into the living room.

"Ellie, what's wrong?"

"Everything," she scoffed and kept walking.

"I'll go with you."

"No, I can go by myself, it's practically right down the street."

"Are you in pain?"

"No.”  _No more than usual._

Maria followed her outside, too.  "You want to ask him about..."

"Yeah.  Like you said I should.  I _want_ to go by myself.  Really -- it's okay, go back in."

"No way, girl.  I'm going with you.  If you don't want me in the room with you... you can talk to him by yourself if you want, but I'm going."

Ellie rolled her eyes.  "You're as bad as Tommy."

"Oh, ouch!"  Maria pretended to be insulted.

Ellie almost smiled at that.  That happened, sometimes... life was this awful, miserable affair, and there was nothing to feel happy about, but once in a while, she found herself... well, _almost_ amused at some little thing like that.  She didn't let on, though.  Couldn't have people getting their hopes up about her being 'cured.'  And such amusement was always followed by guilt, or even outrage.  _How COULD you, when Bailey -- and most likely Joel -- never will again, thanks to you!_ she'd marvel at her own audacity.

Secretly, Ellie was kind of glad to have Maria walk to the clinic and back with her, at least.  It seemed completely ridiculous to be nervous about walking around town, especially when she was armed, but... it felt so strange to her now.  Like it was something the old, confident Ellie did easily without considering the possible dangers.  Now she felt more like when she'd first arrived in town with Joel, after their long journey -- wary of even the empty spaces.  The bright sun, the hum of cheerful voices in the distance, the majesty of the trees... none of it lulled her into thinking that nothing bad could happen here.

But no way did she want Maria present when she talked to the doctor.  _It's better this way.  Maria will think I'm seeking professional advice about my symptoms and what I should be doing about it all._

Dr. Choi hadn't gone home yet, but the people he referred to as his 'med students' had.  _Perfect_ \-- Ellie didn't want them getting all up in her business.  Bad enough the doctor even had to know.  He was surprised to see her, of course, since he'd been doing house calls for her, and his immediate assumption was that something had happened with her hand.  She assured him that wasn't the case, and he ushered her into the examining room, closing the door behind them, Maria remaining behind in the lobby. 

Ellie didn't sit on the examining table like you're supposed to when you see a doctor; she stood in front of it, arms crossed over her chest.  The doc was usually pretty cool... not super-warm and friendly, but not a real dick, either.  He was around Joel's age, although he didn't look it.  He had nice hands; Ellie would almost go so far as to call them feminine, they were so unblemished and soft and smooth.  Prettier than her own hands.

She wasn't sure how sympathetic he'd be to her plight.  "If I tell you something... can you promise not to tell anyone?" she asked, trying to look the way she imagined she looked whenever she persuaded Joel to do what she wanted.

He leaned against the counter and regarded her with curiosity.  "That depends."

"On what?"

"On whether what you tell me... poses risk to yourself, or others..."

"I'm pregnant," she blurted out, impatient with his slow, measured words.  "I don't want to be examined or anything.  I know you can't tell for sure yet and I... I just _know."_

If this surprised him at all, he didn't show it.  "Mmm.  Are you basing this assumption on... a disruption in your menstrual cycle?" he asked matter-of-factly.  "There could be other causes of--"

"Yeah I know, I know all that," she said irritably.  "It's lots of things, not just that.  The thing is, I _can't_ have a... especially not one fathered by... I need you to get rid of it for me.  Please," she almost forgot to add.

The doctor stared at her in disbelief.  "You want an _abortion?_   Ellie, you may not even be pregnant."

"I am!  And I want it _out_ ," she insisted.

He gestured for her to sit, and she obligingly hopped up on the table.  "It's not that simple," he said with a sigh.

"Why not?  Just cut me open and yank it out."

He smiled at that, like he was amused.  It annoyed her; she wasn't trying to be funny.  But the smile disappeared quickly.  "That's not how it's done," he said grimly.  "It would be done vaginally, and I don't have the right tools.  Even if I did, there'd be too big a risk of damage... or infection... I don't have the right medicine to give you.  I don't do abortions.  Ever."

Ellie balked at the word 'vaginally.'  She barely heard anything after that. "So... it would hurt.  That's okay."  _It'll be worth it._

The doctor shook his head.  "No.  Er-- yes, it would hurt... quite a lot... but it's simply too risky.  You could die.  And that's even _with_ the proper tools.  Which I don't have."

"Bullshit.  You can improvise.  You've done surgery on people!"

"Certain kinds of surgery, yes.  In life-threatening cases.  You may recall those patients often die.  I'm not actually a surgeon."

Ellie couldn't decide if he was lying or not.  "You're just trying to scare me," she said, rather uncertainly.

"I'm not.  It's the truth.  Practicing medicine here is not like it was at the beginning of the century.  Years ago, a surgeon might have repaired your wrist... cut your recovery time down to a third of what it was.  But it wasn't life-threatening... not worth the risk, and risk _always_ accompanies such procedures... especially with our limited means here."

"Well, this _is_ life-threatening," she insisted.

"Being pregnant?"

"Yes!"  _With a monster, not a baby_.  She had a feeling the doctor would laugh at her if she tried to explain.  His smile was infuriating enough as it was.  _Why does he keep smiling?  This isn't fucking funny!_

"That's unlikely.  You're young, in good health... with the proper precautions--"

"Fuck that!  I don't _want_ this."  _Calm down, Ellie, he'll be more likely to help you if you act sweet than if you yell at him..._ She took a deep breath before speaking.  "I'm willing to take the risks.  Isn't that all that matters?  If I say it's okay to go ahead?  Please, can't you... just _try?"_

Her pleas didn't move him at all.  "No.  If the physical risks aren't enough to... to give you pause, there are other things to consider.  The moral aspects... emotional aspects... this would affect you the rest of your life."

Ellie groaned.  "I don't care about any of that!  Having this th-- having it would be _way_ worse than _not_ having it.  Worse than an abortion.  There's no way I'd ever change my mind, I don't need to _consider_ anything!" She wasn't doing a good job of acting sweet.  _Maybe if I cry..._ but she had a feeling that tears would not sway the stubborn man even a smidge.

"Well, I won't change my mind either:  I don't do abortions."

"Even if... there's something wrong?  With the..." She just couldn't get herself to refer to it as a baby.  "Isn't it okay to do it then?"

"Unfortunately, there's no way to know that, given our--"

"I _do_ know it!" She couldn't explain about the monster thing, but... "It's the marijuana -- it messed things up in there."

"I doubt it.  You weren't using excessive amounts.  And only for a short while... a week?  The embryo wouldn't have fully implanted – it wouldn’t even have been drawing nourishment from you so early on.  You... may be upset at the idea of being pregnant, it's understandable, but don't worry that you harmed the child in that way."

 _I'm not worried about the so-called child_ , Ellie thought bitterly.  "There's still something... not-right, about it.  And I don't want it.  Even if it was totally healthy I wouldn't want it.  Why can't you just try?  That's all I want.  Just do your best.  It's worth the risk, to me.  And it's my body, so... my decision.  It's only fair."

"You're... how old are you?  Fifteen?  You--"

"Sixteen!"

"Sixteen.  Still a minor.  You're too young to make decisions like this for yourself.  But even if a parent, or... it doesn't matter.  I've already decided.  The answer is no."

That stupid, arbitrary, 'you're under eighteen so your opinion doesn't count' bullshit again.  But it gave Ellie an idea.  "You won't do it if _I_ say so, then.  Okay.  And I don't have any parents..." _Joel doesn't count -- not like he's here anyway._   She wondered if he would have agreed that the fucking thing needed to not be born, no matter the risk.  _Doesn't matter!  Focus, Ellie!_   She looked at the doctor earnestly.  "What if someone with real authority in this town orders you to?  Like Maria.  You'd _have_ to do it then, wouldn't you?"

Dr. Choi chuckled, which grated on Ellie's nerves even more than the smile did.  "I highly doubt Maria, or her father or her husband, would order me to do such a thing.  Especially after I explain the risks involved."

"But say they do.  Just pretend they tell you you _have_ to do this.  Then would you do it?"  She might have more luck convincing one of those three to help her out than this heartless doctor -- they did claim to actually _care_ about her, and to respect her wishes...

"No.  Absolutely not.  I feel too strongly against it."

"Say they're going to kick you out of Jackson if you don't do it..."

"Then... I guess I say goodbye to Jackson and hope one of my students can fill my shoes.  -And no, before you ask -- they won't do this for you, either.  For the same reasons I've stated, and because neither of them would even know how.  Aside from that -- they'd have to do it secretly... without my knowledge or consent."

Ellie sighed and rolled her eyes.  "Whatever.  Maybe I'll just figure out how to do it myself.  Trial and error."

Dr. Choi looked alarmed by this, and Ellie immediately wished she'd kept her stupid mouth shut.  "We should have Maria join us now," he said.  "What you just--"

She sprang to her feet.  "No no no no no, I was just kidding!  Please, _please_ don't say anything to her.  I'm not gonna do anything, I swear!"

He frowned.  "You should talk to her yourself.  If it turns out you _are_ pregnant, she can help you... work through these issues... explore the alternatives."

"I will.  I _am_ talking to her about stuff.  She has a book for me to read about it and everything."  Not that Ellie intended to read it.

"Good.  How's your diet?  Your sleep schedule?"

_Wonderful, I eat nothing but oatmeal and I nap on the floor from time to time._

Ellie shrugged.

"You'll want to improve that.  Even though you don't know for sure if you're pregnant, you should take better care of yourself.  Maybe Maria should come in now -- we could go over some things to that end."

"No, it's okay, she's reading the book too so she'll know what I'm supposed to eat and stuff."  As if Ellie cared about nurturing the repulsive _thing_ inside of her that wasn't even a baby.  She didn't know what to do about getting rid of it without the doctor's help.  Maybe she should try to get more chummy with one of his assistants... _even if they don't know exactly what to do, they could probably figure it out, right?_ Which one would be more likely to help her... when was the last time she'd even _spoken_ to either of them... _If only I'd made a few more friends in this fucking town!_

Dr. Choi interrupted her thoughts with his doctor-speak.  "Are you having symptoms... anything that makes you think you're pregnant aside from missing your period?  Nausea... bloating... fatigue... breast tenderness..."

Ellie squirmed a little.  "Um... yeah, I guess... look, since you're not going to... I won't take up any more of your time."

"It's no trouble--"

"No, really.  I gotta get going."  She couldn't bring herself to even thank him when he'd refused to help her out.

"Well then.  You know where to find me if you need anything.  Since you're here, how's the wrist?" he asked, his tone a bit lighter... rather cheerful, even.

At least that was a more pleasant subject.  "Okay, I guess."

"Doing your exercises faithfully, but not _over_ doing them?"

"Uh-huh."  Pretty much true, because she could tell when she was getting past the 'work-out ache' -- the good kind -- into the pain that meant she'd gone too far.  _Usually_ she stopped then.

"Good.  Let's see."

She laid her left arm across the examining table and slowly rotated her wrist for him.  The goal was to be able to roll it, unassisted, from a palm-down position to palm-up, which she could naturally and easily do with her right hand.  She rolled the left one slightly more than halfway before it started shaking and refused to go any further.

"Excellent!  Excellent.  I can tell you're working on it."  One of his pretty hands patted her on the back.  "Progress might seem slow to you, but don't worry, you're on track.  Keep up the good work, Ellie.  And be safe."

Usually she felt proud (if a bit awkward) upon receiving such accolades.  Today it did nothing for her.  She was too disappointed that his solution to her disastrous plight was to just let things be.

 

* * *

 

Ellie lay on her back (on the bed for a change), trying to sleep, staring at a shadow on the ceiling as it began to move.  She wasn't concerned with the movement until she realized it was starting to seep over the entire ceiling, enveloping the room -- the whole _world_ , even, she could just feel it -- in darkness.  A sharp pain shot through her... originating in her stomach.  Except it must have been her uterus -- that creature in there was trying to get out.  It had razor-like talons that were going to rip her to shreds.  It kept stabbing and clawing as the room got darker and darker.  She screamed and no one heard it, they could never hear her -- but even if they did, what could they fucking _do?!_   No one would be coming to save her.  Each stab hurt more than the last, sucked a little more life out of her.  She didn't understand how the thing hadn't managed to cut its way through her yet.  Now she couldn't even _move_ , she was completely helpless, just like... She screamed and screamed--

And then suddenly there was light -- lots of it -- and she wasn't alone with the beast anymore.  She was sitting up, and someone was holding her, rocking her a little.  Someone else was sitting on the other side of her, stroking her arm, her shoulder...  Ed was watching from the doorway, looking on with... concern, or maybe pity.  The pain she felt now wasn't even bad, it was like... hunger pains. 

 _The whole thing was in my head._  

Tommy was rocking her, Maria was petting her.  Joel was...

"Joel!" she wailed -- out loud.  She was a little surprised she could hear herself.  _Could they hear me this time?_

"I could _kill_ your brother, babe," Maria muttered... to Tommy, obviously.

"Joel," Ellie lamented softly.  Of course he wasn't there.  She was irritated with herself for wanting him.

"You're not alone, Ellie," Tommy reminded her.  "Were you dreamin' about Joel?"

"It wasn't a dream.  But... no."

Ed exchanged some kind of look (Ellie wasn't sure what to make of it) with one or both of the others, smiled and nodded at Ellie, then left, closing the door behind him.

"You wanna tell us about it, honey?" asked Maria softly.

Ellie shook her head, pulling away from them to lay back down on the bed.  She lay on her side with her back towards them, facing the wall.  "Did you guys hear me?  Did I wake you up?"

"Yes, an’ no -- it ain't that late yet," Tommy replied.  He and Maria remained seated on the bed.  "You were hollerin' so loud we thought... we didn' know what to think.  Figured it was one hell of a nightmare."

For some reason, she was embarrassed to admit how often this happened, what a weakling she was now.  She could tell herself she didn't care what they thought, that they weren't even her real family -- less real than even Joel -- but clearly she did care, or it wouldn't bother her.  She didn't want them to think she was afraid of her dreams all the time, or that she couldn't tell the difference between a flashback and reality.  This was worse than having a flashback, though -- it was like a prediction of the future. 

"I want it out of me," she whined softly to the wall.

They were quiet for a moment.  They didn't ask her what she meant, so she figured they knew.  "There might not be anything there, we don't know for sure," said Maria.  "But if there is, we'll figure out how to deal with everything.  Okay?"

She felt the tears coming.  Her cheeks were wet already, so the vision or whatever must have already summoned them.  "But... but I don't _want_..." she sniffled.

"I know, sweetheart," Tommy cooed.  "Go back to sleep.  We'll stay with you."

She felt Tommy's hand rubbing her back, which was kind of nice... in a way, she was glad that at least Joel didn't have to see her like this.  Knowing that such filth was growing inside her, he would probably look at her with even more anger and disgust than usual. 

If he hadn't left her yet, this probably would have pushed him over the edge.

 

* * *

 

Tommy had Ellie-sitting duty the next day while Maria and her dad went out of town to what they referred to as a 'Jackson affiliate' -- a nearby farm.  He usually followed Maria's compassionate approach of letting Ellie do whatever she wanted (what she 'needed' to do, according to Maria), but not today.  He insisted that she come downstairs and eat at the table like a human being.  In his no-nonsense voice, which could sound a lot like Joel's when he wanted it to.  Ellie didn't have the energy to fight with him.

He also didn't feed her oatmeal.  He made what he called a 'Denver omelette,' but with an extra ingredient added -- tomatoes from the plants she'd abandoned.  If that was supposed to make her feel all warm'n'fuzzy inside, it didn't.  The meal did smell pretty damn good, though, she had to admit -- to herself, if not to him.  That was two battles he'd won today, and it wasn't even noon yet.

She knew something was up when she saw that he wasn’t sporting his usual pleasant expression at the table.  He was scowling.  Clearly unhappy about something.  "You look like Joel right now," she observed, feeling a pang in her heart just saying his name.

"I just spoke with Dr. Choi,” he announced.

Ellie dropped her fork.

Tommy glowered at her.  "Yeah.  He told me.  How could you even _think_ about doin' somethin' like that to yourself?"

"That fucking asshole!  I _told_ him I wasn't going to do it!  It was just a lame joke!"

"Apparently he didn' believe you.  Can't say I blame him."

"He had no right to-- that was a private conversation!"

"Ellie, do you have any idea how dangerous that is?"

"I told you, I'm not going to _do_ anything!"  Ellie seriously hadn't given that option much thought at all, other than to decide she really wouldn't have the fortitude required to stick something sharp way up inside herself like that anyhow.

"What about tryin' to get someone else to do it for you?  That's jus' as bad."

"I'm not gonna do that either," she said, probably a little less convincingly as she hadn't completely dismissed that one yet.  She decided to be honest about her current favorite option, which she'd started considering last night.  "I think the best thing would be to figure out how to get it to... go away on its own."

"Like a miscarriage."

"Yeah, exactly."  Ellie wondered if she could starve the thing out of her.  _I bet I could outlast the little fucker..._ If they'd _let_ her, that is.  That could be problematic.  She'd have to move back home... and would they let her do that?  _No._  If only she hadn't sent all that surplus marijuana back to the clinic with Joel!  They probably wouldn't give her any now.  Yeah, she'd hated using it, but in this case, it was the lesser of two evils... if it even did what she wanted.  Maybe it wouldn't really hurt the thing; it was just a plant, after all.  "Do you think the store would have anything about like... what causes those?" 

Tommy sighed.  "It could happen naturally, without you doin' a thing.  _If_ you're even pregnant.  But you can't hurt yourself to try to _force_ it to happen."

She mushed the eggs around on her plate, scowling at them.  "You have no idea... can you imagine what it feels like to have a... a black... disgusting... _thing,_ a creature... something _growing_ that's not supposed to be there, _inside_ of you?  Think about it."

"You're right.  I have no idea.  But, _if_ there's anythin' there, it ain't a thing, an' it's not disgusting.  It's a little person.  An innocent."

"There's nothing innocent about it!"

"Your imagination’s gettin' carried away.  If it's from... maybe it's fucked up how it got there, yeah.  But the baby itself--"

"It's not a baby."

"The _baby_ ," he insisted, "is not evil.  I get that you don' want a kid yet.  You're only sixteen.  You don' gotta keep it.  There are people in town who would be happy to take it and love it like it's their own.  People who can't have kids of their own, or there's a possibility that they can't... I can think of two households off the top of my head.  I know that would still be hard on you, but it's a way better option than tryin' to kill it."

Ellie stared at him.  _Is he serious?  He's serious._   He wanted her to give birth to the thing.  Like it wouldn't drive her completely batshit, having it inside her for an eternity.  "I don't even know how to make it through the _day_ , and you want me to... for _nine months_?  Tommy, I can't.  I can't do it."

"Only seven an' a half months left.  An' you _can_.  If you even have to."

"I _am_ pregnant," she scoffed.  "I know it."

"All right.  Say you are.  Have you considered that the baby could possibly be Bailey's?  Would you feel differently about it then?"

She sighed.  "Maria told you about _that,_ too?  God, no one in this town can keep their fucking mouth shut."

"Hey, Maria an' me, we got no secrets between us.  She didn' tell me your conversation word for word, if that's what you're thinkin'.  Jus’ the gist of it."

"Whatever.  Did she tell you it's way more likely to be a scumbag's kid than Bailey's?  What if... what if I have it and it looks exactly like one of them, every day I'd have to look at that..."  Although she already did that anyway, in a way... still, it had to be worse to see a little monster in the flesh than a ghosty thing in her mind.

"It won' look _exactly_ like 'em.  It's half _you_ , you know.  An' maybe it would look a lot like Bailey."

"Pfff.  It doesn't matter anyways because there's no way to find out _now_ , when it would be nice to know," she said dejectedly.

"That's right.  You don' _know_.  Maybe you could tell yourself it's Bailey's if it helps... helps you live with it."

"Right.  And maybe I should tell myself Joel's coming home today, too.  Every single day, tell myself the lie, like that will make it true," she said sourly.

"There is somethin' to be said about the power of positive thinkin'."

Ellie was starting to understand how Joel could get so annoyed with Tommy and his 'pollyanna crap' (Ellie didn't know who Pollyanna was, but Joel had explained the term to her).  "Oh, bullshit.  No matter what I _think_ , something is either true, or it isn't."

"But... _how_ you think, that's how you can cope with shit.  You're strong.  You can get through _any_ thing."

"I'm weak," she retorted.  "I used to be strong.  I can't fucking deal with this, Tommy.  I just can't.  You have no idea."

Tommy sighed again.  "I know it's hard.  After you're done eatin' we're gonna go pay a visit to Nana; she can prob'ly say stuff -- shit that helps -- better than I can."

Ellie groaned.  "I don't wanna go see her."

Tommy smirked.  "Notice I didn' ask this time?  We're goin'."

"She has all those kids running around, how am I even supposed to talk to her?!" she protested.

"I think seein' the kids might be good for you, too.  But one of the older ones can mind the younger ones for a bit so you can talk in private.  Or... I can help with that, if you'd rather not have me there with you an' her… if you want girl talk.  That part's up to you."

Ellie was sure all the kids hated her.  She'd killed their teacher, after all.  The beloved Miss Rachel.  Technically her hands were clean, but she was responsible for her death, which was just as bad.  Rachel's sobs still echoed in her head every day.  "Isn't it kinda rude to just barge in on her and expect her to wanna talk?"  _Right, because I'm never RUDE._ She had a feeling she wasn't going to get out of it this time.

"That's jus' how it's done, with Nana.  She's wanted to talk to you before, so I know she'd be willin'."

"Well, I don't wanna talk to _her."_ So Ellie _did_ know who Pollyanna was:  Nana was bound to worse than Tommy!

"Well!  You can sit there with her an' jus' not say a word then.  You can lead a horse to water..."

"What?"  If she had horses there, maybe it wouldn't be so bad.  Ellie did kind of miss riding, sometimes... but she wouldn't admit that to anyone.

"Nothin'.  I can drag you down there, but I can't make you talk.  Fifteen minutes, Ellie.  That's all I ask."

"So now you're asking?  Then sorry, but no."

"That's all I... _demand_ , then."  Tommy actually chuckled a little.  "You're makin' me feel like an asshole now.  I won' ask nothin' else of you the rest of the day, I promise."

"And tomorrow too?"

He hesitated.  Sighed.  "And tomorrow, too."

She supposed it wasn't so much to ask, and they'd asked so little of her in the month or so that she'd been with them.  Once Tommy saw that the visit didn't have the effect on her that he'd hoped, he'd stop trying to 'help' in such bothersome ways.  "Fifteen minutes.  And no, like... hugging and crap.  She's a hugger."

"No hugs.  Jus' talkin', or sittin' there in silence, if you prefer."

How awful could it be, really?  She'd certainly been through worse.  "Okay."


	11. Clocks

Nana and Ellie were sitting on the back porch, watching the kids (and several adults) playing in the yard... some game that involved a lot of shrieking and running around.  They were far enough away that their conversation wouldn't be overheard.  Ellie sipped her lemonade, which was usually her favorite thing to drink on a warm day, but now that she was subhuman, she could barely taste it.  _The monster would probably prefer to feed off my internal organs rather than anything I might consume,_ she thought meanly.

She would have tolerated Tommy's presence, but a couple of the kids had dragged him off to play as soon as they laid eyes on him, with Ellie's blessing.  Nana had the biggest backyard of anyone in town, and not by accident.  Her primary job was daycare, with some help from other residents, and sometimes other parents who didn't need daycare but brought their kids over to socialize.  Her secondary job seemed to be giving therapy, even though she'd never been a trained therapist.  She had a huge heart, especially for children, but plenty of adults bent her ear with their problems, too.  According to her, she mostly just listened to people.  A lot of times, that was all they needed.

Ellie didn't _dislike_ the woman -- it was hard to dislike someone whose smile was so genuine, who was so bubbly and happy all the time, and seemed to _live_ to serve other people's needs -- she just didn't see how spilling her guts to her would help anything.  Nana could comfort anyone from a kid crying over a scraped knee to an adult crying over a dead loved one, treating each like a terrible tragedy that warranted the most sympathy ever -- but she wasn't magical and all-powerful.  Her real name was Amy, but only people her age or older were allowed to call her that.  Even Joel had to call her Nana.

Ellie wondered if Tommy thought one chat with Nana would cure all that ailed her.  He'd warned Nana that Ellie was reluctant to come, not eager to talk, and Nana agreed they could just sit for a while in silence if Ellie wanted to.  Stubbornly, that was exactly what Ellie wanted to do:  sit there mute for hours and hours, for so long that eventually Tommy would have to admit he'd made a mistake -- then take her home and never make her go anywhere again.

But... she just couldn't do it.  Nana knew better than to try to make small talk with her, or spew bullshit at her, or ask personal questions to stimulate conversation... she was sitting there sipping lemonade, watching the kids play, glancing at Ellie every so often with a docile expression on her face, deferential even to a sulky teenage bitch who didn't deserve anyone's respect.  After probably less than a minute of silence, Ellie began with, "Did Tommy tell you why we're here?"  Clearly he hadn't told her upon arrival, or Ellie would have heard him.  But she knew they'd been in touch.

"Well... I know he's worried about you.  That you've been through a lot lately."  She was a petite woman with kind hazel eyes and soft features.  Short, fine white hair, the ends curling at odd angles around her ears.  More wrinkles than Joel.  Ellie felt fairly at ease with her, even though she barely knew her.  She chalked it up to the woman's unassuming, sweet-looking face.

"Yeah, that... and I'm pregnant.  From that night," Ellie mumbled into her glass.  No 'maybe' or 'might be' -- it was a fact, as far as Ellie was concerned.  No mention that it could be Bailey's.  Still, she felt ashamed, admitting it like that.  Just being pregnant was like an advertisement of having sex.  _Why did I even tell her?_

Nana seemed genuinely surprised, so maybe Tommy _had_ kept his mouth shut.  "Oh.  Wow, that's a doozy.  Ellie, I'm so sorry."

"And apparently there's no way to get rid of it."  Ellie suddenly wondered if Nana might be willing to help her in that regard... although she imagined the woman's feelings on the matter were similar to the doctor's, given how she felt about children.  _Yeah, probably a long shot..._

"Get rid of it... as in terminate the pregnancy?" Nana asked.

"Yeah.  Terminate it."  She liked that word.  Termination sounded less harsh than abortion.

"No, there's not.  No _safe_ way.  Even before the world went to hell, it wasn't risk-free, or easy.  There's always... ramifications," she echoed Dr. Choi.

 _I don't care about the ramifications!  Ugh._   "So I'm supposed to just sit around and hope I have a miscarriage.  Great."

"That's not without ramifications either," Nana replied calmly.  At least she didn't appear to be freaked out or shocked by Ellie's desire to have this pregnancy _terminated_.

"What, the pain?  I'm sure it hurt worse when the... when it was created."  She snorted.

"It would hurt you emotionally, psychologically..."

Ellie shook her head.  "You sound like Dr. Choi.  I don't _want_ this thing.  If it goes away, I'd be..." _Happy?_   No.  There was no happiness left in this world for her.  But she'd be less miserable.  She just let the sentence die out.

Nana didn't ask her to finish it.  "You're concerned about the emotional turmoil if you go through with the pregnancy.  I don't mean to... diminish, or... dismiss your feelings.  But if your life is at stake--"

"It's _my_ life.  I can fucking risk it if I want to!  Or I _should_ be able to."  Unbidden, Joel's words from nearly two years ago came to mind:  _"Do you have any idea what your life is worth?"_ he'd said.  _Yeah, I do:  NOTHING._

"Frustrating that the choice has been taken from you, I'm sure," Nana sympathized.  "That you have to make the best of a bad situation.  Make lemonade out of lemons, they used to say."

Ellie snorted again.  "Is that why we're drinking lemonade?"

"Sure.  Why not."  Nana paused to take a drink, and looked at her thoughtfully.  "It doesn't seem real to you yet, hmm?  That you have a baby growing inside you?"

"It's not a baby!  I wish everyone would quit calling it that.  That makes it sound like... like something _good_."

Nana's smile didn't annoy her like the doctor's had; there was nothing smug or patronizing in it.  "That's what it _is_.  Babies are a blessing, Ellie."

 _Here it comes... brace yourself, Ellie._   "Not rape babies -- they're more like a curse."

Nana didn't flinch at the term.  "Even rape babies are blessings.  Ellie... I'm not trying to tell you that what you want is wrong.  But since what you want is not an option available to you, maybe you can... shift your thinking a little?  The child is innocent... he or she deserves a loving home.  And it wouldn't have to be _your_ home.  There are _lots_ of people in this town who would welcome a baby into their lives.  They wouldn't care who the father is."

Yep, as predicted, now the woman was echoing Tommy.  "Would _you?"_ Ellie couldn't resist asking.

"If I were in your shoes?  I can't say I wouldn't care at all, I'm sure--"

"No, I mean would you welcome this..." _Monster.  Thing.  Abomination._   "...this one.  To be its parent."

Nana chuckled.  "I would adore the child, certainly, but someone younger would be more ideal.  I'm sixty-six years old, I might not have another eighteen years in me!"

Eighteen, that magical number.  Ellie felt like she'd already been an adult for a long time.  A _young_ adult, maybe, before.  But thinking back to even just two months ago, when she'd felt as close to carefree as she'd ever been in her life... surely that was a childish notion, being carefree.  She'd aged _years_ since then.  "But you have kids here that are like yours, right?  Orphans?"

"I do.  The youngest is eight.  He's had some behavior issues... that's a deterrent for many people.  These kids are traumatized, and a lot of people... they don't really know how to handle that, or they _can't_ handle it -- or just plain don't _want_ to handle it if they don't have to.  If they don't have any bond with the child, some child they don't know at all, they won't take that on, most of them."

Ellie's little friend who'd died, Mandy, hadn't lived there.  She'd had an older brother... an _alleged_ older brother, anyway.  Ellie had the feeling that they were another pseudo-family, not blood relatives; manufactured from spare parts.  She thought of something Joel had told her a few months back -- or rather, some _one_.  "But even _you_ don't keep all of them," she said.  "Not the really fucked up ones."

Nana nodded.  "You heard about Charlie."

Charlie, the little girl with the boy's name.  Joel thought it was probably a form of Charlotte or Charlene, but no one knew -- not even the girl herself, it seemed.  Eleven years old, dangerously unstable.  Ellie had met her once, and she hadn't liked the vibe she'd gotten from the girl; all children were _not_ pure and sweet and good simply by virtue of being a child. 

"She was a handful.  Still is.  I visit her from time to time.  I would have loved to try to help her, but... not at the risk of the other children.  Some of them, kids like her... they've just suffered too much for too long... it's hard to reach them.  Not so with a little baby brand new to the world.  They're easy to love."  Nana smiled dreamily then, as if imagining some sweet, cuddly little newborn. 

Ellie wondered how quickly that smile would disappear when she saw the evil in this thing.  _"Oh no!"_ Nana would exclaim.  _"I had no idea it would be so... you were right, Ellie, we should have helped you kill this awful beast.  No one could ever love it."_

But what Nana had said earlier made Ellie think of Joel.  Joel hadn't wanted to deal with her at first.  She'd proven herself useful to him in saving his life -- _then_ he wanted to keep her.  Ellie knew that wasn't entirely how it had gone down, but it gave her some kind of perverse pleasure to think that Joel was only using her, and when she got to be too much _work_ , he bolted.  Just like every other fucking person she ever tried to hold on to.  There couldn't be something wrong with _all_ of them; clearly it was her, the common denominator. 

"Did Tommy tell you Joel left?” Ellie asked.  “That the people he left with came back but he didn't?  He's never coming back."  She controlled her voice enough that it sounded casual, nonchalant... like she didn't give a fuck if he ever came back.

"I did hear that he's still out hunting, but not that he's never coming back.  What happened?"

"Nothing -- he just doesn't want to be here with me anymore," she said coolly.

"I don't believe that.  Not for one second.  He must have another reason."

"Not a good one."  Ellie had imagined Nana telling her that Joel was just a jerk then, and she'd be better off without him -- that she didn't need him.  It actually made her feel a little bit hopeful that Nana didn't believe he'd ditched her for good.

"No wonder you're having such a hard time.  The two of you were... inseparable.  He'll be back," Nana said with a confidence Ellie didn't dare believe.

"I'm not gonna talk about Joel."  Ellie closed the subject before she could get emotional.

"Okay," Nana said agreeably.  "What about your friend who was killed?  Bailey?  Do you want to talk about him?"  Her voice was kind... gentle.  Inviting.

Ellie shook her head emphatically.  "I can't," she mumbled.

"Too painful," Nana (correctly) surmised.  "Some people find it helpful to talk through things..."

"Well, I don't."  She snorted.  "I'm just like Joel, huh.  We're not even related."

Nana smiled.  "Possibly why you two connected in the first place.  One reason, anyway."

"Maybe.  I don't wanna talk about him!" Ellie declared crossly -- as if Nana were the one who had just mentioned his name.

Nana took it in stride, though.  "Right, right.  The baby."

"The _creature,_ " Ellie corrected her.

"Embryo, if you prefer, or fetus.  Still a tiny human life."

"It's not human," she mumbled.  She set her lemonade on the table and fiddled with the end of her shirt.  Ellie didn't want to tell Nana about her visions.  She'd probably think Ellie was crazy.  _I AM crazy, though.  It's not untrue._ Still, it was better to let her think she meant a sack of cells that didn't seem human _yet_.

Nana was quiet for a moment.  "Do you think you would recover faster, from this terrible thing that happened to you, if the unborn child... died?  I don't believe that you would."

Ellie sighed.  "I know what you're doing.  Trying to get me to think of it as a real baby and not a... whatever.  No, it's not that.  Because I know I won't recover, period."  She glanced at Nana, who looked… rather stricken.  _What's it to her?_ Ellie wondered. 

"Oh, that must be a _dreadful_ feeling.  To have no hope."

"This is where you tell me that I _will_ recover, it will just take time," Ellie remarked dryly.

"Is that what you want to hear?" Nana asked softly.

"Pfff.  No.  ...yes?  I mean, I wish it was true, but it's just _not_."

"The human spirit is a remarkable thing.  People are capable of getting through so much more than they ever expected to."

Ellie thought of Joel, how he'd been broken for so long after losing Sarah... _maybe he's still broken.  Maybe I didn't actually put the pieces back together the way everyone thought I did... or if I did, maybe I broke him again._   She remained quiet. 

"The way you feel now, will not be the way you’ll feel a year from now, two years from now... it will get better," Nana said reassuringly.  "I wish I could tell you that if you suffer for... a certain number of weeks, months... some measurable thing... then it will be over, but it doesn't work like that."

"It's never going to be over," Ellie insisted.

"You're right, in a way.  But the pain does change... it becomes more bearable, lets you get on with your life."

 _My life is already over,_ Ellie thought.  But she couldn't _say_ things like that to people.  She just sat there sullenly, plucking at her shirt.

"You don't believe that will happen this time?"

"This time?" Ellie parroted.

"You've been through many tough situations in your life, have you not?  A lot of pain?"

Ellie sighed again.  "This is different.  It's... it's too much.  Everyone thinks I'm strong, and I don't know why they think that because I'm obviously not."

"I suppose I'm part of 'everyone,' then, because I do think you're strong.  Stronger than you know.  Why don't you think so?  Do you think you should have been able to prevent it from happening?"

"Which part?"

"Any of it."

Ellie snorted.  "Yeah -- _all_ of it.  Everything would be normal if I didn't get this awesome idea to sneak out in the middle of the night, and go make a bunch of noise to draw attention to the fact that there's these two naked people just begging to be mugged -- yeah, naked, so they can't even defend themselves real well.  Kinda hard to wear a gun without your clothes on.  And, hey, naked chick!  She must be a slut!  Cool, let's beat her up and have sex with her, we don't even have to rip off her clothes!  The boyfriend won't like that -- well, let's just kill him, get him out of the way.  -They were supposed to kill me, too.  I don't know why the fucker was okay with raping me but not killing me."

Nana didn't cringe at her frankness.  So Ellie continued, keeping her tone bitter rather than emotional.  "And then, I show up at the funeral.  Like I have any right to be there -- there wouldn't even _be_ a funeral if it wasn't for me.  And everyone there wonders why it was him and not me.  It should've been me, everyone knows it.  _I_ know it.  I upset Rachel so much that she-- she goes home and blows her brains out.  And even if you say that's not my fault, that it was her choice, whatever fucking lame bullshit -- nope!  She'd have no reason to do it in the first place if her son hadn't... if I hadn't _killed_ him.  So, still me, however you wanna look at it."

Ellie still wasn't done.  "And Joel -- he's angry.  All the time.  At me, at the situation... at the world.  He leaves.  He's prob'ly killed like a hundred more people by now, so that's on me, too.  Maybe he's even dead himself."  Her voice caught a little at that last bit, and she felt the bravado slipping.  She squeezed her eyes shut to ward off tears.  "I'm like this... _curse_.  Spreading pain and death and... just... this... I dunno.  But everyone I care about... eventually, they..."  She opened her eyes and looked across the table at that kind face.  "I'm not a good person, Nana.  I guess I look like one or something cuz people keep... trying to be nice to me."

Nana's eyes looked a little moist, and Ellie wondered why; after all the sob stories the woman must have heard in her lifetime, she should be immune or something by now.  Hardened.  Desensitized.  But the voice that answered Ellie's little outburst was brimming with empathy.  "Bad things happen to good people all the time in this world, Ellie.  _All_ the time.  You _deserve_ to have people be nice to you.  You need love and support to... to heal."

Ellie took a shaky breath.  "I know I should be grateful to have people around who care about me... a few years ago, I had no friends, no family, I pretty much tried to glom on to anyone who was even a tiny bit nice to me."

"I'm glad you have people in your life now who care," Nana said kindly.  "But you say that you... _should_ be grateful?  Are you not?"

"If I was grateful, I'd be happy," she reasoned.  It felt like a lifetime ago now, but there was a time she would have been ecstatic over just a fraction of the attention and provisions she currently had.  "God, I'm such a selfish bitch."

Nana shook her head.  "You're trying to be logical about it.  Emotions aren't logical.  You're hurting, you're... blind to the good things, because the bad ones have kind of... taken over.  Right?"

 _There ARE no good things!_ Ellie thought exasperatedly -- and then she realized that wasn't logical, because obviously, Tommy and Maria and Eddie and having a fucking house to live in with water and electricity and food every day... those were all good things, things that many people didn't have.  She sighed.  "So... if the bad ones win, it doesn't matter.  They poison all the good.  What I have now... I won't always have, it'll be gone like everything else."

Nana looked pensive, and took a long moment to answer.  "Ellie, have you ever studied Buddhism?  I think you might find some... some solace, in those teachings..."

Ellie kind of remembered learning about various religions in some school or another, but she'd memorized whatever she was supposed to for a test and then promptly forgotten it.  She stiffened.  "I'm not religious.  None of that shit makes any sense to me.  No offense."

Nana smiled.  "None taken.  I'm not talking about any sort of organized religion.  But the beliefs themselves, a way of looking at the world... the views on attachment and suffering, in particular.  You might find it helpful."

"I doubt it."  Her stomach churned queasily.  Ellie drank some more lemonade, hoping it would settle the beast in there. 

"How about this:  I'll find you a book on Buddhism at the store -- you can look at it or not, your choice.  You can read it and decide it's a steaming pile of horseshit and tell me so, if you'd like."

"Whatever."  The 'horseshit' comment was kind of amusing; she'd never heard 'Nana Pollyanna' cuss before.

If Ellie could learn how to hang on to the people she loved from a fucking _book_ of all things... _but it's too late_.  And that was only part of her problem.  Would it teach her how to get rid of the memories that kept tormenting her, reminding her what she'd done and what she'd become?  Would it erase the fear that followed her everywhere -- fear that even Joel, her hero, couldn't eradicate for her?  Would it teach her how to feel something besides sad/angry/numb?  ( _and 'guilty'... can't forget that one... although it's a subset of 'sad', I guess..._ ) In any case, it couldn't do a damn thing to get rid of the monster living in her belly.  As far as what she was willing to tell Nana, she'd stick with the first issue -- the one she'd been dealing with her whole life.  "It doesn't matter.  Sooner or later I drive everyone away."

"Not that one, you won't."  Nana gestured to Tommy, who had been reduced to a comical heap on the ground with like five or six kids trying to pile on top of him, all giggling. 

It made Ellie's heart hurt, and she had to look away. 

Her gaze fell upon a little boy not playing with Tommy and the others, sitting by the fence, solemnly dragging a stick around in the dirt.  Probably four or five years old.  He glanced over at the shrieking, giggling masses every so often, but not with longing or contempt or even just curiosity... or so it seemed to Ellie.  She wondered what he was thinking.  Him, it didn't hurt to watch.  It was probably the exact opposite of what one was supposed to feel when comparing the two scenarios; really, what kind of weirdo didn't like to watch happy children playing?  _Fucked up attracts fucked up, then?_

"And Maria..." Nana was saying, "she might not be as... well, she can be tough, but she's loyal... they do consider you part of their family, you know."

Ellie didn't think of her as 'tough,' per se, just that there was a certain... hardness in her disposition, some quality Ellie didn't see in Tommy, even when he was trying to be strict and serious.  But Ellie couldn't let the family comment slide by unanswered.  "So did Joel," she scoffed.  Tommy and Maria were great and all, but they weren't _Joel_.  He was irreplaceable. _Like a REAL father..._

"And I'm sure he still does.  You didn't scare him off.  He'll be back."

"You don't know that!  Nobody knows that!  If you know for sure he's coming back, tell me _when_ ," she challenged.

"Whenever he's ready to."

"That's not a real answer."

"It's the truth."

"No.  Because you can't promise me that.  Maybe he's ready and on his way back and then _BAM!_   Someone kills him.  Just like that.  And we'd never know.  Maybe he met someone, someone who needs help, and he -- he has this thing about having something to fight for, see, and maybe this new person needs help going somewhere -- like maybe getting across the country.  Maybe Joel ends up back in Boston.  It'd be the same difference as if he was dead cuz I _wouldn't know_.  But Bailey -- he's -- I know where he is.  I put him there."  Her voice wavered again.  "I know you're gonna say it wasn't me... the only one responsible for his death is the piece of shit who killed him.  Never mind that.  -Joel didn't just leave to find those guys.  He left because I wasn't doing what he wanted.  All he wanted me to do was try to be normal.  If I'd only just... like, _faked_ it... or if just one time I told him that he _was_ helping me... maybe he wouldn't have left."  Ellie scoffed at herself.  "I guess I _did_ wanna talk about Joel, huh."

Nana was sympathetic as ever.  "Honey, I think you make an awful lot of assumptions... about what people are thinking... what they're feeling... did Joel actually _tell_ you that he would leave if you didn't... act 'normal'?"

 _Oh shit, here come the tears_.  She blinked against them.  "No.  I wish he had, then I could've just done what he wanted.  He didn't tell me he was leaving at all.  He said he _wouldn't_ leave and... I believed him.  So stupid, right?"  She swiped at her eyes.

"You trusted him.  That's not stupid.  It was wrong of him to leave without letting you know.  But... I'm sure he wasn't just trying to make you act 'normal' -- he thought it would help you feel better.  Sometimes if you go about your business and... do the things you used to do, even if it feels strange to you, or... you don't enjoy it the way you used to... it can help.  Maybe he thought you needed a little push -- but you weren't ready.  We're all wired differently... like clocks that tick at different speeds, and we can't... sync up with someone else's idea of how long things should take.  Do you know what I'm saying?  It's not something you did _wrong_."

Part of Ellie wanted to take comfort in that.  It _sounded_ good (even if the clock thing was a little weird; didn't they all run at the same speed?).  But the other part of her -- the part that knew herself and Joel better than Nana did -- thought it was bullshit.  "I guess I should be glad he's gone because he would _never_ be able to handle this... gross..." She gestured to her belly with disgust.

"The baby's not gross," Nana said firmly.  "Ellie, I'm going to tell you something... something that was told to me in confidence, but I think it would be beneficial for you to know, and... well, both parties are gone now.  It's about Bailey.  And his mom.  You might already know this, if he told you..."

A knife twisted in Ellie's heart just hearing Nana speak his name.  "Maybe I shouldn't know.  If he didn't tell me."

"Did he tell you about his father?"

"Yeah.  He died when Bailey was really little.  He doesn't even-- _didn't_ , even remember him."

Nana studied her for a moment.  "He didn't tell you, then."

"Tell me what?"

"He never knew his father because he -- Bailey -- was the result of... an assault on his mother."

Ellie gasped.  She almost hopped out of her chair, but quickly realized that she didn't want to do anything to draw Tommy's attention.  "No way.  You're making that up!  Why the fuck -- do you think that'll make me not want to get rid of this -- this--"

"I'm not making it up," Nana replied calmly.  "Her friend Joyce knows, you can ask her if you'd like." 

"Joyce?  What about Tommy?  If I ask him, he'll say-- or... is that why he wanted me to talk to you?"  Although Ellie didn't know why Tommy wouldn't just tell her about that right after they'd started wondering if she was pregnant.

"No, Tommy doesn't know," Nana confirmed.  "To my knowledge, at least.  I think, given the circumstances, he may have decided to tell you, if he knew."  When Ellie remained quiet, she continued.  "Now, Bailey... he got upset when his mother finally told him.  Only about a year ago, I think it was.  It was after they came to Jackson.  She thought he was old enough to know the truth.  To know why it was that whenever he asked her about his dad, she only gave vague answers at best, then changed the subject.  He was angry.  He said she shouldn't have told him, that it was better for him to think his dad was a good guy who'd been killed.  Like so many others.  But... the truth of it, about his father... that's not so uncommon these days.  So much violence out there."

Ellie felt a little dizzy just thinking about it.  "But... Bailey's not-- he wasn't a monster."

"He wasn't at all," Nana agreed.  "I knew her better than I knew him, but from everything she said, and from what I observed, he was... a kind, sweet... gentle boy.  As decent as they come.  Loved his mother.  Loved you too, I'm sure."

Ellie's mind was reeling.  "God.  How could Rachel _stand_ it?"

"She told me she struggled with it, as you're struggling now.  Thought about abortion, even though she was raised to think that was wrong.  Whether it's right or wrong... that's not for me to say.  Women used to have a choice in the matter.  Now... it's much, much harder to have an abortion.  I know the medical staff here can't do them.  The woman would have to travel to a functioning hospital to even have a _chance_ at doing it safely.  Back when Rachel was pregnant, I think there may have been more of those around than there are today.  But... she realized she couldn't go through with it, even if she found a way.  She said she realized that life is a miracle, and... that innocent child deserved a chance.  She wanted to be a mother someday; it just happened a little sooner than she expected.  Granted, she was older then than you are now.  Mid-twenties.  But she was scared... terrified, even.  And yet, by the time Bailey was born, she already loved him _so_ much."

Ellie stopped pawing at her eyes as the silent tears flowed down her face like a river, because there was no point.  "He should still be alive.  He's worth, like, ten of me," she sniffled.

Nana reached across the table and put her hand over Ellie's.  "You're worth _plenty_.  And that's not how the universe works, you know.  If it was... the terrible things that happened to you two never would have happened at all.  You're _both_ good." 

"I really can't talk about this anymore," Ellie whispered.  If the woman didn't shut up, Ellie was going to have to tune her out.

But Nana respected that she'd reached her breaking point.  "Okay.  You don't have to decide what to do now.  You don't have to decide for a long time.  Just think about it... discuss all the options with your family."

Ellie didn't bother correcting her on the family label, or making another snarky comment.  "I will."

She patted Ellie's hand and stood up.  "I'm gonna go get some snacks ready for the children.  Would you like to join me?  Or if you'd rather stay here, that's fine too."

Ellie opted to stay there, to get her thoughts in order before Tommy or the kids came over.  She let her hands fall to her belly, which wasn't protruding noticeably yet.  _What if it's a sweet little Bailey in there, not some filthy abomination?  But... wouldn't I KNOW?_   She didn't feel any love for it -- any connection at _all_ to it.  If it were really a monster... well, the answer would be simple:  kill it.  Just like when you stumble upon infected -- you don't have to debate whether or not the creatures should be killed.  They'd been human at one point in time, but the quality of their lives went to shit when they turned.  Killing them was not just a smart way to stay safe -- it was the humane thing to do.  Was she just looking for an easy out?  With humans -- even hunters -- it wasn't so black and white.  _Joel was a hunter once, too..._

It took Tommy only a couple minutes to notice that Ellie was now alone, and he extracted himself from the boisterous kids to go to her.  The kids didn't follow him, so maybe he'd told them to keep playing.  Tommy plopped down in the seat Nana had vacated.  "Hey.  How'd it go?  Any hugs?"

Ellie snorted.  "Only a hand pat."

"Are you okay?  I mean... considerin'."

"Well... I don't know what to do, still, and... I'm still freaked out by the idea of... everything.  But you don't have to worry, I'm not going to try to... terminate it."

"You're not," he repeated, like he wanted to be sure he'd heard her correctly.  "You sure?"

She nodded.  _If Rachel could stand it, so can I._  "Promise."

"Okay then.  Whew!  That's a relief.  Thank you for tellin' me."

Ellie was touched that he cared; it continued to surprise her.  But she didn't say so.  And she didn't want to talk about it with Tommy any more than she'd wanted to continue with Nana.  "Tommy, who's that kid over there by the fence?  Is he just shy, or...?"

Tommy didn't have to follow her gaze to know who she was talking about.  "He's new.  No one knows his name.  He ain't said a word since he got here, couple weeks ago.  Not one single word."

"Where are his--" She groaned at her dumb question.  "Well, duh, obviously if he had parents, you'd know his name.  Dead?"

"We assume so," Tommy answered soberly.  "Scoutin' party found him 'bout ten miles from here, an' one of them took him in, at least for now... the boy was the only one alive, at the scene.  Had blood on him, but he wasn' hurt.  They estimated he must've been there a few days, maybe a week, after..."

"Jesus."  Ellie could only imagine what the boy had witnessed.  "That's just..."

"Yeah.  Good thing they found him when they did."

For once, the tears she was fighting had nothing to do with herself or the mess she'd made of her life.  _What a shitty, fucked up world this is._  "Can we go home now?  Please?  I need to be alone for a while."

"'Course.  Any time you wanna come back an' talk more I'm sure Nana'd be happy to see you."

"Yeah, maybe... but she said I should talk to you.  I know I... kinda suck at that."

Tommy smiled a little.  "Practice makes perfect.  I'm always here for you.  You know that, don'tcha?"

"Except when you're not home," Ellie pointed out flatly.  A cheeky comment without the cheek.

Tommy's smile grew, and Ellie realized he was glad she was joking a little with him -- a flash of the old Ellie, the one that had died that night.  "Well, then someone at that house can call me an' I'll come runnin'."

"What if you're in the middle of something crazy-important?"

"Even then."

Ellie knew she'd never ask that of him.  He probably knew it too, so he could say things like that and not have to mean them.  Still, it was supposed to feel good, to know that someone valued her so much... but she couldn't go there.

 _The old Ellie is still dead... ghosts resemble who they used to be, but it doesn't make them alive.._. And she reminded herself that she couldn't afford to take comfort in words... fluffy, pretty words that sounded nice and rich but were actually hollow on the inside, empty as an echo.

 

* * *

 

Ellie did actually feel a little better, after that talk.

For a little while.

That was the problem; talking might provide some sort of temporary relief, but it didn't actually _fix_ anything that was wrong.  Bailey and Rachel were dead.  Joel had left her.  She was pregnant with an eternal reminder of the worst night of her life.  The world was fucked up beyond repair.  Sooner or later, everything that was good would be destroyed, in one way or another.

She lay on her bed, staring at a water stain on the ceiling -- the shadow from her dream.  This time it retained its actual size and shape.  She alternated between staring and zoning out.  She'd begged off dinner, saying she felt sick and reminding Tommy that he'd given her a free pass for the next day and a half.  He didn't argue, but said he'd come bring her some warm milk later, and that was fine with Ellie.  It was supposed to help her sleep.  Ellie figured with all the spacing out she did, that made up for plenty of lost sleep, and her fatigue was really due to the demon inside her sucking as much energy as it could.

Finding out about Bailey's parentage didn't change how she felt about him at all -- except maybe to feel a smidge hurt that he hadn't told her himself.  Maybe he would have, after they'd been together longer.  Maybe he was too busy denying it to himself.  It really didn't matter now.  She wondered, had Bailey lived and his mother had no reason to hate her, if Rachel would have felt motivated to offer her support now, knowing that she would be in a unique position to understand what she was going through.  Or maybe _not_ so unique, if rape was as common as Nana said.

The opinion she really wanted was Joel's.  He couldn't look at her -- couldn't stand being around her -- so how could he possibly feel anything but disgust for the spawn of something so awful?  And even if by some miracle, Bailey was the father, it still had a rapist for a grandfather, then.  Maybe these traits could skip generations.  Who could say?

Maybe it would be born infected.  She couldn't exactly ask the doctor about that, but the thought had crossed her mind.  When she and Joel had speculated about it once (hypothetically, of course), Joel seemed to think it would be the opposite -- that any kids she had would be born with her immunity.  It had led the conversation to a ridiculous place.

_"Well, if you're right, I should like... become a baby factory or something."_

_"A baby factory?"_

_"Yeah.  If all my kids are immune, I could raise an army -- we could kick some serious ass."_

_"In another couple decades, maybe."_

_"No-- well, yeah, but I'd train them real young.  Because all of them would have to be baby factories, too!  The girls, at least.  Do you think boys would be able to pass it on?"_

_"Hmm.  Nah, I don' think so, all that shit usually comes from the mother, I think.  Boys would be pretty useless.  You better only have girls."_

_"Okay. Say I have ten girls.  As soon as they're like thirteen or fourteen they each start up their own factories, start having their own girls. Within two generations that'll be like a hundred girls, right?  Me and my girl army can travel around the country -- around the fucking WORLD -- and no one will be able to stop us, we'll obliterate the infected once and for all!"_

_"Uh, one problem with that."_

_"What?  It's brilliant."_

_"You ain't gonna know for sure if they're immune unless they get bitten or scratched or somethin'.  Maybe it's not somethin' that always gets passed down?"_

_"Oh shit!  I'd have to test them first... maybe we could find one of those spore flower things... -No, you'd have to remember to put your mask on all the time, too annoying... okay, so we get like a cage or something -- I'm sure you could build one -- and go find a Clicker to keep as a pet.  Then we--"_

_"A Clicker?  Why not just a Runner?"_

_"Duh -- all that moaning they do would drive us crazy.  Clickers just click, unless you get them worked up."_

_"I don' know... that clickin' noise is pretty fuckin' creepy."_

_"Fine, a Stalker... no, a Bloater!  Ha!  Yeah, I'm sure we'd have noooo problem finding and catching one of them!"_

_"Oh, no trouble at all.  How exactly are we gonna get the Bloater to just take a little nibble and not rip their faces off?"_

_"Hmm.  I see your point.  It should be a Runner then, you're right.  As soon as it bites, you have to pull it off the girl and punch it so we can get away from it and lock it back up.  It has to be you cuz if I punched it I think it would just laugh at me or something, and if I shoot it or stab it and then it dies, we're screwed, but if you just hit it once..."_

_"All right, I can do that.  Then we wait and see if she turns.  If she does turn...?"_

_"Then... then the Runner gets a friend!  Yeah!  Cuz I'm not gonna kill my own child.  Maybe you should make a really big cage, in case that happens a lot.  Oh and then if I accidentally kill one, it wouldn't matter, so you wouldn't have to do all that hitting if you didn't feel like it.  Except, then I'd still be killing my child... sorry, I think you'd better keep doing the hitting."_

_"So... are you makin' an army of girls or an army of infected?"_

_"Uh... right.  I guess it might be both?"_

Ellie both loved and hated remembering shit like that.  Those days were over, and not just because Joel was gone... but him being gone did make the memories all the more painful.  Sometimes she missed him so much she truly thought she couldn't stand not seeing him for one more minute.

But she did stand it.  She had no choice.

 _I'm starting the girl army -- unless it's a boy, of course -- without you, Joel... just not exactly how I imagined it._   All ridiculous fantasies aside... Joel wouldn't want her to keep something spawned from such filth -- from the filth he'd set out to kill.  She was sure of that.

And there she was, making more assumptions, like Nana had said.  If she never saw Joel again, his opinion didn't mean shit anyway.

She wanted no part of this.  Shouldn't mothers love their children?  That settled it; she'd give it away, to a family that would want it.  And then probably have to leave town to get away from it completely.  Ellie tried flip-flopping that scenario -- leaving to give it to someone outside of Jackson County, so she could return to town -- but logistically, that didn't seem feasible.  Joel would never have let her leave like that, at least not on her own.  Would Tommy?  As Joel's brother, he was probably her 'next of kin' for all intents and purposes... except that without Joel, they had no connection.  Just a bunch of words, which could be forgotten as easily as they were spoken.

If only Joel would come back!

She felt like she could get through this if he were with her.  Her burdens were so much heavier with him gone, and his departure had only added to the lot.

Longing to see Joel and missing him like crazy usually led to getting angry at him.  Now... she just felt an overwhelming sadness.  Bailey's death had left an irreparable hole in her soul -- the part of her that had belonged to him.  But the bigger part of her soul was Joel's, and he'd left her _on purpose_ \-- it was a whole different brand of pain.

Without even really comprehending what she was doing, Ellie found herself pulling open the drawer of her night stand and picking up the pistol Tommy had given her.  It was loaded.  Ready for action.  She idly turned it over in her hands, slowly, several times... she fell into a weird sort of daze, finding it oddly comforting simply to hold so much power in her hands.  _One pull of the trigger and I won't feel anything ever again.  No more missing Joel and Bailey.  No more heartache, guilt, fear, despair, shame, worthlessness... no more fucking PAIN.  Joel would be sorry he'd abandoned me then, wouldn't he!_

And then something snapped in her head.  What an utterly _childish_ thought that last one was, and before that... _what the fuck, Ellie?!_ Horrified at her thoughts, she hastily returned the gun to the drawer and slammed it shut, then retreated to the floor next to the closet.  She didn't go inside it this time.  Just sat in front of it, gathering her knees up to her chest, and rocked herself a little.  Back and forth.... She may have spaced out at least for a little while... then suddenly she became aware of the absolute stillness and quiet of the room.  Not even the ticking of the little clock by her bed, since she'd unplugged it her first day there.

She did hear some muffled sounds from downstairs, though.  Voices.  The TV.

She gingerly opened her door and quietly moved to the railing that led to the staircase.  She saw Maria and Tommy on the couch -- the backs of their heads, anyway.  They were watching something Ellie didn't recognize; she couldn't see the screen from up there, but she could hear voices and other noises coming from the TV, at a low volume.  She lay down there on her side in the hall, her face against the rail, and closed her eyes.  She didn't want to try to follow the story, she just wanted it to serve as white noise... the muffled TV sounds occasionally punctuated with comments from Maria or Tommy. 

It was dark outside, probably late enough that Ed had gone to bed already, but the hall light was on, so if he were to come out of his room, he wouldn't accidentally step on Ellie or anything.  She decided she would go back to her room when they started shutting the house down for the night.

She jumped when she felt a hand on her shoulder, and looked around in confusion.  "Ellie, it's jus' me."  _Tommy._   "Comin' to see if I can get you some warm milk to help you sleep -- but from the looks of things, you don' need it," he added with a soft chuckle.  "Are you all right?  Why are you sleepin' out here in the hall?"

Tommy was crouched next to her, Maria right behind him.  "Oh, um... milk sounds good," Ellie mumbled.  Maria said she'd be right back with a glass of it.  Ellie sat up and knuckled at her eyes.  "I fell asleep?"

"Do you remember leavin' your room?"  Tommy asked.

"Yeah."  He was looking at her expectantly... puzzled.  _Would sleepwalking be less embarrassing than the truth?_ "I just wanted... I dunno.  I just felt like being out here.  Out of my room."

He still seemed confused.  "You can come downstairs anytime you want, sweetheart."

"I know.  It's not that I wanted to go downstairs.  I wanted..." She didn't know what she wanted, exactly.  "I'll go back to my room."  She started to get up, but Tommy stopped her.

"Hold on.  Don' feel like you... it's all right, you didn' do anythin' wrong.  Do you feel like talkin'?"

"No," she answered quickly.  That much, she knew. 

When Maria returned with the milk, Ellie thanked her, said good night to them both, and returned to her room, shutting the door behind her.

She plugged in the alarm clock on her nightstand so the room wouldn't be so eerily, deathly quiet.  When she finished her milk, she lay there on her bed, clutching Bailey's little stuffed dog, and listened to the pleasant ~ _tick ~ tock ~ tick ~ tock ~_ sounds.  She thought about Nana's theoretical clocks running at different speeds.  There was only one speed that was accurate, though; any other speed would be too slow or too fast.  _I was too slow.  In more ways than one._

Morbidly, she thought about how each tick or tock marked another second passing, _dying..._ each a unique moment in time that would never occur again.


	12. Gone For Good

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS for this chapter: This one's pretty heavy on the suicidal ideation.

The next time the troubling thoughts popped up, those of the I-could-just-kill-myself variety, they didn't freak her out.  _Thinking about it doesn't mean I'm gonna do it_ , Ellie reminded herself.  But realizing that she _could_ , if she really wanted to... if the pain quite literally became more than she could bear... knowing that she had a solution gave her a sense of comfort, fucked up though it was.

Even though she still didn't want to talk, her housemates all thought she seemed better.  She was simply more functional.  She was like a robot, going through the motions methodically, joylessly.  She ate with them (and stopped insisting on oatmeal only), she helped with cooking and dishes and laundry and whatever else she could.  She plastered on a smile if necessary.  Not a big-ass fake one or anything -- she didn't live with idiots, after all -- just a wee one that said _'see? I'm fine.'_  When asked how she was feeling, she would reply _'okay,'_ which was code for 'not currently feeling panicky or about to cry' (she did cry less than she used to, at least).  For the most part, they didn't annoy her by trying to include her in their conversations.

Ellie tried to read the Buddhist crap Nana brought over.  Half-ass tried, anyway.  She skipped over all the historical stuff to get to the practices and beliefs.  Meditation, she pretty much already knew about -- wasn't that what she was doing when she spaced out?  It didn't fix anything.  Concepts like awakening and enlightenment, nirvana and suchness -- that shit didn't make any sense to her.  She should _celebrate_ death and impermanence (i.e. people leaving her)?  She was _choosing_ to suffer?  If she would just _let it all go_ she'd be happy?  Really?  The only way she could forget everything that hurt was if some magical fairy came along and erased all those memories.  _But fairies are creepy.  And buddhists don't know SHIT._

The only part she really liked about it was karma.  That, she understood.  All the sins of her past, the people she'd hurt or killed or let down or somehow wronged... she had to pay for it now.  _What is that old saying... karma's a bitch?_

She was definitely paying for it.  Every minute of every day, barely making a dent in what she owed.  And yet, that wasn't _all_ she did.  One day when she didn't feel like doing any of her usual activities to pass the time, she actually found herself looking at the tapes Marcus had brought her.  _I'm just curious... at least I can tell him I tried,_ she told herself. It was selfish of her to hang onto them when others could be enjoying them, after all.  Marcus had tucked little notes inside the cases, noting his favorite and sometimes least favorite songs on each, what the overall tone of the album was... she appreciated that, because she didn't want to listen to happy love songs and the like.  The cheerful, perky crap she used to listen to didn't appeal to her at all now.  Maybe something angry... or sad... she chose the one he'd labeled 'surviving pain.'  It was by a female artist named Tori.

She lay on her bed and started listening through the headphones, marveling at how strange it felt to indulge in a former pleasure, and to find that even though there was, of course,  'no point' to listening to a melody, a beat, a stranger singing... she was kind of liking it.  Fortunately, the cassette had lyrics in the cover (Ellie used to hate it when lyrics weren't included, or if a cassette was missing the cover -- it was impossible to know every single word without that!).  Pretty words, ugly words, all poetry and riddles.  She was fascinated.  The singer's voice was melancholy and beautiful, as was the music.  Lots of piano.

Maybe this woman hadn't gone through the same exact shit, and Ellie knew that whatever had happened to Tori, she hadn't earned her suffering the way Ellie had, through a series of fuck-ups... that Tori undoubtedly deserved better than her lot, whereas Ellie did not... and all the lyrics didn't exactly fit.  But in spite of these things, Ellie still felt a sense of connection, of shared pain.  That if she could talk to this person, she would _understand._ There was a song about a father-daughter relationship... another song about a person who reminded her of Joel in the first few months she'd known him, distant and reserved... songs that conveyed anger and despair, about being someone besides yourself, or how people only see pieces of you... there was even one, she was fairly certain, about a rape.

Ellie started listening to that tape somewhat obsessively, and totally fell in love with the singer.  She wished she could ask her about all the lyrics:  what did they mean and what had inspired her to write them?  That was the problem with old world things -- Ellie could only speculate.  She wondered if she should speculate with Marcus, next time he came by.  But it was so... so very _personal_.  How brave this girl had been to put her shit out there for complete strangers to listen to.  Ellie didn't even know if she'd be able to talk to her housemates about any of this.  Best to keep it private.

_But if Joel was here..._

Maybe.  Maybe some of it, she could share with him.

If Joel were around, she might have wanted to attempt to play some of these on the guitar.  He always said she had an 'ear' for music -- which meant she could sound things out herself and not need to rely so much on reading notes on a page.  A good thing, since they didn't have a lot of those music note type pages in Jackson, and she wasn't very proficient at reading them.  She didn't know how well these songs would translate to guitar... she could maybe figure out some chords and sing, at least.

But Joel _wasn't_ there, and she couldn't play that guitar without him.  No way.

Much to the surprise of everyone at the dinner table one night, Ellie did pipe up with questions about the singer.  None of them knew much about her or were familiar with her work.  Ed was the one who remembered her the best.  He said she was one of the artists who had started the 'singer-songwriter thing in the 90s.'  If the woman on the cassette cover was in her early twenties at the time, as Ed had guessed, she'd be in her sixties now.  That was even older than _Joel_.  A bit old for Ellie to have a crush on her!  But Ellie wondered if she was still alive, out there somewhere in a QZ, maybe?  Yet another thing she would never know.

Ellie's renewed interest in music didn't mean she was any closer to healing from everything.  She didn't want to listen to anything else but that tape, for one thing.  There was something satisfying about listening to it, but it also preserved her sorrow -- it even made her cry -- so it didn't feel disrespectful; it wasn't a huge betrayal of the dead, like it was _too much_ pleasure.  And she would never be 'healed.'  Even Nana hadn't argued with that.  She just said it would get better.  But, if people _thought_ she was better, they'd worry less about her, and that was a good thing.  People weren't so hard to fool.  A phony smile, some false cheer injected into her voice... it didn't hurt to use these tools from time to time to make them feel better. 

And deceiving everyone gave her a sense of power, for some reason.  Anything that made her feel _powerful_ was fucking fantastic. 

It was ironic, really, that once she started fantasizing about suicide, they worried less.

After she puked a few times and missed another period, they stopped referring to her plight as a ‘possible’ pregnancy.  Occasionally, one of them -- usually Tommy -- would ask if she was ready to talk about the baby yet.  Not to make any decisions, just to _talk_.  Ellie always answered no.  She patiently reminded them that the decision was already made -- no way in hell was she keeping it -- and she'd let them know when she was ready to discuss it further, but it didn't stop them from pestering her about it every now and then.  They said they would support her decision, so she needn't feel like she had to defend herself or whatever -- but they were concerned about her bottling up her feelings.

 _I wish I COULD bottle them up... you can smash a bottle on the ground and be done with it!_  She couldn't smash the 'pain corner' of her heart, though. 

She was placid as could be about it all, unemotional to a fault... even the time when Maria asked her if she was putting off talking about things because she was waiting for Joel.

_"Why would I do that?  He's never coming back."_

_"You don't know that, Ellie."_

_"You can't tell me that he IS."_

_"He might, he might not.  We don't know.  Tommy knows him best, and he truly believes he'll be back, in his own time."_

_"If he doesn't get himself killed first."_

_"Worrying about that won't do you any good.  And remember... you know how tough he is.  How hard to kill."_

_"I don't know anything about him.  Except that he's not here."_

Ellie had thought that _she_ knew Joel the best, but the Joel she thought she knew wouldn't have left her.  That man in her head was obviously too good to be true.  As was every good thing in the world.  She'd gotten too attached to him, and to Bailey.  She wouldn't let that happen with her alleged 'family,' even though they continued to be super-nice to her.  Reminding herself that they were only being nice to her as a favor to Joel, or perhaps out of pity, helped her keep her emotions in check there (although in order to do that, she had to ignore a niggling little voice in her head that said she was lying to herself).

Applying cold, hard logic to everything, and refusing to get emotional about whatever she deduced by such means, helped Ellie stay detached from the world, as if she were no longer a part of it -- because, in truth, she wasn't.  She never left the house.  Never made any meaningful contributions to society.  Her only endeavor of any consequence was that of trying to make herself as small a burden on Joel's family as possible. 

She still didn't want to see any visitors (and was, frankly, surprised that anyone still bothered to come by), but she would at least say hello if it was Marcus or Nana, and then tell them yes she was feeling better, don't worry about her, but no, she didn't want to do this-or-that, and didn't want to talk, 'thanks-for-checking-but-bye-now.'

After she discovered Tori, though, she did talk to Marcus for more than the usual ten seconds the next time he came over.  She returned the other tapes to him, since she never bothered to go to the bookstore anymore.  He seemed excited that she liked that tape so much, and she felt a little guilty: _No, I'm not 'all better' now,_ she told him in her head.  She was somewhat rude to him when he brought up Bailey's name.  She just couldn't talk about him.  And she realized then that if she hung out with Marcus, discussing this tape that Bailey never even had a chance to hear... had a discussion that _he_ should have been a part of too... it just wasn't fair, and _that_ would have been a betrayal.  Besides, it wasn't like Marcus didn't have his family and friends to discuss shit with.  He could talk to _them_ about Bailey, about music -- whatever.  He didn't need her.  She didn't say all that, of course; she just said the usual crap about being tired and not wanting to hang out.  It wasn't like that was a lie.

Tommy was there that day.  He tried to talk to her after Marcus left.

_"Ellie, he's jus' tryin' to be a friend.  He's a good kid."_

_"I don't care.  He was Bailey's friend, not mine."_

_"As I recall, the three of you were friends, all of you."_

_"Because of Bailey!  I don't want friends.  I'm not a friendly person.  At least not anymore."_

_"Everyone needs friends.  It'd be good for you to have someone to talk to."_

_"I do talk -- I talk to you guys every day."_

_"Barely.  'Hey' an' 'thank you' an' 'good night' don' cut it."_

_"What do you want me to say?  'Looks like it's gonna rain,' or... 'gee, I hope the next corn crop turns out better than the last one'?"_

_"Sure.  Small talk is nice."_

_"It's bullshit."_

_"Fine, it's bullshit.  What you really need to talk about..."_

_"What?  Being pregnant with a rape baby?  My boyfriend getting killed in front of me and his mother killing herself over it?  My make-believe father ditching me?  All LOVELY topics of conversation."_

_"Don' matter how lovely they are.  You can't keep your feelings bottled up forever, it ain't good for you."_

_"They're not bottled.  I already talked to Nana."_

_"One time, for like ten minutes -- that ain't enough.  You know you can talk to--"_

_"Yes I knooooow, you guys are here for me.  I know, and... I'm grateful.  Really.  I'll talk when I'm ready."_

_"I'm jus' afraid if you take too long about it, you'll turn into my brother.  How he was all those years."_

_"Well, maybe he had the right idea."_

The more like Joel she became, the less she missed him.

And whenever she thought about it, she just couldn't figure out why anyone still cared about her.  She wasn't a fun, happy, engaging person.  She wasn't interesting to talk to.  The only thing she was willing to do for anyone else was housekeeping type stuff, chores or odd jobs that popped up... was that enough to make her worthy of being cared about?  Maybe, but only in a pragmatic sense.  Like, one could appreciate having a microwave oven to heat things with, but one did not have _feelings_ for the appliance.  If it broke down, you could try to fix it; if it was unfixable, you could just do without.  Not worth crying about.

If she were gone from the world, what would there be about her to miss, aside from the housekeeping?  Wouldn't it be a relief that they wouldn't have the obligation to babysit her anymore?  Worry about her?  Deal with her having an unwanted kid?  They might be a little sad, in a 'man, that's a shame' sort of way.  But didn't they feel that way already?  At least this time, there would be some finality to it.  They could move on, at long last. If they missed her at all, it wouldn't be _this_ version of Ellie they missed -- it would be the old one.  The one they _already_ missed, because she was already gone.  Gone for good.

Just like Joel.

Maybe they'd feel sad for the unborn creature inside her.  Because they imagined it as a baby, not the non-human black nothing that it was.  Oh, she knew she wasn't supposed to think of it that way; she did stop thinking of it as a monster as the days went by, and she did make a half-hearted attempt to look at the book Maria had brought her.  She glanced at the creepy pictures of what babies looked like in the early stages of development, but couldn't make herself read the text.  Back in Boston, she'd sat through some lessons on the human reproductive system, and, like the rest of the kids, she'd giggled at the embarrassing stuff.  She hadn't retained much of the pregnancy information. 

Ellie wasn't going to keep the thing anyway, so why bother to learn about it?  It was unwanted and unloved.  _Just like I was, until..._

She couldn't go there.

She'd actually be doing it a favor if she prevented it from being born into this godforsaken world.  It would never know pain and loneliness, sorrow and rejection.  Finding happiness only to lose it.  That was all the world had to offer.  At least, for those stupid enough to keep trying to find more happiness.

There was no reason she could think of to _not_ kill herself on the behalf of others -- sure, they'd be sad, but they'd get over it and get on with their lives, all the better without her dragging them down.  As for herself... she'd be dead, a void, a black nothing... so _she_ wouldn't be missing anything (technically, she'd be missing out on life itself -- like that was something good?! -- but without the consciousness to be _aware_ of it, Ellie didn't think it counted).  The nightmares would end -- the sleeping and waking ones both.  Her suffering would be over, forever.

When she grew weary of pondering reasons _why_ she should do it, she began to fantasize about _how_.  Gun to her head, like Henry... like Rachel?  It seemed painful, but she'd been there with Henry -- he had died instantly.  Like a light switch flicking off.  Surely, experiencing a fraction of a second of excruciating pain to end a lifetime of it was a good trade-off.  It was messy, though.  She couldn't do it in her bedroom; that would be too rude.  So, just like Rachel had probably done, she'd have to either convince her 'babysitters' that she was fine on her own, or sneak out.  They did leave her alone sometimes now, for brief periods of time... but she found the idea of sneaking out of the house more appealing.  That was what had landed her in trouble in the first place.  It seemed fitting that her life should end that way, too. 

She could find some remote corner of town to do it, for the sake of minimizing the clean-up.  Hell, she might as well sneak out of town again, then there'd be no clean-up needed -- she could probably find the exact place she was supposed to have died, that night.  When Pete should have shot her.  She remembered feeling so relieved that he hadn't, right after.  _Why?  Didn't I know I would never be happy again?_

 _Oh, that's right -- I was thinking about Joel._   She'd loved him so much back then.  She told herself she didn't love him anymore... but she wasn't sure it was true, at least not yet, and she wasn't inclined to try to sort it out.

If she really wanted to stick it to Joel, she could go home -- or what used to be home.  _Their_ home.  Maybe no one would find her there.  She could leave a note announcing that she'd left town.  Then one day maybe Joel would come home to find her cold, dead, rotting corpse sprawled on the floor.  Bits of Ellie brains stuck to the walls.  _See what happens when you break your promises, Joel?_

She knew she couldn't actually do that to him.  But it was a satisfying little fantasy.

As for less violent means... maybe she could get her hands on poison of some type.  What would happen if she smoked a bunch of dope, then binged on alcohol until she passed out?  Too much risk that she'd wake up, though -- she had no idea how much it would take to kill a person.  Although... even the gun had risks.  If her hand wobbled for just a split second and the bullet didn't pass through her brain, maybe she wouldn't even die right away.  She and Joel had seen some of their enemies survive some deadly hits... they'd needed a little extra help to die.  Who would give _her_ such help?

 _Right, LESS violent_... she could hang herself.  Where -- in the shower?  No, she could do it outside, that would be more considerate.  Find a strong tree branch.  Would she die right away, or struggle to breathe for a while first?  She could also slit her wrists in the bathtub.  There was something romantic about that idea.  Just letting the life bleed out of her while she peacefully fell asleep... _it doesn't hurt that bad, does it?_  And it wouldn't make a mess, with all the blood contained in the tub, easy to wash away.  But then, who would find her?

No matter what she did, that would be a problem.  Of the three others in the house, she thought Maria would handle it best.  Her first pick had been Ed, as he'd spent the least amount of time with Ellie, but he was like... a sweet old grandpa.  It might give him a heart attack.  Tommy... he would be disturbed at first, but... _no, don't think about him_.  The pain of imagining him to be the one to find her threatened to prick through her protective cold-hard-logic-only bubble.  _It can't be Tommy._ Maybe it was just his connection to Joel? -but she felt closer to him than the others.  Still, she really didn't want it to be Maria, either.  Maria had dealt with her mom's depression for so long, and she'd been so kind and patient with Ellie.

If she went and shot herself somewhere random in town... what if some kid was the one who found her?  Maybe even a kid who'd never seen a dead body before.  Would it traumatize him or her so much that it induced nightmares?  All the more reason to do it Outside, where it was way less likely to be a kid that would find her. 

There were worse things in the world than seeing a dead body, though.  It was something everyone would have to learn to deal with sooner or later.

Thinking such things had been mildly alarming to Ellie at first, but the more often she indulged these thoughts, the less abhorrent they became.  She could plot her own death with the callousness of a seasoned hunter.  It really did make her feel better, for whatever reason.  It was all purely hypothetical.  She would never actually go through with it. _...right?_

-Of course she wouldn't.  _They're just fantasies_ , she always reminded herself.

She started to doubt that as the days went by and the thoughts continued.  If her life was over, why was she still alive?  It made no sense.  Killing herself _did_ make sense.  It was like... setting things right, the only way that she could.

If she could remain stoic and logical and detached about it all, she would never feel motivated enough to actually take any action.  But she couldn't  -- not after a nightmare, or a vision... a flashback... a panic attack.  No matter how many of these horrors she endured, they never failed to shake her to her core.  Each one added legitimacy to the case for killing herself. 

The quicker she could switch her brain over to suicidal fantasy mode, the quicker she could recover her composure.  It was fucking bizarre.  And it made her feel like suicide was her destiny... ultimately.  Maybe not yet, but someday.  Otherwise, why would thinking about it have such a soothing effect on her?

She wondered if she would see the mother she'd never known, when she died.  She didn't think she would.  Heaven was a nice idea and all, but it was a fairytale.  No more real than Santa Claus.  She thought she would just become... nothing.  Wiped from existence.  As if she'd never been.  Like Bailey.  _Or is he actually with his mother?_   She hoped they were together.  Remembering the letter her own mother had written her made her angry.  _No, Mom, life is NOT really worth living.  And fuck you._

Ellie wanted to read about suicide.  Methods, people who had done it... anything.  Joel's family might have been happy to see her taking an interest in reading if she announced that she was going to the bookstore, but what if they insisted on going with her, and got all up in her business about what she wanted to read?  Or, if she did go alone, what if some nosy busybody saw what she was looking at, and tattled on her?  She'd never be left alone for one second ever again.

And she _was_ alone in this.  Being physically in the presence of a sympathetic body didn't constitute sharing.  No one could share her pain with her... not even Tori (because although Ellie liked to think of her as a comforting friend, she was only just another fantasy).

Since people _did_ leave her to her solitude when she desired it, she was able to toy with her pistol whenever the mood struck her.  She would just hold it, most of the time.  Caress it.  Run her fingers over the polymer... the pebbly grip, the smooth slide.  Sometimes she'd lift it up to her temple, or push it into her cheek, her chin -- wherever it wanted to wander, her finger near (though not on) the trigger... but she was just playing.  Reminding herself she wasn't powerless.  Wondering if she ever would reach the point where she could actually do it.

One day, she had a particularly horrific nightmare:  in the end, _they_ were there, hurting her, while the monster in her belly (and it _was_ a monster in the nightmare, not a baby) doled out its own share of pain from within, and Joel was there, too... watching.  In the dream, she was confused... she couldn't understand why he wasn't helping her.  She screamed for him and he just looked at her, cool as could be, seemingly oblivious to her distress, and then waved goodbye.  Ellie woke up, feeling like she'd been screaming his name, but as usual, she was alone; if she'd made any noise at all, it hadn't been loud enough to beckon anyone to her room.  Her face was streaked with tears, like she'd been crying in the dream and it had leaked into reality.  _He left me.  He doesn't care anymore, and that hurts worse than anything those two assholes could ever do to me._

She pulled herself into logic mode, and decided to set a date.  She told herself that if she was still this fucking miserable on that date, she would go through with it... even if she wouldn't actually do it.  That way, she could tell herself 'I only have _x_ more weeks/days to live through' -- there would be an end in sight.  Exactly what Nana had said she couldn't do -- put a timetable on her grief.  _You just watch me, Nana!_   Joel's birthday came to mind as a suitable date, because there was something poetic about dying on the same date Sarah had -- and the day was already ruined for him, thanks to that, so it wasn't like it was an especially cruel thing for her to do.  It was downright _thoughtful_ of her, even, not to ruin a second date for him.  Too bad it probably wouldn't work out; she wasn't sure what the current date was, but she was thinking that either his birthday would have already passed or it would be coming up too soon.  Once she'd figured out a good one to use, maybe she could do her notebook 'x's kinda in reverse: counting down the days, marking them off.

She continued to listen to her tape -- until she got to the point where she was afraid to play it because it started fucking up, unspooling itself into the innards of the machine... this was fixable, sometimes, but she couldn't risk breaking Tori permanently.  If only she'd paid more attention when Bailey had fixed it the last time!  For once in her fucking life, she wanted to have the ability to _not_ break or lose or completely destroy something important to her -- and to not have to rely on anyone but her own fucking self for shit.  She made do with hearing the music in her head, staring at the lyrics to keep the songs in focus in her mind, even though she'd memorized a lot of them by then.  She found herself improvising, making up her own words and even varying the melodies.

 _Maybe I could have written beautiful sad songs like hers, too, if things were different._   Too bad she'd never find out.

With only a week to go until the random date she'd selected (she'd learned that Joel's birthday had indeed come and gone, so no 'poetic justice' for her), Ellie got an excited feeling about actually doing it -- even though she still didn't really intend to do it, so... that was kind of odd.  She decided she didn't need to do any location scouting, because she liked the idea of ending her life in the place it had been meant to end, the night of the Incident.  If the hard snows would just come a little early, maybe she could hide out there and simply allow herself to freeze to death.  Being cold was uncomfortable, but it didn't really _hurt_ , right?  It would leave her body intact, whereas a gunshot wound to the head would be a gory mess.  Same with starving.  It was clean, but... _no, THAT would hurt.  I know what that feels like._   And it would be too torturously slow.

Maybe if she concealed herself well enough, her body wouldn't be found for so long that it would decompose to the point where she'd be unrecognizable anyway.  Would it be better if they didn't know?  Or would not knowing -- having no closure -- hurt them more? 

 _Truth would be best._   She mentally practiced writing her suicide notes, pondered when to physically write them, where to leave them, if she should entrust them all to one person to dole out, how each person might feel upon reading her final thoughts of them.  She debated the merits of simply writing one note versus multiples.

She decided Joel would get his own note no matter what.  Writing his would be the most difficult.  This one, she actually put pencil to paper to work out.  She intended to write a rough draft and then copy it over to the real thing once she'd perfected it.  His was the most important.  Even though he'd probably never see it.  She tried to imagine how Joel might feel if he did actually come back and read it at some point.  How much time would have gone by?  Enough that he wouldn't really care anymore? 

Her first attempt sounded too angry.  Too guilt-trippy.  She ripped out the page and slowly tore it into pieces, scattering them around her on the bed like flower petals.  The note needed to forgive him.  Even if she _didn't_ actually forgive him _(so much for truth?!_ ).  It wouldn't matter once she was dead, so she should be generous.  There was a good chance he'd feel somewhat responsible, and maybe her words could ease some of his pain, assuming he felt any.

She hadn't thought about Joel's pain since... God, when was it?  And if this whole thing was her fault to begin with, then she was the cause of his suffering... how could she be angry with him for leaving?  If she'd just been a better daughter...

These thoughts were dangerous.  They led her to the dark, bottle-less place in her heart where she'd shoved all the pain when she couldn't stand feeling it.  She was getting so _good_ at sending the pain back there, every time it started to wander out of the corner and into her consciousness.

_Focus, Ellie..._

She started over. 

 _" ~~October~~   November 5, 2035" _(she decided she would use The Date she'd chosen, not today's date)

_"Dear Joel,_

_~~By the time you read this~~ _ _I don't know when you'll read this, or if you'll ever read it at all, but I couldn't leave without saying goodbye ~~even though you did.~~   Maybe so many years have gone by that you barely remember me.  But i ~~f you still care~~ I still believe you loved me once, before I ruined everything, so learning that I'm dead ~~will probably be at least a little bit painful~~    ~~will hurt~~   might hurt.  I'm SO sorry for that.  ~~I didn't do it to hurt you~~    ~~I never meant to hurt you~~    ~~The pain I felt~~    ~~Please know~~  I need you to know that IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.  Not wanting to hurt people anymore is ~~one reason~~   the main reason I decided to do it.  That has nothing to do with you."_

The real 'main reason' was not nearly as altruistic as that -- it was to end her own suffering.  But that might make Joel feel guilty (because he couldn't fix her, if for no other reason).  She wasn't sure he even understood how much he'd hurt her -- that leaving her in his brother's care was _not_ beneficial to her, just because Tommy could provide a roof over her head and meals and clothing and security as well as Joel could.  She'd made Joel feel like she didn't want him around, after all.  He probably figured it was all the same difference to her.  Why wouldn't he?  Although, if he'd bothered to discuss it with her first, maybe ask that she _release_ him from the promise, he would have known better.  Maybe she would have even granted him that.  If he was that miserable, being stuck with her, wouldn't it be better for her to let him go?  If she truly cared about him.  And she did, back then.

_Fuck me, I still do.  Motherfucker!_

Ellie chewed on the end of the pencil (where the eraser used to be) and thought hard about what else to put into the note.

_"The time that you were l ~~ike~~   my dad was the happiest time of my life.  No one's ever cared about me so much before ~~and no one ever will //ok no DUH CUZ I'M DEAD stupid Ellie!~~   I know I did a shitty job of showing it but I loved you ~~more than anything~~    ~~so much~~    ~~like crazy~~   a ~~s much as a real daughter would~~ "_

She wasn't even good at writing the 'I love you' -- that should have been easy!  She decided she liked _"more than anything"_ the best... it was her first instinct, and it felt honest and real.  _What the hell do I say after that?_

Ellie hurled the notebook at the floor in frustration.  _Fuck!  I can't do this._   She couldn't write it properly without accessing all the suppressed pain.  Perhaps she shouldn't write Joel's note until the very end.  Yes, that's what she would do.  Feeling all that shit would give her the courage to go through with it...

...which was what she wanted to do.  Not just fantasize.

_Right???_

_I'm so confused!_

She sat on her bed with her back against the wall and idly played with the paper flower petals.  She moved them around with the barrel of the gun.  _You're in control, Ellie.  You got this.  And don't fucking cry, for God's sake._   She poked randomly at her arm with the gun, pushing the barrel in hard enough to hurt.  She closed her eyes.  _You stupid, weak, pathetic cunt_ , she chastised herself nastily.  Calling herself names helped, somehow.  Like it made her steel herself to whatever sorrow threatened to reach her.  _You don't deserve to take up space on this planet.  Joel and Bailey and Rachel are gone because of you.  You're such a bitch you even say 'fuck you' to your poor dead mother, who never did anything but love you.  If you don't appreciate life, you shouldn't be living it._

And then she must have spaced out, because she didn't hear the soft knocking at the door.  Didn't hear it creaking open.

_"Ellie."_

This, she heard... but didn't quite believe.  _I must be dreaming._ She opened her eyes, blinked them into focus on the person standing in the doorway --

She wasn't dreaming:  it was Joel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> E-cookies to anyone who recognized the album Ellie was listening to as Tori Amos' "Little Earthquakes." And they were a little off on the age... Tori would be 72 in 2035!


	13. Cold Comfort

Ellie stared, not quite comprehending what she was seeing.  A very bedraggled, scruffy, dirty, thinner version of her Joel... but it was indeed him.  He'd clearly gone straight there without bothering to shower and change, like he couldn't wait even just a few more minutes to see her... just like she'd imagined, that day Marcus came home without him.  She'd also imagined leaping into his arms and giving him the biggest hug ever.

She remained frozen to the bed, staring... confused.  Joel didn't exist anymore, and yet there he was in the flesh.  And she didn't know how to feel about it.

His tentative smile faded quickly enough.  "What're you doin' with that pistol?"  He inched towards her.

"None of your business," she snapped at him.  He smelled the way people on the Outside smell when they can't bathe properly -- the way both of them had stunk for months – skunky and _real_ , and not unlike those two assholes.  But it was easy to shove them to the back of her mind now; her brain was preoccupied with thoughts of _'omigod JOEL IS HERE.’_   Much to her annoyance, part of her was elated to see him.  _Fuck that -- does he think I'm just going to rush into his arms like nothing is wrong?_   "What are you doing here?  Stay back!"

Startled by her outburst, he stopped the inching.  "Can you jus' put-- can you give it to me, please?"

"No way.  You'll take it away from me."  She became aware of a soreness in her left arm, and realized she’d been pushing the barrel of the Glock into her forearm.  Probably hard enough to bruise.  She rotated the gun in her lap so that the barrel was pointing somewhat towards her face.  If anyone was going to accidentally get shot here, she would make sure it was her.

"That thing loaded?"

"Of course," she answered coolly.

He sized her up silently for a moment.  "You're pissed off.  Of course you are.  You have every right to be.  I'm so sorry for... I never meant to hurt you."

 _Don't let him get to you,_ she warned herself.  She could have told him that she wasn't planning on hurting herself with the gun, but she said nothing.  She wondered, with a bit of dark amusement, if he thought she might be pissed off enough to turn it on him.  "I said stay back!" she said threateningly when he started moving towards her again.

He complied.  His toe had touched something... his gaze fell to the notebook on the floor, splayed there, facedown, like it had been flung -- which, of course, it had.  He leaned over to pick it up.  "You dropped your--"

"Don't touch that!" she all but screamed at him, scrambling off the bed to snatch it out of his hand before he could turn it over, careful to keep the gun behind her, out of his reach (save for him lunging at her).  She quickly moved backwards to return to her spot on the bed.  For a moment, the gun had been pointed at him.  She didn't mean to threaten him with it or anything... _he MUST know I wouldn't hurt him... why does he look so scared?_ Big bad Joel, hardcore survivor, evader of death, slayer of hundreds if not thousands of men and infected over the years... killed by a sixteen-year-old girl.  _I could.  Man, I could fucking shoot him right now and he couldn't stop me.  Talk about feeling powerful!_

She set the notebook beside her and rested the gun in her lap again, her fingers dusting over it lightly like she was petting an animal.  _He could have grabbed me right there and taken it, but he didn't._   _Why didn't he?  Why does he still seem so..._ She couldn't look at him.  Not just because he looked terrible, but because it hurt, for some reason.

"Can I jus' turn on the light?  It's dark in here."

Ellie's eyes were accustomed to the dimness of the night light, and the room was actually brighter than usual with a bit of natural light coming in from the hall, but she knew Joel wasn't used to it.  "Okay."

He switched on the light and stood there warily for a moment before moving towards the bed.

"No -- go back over there," Ellie ordered him, gripping the gun protectively.

At least he was obedient.  "If I sit on the floor over here, will you put the gun away?  Please?"  He shut the door and slid down on his butt, leaning back against it.  "See?  I ain't gonna take it from you."

 _Not yet, anyway._   But she did set it aside, if only to shut him up about it.

"Thank you," he said, and she could hear the relief in those two words.  "How... how are you?"

She didn't dignify that with an answer.  Just played with the scraps of paper littering the bed, watching her hand grasp and release them as if the motion were something fascinating to behold.

"You look a thousand times better than you did," he ventured.

Ellie snorted.  "Than like three or four months ago?  Yeah, I guess I would."

"Two an' a half," he corrected her.  "I'm sorry."

"Are you gonna keep saying that?  Cuz... repeating it doesn't make it all okay."

"I know.  I don' expect you to... I don' know what I expect.  But I'm here now an' I wanna make it up to you."

 _Do NOT get excited about that_ , Ellie commanded herself sternly, trying hard to not-look at him.  _It doesn't matter how sincere he seems -- he doesn't mean it.  Even if he promises.  Because obviously promises mean nothing to him._   "Pffff.  Here for how long?"

"For good."

She picked up a petal of paper and started slowly ripping it into even tinier scraps.  "So... did you kill those guys -- is that why you came back?  Would you even _know_ if you killed them?  You don't know who they are.  Not like you took me with you to confirm."

"I... no.  I didn' find 'em," he said, and Ellie thought he sounded apologetic.  As if she had _asked_ him to go after the motherfuckers and leave her behind.

"Then how do you know you're here for good?" she scoffed.  "You don't wanna kill them anymore?"

"Of course I wanna kill 'em."

"Then why'd you come back?  Didn't you decide you were gonna kill them or die trying?"

"For you.  To see you."

Ellie didn't dare look at him then.  He was saying the right things.  _Empty words, that's all_.  "Well, you've seen me, you can leave again," she said nastily.

He didn't seem rattled or put off by her attitude at all.  "I ain't leavin'."

"I've heard that before," she reminded him icily.

"I won't this time.  I'll tell ya what made me come back... specifically... but not now.  Not when you're... upset."

"I'm not upset.  Do you see me yelling or... crying or anything?  I'm just fine."  She lifted the tiny scraps up high and let them rain down over her lap.  She sneaked a peek at him.

He nodded.  Looked at her with... Ellie didn't know what, exactly.  Not anger, or even sadness.  It was more like... wonder.

"How are you doin', really?" he tried again.

She looked down, determined not to fall for his act.  "Okay."

"Yeah?  That's an improvement."

_No, because it doesn't mean what you think it means.  But, whatever._

"Can you walk all right?" he asked.

She didn't want to give him any information like that about herself.  Things that even virtual strangers knew about her that he didn't.  Things that didn't even _matter_.

"Your ribs heal up okay?" he continued.  "I hope you're feelin' good... physically... no more pain?"

Ellie did kind of feel like a bitch for not answering him, though.  Even if she couldn't trust the man, she knew that his concern for her wasn't actually an act.  It still didn't make her want to talk to him about what shape she was in.  _Does he even know about the baby?_ She certainly didn't want to answer his questions about that.  She decided to say one nice thing in an effort to shift the subject away from her health.  "I'm... glad you didn't get your ass killed out there."

"Me too.  But... how's your wrist?  An' your foot?"

 _Damn.  He's as stubborn as ever._  Well, she could out-stubborn him.  "Ask Tommy, I'm sure he'll tell you anything you wanna know."  She would let Tommy do the honors of announcing her new 'condition' -- if he hadn't already.  Maybe Joel just didn't know how to broach the subject.  She did have a noticeable tummy bulge now, but only barely; it was easy to hide it under her sweatshirt.

"I ain't askin' Tommy, I'm askin' you."

She sullenly plucked at the shreds of paper.

He didn't take the hint.  _Any_ of her hints, and it wasn't like she was being subtle.  He just kept asking.  "You still havin' nightmares, or..."

"Look, I don't wanna talk about any of that shit," she said exasperatedly.  "Everyone here knows this stuff except you."

He was quiet a moment.  "I'd like to get to know things about you again."

She sighed.  "Why would I let you do that?"

"Because... I truly am sorry, Ellie.  I shouldn'ta left."

 _Shit, he keeps saying the right things!_   And they were so good to hear; it was hard to pretend this wasn't music to her ears, salve on her soul.  But...  "You didn't even say goodbye."  Her lip quivered.  _Don't look at him._

"I'm sorry about that, too.  I knew I'd never be able to go if I... an' at the time, I really thought I had to.  You didn' really want me around, an' I--"

"Oh, so it's _my_ fault?"  She already knew it was.  _Why am I making him tell me it's not?_

"It's no one's fault but my own.  I didn' handle things right.  I'll leave you alone if you want me to.  I jus' had to... lay eyes on you.  See that you were all right."

 _So you can leave again_ , she thought bitterly.  "Yep!  I'm fine.  You can go."

He didn't move.  He was probably trying to think of more shit to say to get her to talk to him the way he wanted her to.  She glanced at him... nope, that wasn't it -- he was eyeing the gun.

She made a big show of putting it back in the nightstand drawer, which she had to scoot to her side to reach.  She shut the drawer and returned to her previous spot on the bed.  "Happy now?"

"Not really."  Although, he did stand up.  "You can jus' pull it out again when I leave," he pointed out.  "Promise me you won't... hurt yourself."

Ellie snorted.  "Why shouldn't I?  My life is over."  One of those things she wasn't ever supposed to say out loud.  She said it without emotion, for pure shock value.

Joel reacted satisfactorily -- by looking appalled.  "No it ain't, it's jus' beginnin' -- whatever you're feelin', it's--"

She cut him off.  "Okay, I _really_ don't wanna talk about this.  And I'm sure you don't either.  I'm not gonna kill myself, okay?  I promise."

"Ellie... look at me, please?"

She crossed her arms in front of her chest and stubbornly looked away.  "No."

"You seem better... physically.  Skinnier, though... an' you were too skinny to begin with..."

"Well, you're skinnier, too.  And you look like shit," she said to the wall.

"And I reek, I know.  I'll fix that.  I jus' wanna know... how you're feelin'.  Or... _what_ you're feelin', I mean.  If you're--"

"Didn’t you hear me?  I am _not_ talking about that with you.  Just go home."  She realized that sounded harsh, and she shouldn't have cared, but she softened her tone.  "You must be tired... you should go home and rest.  If you're not leaving town again, we can talk some other time.  Can you send Tommy up here?  Please, Joel."  That ought to make him feel okay about leaving her alone with the weapon.  And if it hurt that she wanted to talk to Tommy instead of him, so much the better.

Joel hesitated another moment, like he was trying to think of something to say... but then changed his mind and said nothing.  He left.

Then she wished she hadn't sent for Tommy, because as soon as Joel was out of sight, her throat constricted with tears.  Not that Tommy hadn't seen her cry, of course, but... still.

Tommy came upstairs quickly.  He closed the door behind him and approached her with a cautious smile.  "Hey... good to see Joel back, huh?"

Ellie shrugged.  She wasn't naïve enough to think that he and Joel hadn't already exchanged at least a few words about her.

He sat next to her, scattering some of the paper petals.  He made no mention of them; he was pretty accustomed to her weirdness by now.

She leaned against him, saving herself the awkwardness of him studying her face, and he put his arm around her shoulders.  She swallowed.  "Did you, um... tell him that I'm..."

"No.  Thought you might want to."

"I don't.  I really _really_ don't.  Can you please tell him?  I don't wanna see the look on his face."

He didn't ask her what look she expected.  "Are you sure?  Maybe he'll surprise you."

Ellie very much doubted that.  There was no good way to react to such awful news.  It should have been a happy occasion... maybe ten years from now.  Her and Bailey, married, telling Joel he's going to be a grandpa.  She could imagine his face lighting up then.  But this?  This was just all wrong.  "I'm sure.  Do you think he'll stick around?"

"I do.  He seems... different."

"Different how?"

Tommy thought for a moment.  "Not so angry that he looks like he'll explode any minute.  That's how he looked last time I saw him.  When the gate told me he was headed this way, I waited out front for him.  I expected we'd get into a fight.  You know how that goes... we don' tend to see eye to eye on things a lot of the time.  One of us loses our temper, things get heated.  It wasn' like that.  Instead, after I told him I was happy to see him alive an' all, it was mostly me hollerin' at him, an' him takin' it.  He's like a dog slinkin' around with his tail between his legs... like he knows he done wrong."

"I wasn't real nice to him either," she confessed a little sheepishly.  "He prob'ly expected me to like... hug him and tell him how much I missed him and all that."

He rubbed her arm soothingly.  "He knew when he left that you'd be angry.  Then when he didn' come back with the others... I reckon he knew you'd be furious."

"I was getting used to him not being around.  I really was.  And now he comes back and..." _And what?_ she wondered.  _Now I can't kill myself.  -Why do I think that?  Of course I can.  I can if I want to.  Always._

"He's kinda... stirrin' up things you tried to stop feelin'?"

"Yeah.  I can't do it, Tommy.  I can't let myself _care_ if he's gonna just... take off whenever he feels like it."

"I really don' think he's gonna do that, sweetheart.  But it's all right to be... you know.  Cautious.  Make him earn your trust back."

She swiped at her eyes, annoyed with them for being leaky.  "But if I'm not _happy_... I don't wanna make him leave again.  Maybe he will if he thinks I don't want him around."

Tommy one-arm-squeezed her.  "Don' worry about that.  You didn' _make_ him leave in the first place, an' you won' make him leave now."

"Even if he thinks I hate him?"

Tommy seemed amused at that, so maybe she truly didn't need to worry.  "I don' think it would matter; he'd stay anyway.  But he knows you don' hate him, trust me," he assured her.  "Give him a chance, though.  Can you do that?"

Ellie sighed.  "I'll try."  She wanted to believe Tommy -- and Joel himself -- but in her heart, she couldn't quite.  It was too risky.  What if Tommy was wrong?  Going home, having to be perfect enough that Joel wouldn't leave again, was a pressure she didn't think she could face just yet, especially when she could barely even talk to him.   She pulled away and looked up at Tommy pleadingly.  "Can I still stay here?  Please?"

"'Course you can.  Long as you want."  He looked like he meant it.  That maybe he didn't secretly think of her as an unwanted burden. 

 _Maybe I can't kill myself cuz of Tommy, either_.  She threw her arms around his neck and buried her face in his collar, still trying to stifle tears.  "Thanks, Tommy."  They hugged for a few moments, until Ellie pulled back.  "So you'll tell Joel about... everything.  Don't tell him I _told_ you to tell him, okay?  Just like... play dumb and ask him if I said anything, and when he wants to know what the hell you're talking about, then tell him?"

Tommy chuckled.  "Don' worry about it.  I'll tell him.  I'm sure he's gonna want to talk to you about it.  Maybe it'd be a good time for all of us to talk?"

Ellie shook her head.  "No, I can't."

"All right.  Sooner or later you're gonna have to.  You know that."

That was one downside of not killing herself; she would have to face the fact that there was something growing inside her that shouldn't be there, and that eventually, it would have to come out.

 

* * *

 

At breakfast the next day, Tommy informed her that he had broken the news to Joel.  He said he'd taken it well -- but Ellie had expected him to say that even if it was a lie.

An hour or so later, she was dozing on her bed when Joel came to visit.  The knock woke her.  "Come in," she called to him, not bothering to sit up.  She was laying on her side, her back to the wall, Bailey's stuffed dog tucked under her chin.

"Mornin'.  How are you?" he asked her as he perched on the end of the bed.  Just like he used to.

 _Happy to see you._ "Tired," she said.  He was really there.  She wasn't dreaming, and yesterday hadn't been a dream, either.

"Didn' sleep good?"

She just stared at the clock (which she never did set to the right time, even though she'd plugged it in).  The paper petals had been shredded into even tinier pieces, with the last note to Joel added to their numbers; she would have died if he'd seen that and believed that she actually intended to kill herself.  He might have freaked out and locked her up somewhere without access to anything she could possibly turn into a weapon.  She shouldn't have cared about that, though... was she starting to outgrow her prison walls?  It didn't matter; she'd eliminated the evidence of her nuttiness.  All that remained of her note was the illegible bits of paper, now serving as a featherbed of sorts for Bailey's action figure.

Ellie didn't know what to say to Joel, how much to tell him or withhold from him... how to go about 'giving him a chance' in a way that didn't feel like giving him everything he wanted from her, as if he hadn't broken her heart by leaving.

"Did Tommy talk to you about the gun?" he inquired.

"Yeah."  Joel hadn't left the house when he'd left her room last night; he'd waited for Tommy to come down so he could make sure Tommy worried about the fucking gun, too.  Tommy had been tempted to take the gun back.  They'd discussed it at length, and in the end, it almost seemed like he understood... and he didn't want to deprive her of something that made her feel safe.  He'd decided to trust her.  She had agreed to talk to him, or someone, the next time she felt like 'playing' with it that way... but somehow, Ellie could agree to that, knowing full well that if the mood struck her, she wouldn't feel like talking, and then she'd have no qualms about blowing off the agreement -- justifying it to herself with the knowledge that she had no intention of blowing her brains out.  _I'm no better than Joel with promises, and justifications for breaking them_ , she realized.  Only... this was different.  Because she wasn't hurting anyone, not even herself.  "I told him I'm not going to kill myself and he believes me.  I wouldn't do that... to Tommy," she added spitefully.

If it hurt Joel's feelings at all, he didn't let on.  "I knew he'd watch over you when I was gone.  Maria an' Eddie, too.  They're all good people.  They think of you as family."

"That's no excuse for leaving," she said quietly.

"I ain't makin' excuses.  Jus' sayin'.  I knew there was nothin' you could get from me that you couldn' get from them."

She turned her head to glare at him.  "You really think that?"  Though she'd already suspected he did.

"You sayin' I'm wrong?" 

She lay her head back down on its side.  She didn't want to look at his face too much -- a face that had been gentled somehow, reminding her of the softer Joel she'd come to know towards the end of their journey, and especially once they'd settled in to Jackson.  "Yeah.  You're wrong," she mumbled.  If he asked her to explain that... she couldn't.

But he didn't.  "I don' think you should have a gun when--"

"Will you forget about the fucking gun already?" Ellie groaned, exasperated.  "It's not your call.  You left.  You can't just..."

"I'll talk to Tommy about it, then."

She glared at him again.  "And what, bully him into taking it from me?  I _need_ it, Joel.  There was a raid after you left, you know."

"There was?  What--"

"Yeah.  It was scary."  Ellie didn't bother to tell him she hadn't been anywhere near the action, or that no one had died.

"I'm sorry I wasn'--"

"Stop saying that!" she groaned again.  _I should probably let him finish his sentences..._ but it seemed like everything he started to say irritated her too much.

He dropped the subject, at least.  "I... brought you somethin'."  He paused, perhaps waiting for her to sit up.  "It ain't much, jus'... somethin' I found, an' wanted to save for you..."

She dutifully sat up beside him, and he produced a plastic bottle of something from his jacket.  He handed it to her -- a nearly-full bottle of honey.  Ellie used to love making honey sandwiches, drizzling the stuff into her oatmeal or cream of wheat, even eating spoonfuls of it raw.  It didn't matter how old it was; it never went bad.  You just had to microwave it to soften it up.  They'd run out of it last spring and, to Ellie's knowledge, the town's trade runs hadn't brought in any more.  She turned the bottle over in her hands, running her thumb over what remained of the faded label.

"I know it ain't much," he repeated... apologetically, it seemed to Ellie.  "That it don'... make up for anythin'.  I jus' wanted you to have it."

She glanced at him.  Wondered if he expected her to throw it in his face and blather on about how she doesn't care about shit like this anymore.  Instead, she simply said, "Thank you."  She would eat it, even though she knew it wouldn't taste as sweet as it used to.

"Ellie, it's depressin' as hell in here.  Can I take them boards down off the window?"

"No."  Ellie still needed that barrier... from the stars, especially.  The moon.  The world.  And she needed to stay imprisoned.

"Then can we go sit outside or somethin'?  It's chilly, but the sun's shinin' an' it's pretty nice out."

"I like it here.  Tommy doesn't make me come out if I don't feel like it."

Her attempts to piss him off via mentions of his brother kept falling flat.  "An' you can come right back up here afterwards if you want.  Come on, kiddo.  Please?"

"Maybe I don't even wanna talk to you..."  She did and she didn't.  ...mostly she did, she realized.  If only to hear the sound of his voice in real time, not just in her memories and suicidal fantasies.

"Can you jus'... try?  For a few minutes?"

Heaving a long-suffering sigh, she got up and pulled a sweatshirt over her head -- Bailey's Notre Dame shirt.  She kind of wanted to preserve the Bailey scent of it by not wearing it, but also kind of wanted to feel like she was close to him by wearing it; the latter option won out.  She hadn't washed it, though, and didn't plan on ever washing it again.  Their scents could mingle, that way.  She thrust her feet into her ratty old fuzzy slippers.  Didn't bother changing her flannel pajama pants.  "Lead the way."

The sun was bright, brighter than it had any right to be, the air fresh and crisp and cold.  Ellie shouldn't have been a part of it... it was part of her previous life.  It hurt to be reminded of everything she'd lost.  She tried to block it all out as they sat in the loveseat swing in the backyard -- a swing that Ellie used to love.  When was the last time she'd sat there...

Joel was recalling the same memory.  "Remember that barbecue they had back here... we sat here an' somehow I got my shirt caught on... this little thingamajig here..." -- he grabbed at the metal hinge -- "...you thought it was the funniest thing for some reason, so I kinda played it up a bit..."

She couldn't comprehend how something as dumb as that had ever made her laugh.  "I was so stupid."

"No you weren't.  You were jus'... happier."

She leaned away from him, against the side of the swing.  "I'm not that person anymore," she reminded him.

"You're still you."

"Not really.  I'm... nevermind."  She didn't want to get into the subhuman stuff with him.

"You're what?"

"Nothing."  _Literally.  Ha._

He waited to see if she would answer honestly, but didn't push it when she didn't.  "Listen... Tommy told me about your... predicament.  Don' get mad at him, now -- he figured I should know an' it might be easier for everyone if... if he was the one that told me.  He also said you're... kinda in denial about it."

"I'm not," she said coldly.  "For fuck's sake -- everyone else was denying it a lot longer than me.  I know there's this fungus growing inside me... that has nothing to do with the Cordyceps."

"It ain't fungus, for Chrissakes."

"Well, it's just as bad.  Worse, actually."  She felt his hand on her shoulder... and didn't shrug it off, although she wondered how he could stand to touch her now that she was even more disgusting than she used to be.

"I didn' say it wasn' bad... it's hard on you, yes.  But... he also told me you're not sure if... he said that Bailey might be the father."

Was he going to lecture her about that now?  "He's probably not."

"But he could be."

She sighed.  "Yeah, we..."

"Right.  I don' need to hear the details."  That translated to _"please don't tell me, I can't stand to hear about my baby girl having sex."_   Which was perfectly fine with her.

Did he want her to apologize?  _Fuck that._   She _wasn't_ sorry that Bailey didn't die a virgin, and that she hadn't lost her virginity to that fucking asshole Tony.  Hadn't she lost enough?  Maybe Joel was trying to put her on the defensive, though.  Get himself off the hot seat.  She stared at a wheat-colored patch of grass on the ground.  "I disobeyed you.  I know, it's part of what makes me a terrible person.  But what you did was worse.  It had nothing to do with you... I didn't _hurt_ you," she muttered.

"I'm sorry, Ellie," he said yet again.  "It don' make you a terrible person.  It makes you a... a teenager.  An' I kinda suspected maybe..."

She turned around and looked at him incredulously.  "You knew?" _-and didn't go batshit?_

"Suspected," he repeated.  "That you two were doin' more than jus' kissin', anyway.  I wasn' sure what to do about it, if I _should_ do anything about it..."

"Weren't you mad?"

"Not really.  ...maybe a little," he amended.  She still saw no anger in his face.  "But I wasn' sure.  I meant to talk to Maria about it, see if she'd talk to you.  Thought maybe havin' a woman's perspective on... reasons to wait... maybe if it wasn' comin' from someone you thought was bein' overprotective, that... I don' know.  But I never did talk to her.  I kept puttin' it off."

"I'm not sorry I did it," she said quietly, fidgeting with her shirt, unable to look at him now.  She'd heard the guilt in his voice, and this was one thing she didn't want him to feel guilty about; it wasn't his fault.  "But I _am_ sorry that doing it meant breaking my promise.  I thought if you didn't know, then... it wouldn't upset you or anything, see, and then eventually I'd talk to you about it again like maybe after me'n'him had been together forever and then you'd say it was okay.  And it sorta happened by accident -- er, I mean, little by little, until... we actually didn't even have real sex until... just a few days before."

He squeezed her shoulder.  "It's all right.  It don' matter now." 

And Ellie figured he was probably glad it would never be an issue for them again.  "Aren't you gonna tell me we're even now?  We each broke a promise?"  She snorted.  "I'm surprised you didn't point that out to me already."

"What, you think I'm keepin' score?  One thing has nothin' to do with the other.  I don' expect you to call it square jus' 'cause... no.  I know it don' work like that.  It never even occurred to me, actually."

Ellie didn't think it made things even, either.  If it did, how could she still be so angry with him?  Yet if there was a scale for measuring bad decisions, the weight of hers still far exceeded his.  "Well, I'm paying for my mistakes now.  I have to carry this..." She let that thought die as she wadded up her shirt in her fists, flexing and unflexing. 

"You don' have to deal with it all by yourself."

"I know.  And I won't be dealing with it forever cuz I'm giving it away.  I'm sure you're happy about that."

"No, Ellie.  I ain't happy about _any_ of it... I hate that you have to..." He sighed.  "Tommy also said you made that decision awfully quick, an' when anyone tries to talk to you more about it, you shut down.  ...I can feel you doin' it now."  He dropped his hand.  He must have meant that he felt her tense up a little, because no way could he read her mind.  _Right??_   At least not to the extent that he could when they were close.  "I ain't gonna push it," he said.  "I'd be a hypocrite... considerin'."

He didn't have to finish that thought.  She glanced at him.  "I guess I owe you an apology for every time I tried to make you talk about something that hurts."

"No, see... talkin' about it was good, in the end.  I _needed_ to.  I jus'... needed a whole lot of pushes.  An' someone special doin' the pushin'."  He offered her a small smile. 

She didn't reflect it back to him.  Instead, she turned away.  _Don't let him get to you.  Just because he said you were special..._

"Maybe you don' trust me now," he continued.  "I wouldn' blame you.  If you wanna talk to someone else, that's fine.  But you can't keep shuttin' everyone out."

"You sound like Tommy."

"Do I?  I'll take that as a compliment.  He's always been better at... you know... talkin' an' shit."

That almost made her smile.  He _was_ trying.  She looked at him again.  "You think you're bad at it, but you're not.  That's not why... um, are you mad that I wanna stay here?"

"Not at all," he said, sounding -- and looking -- quite sincere.  "It's good for you to be around the three o' them."

"I _am_ glad you're back, though.  And you do seem different.  You don't look at me like..." _Like the filthy slut that I am_.

He lightly traced the cut on her cheek, which was much less noticeable than it used to be.  It was the only visible scar that remained, and it too would fade into nothing before long.  "I was so... _so_ incredibly angry, I can't even describe it to you.  It's good seein' you walkin' around again... your face back to its normal color... well, a bit paler than usual, not sunburned... but still.  I was hopin' you didn' notice, back then... how I..."

"Notice what?  That you were pissed off?  Kinda hard not to notice," she said dryly.

His hand dropped back to her shoulder.  "'Pissed off' ain't the right term.  Furious as hell, more like.  Even that don' do it justice."

"Justice.  Right.  Like what you set out to get."

"It wasn'... _noble_ or nothin'.  Vengeance would be more like it."

"For me."

"For what they did to you.  Yes."

"For me... even though I didn't _want_ you to go.  And you promised me you wouldn't," she pointed out stubbornly.

"I meant it at the time.  I swear I did.  But the days went by with me doin' nothin' day after day after day an'... I snapped."

Ellie snorted again.  "You meant it at the time?  See, the thing about promises is, they're supposed to be, you know... forever?  Not just when you fucking feel like it.  And how is it that you 'snapped' when you planned the whole thing out at least a day ahead?"

"It was very hastily planned," he said defensively.

"But you didn't just snap and run off."

"All right, maybe 'snapped' ain't the best word for it.  Somethin'... somethin' _changed_ , though.  I couldn't jus'..." He seemed frustrated, not being able to explain himself, but Ellie thought she knew what he was getting at.  "Anyway... I didn' wanna go off half-cocked.  Others were willin' to help, an' I thought... Plus I had to tell Tommy, I couldn' jus' up an' leave you alone without a word to anyone."

"Anyone except me!"

"I knew if I told you face to face I'd never be able to leave."

Like that was a good excuse.  She wasn't about to let him justify his actions with _that._   "Yeah, well, don't you think that should have told you something?  Like, _maybe you shouldn't leave._ "

"Maybe.  I wasn' thinkin' too clearly."

"So, now I'm supposed to believe whatever you say because you're 'thinking clearly.'  Until the next time you get mad and forget your fucking promises."  She turned away again, shrugging his hand off her shoulder, willing herself not to cry.  She leaned into the forward pole, twisting her body to face away from him as much as she could.  The cold was starting to gnaw at her, despite the sunshine warming her face.

"It was wrong.  I know.  I'm so sorry, Ellie."

She felt his hand on her back, and let it stay there.  He kept reaching out to her, in words and gestures, and she almost asked him why he bothered.  How long would he keep trying?  But... she did want him to keep trying.  She couldn't lie to herself about that. 

She stared at an evergreen tree across the yard.  Riley had come back, too... people weren't always gone forever when they left her.  But had Riley stayed away from her, she might still be alive today.  _And I never would have met Joel..._

Riley had been back (back from the dead, in Ellie's eyes) for such a short time, only like an hour before they got infected, that it all seemed like a dream.  A wonderful dream that evolved into a nightmare that in turn led her to this man who ended up changing her life completely.  Even though they hadn't gone on to live happily ever after like some fucking fairytale, it had been amazing to finally love and be loved in return.  As close to a fairytale as they could get, until she shattered the illusion... and Joel pissed on the remains.

"I'll prove to you that I'm stickin' around from now on," Joel continued.  "If you'll jus' let me."

"Would you still feel it was wrong to leave if you'd actually found the guys?" she challenged, glancing back at him.

Joel hesitated.  It was all the answer Ellie needed.

She turned away again.  "Thought so.  You... you say all the right things, the things you're supposed to say to make me forgive you, or... to make me feel better... but it's just... _noise_.  It's not real words with real meaning that... that..." _Damnit, don't cry!_ she commanded herself, sniffling.

Joel's hand had started rubbing her back soothingly as she spoke... now it tried to pull her towards him.

 _"Don't,"_ she snarled.

He let it rest on her back again.  "It'll take some time," he said softly.  "I don' expect you to forgive me.  I made a mistake.  I have to pay for it.  I get it."

"It's not about punishing you!" she snapped, turning to glare at him.  "I can't _trust_ you."

"'Cause you think I might leave again."

"You can't promise me that you won't, because your fucking promises don't mean shit!"  She turned away angrily, resting her forehead against the pole.

"I'm sorry, Ellie.  I truly am."

"Stop saying-- _ugh_ , that doesn't _change_ anything, Joel."

They sat quietly for a moment.  Joel pulled away from her.  "Do you want me to leave you alone?"

"Yes.  ...no."

He said nothing, perhaps waiting to see if the 'no' would stick.

"That's the fucked up thing," she said, leaning against the back of the swing and wiping her eyes.  Joel had angled himself towards her, his elbow resting over the back of the swing.  She stayed in the corner and stared at her lap.  "I hate what you did and... I hate that I can't believe anything you say... but I still wanna hear it.  So I can pretend, I guess," she confessed.  _Maybe if I'm real with him just a little, he won't leave me... it will be enough..._

"You don' have to pretend."  He lifted his arm off the back of the swing to stroke her hair... and she let him.  She kept fucking _letting_ him.  "I'm back," he said quietly.  "I'm here.  All I wanna do now is help you.  Will you at least let me try?"

"No one can help me," she mumbled.

 _"I_ can."

He sounded so sure of that.  She wanted to believe it so badly.  "I don't know why you'd even want to," she admitted.

"What -- help you?  Why wouldn't I?"

"Cuz this isn't what you signed up for when... when we came here."

"Mm.  What is it you think I 'signed up' for?"

"Um... laughter and smiles and... fun things, like the guitar... nice things like... like the hammock... don't you miss all that?"

"Sure I do.  Don't you?"  He continued petting her hair slowly, gently... lovingly, it seemed to Ellie. 

She wondered if he'd missed doing that, too.  Even though she knew it was one of those things that _didn't matter_ anymore, Ellie was glad she'd washed her hair yesterday, that it wasn't all gross like the last time he'd seen her.  He could thread his fingers through it easily now instead of losing them in a filthy web of tangles.  She _liked_ that he liked her hair.  But that was vain and shallow of her, and it didn't make sense for her to even have an opinion about such things anymore.  "All that stuff... that was a different life.  A different _me_.  It's all gone."

"Different, maybe.  Sure, yeah, things were different before.  But you're still my Ellie, no matter what.  You're still my baby girl."  His voice broke a little on the term of endearment, and Ellie knew if she looked at him then, she'd lose it completely.

She kept staring at her lap.  Her own voice was quivery, too.  "Except I'm _not_."

"You are," he said firmly.  "What, you think I... that I bailed on you 'cause things were hard?  That ain't why I left.  I left because I couldn' fuckin' take it anymore, that... that I let these two motherfuckers hurt my baby girl an' there I was, sittin' on my ass doin' nothin' about it."

She bristled a little.  "You still feel it.  You still feel that way.  You wanna hunt them down."

"I ain't leavin' you again."

"But you're not denying it."  Not that she could blame him, really.  How would she feel if he said he was over it now?  That he was okay with what they did?  She might hate him for that.  It was a no-win situation for him.

"It don' matter -- _I'm not leaving you_."

"They might already be dead for all we know," she pointed out.  In case he needed extra incentive to give up the hunt... later, when his promises were forgotten in a fit of rage or something.

"That's right.  Even if they ain't dead, tryin' to find 'em would be like lookin' for a needle in a haystack at this point."

"No," said Ellie.  "I could find a needle in a haystack.  Might take me forever but I could, cuz it would just stay there, it wouldn't be like... possibly jumping back to a place I already looked, if it felt like it.  If I pulled the clumps of hay out and sifted through them all methodical-like I'd eventually find it."

"You're right.  It'd be harder than that, then."

She could hear the smile in his voice.  She risked another glance at him.  "I'm glad you're here, Joel.  Really.  But it's cold out here and I need to pee and I... want to be alone for a while.  Just a while, not... not forever."

He dropped his hand to her shoulder and gave it a quick squeeze, then backed off.  "That's fine.  I'd like to keep comin' to see you, if that's all right."

Again, she had to wonder _why_ , but she was done talking about this shit.  She nodded.  "Okay."

"I'll see you this afternoon then?"

 _Really?_  She had thought he might say 'tomorrow,' or 'in a couple days.'  This afternoon was so...

"Too soon?" he asked, apparently misjudging her hesitation as reluctance.

"No, it's okay.  See you later, then."  She got up and started walking back inside before Joel could see her face.  _It's like maybe he still loves me.  That's something, at least._  She could feel her lips twitching up into a little smile -- a _real_ smile, unbidden, honest and pure and not at all like the plastic smiles she'd become accustomed to wearing.


	14. Dads and Daughters

Joel fiddled with Ellie's walkman for all of ten seconds before handing it back to her.  "I think you should let Marcus fix it," he said.  "You'll kill me if I fuck up that tape."

"Okay.  So you'd rather I kill Marcus instead?" she teased him.

"Yep.  Nah, he's prob'ly got the right gizmo to fix it, is all."

"You mean he's better at it than you."

He smiled.  "That too.  I ain't ashamed to admit it."

They were hanging out on the living room couch, just the two of them.  Joel had been coming to visit her every day, and she found herself warming up to him rather quickly -- too quickly for her liking.  She was still very aware that just because he'd been true to his word for a week or two didn't mean he would always be.  They didn't converse a lot (because Ellie never wanted to for long), but the silence didn't feel so... deafening, now.  It wasn't like old times -- it never would be like old times -- but it was better.  She had the feeling that Joel would be more receptive now if she did feel like talking about tough topics.  And she felt like maybe that wouldn't be so terrible, that she could take his hand and lead him into that dark corner of her heart where the pain lived, and he could handle it... that maybe it would be good for both of them to do a little housekeeping in that corner, together...

Just... not yet.

Joel helped her with household tasks, including fixing lunch or dinner (and sometimes both in the same day).  She liked having him around at mealtime.  Sometimes all five of them were there for dinner, and Ellie liked those times the best.  It felt like they were a family.  Even though she wasn't happy like she used to be, there was something appealing and satisfying about it.  She found that she didn't tune everything out as often as she used to.

Ellie did make more of an effort this time to not automatically reject Joel's suggestions, simple things like going for a walk or watching a movie.  She wanted to please him, but it wasn't only that; the idea of doing these things didn't strike her as unbearably awful anymore.  But when she did truly want to be alone, he didn't push her. 

She was still tired a lot.  Some nice friend of Ed's had donated their sound machine, which was supposed to help her sleep.  It seemed a little odd to her at first, to play these artificial sounds of rain, or an ocean, or a river... but it did actually seem to help.  The rain was her favorite.  She usually slept for several hours at night, uninterrupted by nightmares more often than not, and took naps during the day.  One nice habit they'd gotten into was Ellie resting on the couch beside Joel while he read the pregnancy book (she tried to tell him there was no point in doing that, but he wouldn't listen to her).  Sometimes she didn't even fully fall asleep; she just lay there listening to the soft swishes of turning pages, like she had that one night with Tommy, safe and content and… not alone.  _This isn't so bad_ , she would think.  _If I could still feel happy, I might be happy right now._

Physically, she felt better than she had in a long time.  Emotionally... well, apparently her whacked-out hormones weren't helping any, but at least she wasn't a total wreck.  She didn't have as much time to fantasize about suicide anymore... and she found she didn't really have the desire to, either.  She still liked the idea of knowing she could end her life if she chose to, that she had the power and the means, but thinking about it now wasn't the comfort that it used to be.  Her brain still balked at dealing with the baby adoption situation, so she kept avoiding the issue whenever possible.  Other than that, she felt there wasn't anything worth killing herself over.  She was stronger now.  She could take it, whatever 'it' was.

Maybe she would have reached this point on her own eventually, but she felt like she owed it to the one missing piece of her that had been restored -- Joel.

Usually Joel relished the chance to do shit like fixing her walkman for her, especially now that she rarely asked him for anything -- gone were the days of asking him to sing to fucking _plants_ \-- plus, he was still trying to make up for leaving town.  She eyed him suspiciously.  "Are you just trying to get me to go see him or something?"

"Why would I do that?" All innocence.

"You tell me."  Ellie scrutinized his expression for signs of ulterior motives or mischief.

Joel chuckled.  "Well, he _is_ a nice kid.  An' it wouldn' hurt for you to spend more time with people your own age."

"He's two years older than me," she pointed out.

"Close enough."

Ellie snorted.  "You didn't even want me to be with Bailey, and now you're practically pushing me at Marcus?"

"Not as a boyfriend, nothin' like that," Joel clarified quickly, a familiar expression of horror on his face (yep, she'd assumed correctly that he'd be okay with her being celibate for the rest of her life).  "He _was_ your friend before, remember?  I know he still wants to be."

Ellie wondered if Joel and Marcus had done some male bonding when they were Outside together for those few weeks.  Marcus had described Joel as quiet, and pretty much angry the whole time, but guys were weird -- they could probably bond through the anger.  "Fine," she said, "I'll go see him, at least to drop this off."

"Want me to go with you?" he offered.

"I'm not _afraid_ of him, Joel," she scoffed.  And she never left home without the gun.  "You can't see my belly really, right?  Even if I'm sitting down?"  She tried out various positions on the couch, looking to Joel for assurance that the baggy sweater she was wearing was baggy enough to hide her little bulge.  She would also be wearing Bailey's puffy jacket to go over there, but no need to keep that on indoors if she didn't have to.  It was cold enough now that everyone was using their heaters.

"He won' be able to tell, don' worry.  When are you gonna tell him?"

"I dunno… not today," she said with a sigh.  "I'll go after dinner; he'll prob'ly be home then."

And he was.  Several hours later, she and Marcus were hanging out in his bedroom, Ellie sprawled out on the floor in front of his CD player because _he had a Tori CD!_ for her to check out.  Marcus was sitting at his desk messing with her walkman while she listened.  It felt strange to be there without Bailey.  She tried not to think about it.  Tried not to imagine how he might have teased her about her obsession with this one singer.

Marcus completed the repairs before the last track of the CD had played, but he let her finish listening in peace.  Then he tried to show her what he’d done, because he said it was rigged-not-fixed and the same thing could happen again, but, in spite of her regret at not learning how to fix the damn thing herself, she was only half-paying attention -- she knew she'd bring it back to him rather than risk fucking it up herself.  And she told him as much.

"Oh, whatever, you've fixed this thing before," he reminded her.

"I've also completely _wrecked_ some tapes in there trying to fix it," she countered.

"Well, hopefully it's good to go for a little while. -Hey, you know what?" His face lit up.  "I can't believe I didn't think of this before. There's blank tapes in storage -- I can make a copy of this for you!  If the tape-to-tape stereo at the bookstore still works.  Haven't had to do that in a while. Quality won't be as good, except the tapes are unused so they should play better.  And I could copy that CD onto a tape for you, too!  Then you can listen to it whenever you want.  That one, I can do right here."

"Really?  That would be awesome!  If you can get the Stuffnazis to give you any."  Ellie didn't remember exactly what a nazi was or who had given the provisions managers the nickname; she just knew they could be stingy, especially with the non-essentials.  _This is ESSENTIAL, though!_

"I don't see why they'd care, but yeah, you never know, especially if you get Jill, she's the worst.  I bet if I drop your name they'd give 'em up quick enough, though -- ~Tommy’n’Maria’s _niece_ ~" he teased, sing-songing that last bit in a snooty voice.

"Oh, whatever, shut up."  She plopped back down on the floor.  Marcus and Bailey -- mostly Bailey -- used to tease her about using her ‘social status’ to get whatever she wanted, and Ellie would play along, trying to imitate a spoiled brat when she really had no idea what such a person would act like outside of movies (she used to do it to Joel sometimes too, and he thought she wasn’t half bad at it).  It was funny because in reality, Ellie never wanted much.  _I already had more than I ever thought I would..._

And just like that, her enthusiasm died, guilt taking its place.

Marcus sat down on the floor near his desk.  "I miss him too," he said quietly.

She started to get up.  "I should prob'ly get going--"

"No, stay.  You never wanna talk about him.  Why?  Does it hurt too much?"  His tone was kind enough to give Ellie pause.

She slumped back to the floor and leaned against his bed, sighing up at the ceiling.  "You wouldn't understand," she intoned.

" _What_ wouldn't I understand?"

"Why don't you hate me?" she blurted out instead of answering.  "I've always wondered."

He gave her an odd look.  "Why would I hate you?  I know it's been hard for you... that you're not yourself..."

"I _am_ myself.  This is how I am.  That other me was so... _dumb_."

"No--"

She cut him off before he could try to comfort her with lies.  "But that's not what I'm talking about.  Don't you hate me for... taking him Outside like that?"

Marcus still looked confused.  "No, that's... you feel like that because of what his mom said.  Right?  You blame yourself."

"Not because of her saying it -- because it's fucking _true_.  I knew it before she even said anything."  Ellie was thick-skinned enough to shrug off mean shit people said _if_ it also didn't happen to be correct.

Marcus frowned.  "I get it, why you'd feel like that.  But Bailey made the same decision you did, so if it's your fault, then it's his fault, too."

"No, see, cuz it was _my idea_.  I'm the _reason_ he went out there.  He didn't even want to go."

"No!  Maybe it was your idea, but Ellie, he _wanted_ to go with you.  He was excited about it."

She could see Marcus believed what he was saying... but it didn't matter.  He was wrong.  "I think he was more scared than excited," she corrected him.  "Because he was _smarter_ than me."

"I dunno about that, but... if he was scared, maybe that was part of the excitement?"

Ellie thought that any excitement on his part was probably just a reflection of her own.  She remembered him being afraid.  What Marcus said... "Wait... how do you even know?  No one knew we were gonna sneak out that night."

" _I_ did," he smirked.  "He knew I wouldn't tell his mom.  We were working together that day.  He didn't seem scared at all.  Just excited.  He was looking forward to it.  I didn't try to talk him out of it, either.  I didn't think that-- didn't _expect_ anything like... that... would happen.  Maybe I could've said something to him.  You know?  I think about that, sometimes.  How things could've been different.  For him _and_ for you."

"It's not _your_ fault!"  Ellie was horrified that he might feel even remotely guilty about her mistake.

Marcus shrugged.  "Maybe not directly.  But then it's not yours, either."

"It was _my idea_ ," she repeated exasperatedly.

"He could've said no.  I could've talked him out of it, then he could've talked _you_ out of it, and neither of you would've gotten hurt."

Ellie laughed mirthlessly.  "That's kinda pushing it, don't you think?  You have nothing to feel guilty about.  Bailey was good and obedient and... I should've just let that Tara girl have him."

"Wait -- what?"  Marcus seemed to find that amusing.  "Psh.  Please.  Don't you think if he liked Tara like that, then he'd have been with her?"

"But I, like... _stole_ him."

"He was never _hers_ \-- you didn't _steal_ anything, dumbass."

"He used to hang out with her, didn't he?"  The idea of Bailey and Tara as a couple had come from _some_ where.  She wasn't making it up.

"Not that much, no.  Enough that people gossiped about them, I guess?  But people don't know shit.  He never liked her that way, I'm telling you."

 _He sounds so sure about that..._ Ellie wondered if Bailey would have admitted it to Marcus if he'd had a crush on the girl.  She didn't know if guys typically told other guys shit like that.  "Well, maybe he would have, if I'd left him alone," she said stubbornly.

"Bullshit.  _He didn't like her._   You're the one he wanted.  If they'd been together, it would've been like... like he was settling.  Like 'okay I guess if I want a girlfriend it has to be her, I'll just make the best of it'... he wasn't the type of person who would do that.  He'd rather just be alone."

That reminded her of things Joel had said before, about people making do with limited options.  Joel wasn't willing to do that, to try to force anything -- like the way Tommy had pushed Esther at him when they first came to town.  Maybe Bailey wouldn't have been willing, either, even if Ellie wasn't in the picture.  But that seemed an awfully lot like she was trying to let herself off the hook when she deserved to have that hook firmly wedged up her ass.

"You don't seem convinced," Marcus observed when she didn't reply.  "Ellie, seriously, he was so into you... you know, I think maybe part of the attraction was _because_ his mom didn't like you.  Like you gave him this feeling of... rebelling, or whatever.  I mean, yeah, him and his mom were close, but he didn't like being the ~perfect little boy~ she thought he was.  You and him together, like... made him more of his true self, you know?  Does that make sense?"

Ellie felt the tears welling up, and she kind of wondered what had taken them so long.  She shook her head.  "No, he was good, and I made him bad-- I _corrupted_ him!"

"No you didn't!  You-- you _couldn't_ , you're not _bad_ \--"

"Yes I am!  You don't _know_ ," she spluttered.  She started to feel the panic rising up into her throat.  Maybe it was all the Bailey talk... thinking about that night... although sometimes it happened for no obvious reason that Ellie could point to.

"You're not," Marcus insisted quietly.  He noticed she'd started breathing more audibly.  "Are you okay?  You, um..."

"Shit," she grumbled.  She was glad the door was closed (Marcus had said if he didn't close it, his little brother would pester them all night).  _You're closed in, Ellie... safe and secure, you don't need to go to the corner..._ "Yeah, just-- sorry.  It's gonna -- it'll be over -- pretty soon --"

Marcus didn't look as freaked out as she thought he'd be.  He was downright calm, even.  "What do I do?  You want me to go get Joel?"

"No -- no," she gasped.  Joel always overreacted, and it wasn’t like he could even do anything to stop it.  "Nothing -- don't, just -- it'll go away -- sorry--"

"‘kay.  Don't be sorry, it's cool.  Uh... not _cool_ , I just mean... you know.  You can't help it."

 _You're fine, you're okay..._ She scooted into the corner anyway, even though she was supposed to understand that it didn't make any difference.  _You're fine, you're safe,_ she kept telling herself.  "I can leave," she offered.  It was embarrassing, freaking out in front of him.  Better to do it outside.

"What?"  He looked appalled.  "No.  Is there anything I can do to make it go away faster?"

She shook her head.  "Just wait."

"I can play the CD again, would that help?"

"No, but -- play it anyway --"

He chuckled and walked past her to the CD player.

"The fairytale -- song," she requested.  She doubted she'd be able to really hear it that well over the noise in her head, but maybe this time would be different.  _You're okay you're okay you're okay_ , she chanted to herself as she tried to take deep breaths and vanquish the feeling that she was about to die.  _You're okay, and you CAN save yourself, and people DO hear you when you scream, you're okay, you're safe, you're gonna make it._

 

* * *

 

"I think I'm ready to finally get out of you guys's hair and move back home," Ellie announced cheerfully at dinner one night.  "Though I'm not sure why it's hair and not like... your face?  Weird expression."

Maria was the first to respond.  "We like you being in our hair, and our faces," she said with a smile, "but since this means you're feeling better, I'm glad."

"You, I don' mind," Tommy told Ellie.  "It's _him_ I've seen a little too much of these past few weeks."

Joel mock-glared at him.  "Why do you think I want her to move home?  I'm tired of seein' your sorry ass every day."

"Now now, children," Ed pretended to scold them.  "If you two got along better I might suggest we just go find a bigger house."

Maria latched on to that remark.  "Like a four- or five-bedroom?  There's an idea..."

"Oh hell no," Joel said good-naturedly.  "I'm fine with jus' me an' Ellie."

 _Ellie-and-a-half_ , Ellie thought grimly.  "We'll come visit you so much you won't even miss us," she assured them.

 _We.  Us.  Me and Joel.  Just like it used to be._   Only... not.  It would never be quite like it used to be.  She was definitely feeling better, though.  She didn't like being in her room all the time -- too boring.  And she was reading again; she'd started reading the series that Bailey loved, the one he'd begun writing a sequel for.  It was pretty dark and depressing so far... which was probably why it was enjoyable to read -- the characters weren't annoyingly happy, or fretting about stupid shit.  Some of their lives were _way_ worse than her own.  She found it oddly compelling.

She'd even been helping out at school, reading with the little kids.  They didn't hate her after all, so maybe no one had explained to them how she'd been responsible for Miss Rachel dying.  _She_ sure wasn't going to tell them.  _Maybe the adults don't think that, either... maybe I assume too much, like Nana said._   She wasn't sure what would happen when she got big enough that she couldn't hide her belly under baggy clothes, though... everyone would have a visible reminder of her sins, her shame.

Joel wasted no time in moving her and her belongings back home.  Between the two of them, it only took one trip, as she hadn't acquired much since she'd left.

Ellie hadn't been in the house since that awful morning when she'd woken up to find Tommy there instead of Joel.  It was a little bit of a time warp, seeing the room again, remembering how she'd felt that day... but she ignored it and busied herself with unpacking.

Joel frowned at the window.  Or, rather, the boards hiding the window.  "You don' still want these on here, do ya?"

"Yes I do!  Leave it alone."

"If you're worried someone's gonna break in, I could just put one across like this" -- he demonstrated -- "and you'd still be able to see out of it.  Light would still come in."

"It's not... well, it's _part_ that, I guess.  But mostly... something else.  Please, Joel.  Isn't it enough that I won't spend every waking hour in here?"

He sat on her bed and digested that.  "Yes.  You're doin' really well, kiddo."

"You are, too."  She sat next to him.  "You haven't even left town once," she added with a grin, punching his arm lightly.

"Cute.  You're doin' so well that you're a little smartass again."

It was true; her sense of humor seemed to have resurfaced.  Although she was still no barrel of laughs (how did one stuff laughs into a barrel, anyhow?  Another dumb expression).  "It's weird, how sometimes I can be... _that_ me."

"Ain't weird at all.  You're still you, you will always be you, an' I'll keep remindin' ya 'til it sinks in."

She felt an odd fluttering sensation in her stomach -- one she used to attribute to gas or indigestion, but now recognized for what it was.  "Oh!  Joel!  It's kicking!  Right here..." she hitched her shirt up a little and stared at the spot on her belly, waiting for her flesh to move.  "Gimme your hand."  She wasn't sure why she wanted Joel to feel it.

"I don' think you're far enough along for me to feel it."  But he rested his hand on her stomach anyway.

"You don't feel that?"

"Nope."

"Damn."

"Maybe in another week or two."

"The book said it could be as early as twenty weeks, that you can feel it on the outside.  I'm almost twenty-two."

Joel chuckled.  "It takes as long as it takes."

Ellie rolled her eyes at him.  That seemed to be his new motto; he applied it to as many things as he could.  The only thing worse was 'it is what it is' -- like something could ever be what it's _not?_

She'd been reluctant to read that pregnancy book.  Why bother if she wasn't keeping the kid?  To understand what was happening to her body, they said... well, she didn't need to know the gory details.  They also said it might help her think of it more as a person and not a _thing_ \-- but to Ellie, the more removed she was from it, the better.  Until curiosity had eventually gotten the better of her.

Well... curiosity, and Joel obnoxiously reading her random things out of it from time to time.  Like how the baby already had eyebrows, and it swallowed, and it could hear her if she talked to it, or sang to it.  Shit she really didn’t need to know, or think about…

The book was addictive, though.  It had a week-by-week description and illustration of the baby's development.  Ellie still thought the pictures looked creepy as fuck, yet somehow, seeing them did make the baby seem more human.  When she learned that that first marijuana-induced nightmare she'd had (where she felt like some demon was trying to claw its way out of her) was too early for the baby to even have implanted itself in her womb yet, it solidified the obvious -- she was indeed having a baby, not a monster.

That didn't make her want to keep it, though.  It just... made her care a little more.  She wanted it to have a good home.  She'd finally told Tommy and Maria she was ready to discuss it, and ready to go about selecting parents.  It was Joel who had nixed that idea.  She'd thought he'd be pleased to see her start addressing the issue... but no!  He thought it was better to arrange the adoption after the baby was born.

_"But Joel!  I'd feel better about giving it up if I know where it's going."_

_"You mean you'll tell yourself you have no choice, once you commit to the adoptive parents."_

_"Well, kinda, yeah.  That's a GOOD thing."_

_"Not when you won't even talk through your feelings about it all."_

_"I don't have to!  There's no way I'm fucking keeping it!"_

_"Why not?"_

_"Because!  Because I'm sixteen and not married and the father's an asshole."_

_"MIGHT be an asshole."_

_"He's either an asshole or he's dead.  Same difference, really -- I'd be a single parent."_

_"With a shitload of help from your family."_

_"You don't actually WANT me to keep it, do you?!"_

_"...I want you to give it some thought."_

_"I've thought about literally nothing else since this happened!"_

_"No, you haven't.  You told yourself from the get-go that since you can't abort it, you'll give it away.  You haven't considered how hard that might be to do, or that maybe when the time comes, you really WILL want the kid."_

_"Because I won't!"_

_"Maybe.  Maybe not.  You don' know yet."_

_"And you don't know that I WILL."_

_"True.  That's all I'm sayin' -- we don't know.  That's why you decide AFTER."_

She'd given in, although she wasn't going to change her mind.  When she thought about it... did she really want the parents-to-be -- total strangers, or people she only barely knew -- hovering over her all the time?  Judging everything she did, monitoring what she ate... _talking_ to her through the duration of her pregnancy?  Granted, they might not do any of that, but she imagined they'd want to be involved.  They would be the ones feeling her belly -- or wanting to.  There was no need to get that ball rolling yet.

Joel pulled his hand back and looked at her for a moment.  "I never told you this, but... in the beginnin'?  I didn' want Sarah."

Ellie was surprised -- at both the content of the confession and the fact that he was even confessing to it at all.  She knew that Sarah had been his world.  "What?  You're shitting me."

"It's true.  I was about your age at the time.  Seventeen when she was born... jus' like you'll be.  Neither of us was ready to have a baby.  Katie was only sixteen, she ended up droppin' out of high school.  I finished, but, like I told you before, didn' go to college.  Yep, I sure thought my life was over, gettin' saddled with a wife an' kid before I was even legally an adult."

 _My life is over, too_ , Ellie thought, rather reflexively.  Except now it didn't quite ring true.  Not the way it did a month ago.  She wondered if Joel had chosen those words purposely, to echo her own.  "Did you get married before she was born?"

"Yes.  I wanted to 'do it right.'  Damn, was that ever a mistake!"

"Huh?  But you _loved_ Sarah..."

"Oh, _she_ wasn' the mistake," Joel was quick to clarify.  "The _marriage_ was a mistake.  Anyway, Katie an' me, we talked about our options.  Abortion, adoption, keepin' it.  Pretty much in that order.  Neither of us was real keen on abortion.  For a while, she wanted us to raise the kid, an' I wanted to give it up for adoption."

Ellie listened raptly.  As surprised as she'd been a few moments earlier, now she couldn't believe Joel had never mentioned any of this before.  She tried to imagine Joel as a seventeen-year-old.  _Bailey's age._   She couldn't do it.  Surely he'd been old his whole life.  _Ha!_  "Did you change your mind after she was born then?  Is that why you think I might do that?"

He shook his head.  "No.  We wouldn'ta gotten married in that case... at least not before Sarah was born.  She was the _only_ reason I wanted to get married.  To give her my name, an' jus'... you know.  Be a real family.  No, what happened was I went to one of Katie's doctor appointments.  Saw the little blob on the screen... like the pictures in your book.  Didn' think much of it.  They asked if we wanted to know the sex.  I didn' much care.  Katie, she wanted to know so she could get the 'right' color on everything, buy the right outfits, all that shit."

"Even though you still wanted to give it up for adoption?"

"Yeah, an' she knew I felt like that.  But she wanted to keep it no matter what, an' raise it by herself if she had to... I didn' like the idea of that either, so I figured I'd go with the flow an' hopefully get her to change her mind somewhere down the line.  She was thinkin' along the same lines, that she'd get me to change _my_ mind."

Ellie smiled.  "She won, obviously.  So what happened at the appointment?"

"So, the doc tells us it's a girl.  An' right then... I mean, it wasn' like I all of a sudden changed my mind right away, but I thought... 'huh, I'm gonna have a daughter.  That's my little girl in there.'  She wasn' an 'it' no more.  I could kinda imagine what it would be like, havin' a daughter, an' it felt like... like 'hey it could actually go like that'... I prob'ly ain't explainin' it too good, but I slowly started to come around, after that."

"Awwww, that's so sweet!"  She could totally imagine Joel's expression (even if it was on his current face, not a young one) when he heard the announcement.  "What if it was a boy?"

"I reckon I prob'ly would've had similar thoughts -- 'that's my son in there.'  I don' know..."  Joel chuckled a little and shook his head.  "There's somethin' special about dads an' daughters, though."

Ellie could tell that he wasn't thinking only of Sarah when he said that.  _He still thinks of me as his daughter.  Well, duh... otherwise he wouldn't put up with my shit..._ She was glad he didn't seem to expect a response from her, because her throat suddenly felt tight. 

"Either way, it makes it seem more real," he continued.  "Maybe that's a cliché, but it really is true.  Too bad we don' have one of them machines to hook you up to an' see what you're havin'."

Ellie wondered how she'd feel if she knew the sex of her baby.  Surely it wouldn't matter... it wasn’t like it would change reality, after all.  She'd still be having an unplanned, unwanted rape baby.

Joel seemed to sense her thoughts.  "I know the situation was different an' all, an' I ain't tryin' to influence you.  Adoption would be different for you, here... you wouldn' exactly be sendin' your kid out into the great unknown with a chance of never seein' it again.  It would be right here in Jackson.  You could spend time with it if you wanted.  Or not.  I hope you know I ain't tryin' to change your mind, that--"

"I know that," she assured him.  Why _would_ he?  It was already set on the option he liked.  "You've already told me that, like... every single time you try to talk to me about it.  To keep an open mind, but it's ultimately my choice, blah blah blah."

"Blah blah blah?  You make me sound like a girl... ow!"  He pretended it hurt when she play-slugged him for that assessment.  "All right then.  Jus' know that it's possible -- _possible_ \-- your feelings might change as time goes by.  Look how much they've changed already-- about yourself... me..."

"The world is still a fucked-up place, though," Ellie lamented.  "And I don't really know why anyone would want to raise a child in it... it's hard enough to get through it yourself, then you have to worry about being responsible for someone else's well-being on top of that?!"

Joel was quiet a moment, with an odd look on his face, and his smile struck Ellie as rather sad.  "Funny, that's how I felt for a long, long time... 'til I met you."

 

* * *

 

Everything changed one day in mid-December.

They hadn't had a real blizzard yet this winter, but it was pretty fucking cold.  Cold enough that she and Joel wore jackets and gloves, knit caps and scarves.  Having appropriate clothing made cold weather _so_ much more bearable.  Ellie always told herself that wearing Bailey's jacket was like having his arms around her again, keeping her warm.  The thought somehow hurt and felt good at the same time.

There were patches of snow on the ground, and a gray sky above them that promised more to come.  After the winter they'd endured two years ago, Ellie would have expected that if she never saw snow again, it would be too soon... but now, she kind of liked it when it was new and fresh.  Pure and powdery and beautiful.  She could enjoy it for a while, then go inside and warm up with a mug of hot cider -- a luxury she did not take for granted, and hoped she never would.

But now, there was work to be done, and Ellie still relished the idea of being useful after being nothing but a burden for so long.  She tugged on the wood panel and felt it give a little.  "These two here are loose, see?  Not like falling-off loose, but if I was looking to get out, I'd totally exploit this part."

Joel fetched a hammer and a long nail out of his toolbox and drove the nail through the panel into the rail supporting it.  He showed Ellie where to reinforce it on the bottom half, and he let her do that one herself.  Sometimes, if he was in a certain mood, Joel waxed nostalgic about all the power tools he used to have at his disposal for this kind of thing, as well as the variety of materials, the seemingly endless bounty of supplies compared to what they had to deal with now... and he'd lament the shoddy state of so many structures in the town.  Ellie thought that if it were in his power, he would rebuild the entire settlement.  She listened attentively during these times, asking him questions just to hear him talk with that little extra something in his voice that wasn't usually there.

He wouldn't be that way this time, at least not as much -- not while they were patrolling the perimeter, on the Outside.  It was the only time Ellie would go out there:  only in daylight, and only with Joel.  She wished they could make Jackson County as impregnable as a Quarantine Zone, but they just didn't have the means.  If they could only have barbed wire electric fences _everywhere,_ there would be fewer raids.  Joel had suggested their current project -- scouting the walls and fences for weaknesses -- as something therapeutic for Ellie.  She wanted to make Jackson as safe as possible from intruders... but she was also concerned because she and Bailey weren't the only stupid kids looking for ways to sneak out.  She knew how kids could dare each other to do idiotic things, never thinking of the repercussions.  Some kids had never even gone Out at all, and seemed to view it as a mystical land that promised adventure.  Her story was a cautionary tale to them.  Joel thought it would be a pretty powerful message, coming directly from her, but... Ellie didn't feel ready for that, not yet.  She really did want to do it, though (conveniently omitting the naked skinny-dipping part, of course).  Someday.  For now, it would have to be enough for parents and guardians to pass it on and hope the kids took it seriously.

Ellie still struggled with her brain throwing threats in her face that weren't real.  Nightmares, flashbacks, panic attacks... all less frequently than before, but still.  Her first venture Out didn't last very long.  Every little rustling sound, even just the whispering of the wind, sent a jolt of terror through her.  She tried to tell herself not to be ridiculous, that she heard wind all the time Inside and wasn't afraid of it then... but Joel took her home in less than ten minutes.

She did much better the next time, and the time after that.  She had her gun (Tommy had let her keep the Glock), and she had the best 'bodyguard' ever.  Nothing to fear.  And patrols never took them too far away from the town, not like hunting would have.

She was still ubercautious, though.  Joel said that was a good thing.  Every time she thought she heard or saw something sinister, he took it seriously.  Every single time, even though usually it was still only the wind.  She loved him for doing that.

Ellie was the one who noticed it first, as she stood guard while Joel adjusted yet another wooden panel.  Someone approaching from the west... someone who might very well have been a Jackson resident, but out there, you couldn't afford to make any assumptions.  "Joel!" she alerted him as she drew her gun.  He dropped the hammer and immediately pointed his shotgun in the direction Ellie was looking.  It was a man, bundled up against the cold in a trench coat... a knit cap and a scarf as well.  No weapon in plain sight.  A rucksack on his back.

If he lived in Jackson, he would have identified himself by name or with the town's standard code word by now.  The guns didn't make him turn tail and run, but he did slow his approach, and he raised his hands up over his head in the gesture of surrender.  "Don't shoot!" he called out to them.  He was closer than shouting distance, but far enough away that they'd need to speak loudly in order to communicate.  "I'm not looking for trouble.  You two live inside?"

"What do you want?" Joel asked gruffly.  He wasn't exactly the welcome wagon of Jackson, to say the least, greeting strangers with suspicion and his trademark scowl.  "Stay right there."

Ellie really was taking after Joel with regards to new people, because she didn't like the guy.  Even though he sounded perfectly friendly and hadn't done anything even remotely threatening. _Jesus, not every guy is BAD, Ellie,_ she reminded herself.

The man stopped walking.  He was a little too far away for her to make out his facial features perfectly, but from what she could see, he resembled someone she very much wanted to forget... _but he's long gone, so what the fuck?_   "I got nowhere to stay for the winter," the guy was saying.  "I'm looking to trade work for food and shelter."

Joel sized him up.  Glanced at Ellie.  "Pretty sure we don' got any job openings."

"I'm a good worker," the man called back to them.  "Shittiest job you got?  I'll do it.  Anything."

It was something about the cadence of his voice there that made it click for her beyond the shadow of a doubt... _"You wanna carry her?  'Cause I don't."_

Ellie stifled a gasp.  _Oh my God..._   She tugged on Joel's arm and squeaked out, "He's one of _them!"_


	15. Karma Police

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from the Radiohead song.
> 
> WARNINGS for this chapter: Heh, well, remember way back in the beginning when I said there was a spoilery warning I didn't want to mention until I got there, but I didn't think anyone would really care by that point? That would be this one -- warning for torture in this chapter, somewhat graphic though not as bad as it could have been. But I have to do my duty and warn for it, even if I imagine most readers will feel kind of like I did when I wrote it -- mainly "FUCK YEAH!" It might be a bit over the top... I just couldn't resist indulging Joel a bit :)

Joel didn't even ask her if she was sure.  He just looked at her for a moment, a strange excitement starting to bloom on his face.

"Oh God... what do we do..." Ellie whispered.

"Don' shoot him.  Stay right there," he commanded before he started slowly walking towards the man -- it was Tony.  The 'mean' one... the one who had killed her sweet Bailey.  He didn't have the long fuzzy beard anymore, unless it was concealed under his winter garments.  She was sure it was him, though, and when Joel got close enough to see a missing tooth on one side, he would be sure, too.  Tony just had to open his mouth wide enough.  Smile, or laugh a little.

"You got any weapons on you?" Joel asked him.  He sounded almost conversational, really. 

Ellie wondered how Joel could be so fucking calm after what she had just told him.  Why didn't he just jump on the guy and beat the shit out of him?  But she knew there would be a 'method to his madness,' as they say.  _Or his LACK of madness?_

"Couple guns, sure," Tony answered.  He had moved a little closer to close the gap between him and Joel.  Too close for Ellie's comfort.  She could feel her heartbeat starting to accelerate.

"Take your coat off.  Let me see 'em," Joel said tersely.  A little less conversational... but still not threatening.

Tony unbuttoned his trench coat and shrugged out of it along with the rucksack.  He was wearing a holster on each side, kind of like Joel's.  He wouldn't have been able to pull one of the guns on them too quickly, with that long coat buttoned over them.  It seemed like he truly was approaching them in peace.

 _So why does my heart want to leap out of my chest?!_ Ellie wondered.  It wasn't that bizarre, of course, from an emotional standpoint... but this time, she had the upper hand.  She was armed.  She had Joel.  She wasn't fucking _naked_.  And Tony wasn't expecting her to be alive.  She didn't want him to recognize her and possibly fuck up whatever Joel was trying to do, but she couldn't turn away.  She was ready to shoot if anything went wrong.  Although right now, she'd be shooting Joel if she didn't move...

"Lay 'em on the ground there, nice an' slow," Joel ordered him.  He stopped walking. 

Tony hesitated, but did comply, chuckling nervously.  "You search all your friendly visitors like this?"

Joel was all business, deaf to such ice-breaking attempts.  "Turn around.  Slowly, arms out.  All the way."  Ellie wondered why Joel was making him do this little dance.  After he'd turned in a circle, Joel gestured for Tony to move.  "Now stand over there... right there... jus'... yeah, that's good.  Don' move.  Ellie, go grab his shit," he called over to her.

Joel had positioned them so that Tony was standing farther away from her, and Joel was right next to the items he wanted her to retrieve, his shotgun still trained on the other man.  But Ellie was frozen to the ground... as frozen as she'd been that day when she was about to die.

"Ellie.  It's okay," Joel tried to reassure her.

Yet still she wouldn't budge.  She had a clear shot now.  _I could just blow his head off..._ The guy was looking at her like... like maybe she was familiar to him, as if trying to place where he might know her from.  _Does he remember my name?  Except I think Bailey only called me 'Ell'... plus, the fucker thinks Pete killed me._

The asshole did look rather scared.  Like he might start shitting bricks any second.  Joel could have that effect on people, but still, Ellie had to wonder if it was just part of the shithead's 'nice guy' act.  He was looking at Joel now, not her.  Smiling a little -- showing the gap of a missing tooth.  "Hey, uh... I was told this was a nice town?  I don't mean no harm, you don't have to..."

Joel holstered his own shotgun, and then he even removed the holsters and added them to the pile beside him.  The other man visibly relaxed.  "Thanks.  Tony."  He offered Joel his hand to shake.

Joel didn't shake it.  Instead, he decked the guy in the face.

Tony reeled backwards, but didn't quite fall to the ground.  Before he could catch his breath or even process what had happened, Joel grabbed him and punched him in the gut, doubling him over.

Ellie wanted to scream, but felt like she was back in one of her nightmares where no sound comes out of her.  She couldn't breathe.  _Joel!  Just shoot him!_ She could shoot him herself, but Joel was too close, it was too risky...

Almost as if he could hear her brain, Joel glanced her way.  "Ellie, don' shoot!" he reminded her. 

"What the fuck, man?"  Tony gasped.  "This some kind of... initiation thing?"

"Somethin' like that."  Joel lunged again, but this time Tony blocked the blow.  They started tussling, and Tony did manage to hit Joel a couple times.  Ellie had seen Joel fight before, plenty of times, and she knew he was strong and capable... but she felt the panic creeping into her throat anyway.  Her hands trembled around her pistol.  _If it looks like Joel's gonna lose, I don't care what he says, I'm pulling this trigger when I get a clean shot_.

Within a couple minutes, Joel wound up on top of Tony on the ground, and kept pounding him in the face, spraying blood everywhere.  Brutal as it was, Ellie was sure she'd seen him hit harder.  He was holding back.  _How?!  And why?_   She found herself admiring his uncharacteristic restraint, because she knew the angry-beyond-words part of him would have killed the motherfucker five minutes ago.  _He must have something special in mind for this dickwad._

"Stop... dude, please!  Stop!  I'll go," Tony pleaded.

Joel looked as enraged as Ellie had ever seen him, but he actually did stop... if only to catch his own breath.  "Oh, you ain't goin' nowhere.  Ellie?  Hand me that hammer, wouldja?"  Ellie couldn't see the guy's face, but Joel didn't take his eyes off of it, and she figured it sported a look of terror that he was absolutely relishing.

She still couldn't move.  "I... I can't," she said miserably.  She was just trying to breathe.

"S'all right."  Joel stood up and ground his boot into the guy's chest.  He pushed hard enough that Tony yelped in pain, the cry likely drowning out the sound of a few ribs cracking.  "Don' move," he barked at Tony.

Then Joel left him and... did something with the bag, coat, and guns that she failed to retrieve earlier.  Ellie didn't see what he was doing because she couldn't take her eyes off the man on the ground... he'd lost his hat, so she could see the mop of dark hair pretty much how she remembered it, and his scarf -- _his beard's as short as Joel's now.  Wouldn't it make more sense to grow it long for winter?  Like for warmth or something?  -Why am I even thinking about this?_

She could see Joel approaching in her peripheral vision, so she wasn't startled when she felt his hand on her shoulder.  "Ellie.  Look at me.  Ellie!"

Her eyes darted back and forth between him and Tony a few times, then focused on Joel.  "You're bleeding..."  His beard was absorbing the blood coming from the corner of his mouth.

"It's nothin'."  Joel had managed to shed all of his winter garments, but Ellie could feel the heat radiating from him like a furnace.  He spoke to her calmly.  "I want you to put the gun down now, all right?  It's okay.  Sit down... here..." He eased her to the ground.  "I'll be right back."

"Joel, he's moving!"

Tony was making a staggering attempt to get up.  Joel didn't seem concerned.  He picked up the hammer from his toolbox and walked back over to Tony, who was clearly fucked up already, unable to even stand up straight.  Joel shoved him down effortlessly before the guy could even try to make a break for it.

"Now, where were we..." Joel nudged Tony with his foot to roll him over onto his back.  He waggled the hammer over him threateningly.  "Let's see here... left wrist, right foot, wasn' it, Ellie?"

Tony was screaming before the hammer even came down.

Ellie thought she was in a dream for a moment, and that Joel was shaking her awake from it.  But then she realized she must have started to go all spacey and Joel had snapped her out of it -- and that this was very much happening.

Joel was kneeling in front of her.  The gun wasn't in her hands anymore, although she didn't remember putting it down.  "Ellie, do you wanna go home?"

She was breathing easier now.  She stared at the writhing figure on the ground.  "What about him?"

"Don' worry about him.  I got this."

"I don't wanna go home by myself..."

"I can take you home."

"But..."

"I'll fix him so he can't move for shit first an' then come back here."

"You're not gonna shoot him?"

"I might.  But not anywhere lethal.  A quick death is too good for this son of a bitch."  He raised his voice enough to ensure that Tony heard that bit.

Tony called out to them in little spurts between gasps for air.  "Hey... I don't know... who you think... I am... but... I didn't... do anything..."

Joel smirked to himself.  "He's gonna know full well what he did before he dies, if he don' know it already."

"I... I swear!" Tony cried.

Ellie looked at the pathetic man on the ground, and she started to feel stronger.  He was no threat to her.  "I don't want to leave.  I want to watch him die."

Joel was looking at her, and she was sure he felt the shift, too... the fear being overpowered by the awakening hatred.  "You can help, if you want," he offered.

She pondered this.  Would it be like some kind of fucked-up therapy if she participated?  She looked at Joel.  The feverish look in his eyes was almost scary.  It sure seemed like he was enjoying himself.  Rachel's 'taste for violence' remark came to mind... _but so what?  She said it like it was a bad thing.  It's not.  Not always._   Not for Joel -- at least not right now.  He _needed_ to fuck this guy up, whereas Ellie wanted him to suffer and die but didn't feel like she'd be... _incomplete? devastated?_ if it wasn't at her hands.  "Um... I think I'd rather let you do it.  For a little while, at least?"

He nodded.  "My pleasure.  I've been waitin' for this day for a looong time."  He kissed her forehead as he stood up; it was kind of an odd thing for a person to do before trotting off to torture someone, but somehow the affectionate gesture seemed fitting.  Before he returned to his victim, he picked up his jacket and the trench coat and handed them to her.  "Sit on these so you don' freeze your ass off, yeah?"

She'd forgotten that the ground was cold, but his remark made her suddenly aware that her ass was indeed quite chilled already, snow or no snow.  She bunched up the coat, laid it beside her, and scooted over to sit on it, pulling Joel's jacket into her lap instead of stuffing it beneath her.  Her butt landed on something hard.  She moved back off of it and felt around in the pockets until she found the source.  A knife... just like -- "Joel!" she exclaimed.  "He has my switchblade!"

"Oh he does, does he?"  Joel towered over the man on the ground.  He was facing Ellie's direction, so she could see Joel's face but not Tony's.  Joel squatted.  "Your memory startin' to get any better, you piece of shit?  Can you think of anythin' you mighta done that you deserve to die for?  Think back to last summer."

"Dude... I can't think... too much pain... please..." 

It was pretty fucking satisfying to hear him plead for mercy that Ellie knew wouldn't be granted.  If she didn't know better, she would swear this was a completely different man than the brutish shithead she'd met five months ago.

"Good.  It's only jus' beginnin'.  Though if you help me out, I might go a little easier on you."

 _Go a little easier?!_   That had to be a lie.  Ellie settled herself on the coat, clutching the precious blade, her eyes moist with happy tears at having been reunited with it... with the missing piece of her mother.  Little by little, the broken things were starting to unbreak.  Again, she felt like she was in a dream.  But she was awake this time, her eyes on Joel... fascinated by his twisted glee.  Fucked up as it was, she was glad to see him looking so happy.

"I'll help!" Tony whimpered.  "What -- ever it is -- I'll help!"

"Since your memory ain't so good, I'll remind you," Joel said, sounding downright conversational again.  "Maybe you do this so often that one time jus' blends right into the next.  A few months back, you an' a friend of yours were passin' through here in the middle of the night, an' you came across a couple of kids in these woods.  You remember that?"

"I don't -- know what you're -- talking about --"

"You shot one of 'em," Joel continued.  "A boy.  He died.  The girl... you let her live.  That's about the only thing you did right that night."

"He didn't want to!" Ellie called out to him.  "He told the other guy to shoot me."

"Ah -- there, now I see it on your ugly face.  You _do_ remember.  You thought your buddy killed her?  Guess he's not quite as much of an asshole as you.  Still an asshole, though -- now tell me where he is."

"He's dead!  That's -- my brother -- he died -- little while back --"

 _Brother?_  Aside from their beards, Ellie didn't think they much resembled one another -- and beard shape was hardly a family trait.  Maybe they were another pseudo-family, or only half-brothers, or just happened to take after opposite sides of the family.  It really didn't matter what their relationship was anyway.  _Soon this brother will be dead, too..._

"He's dead?  You sure that's what you wanna be tellin' me?"  Joel waggled the hammer over one of Tony's kneecaps.  The movement reminded Ellie of her wrist exercises, and she actually felt like laughing, for some reason.  Laughing, of all things!

"It's true -- I swear!"

The hammer came down with so much force that Ellie cringed, laughter forgotten.  She covered her ears to block out the scream of agony -- a scream she should want to hear, for fuck's sake, given who the screamer was.  It wasn't the first time he'd cried out, but she'd been sort of fuzzing it out earlier.  _Don't go away, Ellie, stay present... in the moment... savor it, just like Joel is..._

Joel was somehow present in two realities at once.  He must have noticed her reaction, because he came over and knelt in front of her.  "Ellie, you don' gotta watch this--"

"No!  I want to!  Really!  I'm sorry."

It was strange how Joel's smile could be so evil one moment and then so adoring the next.  "Don' be sorry.  I jus' wanna make sure you're all right."

"Don't worry about me.  Don't let me... distract you, or whatever."  _His eyes... they're all dark and crazy-like..._ they didn't correlate with the gentleness in his bloodied fingers as they touched her shoulder, her cheek, her hand...

Joel snorted.  "It's all right if I'm distracted.  He'll jus' suffer a little while longer.  That was his other leg -- the one without a broken ankle on the end of it -- so now he _really_ ain't goin' nowhere."

Tony did manage to roll onto his stomach somehow, and raise himself onto his forearms.  "I'm... sorry!  Please... tell your dad... to stop..." he beseeched Ellie.

Joel started to respond, but she gestured for him not to.  Ellie met her attacker's gaze; she wasn't afraid of him now.  "Hmm.  Let me think about that.  Did you stop when _I_ begged you to?  No, you didn't.  So no, I don't think I’ll tell him that.  Even if I did, I don't think he'd listen to me.  He's having too much fun."

Tony tried to crawl towards her on his forearms, dragging his useless lower half.  It was a pathetic attempt at best.  "Please... I got a family... a daughter..."

Joel strode over to Tony and kicked him back over onto his back.  "Bullshit.  If that was true you wouldn'ta hurt mine the way you did.  Hell, even if you do have a daughter, she'd be better off without you.  I'm doin' the world a favor here.  Now tell me where the fuck your brother is, if you value that other kneecap of yours." 

Joel's interrogation went on for a while.  Ellie suspected that Tony might actually have been telling the truth about Pete being dead; no douchebag was _that_ loyal.  Or maybe he realized Joel was going to torture him no matter what he said.  Joel was careful not to make him bleed any more than he already had, for fear of him passing out before the party was over.  Ellie knew this because Joel told Tony as much.  She wondered how much thought he'd put into what he would do in this moment.  Maybe while Ellie had been fantasizing about killing herself, he'd been fantasizing about _this_.  The pros and cons of this way versus that way... all the methods he wanted to use.  He must have had _some_ sort of mental script to follow, one that provided him with the restraint he needed to keep the man alive.

Tony tried to feign unconsciousness at one point, but he couldn't control his ragged breathing, nor could he keep from crying out in pain when Joel hurt him.  Joel was also careful not to do anything to the guy's crotch, yet -- same fear, that he might pass out -- but he took great pleasure in making Tony _think_ he might be about to hurt his manhood, and Ellie couldn't imagine that Joel would actually plan to leave that particular region of his body intact.

In fact, Joel took great pleasure in laying out all kinds of scenarios for his victim, even some implausible ones.  He lamented that it wasn't summertime, because he wanted to borrow Ellie's honey to slather on Tony's naked body, turning him into ant food.  He talked about building a fire to burn various body parts... or maybe to chop them off, roast them in front of him, then ram them down his throat.  He wanted to tie him to a tree somewhere no one would find him and let nature deal the final blow -- hopefully via a wild animal, but starvation or frostbite would suffice.  Ellie couldn't hear some of the shit he said because he lowered his voice to practically a whisper.  That was fine; if it was even worse than the horrific things she'd already heard, she was pretty sure she didn't need to know.

After talking for a while, Joel would pause to follow up with some kind of physical blow.  She wondered which was worse, the physical pain or the mental.  _The anticipation of more pain... that would be agonizing._ She tried not to remember when she'd experienced that herself; she just wanted to focus on Joel's revenge.She got the feeling he wasn't coming up with all of it on the fly, either.  Maybe this wasn't the first time he'd tortured someone this way?  But again, she could imagine him nursing his anger by inventing these fantasies, probably all the way back to the beginning, right after it happened… the thoughts comforting him in the same fucked up way Ellie's dark thoughts comforted her.

She actually grew tired of listening and watching, and she looked away, confusing thoughts and emotions warring in her head.  Joel returned to check on her a few times, and again, the incongruity of him going from mercilessly torturing a man, cruel and angry and brutal as could be, to speaking gently to her, lovingly, holding her hand... it was fucking bizarre.  She kept assuring Joel she was fine, that he could carry on and do whatever he wanted to the asshole.  _If I wasn't here to keep him somewhat grounded, what would he do?_

She had to admit, it was pretty funny when Joel announced he had to take a leak (pondering 'hmm, where should I do that') -- right on Tony's face.  She definitely looked away for that part (and Joel turned his back to her anyway).  She wondered with amusement if he might do more than _piss_ on his face, had she not been there.  And she tried not to think about how much _she_ had to pee now.  The thought of asking Joel for a turn to relieve herself on Tony almost made her giggle; she would be too embarrassed to actually do it anyway.  _This is getting really absurd!_

She figured the end was near when Joel borrowed her knife; if he was going to start making the man bleed, he'd be losing consciousness soon.  Tony had pretty much checked out by this point, making an odd, hissing sort of noise (which Ellie assumed was some kind of attempt to withstand pain), but no longer speaking.  He'd stopped trying to get away from Joel, accepting his fate.  _Just like I did... when I should have kept fighting anyway, because YOU NEVER KNOW..._ she'd learned that lesson multiple times.  Shock could be a powerful immobilizer.  It wasn't just that, though... _I could feel it in my gut, that I was about to die and there was no use fighting it.  My gut was just... WRONG._

In Tony’s case… yeah, he was gonna die, no doubt about it.  She couldn’t think of any reason why he shouldn’t give up.

Ellie went to stand next to Joel and survey the damage:  it was not a pretty sight.  Tony's limbs were splayed at awkward angles, his face was bruised and bloody and swollen, tongue lolling out of his mouth.  His eyes were glazed over, his expression dazed and... dead-looking. _Is that what I look like when I 'check out'?_ she wondered. 

Joel put his arm around her shoulders.  "You don' have to look."

But she did.  She had to see it.  And if this image of him, disturbing though it was, replaced the last one of him in her head, that would be a bonus.

"It's a shame he has to die so fast," Joel said with a sigh.  "You suffered for months... you'll have scars the rest of your life.  Invisible ones, at least.  This motherfucker only has to suffer a short while.  If I could take him prisoner, let him heal up a little for another go... he could endure the pain over an' over..."

"Joel, _no_.  Don't even think it."  She could see the wheels turning in his brain.  "This is the end of it.  You're not... someone who does shit like that."

Joel snorted.  "Guess what.  I _am_.  I jus' did.  An' I ain't done yet.  He's still got fingernails... eyeballs... eye _lids_ , even... a dick... balls..."

Ellie turned and put her hands on his shoulders, just like he did with her sometimes to get her full attention.  "Joel -- hey.  Look at me.  I want this to be over.  I don't want you to like... keep fucking with him just for fun.  You broke him, now you'll kill him, and that's good enough.  It's more justice than we ever thought we'd get, right?"

She watched his expression soften as she spoke to him... but it hardened right back into fury the second he looked back down at Tony.  "He deserves so much worse, Ellie."

"Well, he can rot in hell then.  You know that thing called karma?"  The one part of Buddhism Ellie did like to believe in.  "If you're doing it for me, then... you can _stop_ doing it for me, too."

"Doin' for you is the same as doin' for me.  This ain't on you, if that's what you're thinkin'...  you don' actually feel _bad_ for this piece of shit, do you?"

Ellie looked down at the shattered man before them.  _Talk about subhuman... he's uglier than a Runner now.  And probably has less brain power than one, too._   She wondered how close he was to passing out.  "I feel sorry for him right now, yes."

 _"WHY?!"_ Joel exclaimed, aghast.

"Because you just beat the crap out of him and... and now he's gonna die, but I still go on living.  I'm... alive."  It was such a basic concept, an irrefutable truth, but how many times had she told herself, and truly believed, that her life was over?  _I'm alive._   She felt a strange surge of excitement, bordering on giddiness, at the thought.  This abomination of a man was about to die, to become nothing, to cease to exist -- and Ellie wouldn't be surprised if there was no one in his life to feel the loss, maybe even no one who had any memories of him at all.  It would be kind of like he'd never existed.  _But me?  I have lots of people I care about, who care about me in return._ People who would miss her if she were gone.  "Don't you think I got the better end of the deal there?  Getting to _live?"_ she said to Joel, trying to convey the depth behind the simple words in that unspoken language they shared.

Or _used_ to share.  Joel scowled and finally shrugged off her hands, oblivious to her little epiphany type thing there; it seemed he'd had enough of being gentled.  "Go back over there an' don' watch.  I'll jus' be five more minutes with the knife."

She didn't feel like they were 'in tune' with each other now.  He'd gone overboard, and wanted to continue going overboard -- he was only humoring her in agreeing to stop.  _But it should come to a natural stop when Tony loses consciousness... right?_   If it didn't, then surely it would when he died, and that couldn't take too much longer.  "Five minutes.  You swear?"

"Unless... do you wanna do the honors?  The final... ?"

Ellie shook her head.  "No.  I thought about that when you... I thought maybe I would, but... I don't wanna have to tell my child someday that I killed the person who might be her father.  Or even helped kill.  I mean... I'm here and everything, but... it's just... _different_ if I actually..."  She glanced at the asshole's face, curious to see if he perked up at all upon hearing the revelation that she might be carrying his child -- not even a flicker of surprise, let alone anything else.  Maybe he was too far gone to comprehend.

Joel nodded.  "All right then.  I sure as hell got no problem ownin' it.  But don' watch.  I know you've seen me kill plenty of infected an' soldiers... you've killed plenty yourself.  You've known more violence than... than anyone should have to in a whole lifetime.  But... this won' be like all those other times.  This is personal."

She flashed back to David for a moment.  "I know... I know what that's like.  There's only one thing I want to do to him."  With that, she leaned over a little to spit on Tony's face, noting with satisfaction that it made him squeeze his eyes shut and twitch his nose.  _Not ALL the way gone, then..._

Joel laughed.  "That's it?  That's all you want?"

"Yep.  You'll enjoy it more, so go ahead.  Do what you have to do.  Five minutes," she reminded him.  "I'll... go over there and keep a look out."  Although no one in their right mind would dare come near Joel right now.

She would be sick if she watched the worst of it, she knew.  Instead, she turned her back, and started singing a Tori song to herself, trying to drown out the karmic sounds of a monster's gruesome death.

 

* * *

 

Even though Joel was the one covered in blood, he sent Ellie into the bathroom first -- which was a good thing, because she might have peed her pants otherwise (she hadn't wanted to go when they were Outside).  She washed up a little as well, but was in too much of a hurry to return to Joel to bother with taking a real bath or shower.  Not in a hurry for her own sake so much as Joel's.  She was oddly... un-freaked-out, and somewhat numb about it all.

Joel still seemed pissed off, like somehow after everything he'd done to the scumbag, he _still_ hadn't gotten it out of his system. 

He hadn't decided what to do with the body.  He said he couldn't just leave it there indefinitely for someone to stumble upon, and he felt it would be beyond rude to tell a guard and just let them deal with it.  If he'd just shot the man to death, it'd be one thing, but... the body was not at all in good shape, to say the least -- he had cautioned Ellie not to take a last look.  Which made her really curious, naturally, but she trusted that he knew best.  Joel didn't want Tommy to have to deal with it either, but he wanted Tommy to know about it, so he asked the gate guard to radio Tommy and send him to Joel's house as soon as he could get there.  They'd made it home without having to bustle by too many townspeople, answering their questions with 'not now;' everyone would hear about what had happened soon enough.

"He should still be sufferin'."  Joel was pacing the floor like a caged beast when she came back to the main room. 

Ellie didn't know why he was so restless.  _He should be worn out after all that exertion._ "He's dead.  He's... nothing.  I'm glad.  Aren't you?"

"It ain't enough," Joel growled.

"Yes it is!  It's over.  You can let it go now.  You can... take a shower and get into some clothes that aren't all bloody?" she suggested.

"Not yet."

"Why not?  You're not going back out there, are you?  You can't."

"When Tommy gets here."

"No!"  She tried to get him to stop pacing by planting herself in front of him; that only served to make him change course.  "Let Tommy handle it.  Doesn't he have people who do... whatever, with dead bodies?"

"Yeah.  I'm one of 'em, remember?"

"Not this time!  Or I'm coming with you, and I'd rather not ever see that guy again."  _Maybe a guilt trip will work?_

"Tommy will stay here with you."

"I don't need a babysitter!"

"Then he an' I will go, an' you don' have to come."

"You're too upset.  I'm staying with you," Ellie insisted stubbornly.

There was a knock on the door, then Tommy burst in, panting.  "What's wrong?"

"You got here fast!"  Ellie rushed over to hug him.

"I wasn' all that far away, an' they told me it was ASAP."  He hugged her back and caught sight of Joel, still pacing, over her shoulder.  "Joel, what the fuck -- you're hurt!"  He let go of Ellie and looked Joel over appraisingly.  "What happened?  Why didn' you go to the clinic 'stead of comin' here?"

"The blood ain't mine."  He ceased pacing to give Tommy the abridged version of what happened, sparing him the gory details of the torture.

When he was finished, Tommy turned to Ellie.  "Are _you_ all right?"

"I'm fine -- or I will be if you make Joel stay here while you or... whoever, gets rid of the body.  He's still all... agitated."

"I don' generally make others clean up my messes," Joel protested.  "'Least not when I'm livin' somewhere civilized.  Bastard should be left out there to rot.  Jus' not sure where.  Somewhere inconspicuous enough that no one'll find him.  Never imagined the dumb fuck would show up _here_."

"He thought I was dead, that no one here would know what he did," Ellie reminded him.  _...wait, now I'm DEFENDING the asshole?_   No, she was just explaining, she decided.

Tommy looked at Joel for a long moment.  "You stay here with Ellie.  I'll take care of it."

"I'm goin' with you," said Joel.

"If you're going, _I'm_ going," Ellie declared again.

"Neither of you is comin'," said Tommy with finality.  _"I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT."_

"What're you gonna do?" Joel asked -- in a tone that said he already knew he wouldn't like it.

"Don' know yet, but I'll take someone out there with me -- Houser, maybe -- an' we'll figure it out."

Joel scowled.  "He don' deserve to be buried, Tommy."

"Did I say we'd bury him?" Tommy said mildly.

"No, but I know you.  He don' deserve to be burned, either.  He should be left out somewhere to rot," he said again, scowling.

Ellie thought about what Tommy would have done if he'd been the one out there with her.  He would have killed him too, she was pretty sure -- he wasn't _that_ much of a saint.  After confirming the guy’s identity a little more solidly, so he probably would have 'interviewed' him first to give her a better look at him.  But then he would have just shot him and been done with it, taking no pleasure in the act.  And if she'd been alone?  _I would've shot him the second I recognized him._   _I'm glad it was Joel who got to kill him... glad the bastard had to suffer._ If Tommy's way was right and Joel's was wrong, she definitely skewed toward the wrong.  But it was over now, and she wanted Joel to forget about it.

"Don' worry about what we do," Tommy was saying.  "You did your part."

Joel looked affronted.  "Don't you judge me, baby brother!  He had it comin', he deserved far--"

"He wasn't judging you!  He's trying to help!"  Ellie jumped in, wishing Tommy had sounded a little less patronizing.  She loved seeing Joel and Tommy tease each other, but hated seeing them fight for real.  Joel always told her to stay out of it and let them work things out their own way; she just had a hard time keeping her mouth shut at times.

"'Course he is.  He's the _good_ brother.  You takin' his side?  The two of you can jus' stay here an' have a nice little heart-to-heart while I go dispose of the trash."  He strode for the door.

Tommy sighed.  "Joel, come on, now--"

"Joel -- wait!"  Ellie rushed after him and grabbed his arm, tugging on it to make him face her.  "There's no 'sides.'  Or... if there is, we're all on the same one.  Don't go.  I want to talk to _you_."

Joel looked surprised.  "Me," he said, as if she hadn't spoken plainly enough.

"Uh-huh."  _He shouldn't be THAT surprised..._ they'd gotten a lot closer lately.  More like how they used to be.  Joel had gotten control of his anger -- but now she was afraid he was regressing on that front.  She wasn't even sure she felt like talking.  All she knew was that she wanted to be with him until he stopped acting like an animal, and she had to hook him somehow.  "You were the one who was there.  And, um... I just... need you to stay here, where you're safe."

"Where _I'M_ safe?" He jerked out of her grasp, but at least he made no further move to leave.

She nodded.  The 'need' had worked for her before... "You're so, like... wound up... I'm kinda scared for you."

Now he looked bewildered.  "Scared of me?  That's--"

"Scared _for_ you," she corrected him.  _Pfff, like I'd ever be afraid of him!_   "Don't leave.  Please?" she begged him with her eyes as much as her words.  She wanted to hug him, to all but force him to put his arms around her and remember the emotions his anger was displacing right now.  But somehow, she didn't dare.  She was probably making a bigger deal out of it than she should have.  It was just really fucking important to her that he stay.

Some of his anger deflated anyway, just from looking at her, listening to her... He sighed.  "I don' know what you think would happen out there, but... if it'll make you feel better, I'll stay."

She smiled gratefully.  _"Thank you."_

He still hadn't done it without some persuasion on her part, but when presented with a choice between indulging Ellie or indulging his anger, Joel had chosen her.  That made her feel pretty fucking good -- even better than she would have felt watching that bastard die a thousand times.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is sort of like the last one (because C17 is only an epilogue), and it's a beast... it's the longest chapter, and might take me a little more time than usual to post, but not too much longer.


	16. Castles in the Air

_"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."_

~Oscar Wilde

 

* * *

 

Washing the asshole's blood and guts off of him seemed to have helped Joel calm down... like he was washing his hands of the whole affair once and for all.  He sat next to Ellie on the couch, all fresh and squeaky-clean.

"Feel better?" she asked him.

"I wasn't feelin' _bad_."

"Well... okay.  Feel less angry?" she amended.

"I s'pose.  I don' know.  This ain't about me, though."  He gave her a small smile.  "Sorry I scared you."

"You didn't _scare_ me, exactly..."

"Why were you so afraid for me to leave?  Did you think I wouldn' come back?"

"Not really..." She shrugged.  _Maybe..._

"Even though I already killed the guy."

Killing the guy hadn't killed his anger like she'd expected, though.  "You killed _one_ of them.  The other one's dead, if Tony was telling the truth... but we'll probably never know for sure.  Can you live with that?"

"Why are we talkin' about me?  Can _you_ live with it?  You're the one that... that this happened to."

"It happened to both of us," Ellie said quietly.  "Tommy told me that before, but... I don't think I even realized how true it is until today."

"I'm not the one who had to go through it," Joel argued.

She shook her head.  "You _did_ go through it.  I was thinking about this while you were in the shower.  You know why I think you're still angry?"

"'Cause I didn' get to dole out all the justice I wanted to?"  He was calm, but Ellie still heard anger in his words.  Would it always be there?

"I think it's more than that."

"'Cause one of the motherfuckers is possibly still alive?" he ventured.

"More than that."  She chewed her lip a moment, wondering if her thoughts would agitate him further.  "I think... you somehow thought that if you could punish the guy, you'd be like... undoing what he did to me?  And it didn't work."

Joel snorted.  "That ain't it.  It's impossible to 'undo' what happened.  I know that."

"Logically, yes, but emotions don't always follow logic."  Ellie believed Nana's words, although they did sound a bit strange tumbling out of her own mouth.

Joel didn't seem to notice if it was odd.  "Forget _me_.  How are _you_ doin' with all this?"

 _He doesn't want to talk about that, so he deflects it back to me._ Ellie knew that trick well. "I'm good -- he's dead, that's all that matters.  I don't think it's really sunk in yet."

"'Cause you're tryin' to figure me out instead of yourself."  He ruffled her hair.  "You were obviously real affected seein' him again.  Panicky-like."

Was she doing the same thing as Joel -- worrying about him to avoid dealing with her own shit?  Ellie chuckled sadly.  "Yeah, at first, I guess.  You know what the really scary thing is?  He was acting all nice, like he just wanted to be part of a community and help out, like a... a normal person... What if someone else had been out there?  Instead of us, I mean.  And they fell for it and thought he was nice and... brought him inside here..."

Joel shook his head.  "Wouldn'ta happened.  You know they don' jus' let strangers wander around town.  He'd be quarantined an' questioned.  _If_ they even brought him in at all.  We don' owe survivors nothin', jus' 'cause we got a good thing goin' here.  Families... women, children... they're less threatenin', an' they're not given a free pass.  But a man, or a group of men?  Harder to trust.  If Tommy or Maria or Eddie didn' get a bad vibe off him, I would have, an' they do listen to me on that shit."

From the confident way he said it, Ellie had to wonder if that had happened before.  She'd never heard about it, but it struck her as the kind of info Joel would feel didn't need to be passed on to her.  Sometimes his overprotectiveness could be annoying.  She frowned.  "But there's nice guys out there, too, right?  Trustworthy guys?  He was _acting_ nice.  You said it yourself, that assholes can act nice."  -A lifetime ago, when he'd actually been worried that _Bailey_ might hurt her.

"Don' matter.  My gut can tell fake from real."

"Then why didn't you trust Bailey right away?"  It slipped out before she remembered she didn't really want to talk about Bailey.  But if her gut could be wrong sometimes, didn't that mean Joel's could be too?

"That was different.  He was..." Joel's frown was the one he wore when he was trying to find the right words, and failing.  "It ain't so much that I didn' trust him..."

Ellie snorted.  "You didn't.  I remember."

He thought about it a little more before answering.  "My gut never told me he was bad news.  It wasn' so much about him as much as... I don' know.  It was the dad thing, then.  I know that's kind of vague, you not bein' a dad an' all, but it's... all I know is, if you'd come to me an' said that that motherfucker I jus' killed was your boyfriend..." Joel shuddered at the thought.  "I would've killed him."

"Like a teenage version of him?  Even if you didn't know anything about him."  Not that Ellie could even imagine that creep being _anyone's_ boyfriend.

"I'd know enough.  My gut would know," Joel insisted.

Ellie sighed.  "He probably wasn't lying about wanting shelter.  It's cold, and maybe he's been alone since Pete died, _if_ he died... maybe he wasn't even thinking about doing bad things in here.  He just wanted food and warmth and security.  Like anyone else.  You know?"

She'd expected another outburst about what an animal the guy was, but Joel surprised her with an answer that indicated he'd heard her and saw her point.  "Maybe he did want those things.  Ain't like assholes do nothin' but asshole things twenty-four/seven.  They feel the cold, same as us.  They get hungry.  That don' make him any less of a piece of shit, though.  It don' mean he _deserves_... what we have here.  The comforts of a real home."  Joel put his arm around her and pulled her close.  "He's gone now, you don' have to worry about it."

Ellie leaned against him, secretly thrilled that he'd initiated the contact, that his anger really was in check now -- and that he seemed to know she wouldn't refuse the comfort.  She wasn't trying to appeal to his protective feelings to manipulate him, though; her concerns were real.  "What if his brother comes looking for him?  Maybe... maybe Tony told him he'd come check this place out and let him know what it's like, and then when he takes too long..."

"Let him come," Joel said -- rather cheerfully.  "I could introduce him to some of the ideas in my head that I didn' get to do to this one.  An' do better at makin' sure he don' pass out so fast."

Ellie thought he'd done an amazing job in that regard, but apparently the fucker had passed out less than thirty seconds into his 'five minutes of knife time' at the end, much to Joel’s chagrin.  "Okay, but... it's not just him.  There's other guys out there like that.  Right?  _Lots_ of them.  Anyone could decide to play nice and try to fool people.  Maybe some of them already have."  She bit her lip.

"I may not be friendly with a lot of people in this town, an' maybe I..." Joel let that trail off, and Ellie got the feeling he'd almost said something he would rather she didn't know. He squeezed her shoulder.  "Nevermind.  If there were people like that in here, you think I'd let any of 'em near you?"

She wanted him to finish what he'd been about to say, but she knew that he wouldn't.  "You're not with me all the time..."

"You're safe here.  Safe as can be, the way the world is now.  Is it a hundred percent safe?  No.  No place is -- that was true even in the old world, but it's much more hostile now, ain't gonna lie.  That's why you always carry a gun, an' be aware of your surroundings."

She felt the tears welling up.  This time she wasn't going to try too hard to stifle them; she realized now that she needed to talk to Joel about this shit -- to clear the air, if nothing else -- and tears came with the territory.  "How can you not be... _so_ mad at me, for what I... God, I was so stupid."  Her voice trembled a little.

"You made a mistake," Joel said quietly, his own voice affected by the change in hers.  "Yeah, I was mad, for a while.  But that's all it was.  A _mistake_.  God knows I've made plenty o' those myself." 

"Uh, it was a little... more than..." She couldn't seem to make her voice sound normal now.

"A _big_ mistake, maybe, but still jus' a mistake... an' the punishment didn' fit the... aww, baby girl, don' cry..."

"Sorry."  She turned her head and tried to compose herself.  _Maybe we SHOULDN'T talk about this..._

"No, I mean... you can cry, I jus' wish you didn' feel like doin' it.  C'mere."  He shifted a little and folded her into his arms, stroking her hair as she sniffled.  "It's okay..."

" _Nothing's_ okay," she moaned.  And then she began to sob helplessly into his flannel shirt, trying to muffle it at first, but the more Joel soothed her, the more tears streamed into the cloth.  She just cried and cried, and he just let her.  Hiccuping, gasping, snot-riddled sobs.  Eventually, they petered out, but she remained in his arms, her face still buried, a headache starting to form behind her eyes.

"You're okay," Joel kept whispering to her, reminding her of the internal chanting she did during a panic attack.  "You're okay..."

"I'm okay," she responded finally -- when she was, more or less.  She felt embarrassed, even a little ashamed.  "Thank you.  Um, sorry..."

He shushed her apology.  "Thank _you_ for... lettin' me help.  Lettin' me in.  Ellie, I... I _hate_ that this happened to you."  She heard the tears in his voice.  Joel never cried... but he was crying.  Or quasi-crying, at least.  "I can't even describe how the... the thought of... I hate that I couldn't stop— couldn’t prevent it."

Ellie chuckled sadly.  "I know you could've if you'd been there.  You were asleep, what were you supposed to do?"  Although if anyone could sleep-kill a man, it would be Joel.

"I shoulda stopped you from leavin'."

"How could you do that?  You were _asleep,_ " she repeated.  _So Tommy's theory was right:  he blames himself._

"I shoulda woke up.  Shoulda heard you.  But it ain't even that, it's... I let you... I wanted..."  He sighed, and paused a moment to find the words.  "When you were amused by those kids who snuck out and got caught... do you remember that?"

"I remember.  The idiots who found a way Out but didn't think about how they'd get back In."  She remembered how she'd casually laughed about it at dinner, giddy with feelings of... superiority, or something.  Smugly thinking that _she_ would never be that stupid.  _No, I was only a thousand times MORE stupid!_

"Right.  We could've talked about it then.  The thought even crossed my mind.  But I didn'.  'Cause you were in a good mood that day... happy... I told myself you would never do anythin' like that anyway.  You didn' think they were idiots for sneakin' out, though -- jus' for not thinkin' the whole thing through.  Is that right?"

Ellie raised her head, dumbfounded.  "Are you seriously blaming yourself for _that?"_

"Not jus' that -- everythin' that goes along with it.  I was so busy tryin' to give you a normal childhood that I let you forget the bad shit.  I liked seein' you... becomin' the person you are… or _were_.  Not always lookin' over your shoulder, expectin' bad shit to happen at every turn.  Lettin' your guard down some.  But I let you get too complacent.  It was selfish an' lazy of me.  A good parent would--"

"Whoa whoa whoa," she had to interrupt him.  This was _beyond_ absurd.  "Joel, you didn't 'let me' do anything.  You always reminded me to carry a gun -- even just around town -- don't you remember?!  And you _did_ lecture me sometimes.  You think because you weren't on my ass about it every second of the day that it's your fault?"

"Partially, yes.  But it ain't so much about blame... it's about how I could've done things different so it would never’ve happened."

 _Just like Marcus._   "The 'if only' game, right?  I play it, too.  And my 'if's are... way more, like... _legit_ , than anyone else's.  I have to live with that forever."  She laid her head back down on his chest, against the patch of shirt drenched by her sobs.

His fingers rethreaded her hair.  "You've beat yourself up enough, kiddo.  It don' do anyone any good, all the 'what if's... we both jus' have to accept it an' move on."

"We both," she repeated.  "You have to do it, too."

"That's right.  We can help each other out.  Remind each other what's done is done."

"It is what it is," Ellie recited the dumb saying that he liked, smirking.

"That it is."

"Okay, but--"

"No 'but's.  No matter how much we wish things were different, they're jus'... not.  That's reality."

"I wish you _had_ heard me that night," Ellie lamented anyway, feeling a little weepy again.  She knew Joel was right; she just couldn't dismiss her own 'but's so easily.  "I wish you'd gotten up and yelled at me and... I would've been all mad about not getting to go... Bailey would be alive, and you'd yell at him too... God, I _wish_ that's what happened.  _But_ \-- I was really careful not to disturb you, Joel.  Too fucking careful.  I remembered how you caught me when I snuck out the front door that one time.  There was nothing you could've done, believe me."

He squeezed her tighter, and Ellie sensed that he was now trying to hold back actual sobs in earnest.  "You can cry, too," she encouraged him softly.  "I got you."

He choked out a little chuckle.  "I don' cry."  But he did sniffle.

"It's okay.  I won't judge you or anything.  I'm not even watching you.  And I won't tell anyone, I promise."

She truly wasn't even trying to be funny -- she meant every word, and she _wanted_ him to trust her enough to cry with her -- but Joel seemed to be amused nonetheless, and not inclined to sob with abandon the way she just had.  He kissed the top of her head.  "Awfully nice of you, but I think I'll pass."  He turned and leaned back against the arm of the couch, stretching out his legs, settling her in the crook of his arm.  She was a bit squished between him and the back of the couch, but she liked it that way.  It reminded her of being in the hammock with him last summer.  They hadn't been anywhere close to that comfortable with each other lately.  It felt... sort of amazing, actually.  Enough to make her start to feel guilty, because she shouldn't feel anything more than just 'okay.'

She wasn't going to dwell on it now, though.  "Joel... what was the thing that made you come back?  You never did tell me."  Not for lack of asking on her part.  He always said he'd tell her 'later.'

"It's... sad."  He resumed petting her hair.

"Tell me.  Please?  I already cried out all my tears, so..."

"All right.  Now's as good a time as any.  Well... you know why I left.  It wasn' you.  I wanted to come back every day I was gone.  I really did.  I thought about you all the time.  But I also thought about what I wanted to do to the assholes.  _That_ , I could maybe do somethin' about.  I didn' know how to help you any other way."

"I wasn't better off with you gone, if that's what you're thinking," Ellie reminded him.  "I told you that."

He wasn't so easily convinced.  "I know you think so.  I don' know.  Tommy told me a little bit of... what it was like for you."

"Yeah..."  Ellie wanted to get something off her chest now -- she had a feeling it might help Joel somehow.  "I have to admit, part of me was glad you weren't around to see me all, like... fucked up, basically.  And I didn't even have to think about protecting you from me with you not there."

"Protecting me... what?  Why would you--"

As she'd suspected, he hadn't realized what she was doing.  She hadn't realized it for a while herself.  "From the inside of my head.  The darkness.  It was easy to protect everyone else from it, but you... you were too close to me... you wanted more from me, or something.  I didn't want to... um..." _I didn't want you to leave me, so instead, I pushed you away?_  That didn't make any sense!

Maybe it was absurd in terms of her own survival, but in stories, they said that when you really love someone, you put their needs before your own.  She instinctively hadn't wanted to drag Joel into her private hell, to hurt him more than she already had.  Maybe that's why she'd felt so unloved when Joel couldn't put _her_ first... but what if he was simply trying to protect her from _his_ private hell?  Clearly, it was more complicated than the stories suggested.  And stories weren't always based on reality, anyway, so how was she supposed to know what was real and what wasn't?  It wasn't like she had much personal experience to draw on for insight. 

She realized Joel was patiently waiting for her to formulate what she was trying to say.  "I can't explain it," she said instead, dismissing the confusing thoughts.  Because she had to think about them some more first -- and besides, she didn't want to completely derail Joel from the story she'd been waiting so long to hear.  "But we were talking about you... why you came back.  So what happened?"

Joel didn't try to puzzle out what she'd been trying to say, at least.  "You didn' need to 'protect me' from anythin'.  I know you were in a dark place.  I was, too.  For a long time.  The anger... it was like... a fire that kept burnin' an' burnin', an' wouldn' go out no matter what anyone tried to fight it with.  Even when I was with you.  Maybe _especially_ with you.  It wasn' _you_ , though, it was..."

"I know," Ellie saved him from having to try to explain it any further.  "I get it.  I got that before you left.  I mean, it was kinda obvious, the way you looked at me.  Must've been hard for you to look at me and keep thinking about how... well..." She ended that sentence with a vague wave of her hand, meant to encapsulate all the bad.

"I'm sorry."

"No!  No, it's okay, you couldn't help it.  I wasn't mad at you, you know."  It was true; she'd never really been angry at him for that.  For being _real_ with her.  And she was sure she'd been far angrier with herself than Joel had been with her.  She was still angry with herself.  Didn't know how _not_ to be, even as they took baby steps towards putting it all behind them.

"An' I wasn' so much mad at you, of course, it was them... the whole situation... the _world_ , even.  Maybe I coulda tried harder to see past all the..." Joel cleared his throat.  "Anyway.  So this fire, it keeps burnin', right?  Eventually, it seemed to be burnin' a little less bright.  I didn' like that.  Didn' like when there was room for... other shit.  I _wanted_ to be angry all the time."

"Me too!" Ellie couldn't resist butting in.  She was impressed that Joel even recognized what was going on with him, emotionally.  _I guess he did have a lot of time to think out there... ?_  "Except I wanted to stay angry at _you_.  For leaving."

Joel chuckled.  "I don' blame you for that.  So you... kept stokin' the fire too?"

"Yeah.  Even after you came back.  But you were too nice to me, so it didn't last very long.  I mean, look at us now.  We're talking again. _Really_ talking." 

"Right."  He squeezed her.  "So, I was still angry, but I was also gettin' more tired an' frustrated every day, an'... I wondered how you were gettin' on at home.  When I thought about you, it wasn' like... well, it was _this_ you, the old you.  Not--"

"Those aren't the same thing, you know," Ellie interjected.  "You didn't know 'this' me so I think you mean the old me."

"Fine -- the old you.  Whatever.  Can I jus' finish my story?" he teased.

"Okay okay, I'll shut up!  Tell me."

"Thank you.  So... I missed you.  An' I knew it wouldn' be the same, but... whatever it was that you were like -- this 'new' you?  I wanted to be... in your life.  So, I was leanin' more towards goin' home than goin' on lookin' for the bastards anyhow... an' then I happened upon this dead body.  Not so unusual Outside, right?  I wouldn'ta thought much of it, but it wasn' all decomposed yet... looked like it'd only been killed recently... an' I could see it was a little girl.  Younger than you.  So small, so... Way too young to be out there in bumfuck nowhere by herself.  Maybe the others in her party got infected or somethin', or maybe someone... well, God only knows.  But it... really got to me, more than usual.  An' I got to thinkin'... why in the hell am I out here by myself, on some damn fool's quest, instead of with _my_ little girl, makin' sure nothin' else bad happens to her?"

Ellie had thought her tears were all dried up... she was wrong.  She didn't even object to him referring to her as 'little' like she normally would have.  "I'm sorry, Joel.  And then you came back and I was a bitch to you." 

"Nah, you jus' didn' trust me.  I deserved it," he said graciously.  "You're bein' sweet now."

"I'm not sweet," she protested feebly.  _She_ knew she wasn't, but she liked it that Joel thought of her that way. 

It chilled her to think about what would have happened if any of her suicidal fantasies had come true.  For Joel to decide to come home like that only to find out that she... _I can never tell him about any of that, no matter how real we're being_.  Some things were best kept to oneself.  Joel had plenty of shit like that.  Mostly from before she knew him, but from their journey as well... she never did get the whole story about the Fireflies.  It was understood that he'd said all he was going to say on the matter, just like that day with the stolen meat.  And yet, also like that day, she couldn't resist asking one more time.  Testing his resolve, perhaps?  Trying to glean something from his terse replies?  But all she got was the sense that Joel wasn't going to tell her what she wanted to know… that he had so many skeletons in his closet, it didn't bother him one bit to cram some more in there.  And he guarded them so well.  Maybe someday he would trust her enough that she could drag them out one at a time... examine them, come to understand them, then help him get rid of them for good.

She wanted to tell him not to bother protecting her from himself.  More recently, she'd begun to wonder if that wasn't even it at all.  Maybe it was just that some things were _too fucking painful_ to share with another person, even someone who knew you well.  She couldn't imagine ever telling Joel in detail what had happened that night.  She wondered if Joel had ever known such abject shame, terror, helplessness... she doubted it, but sometimes he wore masks that even she couldn't see through.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the baby, who did tend to get more active when she was resting.  Perhaps he or she was protesting the squishy position she was currently enjoying.  "Oh!  Gimme your hand -- here --"  She positioned his hand, then craned her neck so she could see his expression.  "Now wait a second... or two... _there_ , did you feel that one?"  He _had_ to, even through her shirt.  She watched his face excitedly.

His eyes widened and he started to smile.  "I do, a little.  Holy shit."

She laughed.  "Yay, _finally_.  Only a little?  I feel it like, majorly.  Fuck, that's prob'ly gonna hurt in another month or so, huh.  He's getting strong.  Or she."

Joel regarded her curiously.  "A little while ago you referred to it as a 'she.'  How come?"

She laid her head back down on his chest, keeping her hand over his.  "Out there?  Because at the time, I was thinking of it as a girl.  I go back and forth.  I do kinda hope it's a girl, I think."

"Start that girl army of yours?" he teased.

 _He remembers that!_  Ellie laughed.  "Yeah... no.  Not like it even matters."

"As long as it's healthy, is what they always say."

"No, not that, I mean -- well, _yeah_ , that, too -- but if it's not even gonna be mine, then... what do I care, right?"  She tried to sound nonchalant... but she'd noticed that that was getting harder to do, that she did care more than she let on.  She'd have to work on that:  getting back to not caring.  Not just not caring, but being _glad_ to be rid of the thing.  She felt a pang of... _some_ thing, just at that thought -- a sadness that she hadn't felt when she'd been numb to the baby's existence.  _Fuck, this is gonna be harder than I thought..._

"Ellie... I been thinkin'... I know I said I was tryin' not to influence you an' all, but..."  He was speaking slowly, like his brain wasn't far enough ahead of the words he wanted to say.

"But?"  _Remind me why I shouldn't care about this kid_ , she urged him silently.

"I'm... not convinced you really don' want this baby."  He paused, perhaps waiting for her to protest.

"You're not?" she said lamely.

"No.  It's your decision.  You know that.  But I think..."  He was really laboring over these words.

"You think what?  Just tell me.  What do you think I should do?"

"What do I think you should do?  Well... I really think you should reconsider givin' it up for adoption.  I don' think you've sorted out all your feelings on that.  That's nothin' new... we've been tellin' you that over an' over.  You should think about it real hard, an' then..." He sighed.  "You should do what you decide is best, considerin'... everything.  I know that's a little vague, but... maybe I can help you figure out the specifics.  Whatever's on your mind."

Would she 'get over it' faster that way?  Instead of trying to go around it, plow right through it?  But Ellie sensed he was holding something back.  "Maybe that's not the right question.  Instead of what you think I should do... what do you _want_ me to do?  What do _you_ want.  If the choice was yours.  I never even asked you." _...because I already know?  …RIGHT?!_ She was starting to get a niggling feeling that maybe she was wrong.

"See, that's where... I don' know if it's right for me to say, 'cause I don' want you to decide based on that."  He sounded a bit sheepish, and she knew she was on the right track.

She snorted.  "Come on.  Since when do I just do whatever you want, without having my own opinion about it?"

"Ha!  Point taken.  But still."

"If I'm asking you what you want, then it's 'right' for you to answer me," she tried to persuade him.  Maybe he could sense her ambivalence, and he felt guilty.  Like he was all too eager to accept the adoption choice, and only asked her once in a while in a perfunctory way if she wanted to discuss other options ... all the while, secretly glad she was being so stubborn about it.  _Except why would he tell me all that stuff about Sarah then?  My mind was already made up like his!_

He remained quiet.  Maybe she could make it easier for him... "Joel, I'm finally ready to talk about it and now _you're_ not talking?  It's okay to tell me what you think.  I really want to know.  And... well, I already know you don't want me to keep it... so."  She bit her lip.  _There, I said it, it's out there, ice broken._ At least they weren't looking at each other; laying side by side the way they were, he couldn't see her expression.

He did seem a little relieved.  "Mm.  I had a feelin' you assumed that all along."

"Yeah.  You didn't have to say it.  I knew."  Murderous rages notwithstanding, they were generally more in tune with each other again, like before.  Picking up on things with no need for spoken words.  But hearing it... talking about it now... Ellie hadn't expected to feel so... so fucking _sad_ ; there really was no better word for it.  She started babbling to hide it.  "Yeah, so, really, you should have a say in it anyways, right?  You're involved cuz I'm living in your house.  I know you're not going to kick me out -- I mean, sure, I could just go stay with your family if you did, but then why even bring me home at all?  I could have just stayed there 'til the baby was born, and hand it over to whoever, _then_ come home, and you wouldn't have to deal with anything.  But you wanna help me, I know... which is cool.  My point is, it affects you, so--"

"Ellie--"

Joel tried to interrupt her but she just steamrolled over him -- if he was having any second thoughts himself, similar to hers, she had to squash them.  "--you have almost as much say as I do.  Almost, cuz it _is_ mine.  Ultimately my decision.  But I already made my decision and it's the same as yours so it all works out!  I'm not ready to be a mom and this baby is... just... It's better this way.  For everyone.  The baby, too.  We just have to figure out the details.  How much involvement to have, after... Dr. Choi has this pump thing so I won't have to... you know... yeah.  I could just hand it over to the parents as soon as I push it out, no need to--"

"Ellie!" he said, more forcefully this time.  "Ellie, stop.  I... I want you to keep it."

 _WHAT?!_ Except... part of her had known he was going to say that (unless her rambling made him lose his nerve -- why couldn't he have lost his nerve?!), and it scared the shit out of her.  She lifted her head up then and twisted around to face him.  "Bullshit you do."

"I'm dead serious," he said firmly.  "Keep it, an'... if you want... I'd raise it with you.  As if it were my own."

He _looked_ serious, but... "No.  No way.  How could you ever think of it as yours when you know... where it came from?  _Probably_ came from..."

"It's comin' from _you._ It's part of you," he pointed out; she did tend to forget that fact.

"Okay, but... still.  It would constantly remind you of that night.  It would remind _me_ of that night."  _Surely he won't want THAT_... How could he want the baby with _that_ as a side effect?

"I don' think so.  Jus' now, you were smilin' when it kicked you... you weren' thinkin' about... anythin' bad."

"So... that makes you feel like I should keep it?!  One tiny smile?"  She wasn't trying to mock him, but... she had to get him to see this was a horrible idea.

"Not so tiny.  I was thinkin' about it before, so not _just_ that," he said, defensive now.

"How long have you been thinking about it?!"  And how could she not have picked up on it before? _So much for being in sync._

"Uh... a month or so, maybe?  Since not long after I got back.  I really didn' wanna influence you, though.  It was your decision.   _Is_ your decision.  I'm jus'... puttin' it out there as an option."

"Not just an option -- the option you want me to pick."

"It's up to you.  It really is."

"But it's what you want."

Joel sighed.  "I don' want you to do it jus' 'cause it's what I want, like I said before.  That's why I've kept my mouth shut.  I'll support you in whatever you decide.  You know that, right?  I'm fine with you givin' it up for adoption.  But... yeah.  I'd like it if you kept the kid.  If you wanted it."

She sat up and rubbed her temples, irritated a little by the 'crying' headache.  "...I think my brain might be breaking."

He laughed.  Sat up alongside her and mussed her hair a little.  "Is it really that crazy, kiddo?"

 _Yes!_   Ellie figured Joel would have helped her, if she'd decided to keep the baby.  He could've limited his involvement, of course, but he'd be there with them day in and day out, regardless.  She hadn't even given that scenario much thought because she was so set on adoption as the most logical choice.  Joel's proposal was... not logical.

"Look," he said, "if you wanna keep it on your own an' have me be jus'... Uncle Joel, or whatever..."

"Wouldn't it be more like Grandpa Joel?" she said with a grin.

Joel groaned.  "I am _not_ old enough to be a grandpa."

"Um, hate to burst your bubble, but technically, you really are."  She ducked away from him in an attempt (a failed one, at that) to avoid getting her hair mussed again.

"I think Eddie would make a better grandpa," Joel deflected.  "He's got like fifteen years on me."

Ellie thought about that.  She wasn't sure what a grandpa was supposed to do, exactly, but she could imagine Ed playing with a baby.  Telling it stories.  Taking it fishing (maybe in a few years).  She shifted a little as the baby kept moving.  "Good idea.  A grandpa, a dad… and we'd have Uncle Tommy and Aunt Maria -- this kid would have a _huge_ family, if I kept it.  That's five relatives!  Six, if I ask Nana to be grandma."

"Sounds good.  Hey, if me bein' the father would weird you out too bad, it's all right.  I don’ mind bein’ Uncle Joel."

"It... _would_ be weird," Ellie agreed.  "If you're kinda like _my_ dad, and you're also this baby's dad, then it's like... I'm the baby's sister?"

Joel laughed.  "No, you'd be the mother, of course."

"But if you're, like... in charge of me?  Or whatever?  If you have two kids..."

"It'd be... unconventional," Joel conceded.  "But no, it wouldn' be like... like I'm the ultimate authority, or some shit.  It'd be like... co-parenting.  He or she would still be every bit _your_ child."

Ellie didn't see how he _wouldn't_ end up being the ultimate authority.  But that wasn't really an issue for her.  He was the only authority figure in her life who had ever cared more about her than about himself.  They didn't always agree on everything, but for the most part, she was happy to do what he told her because she trusted that he always had her best interests at heart (and she wasn't half bad at getting her way when they disagreed on stuff, either).  That trust had been shaken when he left, but... it wasn't irreparably broken.  Part of her would probably always fear him leaving her for one reason or another.  It didn't matter how many pretty words he tossed her way about never leaving her -- they wouldn't mean shit if things changed in some way.  Then those comforting words would morph into _"I'm so sorry, baby girl, but I have to do this..."_ And she couldn't predict what all the 'this's might be.  All the things that could possibly take him away from her.  But... if this baby was _his_ , he'd have all the more reason to never leave.  At least not while the child was small.  She would probably have at least a decade of reassurance in that regard, because he could tell himself that Ellie didn't need him, that she was strong and capable and just fine on her own, but a little kid -- especially a girl, who would of course have Daddy wrapped around her little finger in no time... provided that she was cute and sweet and innocent, and not a little monster...

He gave her shoulder a quick squeeze.  "Hey.  Whatcha thinkin'?"

"It's... a lot to think about."

"You still don' gotta decide right away.  Kid won' even be born for another four months."

That was true, but Ellie wanted to figure this out _now._   "How the hell would we explain that... Mommy and Daddy aren't like most mommies and daddies cuz Daddy is sort of like Mommy's daddy too..."

Joel chuckled.  "Ain't like there's a lot of nuclear families anymore.  Even here in Jackson.  There are worse things in this world to have to explain, though, yeah?  Like I said, it'd be unconventional.  Small town like this where everyone's got their nose in each other’s business... I reckon people will remember the kid ain't mine, biologically, so..."

"So they wouldn't think... the wrong thing.  Yeah.  Otherwise, that could get awkward."  Everyone knew what had happened that night.  Very few people knew she was pregnant at the moment, but that would change soon enough, and she wouldn't let anyone think Joel had had something to do with knocking her up (there was bound to be at least one troublemaker keen to start a nasty rumor).  The truth was embarrassing, but that would actually be even more so.

"Nowadays... family is what you make it," said Joel.  "However we wanna define it.  Like you did when you laid out all the relations, pickin' out grandparents."

"Okay, that sounds great and all, but... I think I might be too fucked up to be someone's mother," Ellie admitted.  The baby's origin wasn't the only issue here.

"You'd be a _great_ mother," Joel said without hesitation, and she wondered how he could be so sure of that.

"Pfffff."  The baby's movements calmed down some.  _You agree with me, huh?_ she thought, fancying that the stillness equated to loss of enthusiasm or something.

"It's true.  I've seen you with the town kids.  What about Kyle?"

Kyle... the mute four-year-old she'd seen at Nana's that one day.  They knew his name now because he'd finally started talking.  "What about him?"

"You're really good with him.  He trusts you."

"I don't do anything special for him.  I _talk_ to him.  That's hardly mothering."

"Sure it is.  An' you listen to him.  Bethany says he talks more to you than anyone else," Joel said (and Ellie thought he sounded proud). 

Bethany was one of the people Ellie might have considered to adopt the baby; it was no secret the woman wanted one.  She wasn't all that old, but her husband/boyfriend/ whatever-he-was had disappeared some months ago, presumed dead.  Maybe little Kyle would be enough for her.  The thought made her feel vaguely guilty.  _...what the fuck, Ellie?  You're not taking anything away from her -- she doesn't even know you're pregnant.  And it's YOUR baby._ But back to the matter at hand... "So what?  He likes me.  That doesn't mean anything.  I don't know how to... I can barely take care of myself these days, right?  How could I take care of another person?"  She glanced at him.

"You've been doin' a lot better lately."

She sighed.  "'Better' isn't good enough when it comes to something so important."

Joel looked pensive for a moment.  "I think havin' someone who needs you... I think that could actually help you be more... not fucked up.  Like a little bit ago, when you were all worried about me -- you kinda forgot to be freaked out yourself, didn'cha?"

"I... guess?  But I still, like... space out sometimes.  Or can't breathe."

"That don' mean you can't take care of a kid.  As for spacin’ out… baby starts screamin', it might snap you out of it."

Ellie was skeptical.  "Really?"

"I don' know for sure... I mean, I ain't a shrink or nothin', but you do come around when we call your name."

"Not always the first time, though, right?"

"...not always," he admitted. 

"What if the reason it's screaming is cuz it's hurt or something, cuz I wasn't paying attention before when I was spaced out?"

Infuriatingly, Joel smiled.  "You already sound like a mother, worryin' about shit like that."

"It could happen, though!"  She didn't see how Joel could find that amusing.

"Look.  If it'd make you feel better, maybe we jus' don' leave you alone with the baby for a while, see how it goes.  Maybe by then it won't be happenin' at all.  Who knows?  An' this place needs a lot of baby-proofin' anyhow; I can work on that.  You can't watch the kid every second."

"Would I sleep in the baby's room?  Or your room?"  Ellie imagined herself waking up in the middle of the night screaming, terrifying the poor child.  Usually her screams were rather quiet, if not completely silent, but not always...

He chuckled softly.  "Wouldn' be proper for you to be in my room."

"Whatever -- we slept near each other on the road all those months.  Even in houses with lots of rooms."  In the beginning, they'd slept in separate rooms when they could, but as time went by, they each felt more comfortable sleeping in closer proximity to the other.  It was hard to have someone's back out there when you weren't even in the same room.

"That was different.  My bed's too small.  Even if it wasn', that's jus'... wrong."

Ellie didn't see what the big deal was.  She'd slept in his bed quite a few times when they'd first arrived in Jackson, before she'd gotten used to not having him an arm's length away.  He was just _Joel_ , not some pervert.  "Okay, well, if we rearranged a little, my bed could fit in there, too."

"Hmm.  Maybe.  That's still not... I don' know, maybe we should jus' move to a bigger house."

Ellie bit her lip thoughtfully.  "So... it's not like we'd pretend to be married or something.  Like a normal family?"

"Uh, no."  Joel chuckled again.  "We'd be the same as we are now.  No need to pretend otherwise."

"What if you get a girlfriend?  And she doesn't want you to be a father to some kid that's not even yours?"

"Well, I imagine she wouldn' be my girlfriend very long, then," he answered mildly.

Ellie just couldn't resist playing devil's advocate.  "What if you're really _really_ in love with her?"

"That ain't gonna happen.  Kids always come first.  Besides, I don' even _want_ a girlfriend.  Now, if _you_ have a boyfriend, or girlfriend--"

"No way -- _that_ ain't gonna happen," Ellie interrupted, scoffing.

He smiled knowingly.  As if this was something he could even _know_.  "Maybe not for a while, but it will, someday.  You're so young."

"No.  I can't."  She wasn't trying to be stubborn -- it was just fucking true!

"Then there's gonna be a lotta broken hearts in this town," Joel said in an infuriating teasing-but-not-really tone.

"Shut up," Ellie muttered.  "Who would even want me, after..."

"Lots of people," he replied quickly, without a hint of teasing now.  "Ain't nothin' wrong with you.  If you--"

"I don't wanna talk about this!" Ellie cut him off, cursing herself for letting that particular skeleton out of the closet.  She'd have to shove it back in there and lock the door before Joel got too close a look at it.  "It doesn't matter anyway, cuz I'm never going to want that.  Never."  She couldn't imagine loving anyone like that after Bailey... although she'd felt like that after Riley died, too, and she'd been wrong.  In time, as her memories kept getting older and dustier, there might have been room for someone new to creep in... if she was ever interested in having sex again, which she most certainly would not be.

At least Joel didn't poke at the skeleton.  "That's fine.  You don' have to.  If it happens, it happens."

"Ugh, it won't!  You should be thrilled -- you didn't want me having a boyfriend in the first place," she reminded him.

"I was... apprehensive.  Yeah.  But you were so happy... it was nice.  An' you still made time for me."

"Of course!  You're like... my _dad_."

Joel smiled a little.  "Don' matter.  In the olden days, kids would grow up an' grow away from their parents.  It was natural.  Not that they stopped carin', they jus' get involved in lives of their own, they move away... an' people took each other for granted a lot more back then.  They don' do that so much now.  If they're lucky enough to have any livin' family, they stick together."

Ellie couldn't imagine living in some house of her own, one that she didn't share with Joel.  For them to live in the same town, but separately?  She shuddered to think of it.  "I don't want to move away," she declared.  "Ever."

That elicited an even bigger smile.  "Good.  I like havin' you around."

It felt like they were straying a bit off the topic.  Normally Ellie wouldn't mind, but now she really wanted to dissect his offer... to find the one flaw in his idea that he couldn't refute.  She thought she might have one.  "Joel, this all... _sounds_ good and everything," she began again, "but... how do you know that..." For some reason, she was feeling hyper-emotional about this question.  _I'm actually scared to ask him this.  But why?  Surely he's thought about it..._

"That what, baby girl?" he prompted gently after a moment, giving her shoulder a squeeze.  "Tell me."

"Well... helping me out is one thing, but to like... raise it as your own... this kid you have no connection to... it’s noble and all, but… how do you know that..."  Would it be fair to subject the baby to his anger?  Not that he would ever hurt the child; she knew better than that.  But he could inflict pain unintentionally -- of the non-physical variety, of course -- and it could fucking _hurt_.  She had to take that into consideration.  She took a deep breath.  "How do you know you could love some other guy's baby like that?  Like a father's supposed to."  It was hard, because she wanted to look away, but she forced herself to watch his face for signs of disgust that her reference to 'some other guy' would likely generate.  To see if his mouth would say one thing while his eyes said another.

"How do I know?  Easy," he replied immediately.  "Because I love _you_ like that."

 _...what?  Did he just say... Holy shit!_ Nothing in his expression contradicted the words.  She sure as hell hadn't been expecting that.  She hadn't even equated his ability to love her with his ability to love the child.  And she was stupidly affected by hearing the words.  Of course she'd already known that he loved her; he'd shown it in plenty of ways.  She felt tears prick her eyes yet again, and her face flushed.  "You do?" was all she could say.

"Couldn' love you any more if you were my own flesh'n'blood."  He looked and sounded sincere.  Happy.  Not even a little bit awkward, amazingly.

Yet she couldn't leave it at that.  "Even... even after what I did?" she dared to ask, averting her gaze.  _Am I just determined to ruin this, or what?_

He seemed a little surprised.  "What you did?"

She stared at a stain on the floor, unable to look at him now.  "Yeah.  You know."  _Don't make me say it!_

He sounded genuinely confused as to why she would think that.  "It don' matter what you do.  That's not how it works, kiddo.  An' even if it was, what happened... it didn' make you unlovable or bad or... whatever you're thinkin'.  Not at all.  You an' me, we're still the same."

"...Oh."  He'd said that before he left, and she hadn't believed him.  _He's right_ , she realized.  It went both ways.  Even when she was super-angry with him, she still loved him.  It didn't just fade away because he did something she didn't like.  Even when she'd wanted it to.  Suddenly overcome, she threw her arms around his neck.

He hugged her tight, chuckling.  "You already knew how I felt about you, didn'cha?"

"Yeah, but you never said... you never used those actual words."  _Can I not even say the word 'love' now?_   She'd said it just moments before... "Fuck, you made me cry _again_."

"You're s'posed to cry when you're pregnant.  Hormones outta whack an' shit."

 _Say it back to him, Ellie_ , she ordered herself.  He wasn't going to ridicule her for it; there was nothing to fear.  Should she just blurt it out?  They were sort of off the subject already if he was talking about hormones... although she hadn't responded to his remark.  _Would it be weird to say it now? ...Why am I even thinking about if it would be weird or not?  He said it first!_   She kept hugging him so she could bury her face in his neck and not look at him, because for some stupid reason it was extremely difficult to say the fucking words.  _It's probably weirder that I'm making this a really long hug, though._   "Joel..."

"Hmm?"

 _Say it!_  She took a shaky breath.  "I love you like that, too," she murmured to his neck.

"Awww."  He squeezed her, and she exhaled the breath she hadn't even realized she was holding.  "Thank you for tellin' me.  It _is_ nice to hear it out loud, yeah?"

"We should totally say it more often," Ellie affirmed, relaxing even more.  "And I'm gonna say it to the baby every single day."

"You are?  Does that mean..."

She hadn't even thought about what she was saying; it just sort of tumbled out.  What did it mean?  _It means I want this_ , she decided _.  I want to keep the baby... MY baby._   She pulled back then to look at him excitedly.  "Let's do it."

Now he looked wary.  "You can think about it for a while, you know... make sure it's what you want.  I wasn' tryin' to pressure you--"

"I knoooow!  You didn't!  I really want to.  With you.  We can do it together.  From now on, this baby's as much yours as it is mine.  I'd even let you give birth to it if I could."

Joel laughed and grimaced at the same time.  "Ugh!  Uh... I mean, it's a damn shame that I can't do that part.  Sorry.  I would if I could," he teased.

"Uh-huh, riiiight."  They could joke about it, but Ellie believed Joel actually _would_ do that for her if he could, that he'd do anything within his power to spare her pain.  "You're not gonna be able to stand watching me, either.  You're _so_ gonna pass out."

"I might.  I... don' really like to think about that part, truth be told.  I'll skip right to 'it's a girl' or 'it's a boy.'"

"Wuss." Ellie laughed.  Life was just too fucking bizarre; an hour or so ago, she was a mess, and now... she felt happy.  Happy!  She who was never going to feel happy about anything ever again.  Her life had been over, and now all of a sudden she had a future.  A purpose.  Good things to look forward to... good things happening right now.  She couldn't stop smiling.  "Thank you, Joel.  I can't even..."

He was smiling, too.  "Thank _you_ \-- shit, you're the one givin' me a kid."

She giggled.  "You better enjoy it cuz this is a one-time offer."  _I'm going to be a mother.  Holy shit, I'M GOING TO BE A MOTHER._ And Joel would get to be a father the right way this time -- starting from birth.  Like with Sarah.  Except this kid would make it to adulthood.  It _had_ to, with both her and Joel protecting it.  And to think she'd wanted to kill it herself... _I'll make it up to you, little one!  I'm going to make sure you're happy and loved and that nothing bad ever happens to you... oh God, isn't that what ALL parents say?  The world is a shithole.  But -- Joel will help me.  He always knows what to do... but what if we do everything right and she just has some freak accident like Mandy?  Or turns out to be a horrible, unlovable kid, like Charlie?  What if he's a good boy but meets a bad girl who gets him to do stupid things..._

"...you want," Joel was saying.

"Huh?  Sorry..."

"Names?  I'll help you pick one out if you want but... I think ultimately, that one's your call."

"Oh man."  Ellie knew she should talk to Joel about her what-ifs, but that could wait.  She was grateful to think about a happier topic.  "How am I ever gonna decide?  You totally need to help me."

"All right.  You know, I was thinkin'..."

"You got some picked out already?"  He was just full of surprises.  "Fuck, you really _have_ thought this all through!"

"Well, no... the last name.  I know we don' use 'em much around here -- I'm sure I don' even know half the town's surnames -- but... I reckon it would be nice if, since we're a family... if we all had the same one.  What do you think?"

Ellie considered that.  "All of us?  How can we?"

"We could if you... if you would take mine..." He said it with an uncertainty that touched her -- just like pretty much everything he ever said that betrayed a vulnerability no one else ever got to see.

"Oh."  It had never once even occurred to Ellie that if she were Joel's daughter, it would make sense to become Ellie Miller.  It did have a nice ring to it... _and it would bind Joel to me even more..._ He could _say_ he thought of her as a daughter all day long, but how much more real would it be if there was something more official to it?  Something more permanent than a thought.  Thoughts could wither... change... _die_.

"But, forget it, it don' matter.  You have your mother's name, you prob'ly want your child to have--"

"No, Joel, stop -- I like the idea.  I'll think about it?"

"All right then."

"Except... would I have to call you Dad?" She scrunched up her face in distaste.  "That didn't really work so well last time."  Mainly because she had laughed every time she said it -- when she even remembered to say it.

And Joel laughed at it now.  "That's still up to you.  I don' care what you call me."

"Okay.  Any other bombs you wanna drop on me, or did you finally run out?" she teased.

"I think that's it.  I'll try to whip up some new ones..."

"Ha!"  She slugged him playfully.  "Hey, let's go tell Tommy and everyone!"

"He prob'ly ain't home yet..."

"Oh.  Right.  Is he coming back here?  Won't he be surprised to see us all happy now!"  They'd been a sight gloomier when he'd left them.  "Just imagine the look on his face.  Do you think he'll be excited about being an uncle?"

"I think he'll be excited to hear you laugh again."

"Okay, but after that?!"

"I _know_ he will."

Ellie gasped as a really awesome idea struck her.  "We should _all_ move to a bigger house!"

"What, you'n'me an'..."

"Yeah, all of them.  Like you said, families stick together, right?"

Joel winced.  "Maybe not _that_ together..."

"Aww, why not?" she pouted.

"Me an' Tommy might kill each other, for one thing?"

She giggled.  "Well, you'd have to just _not_."

"That's a lotta people to live under the same roof."

"Six?  Not really.  There was way more than that at school.  I know you like your space and all, but... maybe this would help with that, in a way.  Like, you could go be by yourself sometimes and not feel like you're leaving me and the baby alone when you do.  We don't have to decide right away or anything, and like... we prob'ly wouldn't even be able to do it 'til spring cuz of all the storms and snow on the ground?  But we should invite ourselves over for dinner and talk to them about it, at least!"  She remembered that Maria, for one, had seemed to like the idea right before Ellie moved back home.  And Ed was the one who suggested it -- even if it was half-jokingly.  Joking because of Tommy and Joel's turbulent relationship... but she knew that under that, the brothers really did love each other.  And surely Tommy loved _her_ enough that if she spun it the right way, saying she needed his help... 

First, she had to convince Joel.  He was frowning.  "I don' know, Ellie..."

"Please, Joel?  Just to discuss the possibility.  No commitments.  Pleeeease?"

Joel sighed.  "You know I can't say no when you look at me like that."

"Yay!" _I'm counting on that!_   Getting him to agree to dinner was only the first step, after all.  "Maybe we could even build a whole new house -- you'd like that, right?  We could make it however we want!"

He laughed.  "You think it's that easy?"

"You know how to do it, don't you?"

"Now you're dreamin' _real_ big, kiddo."

"Don't you?"

"Completely from scratch with shitty materials -- or at least unrefined materials -- crap for tools, no crew... or an unskilled crew -- an' no technology?"

"Yeah!  You can do it," Ellie insisted.  In her eyes, Joel could do anything he put his mind to.  "Didn't people do it that way like two hundred years ago?  I’ll help you!"

Joel quirked an eyebrow.  "You an' your... eight- or nine-months-pregnant belly?"

"Sure -- why not?"

He chuckled and shook his head.  "It's too impractical anyhow.  There's plenty of houses in town not bein' used; I'm sure we can find one suitable."

"For all six of us?"

"We haven' even discussed it with them yet, Ellie, jus'... hold your horses."

She loved this little house she shared with Joel, but would there ever be a better time to make a fresh start?  She did have some good memories here.  She also had painful ones, like finding out Joel had left... Bailey coming over to get her on the last night of his life, sneaking out that fucking window -- the worst mistake ever. 

Maybe it was time she let Joel take the boards off the window, though.  Let a little light back in.

"Okay," she said.  "Wherever we move to, I have one condition -- it's non-negotiable."

"What's that?" he asked, and she almost laughed at the way he seemed to be bracing himself to hear something awful.

"There has to be a place where we can hang the hammock," she proclaimed.  "We missed out on half the summer -- gotta make up for lost time next year."

Joel smiled, visibly relieved.  "You got it, kiddo.  That one, I can handle."

 

* * *

 

Life had changed so dramatically in such a short span of time that Ellie couldn't process everything right away.  After flying high on the excitement for a whole day, she began to come back down to Earth -- or, rather, back to the voice in her head that reminded her she had no right to feel happy.  Not after what she'd done.  That it wasn't fair.

But suicide was unfathomable now.  She was alive, she was going to _stay_ alive, and it didn't make sense for her to squander that gift from the gods or the universe or whatever by deliberately trying to be unhappy as penance, especially when unhappiness occurred on its own often enough.  Maybe she didn't deserve to live, but Bailey hadn't deserved to die, either.  Other kids who made the choice to sneak out didn't die.  It wasn't purely cause and effect.  There was a certain randomness about it all.  Or maybe it was fate, destiny, some force she didn't understand... it was beyond her control.  She had to let go of the self-loathing her mistake had spawned, and find a way to move forward.

It was easier said than done, of course.  Pretty much everything was.

Ellie was at the graveyard, kneeling in front of Bailey's grave.  Rachel's was right beside his, as it should be.  They were marked with large stones that some kind townsperson had painstakingly etched their names on, along with the dates their lives had spanned.  She'd visited only once before, with Joel.  This time, she had opted to come alone.

It was unreal, knowing that the warm, happy, funny boy she'd known was now a cold, lifeless, soulless piece of matter, not so different from the stone itself.  Would she ever be able to accept that?  She sighed.  _I have to picture him the way he was.  He's sitting here in front of me, only he's invisible.  Sure..._ "I miss you, Bay.  I miss talking to you.  This isn't the same."  She snickered a little to herself.  "Except I can hear you teasing me: 'what's not the same about it?  You're doing all the talking and I'm all quiet.'  Okay, well... fine.  I can talk a lot when I want to, you're right.  I don't know exactly what I want to say, so... maybe there'll be extra words.  I just wish you could hear me... sometimes it feels like you can.  Can you?"  Ellie looked up at the sky, which was full of what Joel called 'snow clouds.'  It seemed silly to imagine Bailey up there sitting on one of them, literally watching over her, but it was a nice thought all the same.

It made more sense than him being invisible, didn't it?

She continued gazing up at the vast gray expanse of sky.  "You won't believe what Joel did yesterday.  He offered to be the father of this baby.  Not just a grandfather -- or uncle, since he's a little delusional and thinks that he's not old enough to be a grandpa -- but nope, he wants to be the dad.  I thought it was crazy at first, but really, no matter what title he had, he would end up in that role, like by default.  Since I live with him, and I want to keep it now.  I'm going to be a fucking _mom_.  Is that weird or what?  I never even had a mom so I have no clue how to _be_ one.  Anyway, if this kid is yours, you couldn't ask for a better dad than Joel, so I think... I like to think you'd be happy about it.  To be honest, I haven't really given it a lot of thought, that it might be your baby... when I was giving it away, it was easier to think of it as a… a rape baby, y'know?  But it could be yours.  From that one time.  Maybe even that other time.  I don't know if I'll ever know the truth... maybe when it grows up enough that it starts looking more like... I dunno.  I could drive myself crazy thinking about it.  I'm gonna try not to.  It's Joel's baby now.  I hope that's cool with you, cuz I can't, like... look at the kid and keep wondering if I'm supposed to be happy or supposed to be sad that bio dad is dead, or wonder what if this, what if that... am I imagining that this or that means it must be yours, or Tony's, or Pete's... plus, if it's Joel's, I don't have to feel guilty that I..."  She let that thought trail off.  Her eyes filled with tears anyway.

"Marcus says you really wanted to come with me that night.  Even if you did, I'm always gonna feel like it's my fault, cuz it was my idea.  I don't know how to forgive myself for that, you know?"  She shifted her gaze to Rachel's headstone -- if Rachel was up above, she was probably preparing lightning bolts to rain down on Ellie like spears; it was safer to talk to the rock.  "You couldn't forgive me, I know.  I get it.  I... I think I'm about to get it even more, now that I'm gonna be a mom.  It's a little scary.  Not gonna lie.  Okay, a _lot_ scary.  But I'll have a lot of people to help me, and... maybe if I'm a really good mom to your-- what _could_ be your grandchild, that would count for something?  I'm gonna do my best.  I can't do any more than that.  I'm so... You'll never know how sorry I am."

And now she was crying.  She pawed at the tears with her fuzzy gloves, fearing they would freeze to her face if she didn't.  It was really cold out.  She looked at Bailey's headstone again.  At his name.  "I'm always gonna miss you.  I'm not trying to forget you or anything like that.  I'm just trying to... be okay with things the way they are.  Because I have to be.  For the baby, for Joel... even for just myself..."  The voice in her head wanted to protest that last one.  It was hard to ignore.  Maybe she couldn't talk back to it herself, but she could hear Joel doing it for her... and Joel's family.  _MY family,_ she reminded herself.  She had so many people in her life who loved her.  Listening to them didn't make her stupid or weak, or even self-indulgent.  _If they can fight my demons better than I can, maybe it's okay to let them._

She knelt there quietly for a little while, until the tears subsided and the noise in her brain faded away.  Snowflakes had begun drifting lazily down to the ground.  Ellie rose to her feet and looked at the grave one last time before turning to leave.  "Love you.  I'll come back soon.  Goodbye."

Joel had promised her some hot apple cider when she returned.  Lunch couldn't have been more than a couple hours ago, but Ellie was hungry again, so she planned to snack on something as well... maybe some honeyed toast.  That sounded good.  She picked up the pace a little, eager to reach the warmth of home.


	17. Epilogue:  "The Rose"

_When the night has been too lonely_  
_And the road has been too long,_  
 _And you think that love is only_  
 _For the lucky and the strong,_  
 _Just remember in the winter_  
 _Far beneath the bitter snows_  
 _Lies the seed that with the sun's love_  
 _In the spring becomes the rose._

~Bette Midler "The Rose"

 

**July 20 th, 2036**

The hammock was getting plenty of use that summer -- as the baby's favorite spot to nap.  Joel thought that had more to do with the coziness of sleeping on top of Ellie and/or himself than the actual hammock, but neither of them minded catering to that preference -- at least in the afternoon, when they enjoyed full shade there.

Presently, the three of them were doing just that.  The little guy was sleeping on his stomach on Ellie's chest, his cherubic face turned towards Joel.  Ellie fussed with the blanket -- a gift from Marcus's aunt, who had crocheted it herself.  Joel had always thought of crochet and needlework and such to be old lady hobbies, but that wasn't so these days.  They'd received a surprising amount of hand-crafted gifts from various townspeople.  Many from people they barely even knew.

"Do you think he's gonna get cold?" Ellie fretted.  "It's kinda breezy out here today..."

"It's a _warm_ breeze, though, an' he's all covered up," Joel pointed out.  "If he gets cold, I'm suuuure he'll let us know."  The kid had a fine set of lungs, that was for sure.

"Wonder if I'll ever get used to Jackson summers and actually think this is hot," Ellie chuckled and let out a huge yawn.  "I think it's naptime for Ellie too."

"Looks like.  You _were_ up half the night."  Joel hoped the boy would start sleeping through the night soon.  Ellie liked to say that it was her fault that he didn't yet -- because he'd learned his funky sleep habits from her in utero.  Sometimes the only way to make him stop crying was to walk him around a while until he fell back asleep (laying him down before he was fully asleep tended to result in starting the cycle anew with more crying), and that could take an hour or more. 

They had a baby monitor, and the original idea was for the two of them to alternate nights with it, but even when it was Joel's turn to get up in the middle of the night, Ellie would already be there by the time he dragged his ass down the hall to the baby's room.  Her room was right next to the baby's, and she always heard him, even without the monitor.  She said that sometimes she went in there before he even cried... that she just knew he was awake.  So now the baby monitor remained on Ellie's night stand (and even though she really didn't need to use it, she still turned it on, 'just in case').  "Go on, take a 'lil snooze then.  We got prob'ly close to an hour 'til dinner."

"I should probably go help Eddie with that, though... I'm being lazy..."

"Nah, he can manage.  You could use some sleep."

Joel probably could have nodded off himself if he'd given it half a shot, but he wouldn't, not if Ellie would be napping.  He was content to enjoy the companionable silence.  Nothing else gave him quite as peaceful a feeling as snuggling with his two kids, the three of them together comprising as real a family as Joel had ever had.

The baby's name was Samuel Bailey Miller.  Reserving the 'kiddo' nickname for Ellie, Joel had taken to calling him Sambo, which irked Ellie; she preferred Sam or Sammy.  She had read a baby names book cover to cover, lamenting that not knowing the sex meant having to pick out _two_ names.  She got rather obsessive over it.  She'd wanted Bailey to be the middle name fairly early on, and Joel was fine with that.  It worked for a girl or a boy.  Using it as a first name hadn’t felt right to her.  They ended up with Samuel for a boy because it was a good Irish name that Ellie thought Bailey and Rachel would have liked, and also because Ellie figured that the world was missing a Sam, one who died far too young, so it would be nice if she could contribute a new Sam to it.  That last was a little hokey for Joel's taste, but also incredibly sweet, and he liked the name well enough.

The universe did have a funny way of working things out.  He'd never viewed Ellie as a replacement for Sarah; no one could replace her, and his heart still ached for his first daughter every day.  Every single day without fail.  But it wasn't lost on him that he'd been given a chance to sort of pick up where he'd left off with Sarah... to see _this_ daughter through to adulthood.  And now, with Sam, he'd been given a chance to do the early stuff right -- the shit he'd fucked up on with Sarah.  With Sarah's mother and Joel both being so young, and also having to work their asses off to make ends meet, it had been extremely difficult.  He'd righted some of the wrongs later on, but he'd always had to work too hard to spend as much time with her as he should have... and when they did have time together, he was often exhausted.  Not as attentive, not as... _there_ , with her.

That wasn't the case at all this time around.  The world had gone to hell, sure, but at least there were no 'ends' to make meet.  No money issues, work days were much shorter (and less frequent, at least for the time being), no endless fighting with the baby's mother about everything under the sun.  Ellie was far more mature and responsible than Katie had been.  Not that they always agreed on everything... for one thing, Joel wanted to try letting Sam cry himself out sometimes, especially in the middle of the night.  He couldn't get Ellie to understand that it wasn't cruel to leave him be. 

No, things certainly weren’t perfect; Ellie still suffered from mental health issues, too.  The panic attacks, feelings of despair, spacing out and not even realizing any time had passed... and he suspected she still had nightmares, too, although she wouldn't admit it. 

Ellie had never been completely innocent in the time he'd known her, and he'd seen the wretched world sap more innocence with each passing month when they were on the road.  By the time they'd reached Jackson that spring, she was hardened, bitter, fearful... it had taken a while (for both of them) to adjust to living in civilization again, among strangers who had to be blindly trusted to a certain extent.  To walk down the street and not feel the need to hide at the sight of other people, to assess their numbers, their intentions... to approximate the level of danger, and respond appropriately.  Truth be told, Joel still couldn't _not_ do that, in his head if not in his actions.  Not after some of the shit he'd seen in the past couple decades.  But over time, Ellie had unlearned some of those ways, and she seemed to believe that no harm would come to her as long as the two of them were together.  It was like some of her lost innocence had been restored -- only to be brutally and irrevocably obliterated, because he hadn't protected her.  He had failed her, whether she saw it that way or not.

She knew that he would give his own life for hers, but it wasn't enough to make her feel safe.  There was nothing he could do that would allow her to believe that the world was a good place -- which would be a lie, but oh if she could just _believe_ it again, at least to the extent she once had... she was like a kid who finds out that Santa Claus isn't real:  no going back.  Only pretending, perhaps.  She admitted that she liked to pretend sometimes.  That because of him, at least _that_ much was possible.  And for little Sam... well, all Sam knew was that when he cried, someone would fix what ailed him. 

It killed Joel that he couldn't do that for Ellie. 

He still hadn't forgiven himself for what happened to her last summer.  Maybe he never would.  And it was hard to let go of the anger; it flared up from time to time, usually in conjunction with one of Ellie's panic attacks.  That motherfucker he'd killed had deserved a hundred times worse, and it was unnerving that they'd never know if the second dickhead was alive or not.

He had to keep reminding himself that it didn't matter.  That there was nothing he could do about it.  It was out of his control, and trying to fight that fact would be like trying to stop a storm from coming.  It wouldn't do Ellie or Sam any good for him to take off to parts unknown on an impossible quest for justice.  They needed him _here_.

No, it definitely wasn't all smooth sailing, but overall, the waters weren't all that choppy.  There was love and laughter and happiness, and it was just as real as the pain and sadness. 

While the universe was doing its thing, Joel figured it would have found a way to make Tommy a father, too.  Time hadn't yet run out, but with Maria pushing forty, it possibly just wasn't meant to be, at least not biologically.  Tommy got marriage, Joel got fatherhood -- he'd take that deal any day.  And with all of them living together (albeit _not_ in some newly-built dream house that Ellie's hyperactive imagination had conjured up), at least his brother would get to see little Sambo grow up, and be an important part of his life.  Tommy and Ellie had also grown closer while Joel was out hunting assholes.  If there was one good thing to come from that, it was Ellie finally accepting Tommy, Maria, and Eddie as her family -- recognizing that she had a place in the family by her own right, not just by extension through Joel.  Hell -- Joel was pretty sure they all preferred her company to his any day, and he couldn't blame them.  He wouldn't have blamed _her_ if she'd felt the same, but Joel was still clearly her favorite person.

At least, he _had_ been -- until Sam was born. 

Ellie had seemed to have her heart set on having a girl.  She'd tried to downplay it as no big deal, said that even though she'd mentioned wanting a girl before, she truly didn't care which sex it was... but Joel could hear it in her voice.  When the doc announced it was a boy, Joel had held his breath waiting for Ellie's reaction.  After firing every obscenity in her arsenal during labor, she'd grown eerily silent at the end, not saying a word while the doctor's assistant cleaned the baby up a little.  Joel had smoothed her hair back off her sweaty forehead, squeezed her hand, and told her she did real good, that the baby's crying sounded healthy.  She said nothing, and her eyes were all glazed, unseeing... Joel had started to worry that something was seriously wrong, but when they placed the squalling baby in her arms, she came around.  She had looked down into his scrunched-up little red face and started crying.  Joel hadn't known what to say.  It felt a little ridiculous to apologize for this beautiful, healthy baby being the wrong gender, but it was all he could think to say at the time.

Then she'd told him to shut up -- she wasn't crying because she was sad.  _"He's perfect,"_ she'd said.  And Joel had sighed in relief.

She was right, of course.  It took no effort whatsoever to love the kid.  He had a head full of jet-black hair that Ellie liked to sculpt in such a way that the little tufts stuck out all funky-like.  The color could have come from any of the possible fathers (if the two assholes truly were brothers, at least), or even somewhere on Ellie's side for all they knew... but Ellie liked to say he had Joel's hair, only without all the gray ( _ha, ha_ ).  Joel could see Ellie in his facial features, especially his little nose.  Ellie wasn't too keen on trying to figure out who he most resembled.  If anyone else started speculating, she would cut them off with a 'he looks like himself' type remark -- or a joke about Joel's hair -- and abruptly change the subject. 

Just as he'd predicted she would, Ellie had bonded easily with the baby, and that boy sure loved his mama.  Most of the time, when Joel went in to Sammy's room first thing in the morning, the little guy wasn't there -- he was in Ellie's bed.  Between her and the wall, usually with her arm draped over him, looking happy as a pig in shit.  At times like that, Joel _really_ missed having a working camera.  The baby seemed to have taken the place of that ratty old stuffed dog that used to be Bailey's (which Ellie had now bequeathed to little Sam) as her sleeping partner of choice.  At first, she said she was taking him into her room to feed him and then oops, she would just fall asleep; later, she admitted that usually she brought him to bed when it wasn't even time to feed him and he wasn't even fussing, because she missed him too much, and it made _her_ sleep better.  That might need to get addressed at some point, but when the kid was so young, Joel didn't see the harm in the two of them deriving such comfort from each other.

Plus, it was just so damn cute.

The baby was a tonic for all that ailed both of them, particularly when he was happy.  Ellie was never away from him for long.  She'd tried to go on patrol with Joel once, leaving Sam with Nana so their three housemates wouldn't have to rearrange their schedules, and she'd just about driven Joel crazy with her fretting.  Reminding her that Nana had raised a son herself and had been looking after many of the Jackson kids for ages only placated her momentarily.  After that day, he'd convinced her that being a stay-at-home mom was best right now -- for Joel's sanity as well as hers. 

Ellie claimed she honestly wasn't disappointed that Sam wasn't a girl, and that it was actually a good thing he was a boy because Joel had never had a son before.  Joel would have loved to have another girl, but there was indeed a certain novelty about having a son.  And, though he wouldn't say so to Ellie, he was glad in a way, because at some point, hopefully not for many years yet, Joel would be gone... and he would feel better about 'leaving' Ellie under the protection of a son, ideally fully grown by that time.  He figured Ellie would either say that was sexist and a daughter could do it just the same, or that she wouldn't need any extra protection (and Joel would disagree on both counts -- if it made him sexist, so be it).  But mostly, he kept such thoughts to himself, because he didn't want to upset her with the idea of his death.  In the few times it had come up over the past couple of years, she'd refused to talk about it and said that Joel was going to live forever, end of story.  Having someone to grieve with would help her deal with it when the time came.  And having someone else she loved even more than him had to help, too.

It was hard to imagine now, while Joel's hand spanned Sam's entire back, that someday this child would be the 'man of the family.'  Joel felt just as protective of the boy as he did of Ellie.  They both wanted the kid to have a real childhood, and that seemed possible in a place like Jackson.  Kids here still knew fear; the alarm still sounded from time to time, after all, and sometimes it left dead bodies in its wake.  But the rest of the time, they could run around their yards or through the town hollering and laughing, not giving any thought to the dangers of the world.  They would grow up soon enough... and the thought was more hopeful than mournful.  The more Jackson flourished, and the more the surrounding settlements flourished (Tommy, Maria, and Eddie had made that their crusade, helping towns in Fremont and Sweetwater counties grow to nearly the size of Jackson over the past couple of years), the brighter the future looked.  Maybe Ellie and Sam would even live to see a bonafide resurgence of commerce and industry... technology... transit systems... government beyond just martial law type military control.  A justice system and regulations and politics and all the accompanying bullshit.  Hell -- maybe the Fireflies, or some such regime, would even discover the goddamn cure for the Cordyceps.

Without Ellie's help, naturally.  Joel didn't plan on ever laying that burden on her, but even if she somehow found out the truth about Salt Lake now, he could use Sam as leverage if needed.  A child needing his mother was far more compelling an argument than a weak man being selfish.

Joel was also glad Sam was a boy because he knew he'd have less qualms about teaching him how to shoot a gun at a very young age than if he were a girl.  That skill couldn't wait for adulthood in this day and age.  Joel would teach him how to shoot and fight and hunt (the fishing, he would leave to Eddie, who could out-fish any man in town).  And he would teach him about things like chivalry, honor, and respect.  To be tough without being a dick.  To take pride in his work -- in all of his actions.  How to be a stand-up guy.

How to look out for Ellie without letting her know.

But all of that was years away.  Joel had learned to savor the moment, and this one was one of the sweetest there could be:  his boy and his girl, snug and cozy... the deep, even sounds of their sleep-breathing a proof of sorts that they trusted him to keep them safe and secure at their most vulnerable.  The baby, of course, knew nothing of the horrors of the world, but Ellie... _maybe she ain't the only one who likes to pretend.  Right here, right now, she's innocent again.  She's not afraid.  She feels safe.  She has absolute faith that nothing in the world will harm her._

Even if she didn't know it, due to being unconscious and all.

Sometimes, when Joel woke from a nightmare (yes, he still had them too) or just plain couldn't sleep, and the house was completely quiet in slumber, he would go to Ellie's room and pry the door open ever so slowly, careful not to make a sound and risk disturbing her.  Just to make sure she was there, that she was safe, sleeping peacefully, her Cinderella night light bathing the room in a soft, warm glow.  Then he'd check on Sammy (without exercising quite so much caution, as he 'slept like a baby').  That was usually all the reassurance Joel needed to sleep decently the rest of the night.

And now, he reckoned he might just ignore the call to dinner and let them sleep, prolonging the peace... imprinting the perfect sweetness in his memory.  He adjusted the baby's blanket, smoothed a stray lock of Ellie's hair out of her face.  For as long as they let him, Joel would hold them both in his keep, come what may.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who read this fic and left kudos, especially to those who took the time to leave kind words of encouragement. I knew going in that this wasn’t the sort of thing most people like to read, and that I’d lose people along the way, but I was pleasantly surprised by the (mostly) positive response it received. And if you’re reading this a while after I’ve completed it, don’t be shy if you liked it, I’d still love to hear from you :D 
> 
> Thank you all! ENDURE AND SURVIVE <3


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